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September 13, 2008, 11:53 am CDT

losing my daughter

My daughter was born with a half of a heart and they did not expect her to live past 2 years old.  She lived until she was 13 in February of 1996.  I was so blessed to have her that long and I still miss her everyday.  When she started going through puberty her body just could not handle it and she went into congestive heart failure in Sept. 1995 one month after her 13th birthday.  She suffered terribly for the next several months and then January 28, 1996 she had a massive seizure and was rushed by ambulance to the childrens hospital. Because of the fluid build up in her body, her stomach was full and she had not eaten for 2 weeks except for tiny bites.  She was malnourished and very weak but the doctor's had said there was nothing we could do for her.  I knew that she would never leave that hospital again. She passed away a week and one day later.  Her organs were shutting down and she was so swollen and malnourished that it hurt for me to even touch her.  It was so sad because her mind was still healthy and she was saying she was happy to be at the hosptial because she always gets better at the hospital............she had no idea that she was dying.  I cannot explain the pain in my heart.  She was so very sick but she still was thinking of others, drawing pictures for the girl that was in the room with her because she felt sorry for her (awww) and worried because I wasn't sleeping or eating, that is just who she was.  Monday, February 5th changed my life forever.  They came in to take her blood pressure so they could put a Pic line in to get her some nutrients and they did not find a pressure so they thought it was the machine so they went to get another machine and tried again, this time again no pressure, all this time my daughter had her eyes shut.  She would always shut her eyes when they did something that was hurting I guess she would go to her happy place, that is what I taught her to do.  Anyway, after trying to take her blood pressure again she started retching and since she could not sit up because of the pain I ran over with my hands cupped to try to keep it from getting all over was pure blood.  I remember looking at her and saying "Oh my God, baby you are going to be ok, sweetie just go back to your happy place, everything will be ok.  She passed out after the second time of throwing up and stopped breathing then at 2:10 her heart stopped.  There was so much blood and the nurses said that she probably threw up all the blood in her body.  The doctor came in and said that when they took her blood pressure it was just too much and it burst the main artery in her lung and she bled to death.  This was my real life, heart shattering event that is forever burned into my mind.  I remember standing there after she had passed and looking at the body that had carried and tortured my daughters spirit and saying I hate that body so much for taking her beautiful soul away from me.  She would have turned 26 this year and has been gone for 12 years...........It seems like yesterday that I witnessed her death but seems like forever since I have seen, hugged, kissed or spoke to her.....................Please love every moment good and bad you have with your children because you never know when they will be called home.  God bless

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