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Topic : 11/11 Dating Disasters

Number of Replies: 142
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Created on : Friday, November 04, 2005, 02:52:56 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard3

If you’ve been asking yourself "How can I find a man?" Dr. Phil's Dating 101 is for you! Lexi thinks her cousin, Angel, is too shallow because she will not date a man unless he's a perfect 10. Dr. Phil puts Angel to the test by setting her up on three blind dates — and she’s the blind one!  Then, meet Heather, 27, who wants her meddling mother to stop joining her on her dates! Her mom, Anita, says she enjoys being the third wheel and loves staying in touch with her daughter's ex-boyfriends. Dr. Phil challenges Anita to find three eligible bachelors for her daughter, go on dates with them, and then narrow it down to one lucky man!  Plus, a single woman wants to know why all her online dates just want to have sex.  Join the discussion.


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November 11, 2005, 8:32 am CST

This and that

Angel's attitude made me sad. She is only concerned on what she can GET, not what she can give to a relationship.  


Taking Mom on the date. Sorry, at 27, unless you've been dating the guy a while and it's a birthday celebration or something like that, it doesn't work. He's dating you, not your mother! Boundaries, yes, boundaries! 


When I heard Tamara's online ad, I wasn't surprised she was getting the response she was getting. Dr. Phil was dead on about getting it rewritten. The words "getting and receiving affection" were all I needed to hear. Guys just don't read that as "snuggling" or being cozy. They read that as being sexual. They're not going to notice the other facts. They're going to zone in on anything remotely sexual. I'm glad they helped her rewrite her ad.  


Online dating is a tool and nothing more. It can be a good thing or a bad thing, it all depends on what you hope to get out of it. If you go into it with full hopes of meeting your future mate, you may be very disappointed. If you look at it as a way of meeting new people, it's a lot easier. I dated a number of guys this way and it was a learning experience. I didn't date in high school or college. And by swapping e-mail ahead of time and talking on the phone, we knew a lot about each other ahead of time. Much better than meeting someone in a bar. 


I do caution people who do online dating to use caution. Don't give out too much information in the beginning or invite someone to your home. Meet them in public a few times first. If they won't give you a home phone number after a few dates, that is a red flag to me. That may mean there's someone at home (wife or girlfriend) they don't want you to know about. Just be careful and online dating can be a fun thing. And don't limit yourself. If a friend wants to introduce you to a co-worker, that can be a good way to meet people, too. I met my own husband at work. 


One last thing about eHarmony. I have a number of friends who tried it and hated it. I think the system has gotten way too big and has glitches. I think is better in that you can decide for yourself on whom you want to contact and take control of the situation.  

November 11, 2005, 9:00 am CST

11/11 Dating Disasters

Quote From: smjm7288

I am currently using and now I am wondering WHY? I have been on a couple of dates, the one guy I thought we hit it off had alot in common and  then get an e-mail stating we don't have any chemisrty (at least he was honest). Give me a break after one date and he can already tell. I have sent pics of myself to some of these guys and then you don't hear back from them. I am not a tall blonda with big boobs, but I am an attractive woman. So as far as I am concerned this is not the place to try to meet a mate.    


I also don't want to sit in the bar trying to meet someone. I am 41, any ideas on how to meet a decent man???   

My response is...wait. and stop "looking" for him. Most of us have tried every avenue to find a mate. I realized for me that when I was "looking" I was desperate.  I was in my mid 30s and so tired of being single. But I also realized that it wasn't  the right time. I have a strong spiritual base and I turned back to that. I started to trust  that when God was ready for me to meet someone then it would happen. I learned to understand that this time being single was to be cherished and enjoyed. I changed my mindset about being single. I would take myself on dates to the movies and dinner or spend time with friends and family and pursuing some of my dreams. See, when you are so focused on a relationship sometimes you can't see or focus on other stuff. I know I couldn't. I'd be so interested in the relationship I couldn't do anything else. I stopped always saying " when is it gonna be me?" when friends would marry, etc. It finally became so much fun to be single...believe it or not. 


I am now  40 and in a relatiosnhip with the greatest, god fearing man who I plan to marry next year. And I wasn't looking for him when he came. I didn't meet him in a bar or online. I met him in passing at a salon I used to work at and then about 10 months later we saw each other at a class, and it was history from there. My gosh I wish I could share the entire story with you because I believe it would be a great encouragment to you. But don't worry. Be patient. Change your thoughts about being single. Understand that when it is will be time even if that time is 10 years from now. And really be ok with that. Enjoy this time being single. Pursue some of your passions...reading, writing, antiquing, etc. I will keep you in my prayers. 

November 11, 2005, 9:12 am CST

11/11 Dating Disasters

Quote From: wwinston

Dear Dr. Phil,  

I am surprised that you didnt address Lexi's real issue. She doesnt like Black men. She is trying to find a knight in shining armor in any white face. She uses the stereo types of her lack of poor judgement in men by using all the cliche's that many racially prejudiced white american's think. She should have been on the "Why I dont date Black men and I am Black" show. As an African American man and originally from the "Ghetti" I am so sorry of black people going on nationally syndicated shows blaming there poor choices in men on race. I live in suburbs now and most people Black or White dont think I even know what the "ghetti" is about. I never forgot where I came from. It helps me be who I am today. A successful well respected Black man in my community. 


