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September 4, 2005, 8:07 am CDT

Giving and Receiving Support

Quote From: 062ctbnd

   Almost 20 yrs. ago now I was with a guy; he was not perfect but we were dating for about 5 yrs. I say he was not perfect because he drank a lot but wasn't mean or anything. A lot happened while we were together and I knew he wasn't going to change, but I needed a change in my life.   


   I signed up to go into the military and before I left I promised to keep in touch; he didn't want me to go because he was afraid I would marry someone else and he'd never see me again.  

I never did write to him, I think because I was enjoying being out in the world so much. I also met another guy and I eventually married him; we've been married for about 17 yrs. and have a teen aged son.  


   I lost track of that guy from almost twenty years ago until just this past weekend. I now know where he lives so I have an address and phone number. Now I find myself thinking about him a lot and wondering how he's doing...the thing is, I pretty much left him high and dry all those years ago and I don't know if he would even want to hear from me now. Also, I don't know if he's married now or what, and I know I don't want to interfere with whatever relationship he may have going right now.  


   Should I write to him or call to see how he's doing? I have no intention of going back to him as I have a family and a good job where I am, and I don't want to mess up his family if he has one, but I feel as though I need to know how he's doing and apologize for what I've done.  


   As for his drinking, yes, I think he's still at it. I saw in the newspaper on the internet where he was arrested for DUI three yrs. ago. After all this time he's not going to quit till he's good and ready.  

I can understand what you're going through.  I also found out where my first love was living and thought about contacting him.  I too thought I should apologize about how I ended our relationship.  When I first found out where he was living it stirred up a lot of old feelings.  I put off contacting him thinking it was not a good idea to do anything when I was feeling so emotional.   


Thank goodness.  After much thought I finally decided not to contact him.  No point going back in the future.  I am thankful for the love and happiness I have with my family now.  Contacting an old love just isn't worth risking everything I have.   


I let go of my guilt feelings about how I ended the relationship, and decided that there was no point feeling guilty about something that happened 25 years ago.  I moved on a long time ago and if he didn't then its his responsibity, not mine.  


I wish you the best in whatever choice you make.  


September 10, 2005, 7:54 am CDT

Pretty VS Ugly

I have seen so many instances of pretty versus ugly that my head is spinning. 




When I was in my younger I considered myself to be average, was slim, and since the age of 13 had long beautiful hair.  Someone was always commenting on how beautiful it was.  Well, between the age of 16 and 25 I cut my hair, three times (to just above shoulder length).  Here’s how people reacted to this: 

-         one of my bank customers, who would always come to my teller wicket (and would actually wait if there was a lineup):  what have you done to your hair!!  After that I wasn’t his favorite teller anymore. 

-         My mother (if you can believe it):  you’re not my Debbie anymore (ouch, my self-esteem hit an all-time low) 

-         A co-worker:  again, what have you done to your hair!  He never treated me the same way again. 




One of my girlfriends was so pretty that quite literally every man in the room would turn their heads to stare at her.  Women were extremely jealous of her beauty.  There was one huge pitfall to her beauty – she attracted all of the men who shallow womanizers, who wanted to have a beautiful woman on their arm for the sake of their own ego.  Many of these men were abusive in nature. 




I’ve also seen women get a job because they were beautiful or volumtuous – hired by a man (who bragged later on to other men why he hired her).  Extremely frustrating to women who are not perceived as beautiful, volumtous, etc. 




One final note on being perceived as beautiful – this person is often excluded from groups of other women because they are jealous of their beauty. 




I have seen heavier women not wanting to be with slim women and vice versa.  Slim women sometimes look at heavier women and wonder why they don't take care of themselves.  Heavier women don't want to be around slim women because they feel they are discriminated against, and may become jealous.  Jealousy can be painful to whomever it is directed at.  So this discrimination goes both ways.  


Unfortunately from all of the ads with pretty/handsome, slim models and actors, society has set a standard of what's beautiful and what isn't.  This isn't fair (as many things in life are not), so all children must be taught and validated over and over and over again by their parents, teachers and friends that each one is unique and it’s what inside that counts.  


Interestingly enough, teenagers who focus solely on being beautiful with very little or no focus on studies or developing strong family values eventually realize just being pretty doesn't work anymore; it's values and intelligence that are respected.  They have to re-evaluate their beliefs and work to re-define themselves; a long difficult journey.  







I think each and every child should be taught (both boys and girls) that beauty what's inside the person, not outside.  And that someone isn’t better because they're perceived as pretty.  And that someone is no lesser a person because they’re perceived as 'ugly'.  And to reinforce this, the most important thing is that as a society we need to change our perception of what beauty is.  


Pretty vs Ugly - we all need help! 

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