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Messages By: ladyannne

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September 8, 2005, 11:00 am CDT

Keep The Photos

Quote From: buckeyegal

Thanks for your thoughts.  I'm still in a quandry about this.

As much as we all have past relationships and perhaps events we might regret, each and every one of those are "what happened" and cannot be erased from our lives or memories. Accepting these events as we make new lives helps me realize that I am a result of all these events, good and bad.  I went through a bitter, ugly divorce that unfortunately, still influences all our lives after seven years. I am now with a wonderful man who lost his wife to cancer. Her picture remains on the family picture wall, and always will. I maintain her gardens and include her daily in my prayers. A picture of my wedding with my beloved father who has passed on, also includes my ex-husband, and is on the family picture wall.  Visitors are often shocked by both pictures currently diplayed in our household. My response, as always, is that both people were a large part of our lives, why should I hide their existence?  I am also blessed to have a mate with the same attitude.  


Keep the photos, tell them both to grow up and take a real good look at jealousy. 

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September 8, 2005, 11:24 am CDT

Repairing Broken Relationships

Quote From: johnster

Is this the right place to look for advice on step-parenting?  My wife has a 14 year old daughter that is sweet, talented and smart . . . but spoiled, according to my estimations.  I have big problems dealing with this.  It makes me mad when she doesn't act like I expect her to, yet I don't want to put any bad ideas in my wife's head about having a bad relationship with her daughter.  The daughter often seems distant towards me when we're alone, and somewhat more loving when her mom's around.  I don't know what is normal for teenagers behavior.  I have no children of my own.  We could go days without speaking to each other.  She does her thing and I do mine.  Thank goodness I work nights and don't have to be around them in the evenings.  I sometimes leave for work early so I don't have to be around her.  I want to be a loving dad to her, but just don't like her much.  I'd like to change my attitude towards her and have a happy home life.  any advise is welcome.

Johnster, step-parenting is simply tough. I am blessed (to have been a step child, a step mother, and now deal with my daughter and her step father) in that I have so many points of view that others have not seen or experienced.  What comes up first for me is to thank you for not only being a step parent, but to have sought out help as so many would not bother.   


The responses I have read are wonderful. Don't give up and keep trying to let her know it's ok for you two to be friendly.  If you two really do not like each other, I wonder if lightly approaching the subject, "Let's agree we don't like each other right now, but let's keep it light and ease the tension?" would help.  Make sure you include a grin in that conversation... 


Keep in mind that if you had a step son, you would be facing different issues. My daughter can be more comfortable at her father's house where she naturally hugs her dad and easily hug her step mother than she can hug her step father here at our house. Many issues get in the way for most daughters to be naturally demonstrative with step fathers, from the fear of any misunderstandings (sexual abuse runs rampant in the news) to feeling disloyal to their real father if the company of a step father is truly enjoyed.  


Beware of your expectations, too. They are YOUR expectations. My daughter is also 'spoiled' much to my new partner's dislike, but he has learned it is best to address issues quietly to me, or not at all. We have all learned to do the best we can, and keep working to make all our relationships better, instead of throwing in the towel.  


Hope this helped. Wishing you luck, understanding, patience and endurance. 


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