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July 25, 2005, 5:32 am CDT

Sizzle is Gone...

We have been only married for 1 1/2 years and we only have sex/make love once a month.  My husband says there is no time (we have no children).  When we do make love it takes about 5 minutes and is horrible, horrible and did I say horrible?  I have tried showing, telling, talking, writing to try and help him along with what I desire and still absolutely NO improvements.  He also lacks effective communication skills and when I talk to him about our relationship he looks at me like a deer in the headlights!  He does not respond, act on or try and change the direction of our relationship.  I am at a loss because he is such a kind, gentle and thoughtful soul.  He is the type of man that cleans the house, does laundry and pulls my side of the sheets down for me to go to bed! I have talked to him about our relationship for the last 6 months and our last conversation I said I am not going to renew the mortgage (due in September).


Is my Husband a lost cause?

July 25, 2005, 1:03 pm CDT

Sexless Marriage

Quote From: lilacmess

Get thee to a therapist . . . and fast. It sounds like that's the only thing you haven't tried. That and an ultimatum: "Either you start taking the sexual part of our relationship and my sexual needs seriously or this marriage over." I mean, do you really want to spend the rest of your life in a sexless marriage? It's only been a year and a half and you have no children. You can still walk away relatively cleanly.
Thanks for your advice.  I have just made an appointment with a Therapist and my husband agreed to go.  We start this Thursday.  So sad.....
September 12, 2005, 10:18 am CDT

From Lost Cause

Quote From: juballl

Let's hope he is not a lost cause! Communications is the cornerstone of any relationship, platonic or otherwise. How you have a husband and have not been able to communicate is beyond me, but you do, and that is why you have the problem.

Finding a time to sit down with no distractions, (television, others around, having a deadline of some place to be) and sit face to face and make him talk.

When you talk with him, make sure you ask open ended questions, ones that he can't just give a yes or no answer to, and when he does open up and make even a little progress, praise him in some way, not overly praise, but enough to give him the confidence of feeling like wow that wasn't so bad, I opened up, communicated and not in pain!  Make sure your first attempts at getting him to open up and communicate are about non-threatening things. Don't make it about sex, in the beginning. When you do finally get around to the topic of sex, make sure it is in a non-threatening place, such as the bedroom. Discuss it when in a park, or in the car on a drive. Some place he is not in fear of having to go right then and perform. Ensure as well that you don't criticize him for his thoughts or actions while getting him to open up. In  time, you will be able to talk about things that are wrong, in your eyes, but if he is not a talker,  you don't want to scare him off before he feel comfortable in opening up.

You are going to have to have patience, and in the beginning you are going to only get a little at a time, but in time, the more confident he is with expressing himself, he will open up more, and maybe he will begin to flow like a river.

When you do get around to talking about sex, again ensure it is open ended questions, and try and find out what he likes/turn on's and what he doesn't like/turn off's. It sounds like you are a more open person, so let him express his desires before you scare him with yours.

Again, this is not going to happen over night, and you will need patience. I hope this helps. Good luck, and great sex!

Thank you for your response.  I like your advice as communication is the cornerstone to all relationships.  We have started seeing a marriage therapist for about a month now.  He is very open with the therapist but closed mouth as soon as we get home.  I have asked him to go out for dinner/wine, etc. so we can talk but as soon as he is out of the therapist office he gets closed mouth again.  Last week the therapist asked us to go out and talk about the future of our relationship.  When I asked him to go out for dinner with me he said no.... The sessions have been fantastic and he takes full responsibility for the nose dive of our relationship but taking responsibility and acting on it is two different things.  So far I have only seen very small steps towards improvement.  My patience are starting to get thin because I have tried playing my last trump card which is my sense of humour and that didn't even work! We are no where near making love as we now sleep in seperate bedrooms!  He is a nice man but I think we need to think about seperating as it looks like we make better friends then parteners.

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