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Messages By: janette4

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July 5, 2006, 12:31 am CDT

Some Disability help

Quote From: catfire109

Hi Dr Phil, I injured my back 30 years ago, I have worked in the resturant business all my life, I have since been looking for office work because its gets harder and harder to do the work I use to, in fact I am not suppose to do hardly anything(even tho I still do) and I suffer all night because of it.. 

 My problem is that I have been searching for an office job and I have not had one offer. I am getting very depressed. My doctors told me I shouldnt work, but I always have, but at the same time, they will not put me on disability. They want to do surgery, but I do not have insurance and can not afford it with out it. So my husband is working, but he doesnt make very much, and we are having a very hard time, he works for his family in there family business, and they just dont pay very much over min. wage. So my question is, If I am unable to work because of my back and my doctor wont put me on disability what am I suppose to do? I am at my wits end. I have been looking every day for months searching for work, and so far, nothing. 

Thank you in advance for any advice. 

I am on Social Security disability. I'd like to offer some ideas from personal experience.    


First of all, the attorneys that handle SS disability are legally limited to how much they charge, and then they can only charge if they win your case. Most won't charge anything up front.   


Find a good attorney by going to the National Organization of
Social Security Claimants’ Representatives   


You might as well use the best, since they all must charge the same fees.    


There are some new rules and regulations on disability, you might want to visit this website:  You can even access the Federal Codes from this website.   


It's important to file right away, because even if you get turned down they go back to your date of filing the claim, and you receive back pay from the date you filed. When you file,  keep in mind 2 or more appeals are common, and don't take it personally. It's government procedure. The attorney gets a percentage of your award back pay, but again, the amount he can charge is limited by law.   


If you have children, they will receive an income also, so will get back pay as well.    


If you are able to receive state disability, Social Security subtracts that from your back pay award. You should check in your state to see how to apply for state disability, in some states simply a form from the doctor saying you are temporarily disabled (some doctors are more comfortable with temporary disability, rather than labeling you as permanently disabled.   


Take each step one at a time.    



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July 11, 2006, 6:21 pm CDT

Been there!

 When my daughter was almost 5 years old, and my son was a toddler, I was having a very difficult time with parenting. My daughter refused to cooperate with anything until I spanked her. I tried yelling, taking away toys, and time outs. She acted like Mommy wasn't serious until the spanking. I believe she was abused with the amount of spankings she got. I felt like a failure as a parent, and I was getting so frustrated. To make things worse, their father (now my ex-husband) kept telling me they were spoiled!

One day, after a particular difficult situation with my daughter, I realized this child was scared of me! I locked myself in my bedroom, got down on my knees and begged God for His help. The problem was in my attitude. That is, recognition of who she, they, belong to. I was just borrowing them. When they were grown and no longer in my home, who would they be? Did I want scared children growing up with lousy skills to navigate through life, and the modeling of a parent that was always angry? How could they understand love? What kind of love could they give, with my example? 

The first thing I learned was to lower my voice. I found that daughter ALWAYS listened when I talked very quietly, even whispered. If I found myself angry, I would whisper. Then, I found an excellent book, by Adele Faber, called Talk So Your Child will Listen, and Listen So Your Child will Talk.

Then, I learned about boundaries. Did you know that a 2-year-old child with no boundaries is extremely insecure? They must have boundaries to feel loved. I read a book called Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. (Drs. Cloud and Townsend now have a specific books for parenting, called Raising Kids Right, and Boundaries for Kids).

Then, I set out to model behavior I wanted my children to have. But what was that behavior?  By this time, I was also in counseling. I was dealing with my own anger and issues, and I was using skills and principles learned in counseling to work with the kids. I was enjoying them like never before.

I have had some difficult situations with the kids. Remembering they aren't mine, but they are my charges while I am here, gives me great freedom. I no longer worry what people will think.

I found reminders worthy of hanging on my refrigerator. Like..."Fear is the Lowest Form of Discipline" "Discipline comes from Disciple. Disciple means to teach". What does your child learn from punishment? My daughter learned the wrong things from her frequent spankings. She saw Mommy was angry and hurt her, and that she was a bad girl. I have never spanked my son. Please, teach/discipline your child,  don't just punish. Yes, consequences for unacceptable behavior is absolutely necessary. I constantly asked myself, how can the consequences be a time of teaching? And remember, they feel secure when they have boundaries. They know what is expected of them. 
I was a single parent for 9 years. I remarried when they were 12 and 15. 
Before each began junior high school, I turned the responsibility over to them for getting out of bed in the morning. I gave them the responsibility of getting homework done and turned in. Some missed homework did influence their grades, that worked itself out.  Of course, I monitored the school work.  
My daughter is now 23, finished college with honors, and married last summer. She is now working on her teaching credential.  

