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Messages By: mayaja

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December 3, 2008, 3:13 pm CST

Over 40 and Pregnant

Quote From: oneofakind864

I'm married and have been for several years. At 42- I thought it was too late to have kids. That was OK because my husband has children from his first wife that are almost grown now(both in college) We had discussed children and he said-at that time- "he would be Ok with me having them...or not" I had numerous female problems  since we've been together (7 years) and had pretty much given up the possibility of children. Then- OMG! The stick turned up positive. After a bit of soul searching. wrestling with my selfish side that wanted to remain the focus of everything...and with the other side  of me that sees this as something of a miracle and worth recentering my life for- I decided I was happy and excited about it. . I discussed it with my husband and we  both agreed a "special needs" child was NOT for us and that if the prenatal testing showed that the baby was NOT normal- then we'd abort. But as test after test has come back with great news- my husband got more and more depressed. Now - as actually becoming parents is looming closer- he says at 42 ( with 2 grown children from a previous marrage) that he is to old to "do it all again" he also says financially we are not able. And he's freaked out that we still may have a special needs child.


Based on his reaction...I feel very alone. My family lives far away and I don't think my husband will be the supportive partner I hoped for. He's been there before so he won't be changing his mind "when the father's love" of holding a newborn  is supposed to kick in either. But at the same time- I've seen the baby on the sonogram. I'm at 13 weeks and I saw a profile, little hands. arms...even a response to the sonogram equipment(it moved around & my heart melted) I have always thought abortion was a viable option when both parents wanted it- but I don't and he does.  My Dr says I can choose up to week 20. So - I guess for me- it's not a blob anymore but a bonafide baby that I husband refuses to come to see a sonogram and is adamant about aborting. We basically have 6 or 7 weeks to decide how to handle this.


My husband says it's not fair to make him be a parent again at our age, given our finances, his health and his other family responsibilities( he is NOT a deatbeat DAD at ALL!) That's why he's terrified of a new baby- he takes his responsibilities VERY seriously 

I say it's not fair to deny me the experience of being a Mom at all.

I love my husband...but I love me too

How do you find a compromise on such a black or white question?


Oh and PLEASE>>>PLEASE DO NOT TURN THIS into a virulent "pro life"/pro-choice" forum. I don't CARE what anyone's personal feelings about that question are. I want to some good advice- especially from those that have BEEN IN MY SITUATION, or from MEN about what is a loving and fair way to handle this between me and my husband. AGAIN- PLEASE NO!!!! prolife/prochoice" answers! This is about a man and a womans rights and which one takes precidence- NOT a moral issue of "is abortion right or wrong"  I don't want to be condemned for considering my options...I want to have a loving relationship with my husband..and if possible- a family.  But from where I stand..."one" of us is going to feel "wronged" and "bitter" no matter what the final outcome is. Any helpful advice would be greatly appreciated!




At 39 I discovered (on April fools day at that) that I was pregnant with my third child.  Our son was 14 and daughter going on 10 and my husband and I was totally shocked and caught off guard.  After a few days of recovering, both my husband and I decided to abort.  Less than a year later, we were pregnant again!!! 


For weeks after finding out that we were pregnant again I struggled with wanting to keep the baby, seeing it as a second chance to make up for the quick decision that both my husband and I made.  My husband remained stern with feeling that we were too old and not wanting to start over again.  I remember crying in the car on my way too and from work not knowing what to do.  Ultimately, since I am the major breadwinner, and would have to shoulder the financial responsibility, as well as deal with my emotions without the support of a happy father to be-at 12 weeks pregnant-I aborted for the second time in my life!


Its been almost two years since the first unplanned pregnacy and as I look back I REGRET  that I didn't go through with it!!  Now at 41 I'm trying to get pregnant again, and my husband (after living with me being tormented about my decision) is finally on board-But now I'm 41 instead of 39!!!!!


I say, its your baby and he may not always be your husband, so do what pleases you and the rest will fall into place.


Oh and by the way, my husband (boyfriend a the time) wanted me to abort our 15 year old son and I refused-today they are always running around to football or basketball games, etc.


If you already aborted-you may very well regret it and resent your husband afterwards.  If you decided to keep the baby-hang in there!!  Once he sees how happy the baby makes you-he will be ok too!  Just have faith!


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