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Messages By: anettb

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September 5, 2005, 2:30 am CDT

Separation Anxiety:(

I've been struggeling with feelings of not being in controle, loosing myself and going crazy for the past 2 months. Basically I'm afraid of being by myself and loosing controle of my emotions and mentally dragging myself so far down that I'm without chance of being "me" again. I've sreached the internet, read books, talked to friends and family, even my doctor, but it seemed that the answer to my fear was nowhere to be found. Anxiety, depression, basic "loonety" or what. But after watching the "Dr Phil - Phobia show" I saw a light; Before I met my present boyfriend I was fine, I had no problem being alone, I knew me, I knew what to expect form life, I was allright. But a few weeks after meeting him, the anxiety raised it's ugly head again and I started having problems being alone, by myself. I got panic attacs, couldn't thing rationally, started sweating, couldn't eat, sleep or function for days at a time.. It's been like that for 2 onths now, some days are better, some days are worse. I try to locate the source of the fear; what am I afraid of? Why am I doing this to myself. I realized after sometime that I'm so afraid of him not missing me when we're not togheter, that he doesn't really really care (allthough he has given me no reason what so ever to believe this) and so on.. On a bad day I'll wake up at his place, being so on the edge that I just wanna go die somewhere, IF I don't know when I'll be seeing him again. It's exhausting, it's so energy draing that I'm constantly tired, I'm always on the edge, I'm alwsys thinking "What if he doesn't want me in his life???"  But seeing the show I realize it's an irrational anxiety, it's a negative thinking pattern that doesn't make sense or give me anything at all! I need to face this, i need to turn my way of thinking around, I need to realize that the worst case scenario (aka, we break up, won't be as bad as I think, sad, painful, yeah, but I'll get over it) ain't the end of the world! Knowing this, I hope I'll be able to cope, to turn my life around. I feel so much better knowing that I can do this myself, I can change it back to the way it was!  


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