My son is now 20. He is making good life choices. They are his choices, not mine.  
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July 11, 2006, 11:09 pm CDT

Some ideas

Quote From: one4u2rem

My son is 8 and he just doesn't understand normal things that kids "just pick up on as they grow up."  He is in special classes at school (going into the 3rd grade in August) and has never consistently been in a normal grade level classroom.  He has a LANGUAGE IMPAIRMENT ... which is something I learn more and more about every day with him.  


I am a strict and CONSISTENT single mom!  I am the only one that is around him enough to correct him, explain to him why this/that was wrong/not nice, etc.  He listens to me and shows respect, because he knows the consequences.  When it comes to listening to anyone but his mother/father ... that is when he loses respect and takes advantage of the situation.   


He thinks that playing is throwing things at other children, or bugging them until they complain and say stop.  I am at a loss of what to do.  There is so much more to this situation and hard to type in this small space, but here are the other issues:  He has had epilepsy (takes Dilantin) since 2002 (4 yrs old), but has been seizure free for 2 years!  ONLY because he can not be controlled at SCHOOL he takes RISPERDAL for his behavior.  We have been divorced since he was 2 years old.  His dad remarried a woman with 3 kids so his dad's household is the total opposite than mine.   


Most people tell me that he needs counseling and additional help.  IT ALL COST MONEY and that is something I don't have.  He does not know how to communicate his feelings and that is why he expresses them in "abnormal ways."  I have had so much advice given to me ... but the bottom line is money.  I want to find something that I CAN DO to help him along.  I do my best to correct him and explain to him almost every single time something happens ... is that wrong?  Does he only know his current bad behavior and NOT know how to change it?  He has a 11 year old sister and she knows when to RUN AND HIDE from his outburst ... she does everything to avoid making him mad, but sometimes just lashes out and he laughes!!!!   



Do you have health insurance? If so, find out what you can have covered as far as additional help.    


I don't know what state you live in, but look for Medicaid services that will help because you have a special needs child. Start at    


Many states have changed their Medicaid programs, and more people with children can get health care. If you don't understand the process, ask for help.   


Sometimes the school district can help you as well. Don't let your lack of money be a wall you keep running into. Be curious, creative, whatever it takes. There are other parents in your situation. Perhaps you could find a support group of parents of special needs children.    


It sounds like you are on the right track with him. I hope you are able to find some extra help.    



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January 30, 2008, 5:21 pm CST

I agree

Quote From: laronelaurie

I just finished watching todays episode of "Get Rid Of It!" and would like to suggest to those of you that can't seem to get rid of what you think is sentimental things from your past to use a digital camera and take pictures of your stuff.  As Dr. Phil suggested, pick those few things that you know for sure you would like to keep and then start a scrapbook (photo album) with the pictures of all the other things.  This way you can clear up the space the items are taking but still have a picture of them to be able to look at later through the years.  After all they do say "A picture says a thousand words".  I know when I take out my photo albums and go through them it brings back many happy memories.
 I have saved some things that I thought would be stuff my kids wanted. When my daughter got married, I said, "do you want to wear my wedding gown?" She said, Mom! get real! you were a size 2!

Since then, I have taken pictures of things so I can have illustrations to the stories I want to tell the grandkids. What a relief!

My husband and I moved into a less expensive house, and as we packed, we put stuff in the garage to donate/sell/toss. I was amazed at the stuff that charities cannot use, and just toss in huge garbage bins. Freecycle is a good alternative.

The last day we were in our former home, we still had a full garage, and had to do something with it all QUICK! So we called around to get someone to pick it up, thinking there were some good things in there. It cost $1900 to haul it all away. Yikes!

That cured me of thinking by saving it I was saving money for the future.

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December 13, 2008, 5:07 pm CST

If you speak English, thank a Vet

My husband is a Viet Nam Vet with PTSD, He is receiving non-service connected. He filed for service-connected disability repeatedly.  He filed four years ago, but his records were lost, it took them 2 years to find them this time. We were able to get a copy of his claims file, after waiting 2 years, and the errors are numerous. We started a new claim a year ago, and they have lost the claim 4 times so far. About a month ago I got a letter saying he was dead and I had to pay back $3700! Thats only latest in the INTENTIONAL idiocy of the VA. We ARE working with the American Legion, but they can't control the (intentional) misplacement of the records, and the (intentional) incompetence. Maybe they are waiting for him to die so they can deny his claim? I'd be willing to bet New York isn't the only VA that has shredded records and changed dates on files.

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