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Messages By: traumaqueen45

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October 27, 2007, 11:42 am CDT

I know how they feel

I know just how these ladies feel.  I have not spoken about this outside of my immediate family until now.    When I was younger, I was teased about being ugly, even by my own siblings.  When I reached my twenties and men found me attractive, I began to think I was and my confidence rose.  One of the men I dated was very attractive and my sister wondered why he was dating me and not her because 'she was better looking.'  I soon moved away from the negative forces in my life and I went back to college in my 30's and became an LPN.  That also helped my confidence.    Now I am 53 and disabled due to toxic chemicals that I was exposed to at work. I rarely go out in public.  Not only because of my fear of exposure to products that make me sick, but also because I no longer resemble the woman I once was.  I have gained 50 pounds since I became ill.  I think I am a fat ugly pig.  I initially gained weight when I was put on several courses of steroids due to health problems and have been unable to get the weight off, even though I walked all summer long with little success.  Exercise for me in the wintertime is hard because I also have CFIDS and fibromyalgia which seem to worsen in the cold winter months.   I was recently diagnosed with heart and lung problems and even walking leaves me short of breath, so I now wear oxygen. I do have a treadmill, but rarely use it, because trying to avoid the oxygen tubing is also a pain.   I have thought of plastic surgery, but after a woman I used to work with mentioned she was trying to find help to remove excess skin from her abdomen after gastric bypass, I gave up my dream of having plastic surgery to help her.   I am alone all day long and have minimal conversation with my husband at night because he comes home long enough to eat, watch an hour or two of TV and then he's off to bed.  My 'friends' are limited to my internet.  I have other family members that live nearby, but they are busy with their lives, so I do not see them either unless we run into each other accidentally.   That's my life and I am so tired of it.  I want to feel good about myself again, but whenever I look in the mirror or step on the scales, I hate myself all over again.

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