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August 7, 2005, 9:10 pm CDT

partner's female friends

I have been dating my partner since the beginning of June.  We both agree that things went very fast.  He is 2 years younger (30).  He has a LOT of friends. His social life is exhausting for me.  I had made it clear that I felt very uncomfortable with guys' night out and that I would prefer not to be excluded.  As far as I am concerned, my partner is welcome anywhere I go with whomever.  He recently made plans to visit a female friend at her place.  I was VERY upset when she called him to confirm the plan I did not know about. I have never met her.  I did not know they had made plans to meet up at her place just the 2 of them.  They have known each other for many years I believe. 

I still feel very strongly about this although I know that there is nothing between them (I cannot talk for her).  He is only trying to be a supportive friend as she is anorexic. 

Despite all explanations, I feel very upset and strongly about it. 


I do not know how to find a solution and I feel guilty to deprive him from his previous lifestyle of bachelor. 

Has anyone been in a similar situation ? 

How can I put it to him in a way that is not going to make him feel strangled since the relationshhip is so young yet so close ? 

Thank you for sharing your experience. 

October 4, 2005, 9:55 pm CDT

matter of choice

Quote From: promising

I recently found disgusting pornography on my boyfriend’s computer (I mean REALLY disgusting, completely disturbing.) I know it is only "normal" for men to take delight in porn, but I feel like I’m responsible for his obvious dissatisfaction in bed. Feeling this way makes me want to become what he desires, which means I must give up the morals I maintain as a "civilized love maker." I cannot put this past me and I think its beginning to take its toll on my sanity. Please someone help me! 

No it is not normal.  It may be frequent but it is not normal.  You might want to try to get him to look at it this way:  what if one of these girls were his daughter or sister (unfortunately) ?  what would he think ?  would it be OK for his daughter or sister to be the object of such material ?  

He has no moral boundaries for himself as a man.  He seems to have limited self control. If this is what you want as a father for your children then this is ok.  As far as I am concerned it is a simple straightforward deal breaker.  My partner is not interested in this at all.  He has other interests that keep him busy.  This has nothing to do with you. 

You need to maintain your personal integrity and require your partner to support, respect and protect your integrity.  Then move on for your own sanity and self respect. 

Hope this helps.  All the best and chin up ! 

October 4, 2005, 10:14 pm CDT

wrong number?

Quote From: peanut6789

From what you've said he probably didn't want to hurt your feelings by saying don't call. Call if you want to......he may not want to. You had a good time on your date and he probably did too but you don't really know anything about him and he could have a lot of stuff going on in his life....It's hard to be let down but pick yourself up and get out there! There are more fish in the sea.

did you have the correct number ?  Is he in hospital ?  did he get scared ? perhaps .... 


Next ! chin up ! 

October 4, 2005, 10:29 pm CDT


Quote From: emetica

Wow that is exactly the same situation I am in at the moment. My partner and I have been together almost 2 years however, and his female friend is drug-dependant. It's a very hard situation to fix I know. It's caused me unbelievable anxiety and stress and has put a huge strain on our relationship.  


Maybe the best thing would be to organise an outing with you, your partner and his other friend just so you can meet her and talk with her. Maybe get a better understanding of where she stands with your partner. I have tried this but have not been able to completely communicate with her because of her drug dependency.  


My partner swears nothing is going on between him and his friend, and that he is only trying to help her sort her life out so that she doesn't get any worse or in the worst case, overdose. Your partner most likely is the same, just trying to help out. Although I know from experience that this is isn't much consolation. 


If your relationship is as close as you say it is, and you haven't been together all that long, then I wouldn't worry about it too much. He is with you for a reason, and I am pretty sure that if you voiced your concerns, he will listen to you and try to sort something out. 


Sorry I couldn't be of too much help, maybe someone else could offer something more? 

thank you for sharing your experience.  I think what bothers me is that my needs are not being met so I try to control what he does .  I feel he turns to others and will go out of his way to help distressed people. So if I am well he will not attend to our relationship whereas a relationship requires nurturing every day.   I have told him that I felt I got his attention when I was not well and I did not want this.  I have tried to bluntly speak my needs by saying : "I need this from you" ,  or  "I need you to ..."  but when it works, I have to put the dots so close together it almost becomes a line !   When it does not work he gets defensive.  There are other issues like :  MONEY he will spend thousands of $$ on his home renovations and on a brand new watch but he refuses to take us out for dinner or he wants us to share all expenses even though he makes more than twice as much as I do !!!!   (I do not stay at his house ever; he stays over at my place a couple of times a week.  His place is a slump and has been for the past 3 years.  He is happy to live this way until the house is finished.)   I feel although he can be generous and thoughtful he can also be extremely selfish. 

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