Message Boards

Messages By: nanny777

User Mood

Message Emote
August 2, 2005, 10:53 pm CDT

My best friend sleeps with her 7 year old daughter....

My best friend still sleeps with her 7 year old daughter- I have been there for her through a terrible divorce these last few years. We watched Nanny 911 last year & I thought it was a perfect opportunity to discuss the topic of her daughter sleeping with her. Then we watched Dr Phil when they had a little girl on that had the same problem- but she had both parents. She used to mention to everyone that her daughter sleeps with her, but she did not notice the concerned looks they shot her. Her family and other friends had voiced their concern to me also. When we were watching Nanny 911- I remember how she was appalled when the mother slept with her kids & even took the baby out of his crib to sleep in bed with her. But my friend does the same thing! When we discussed her situation- she told me that they only had eachother & she saw nothing wrong with it. But after watching a few more shows, and I brought up the subject a few times she agreed that it might be time. Her childs 7th birthday was in April so we had months to prepare her. I helped encourage her to be a big girl on her birthday & sleep in her own bed. I started to see signs of resistance from the mother as soon as we went shopping to give her daughter a big girl room makeover with new bedding, etc. I could see she was anxious about it herself. She will never admit this though. The first birthday night, her daughter went to bed fine. I had set up the room all by myself for her since her mother said she was too busy to do it. Then the mother said that she could come in her room if she was scared or woke up. I disagreed with her- I thought she should comfort her but put her right back in her big girl bed. Well that was the beginning of an exhausting struggle I don't want to be a part of anymore. When I announced to her family that the girl was going to sleep in her own bed- they applauded! I even saw the 'big girl' proud of herself. But I saw how her mother was having a harder time than she was. She told me she was too busy & tired to be bothered putting her child in her own bed- that it was easier to just let her sleep with her. So then I went over EVERY NIGHT & tucked her in her own bed. I asked her in the morning how it went & they both said fine, but I sensed something was wrong. When I asked the child alone if everything was ok with her big girl bed, she told me how her mommy would come & get her every time after I left & bring her to bed with her. Not only was her mother discouraging her from sleeping in her own bed, she was encouraging her to & telling her daughter to pretend she was going to sleep in her own room until I left. She was teaching her child how to lie & I believe hinder her development. Her child still has a blankie and sucks her thumb. We just found out that she has to have extensive dental work because of this. I told her that if she slept in her own bed & had her own privacy & space- then her self esteem would be more positive & she would be a much more confident girl. Her mother disagrees. They are still very affectionate also. Her mother is constantly asking her daughter for hugs & kisses- the child is very clingy to her mother & it seems that the mother is using her daughter to fill her needs for a affection that she is missing from a spouse. It is now August 1st and it is still continuing. Her roommate told me that whenever I help tuck the child into bed, the mother will go in & say she is going to kiss her goodnight but ends up taking her to bed with her. I feel like I am wasting my time. Also I treasure our friendship and don't want it to suffer because of this. I have spent sooo much energy on helping her through this divorce- I love her & her daughter as if she was my own. I find myself filling the role her father once did- because my friend complains all the time about having to raise her child alone- I help her all I can. My friend is a teacher & is working on her masters at night. A new school year is starting. I told her it would actually be easier on her to give her daughter a bedtime so she is on a schedule & then she will have time for herself. That is another thing-my best friend refuses to spend any time alone. If her roommate is not home, she will pack a bag & spend the night at her parents house. Her mother has confided in me many times that she is unhappy about this. I don't want to get involved, but because of our dear friendship- I have found myself in the middle. I even suggested an allowance each week & drew up a list of chores with the child- everyone loved the idea- but the mother does not follow it-especially the part where she should sleep in her own bed. She still gives her the allowance even if she does not do the chores which include sleeping in her own bed. My best friend is now lying to me- saying her child will go to sleep in her bed but then comes in her room in the morning- She says she sees nothing wrong with that- but I have a key to her house & found myself actually going there to check on her! Everytime her daughter would be sleeping with  her & when I asked her about it they both would lie to me- not knowing I checked- I feel stupid for doing that & wasting my time- she is not even my daughter. Maybe I am out of line- but her mother asked me to help- and it breaks my heart when others talk about her behind her back-especially her family. Also- this 7 year old girl has recently been caught acting out sexually with her girl cousin when she visited her father. I saw her last night with her hands in her pants watching tv- I told her mother that this was normal for her age- and that is why she needs her own space to sleep in with privacy. Her mother disagreed with me & just asked her to come to her & gave her more hugs & kisses & called her 'her little baby'.  I don't have children- am I wrong to try to help this way?? I babysit for her almost daily & I never charge her a dime- I love this kid- I don't want to see her grow up & sleep with the first warm body that comes along because she does not want to sleep alone. But I think what has happened is making things worse- her mother makes me out to be the bad guy- so the little girl views sleeping with her mother as a Good thing or a reward. That defeats the whole purpose. She should WANT to sleep in her own bed- to feel proud & confident. Another reason I believe she should be in her own bed- her mother is starting to date. She is meeting people online. I don't want her to bring someone home & have her daughter in the bed also~! And if she does have a man in her bed- and THEN she makes her child go to her own room- that is UNFAIR to the child & the child will resent them both! I have scoured articles online & emailed them to her- but she will open it and say "Blah  blah blah"- and delete it. I asked her mother today- "Do you believe it is ok for your daughter to sleep with you- if you think it is beneficial, then let me know so I can stop trying to help! She is YOUR daughter." My friend insists over & over that she does sleep in her own bed-which I know is untrue. . I TIVO Dr Phil EVERYDAY!! I love it! Please give me any advice!! Thanks so much!

First Page | Previous Page | 1 | Next Page | Last Page
Return to Message Board