By the way. he sleepy eyes and and about a level 7 body dont even make HER a 10 so go figure. 


Remeber she said as long as he is cute he can even treat her bad but she will stay anyway. Issues of race are strong in our country and it is pitiful to see a black woman hate herself so much and embaress the good black men in Ameica. I would love to tell that to her myself. 


God bless. and thanks for a great show 



I don't normally do this kind of thing but this it burned at me so bad I just had to write in as the show was being aired. I have been looking back to see if anyone else had made any comments because I knew I could not have been the only one appauled. So it is quite refreshing to see another person comment on one of Lexi's real issues! Especailly a Black man. As a Black woman myself I was so disappointed and I can clearly see that she also does not like herself. Hopefully, you will check back and you can see my 10 page (smile) response. 


Thanks for also pointing out that she is not a 10 herself. she even a 5??? 


Maybe there will be a follow-up show. I would love to see her real issues addressed. 


November 11, 2005, 9:36 am CST

What a miss

What a miss this show was!!  I watched it because I am single and wanting to be in a relationship.  I am currently using and wonder why when you meet someone in person does the chemistry not happen.  Now, sometimes it does - but sometimes a great rapport online will fizzle when you meet in person.  I have wondered and wondered if I am shallow and that the guys looks or my looks ruin it.   

Well, Dr. Phil - you had a chance to answer my question and YOU BLEW IT!!  What sense did it make to pick the two white guys to even participate in your little experiment?  They were not short, black or eyes close together.  You did not teach Lexi ANYTHING!  In fact, you confirmed her belief that a white, good-looking tall guy with eyes appropriately spaced is indeed "into" dating her!!   


I realize that some guys I meet are toads and I walk away after the first date and continue to look.  I am tall, 5'10" and want someone taller than me... I do not want to feel "bigger" than the guy I am interested in.  But, Dr. Phil, the real issue here is the worth us single women feel in ourselves.  I have my own house, my own car, dogs I love and am comfortable.  But Lexi was a mess.  She has not only an unrealistic view of love, life and men - but of herself, as well!  You didn't even go there.   


That's the answers I want.  Am I the toad?  <<Probably>> Do all guys online want the trophey date?  Or am I unrealistic?  Is the world not ready for me to meet a decent man or is it my fault?  Or am I shallow and self-sabotaging myself like Lexi is because in reality we are both not ready to be in a loving respectful relationship probably because we do not respect ourselves.  Dr. Phil you had a chance to give the world some of those answers (and all of us dating online have them about that instant yuck you get when you meet someone in person after having a good online introduction)....  You only reinforced Lexi's problems.  And, answered none of my lingering questions about dating and men. 


November 11, 2005, 10:00 am CST

Waiting does no good either!!

I'm 33, I've been single, no dates,etc. for over 7 years!  I was with my daughters' dad for almost 5 years, then we broke up when she was 2 1/2 months old.  I've been single ever since! 

I'm sick of waiting for something to fall into my lap, because believe me, it DOESN'T HAPPEN!! 

I'll be 50 and alone at the rate I'm going now, and I dread my daughter growing up because I don't know how I'll live having to ramble through life totally alone.  All my friends went away to school, or met their spouses while I was w/ my daughters' dad, so I pretty much wasted the 'prime' years being with him.  Now everyone is married and having kids, so I guess I"ll have to wait 5-10 years for people to start getting divorced before I'll be able to find an available guy who's not a drunk or psycho. 

Since I have no friends and nothing to do, how am I supposed to meet Mr. Right? 

November 11, 2005, 10:17 am CST

what you can expect is what you have to offer

Dating?  Interesting topic.  Dr. Phil, you really dropped the ball on this segment.  What  a shame. 

I always wonder if people even remotely understand that what they have to offer is just as important as what they are looking for.  Look in the mirror and ask yourself, who am I, what do I have to offer.  Am I intelligent, funny, economically free, a good attitude, an athletic or decent body, what do I do to keep myself happy, healthy and productive.  When you answer all those questions honestly, then, surround yourself with likewise people and tell your friends you are available to date.  They know people who know people, that's where it is at.  If you don't meet someone, it's probably because you're not looking in the right places.  Go to evening classes, become a volunteer, go to Starbucks or the local grocery store.  Probably it's staring you right in the face.  I think you all are looking for so much more than what you have to offer.  That's the problem, nothing more, nothing less.    

November 11, 2005, 10:20 am CST

stop trying

Quote From: slyons9944

You sound like a nice guy. Be patient. Be you. I do not know your spiritual background but when God says it is time you will find your soul mate. Spend your time enjoying being single and not worrying about coming home to an empty house. Been there done that. When I changed my attitude and prayers I began to enjoy being single and enjoy my time alone in my house. I am getting ready toi get remarried and I have been blessed with the most wonderful man. But things are different. The freedom and flexibility is different. But it's good. When that right one comes you will not worry about whether she likes you or will know with great confidence. Take Care 

why try to do what everybody else wants you to isn't "sexy."  Just be who you are, the rest will follow.
November 11, 2005, 10:44 am CST

Online dating can work, if you're smart about it.

 I haven't seen today's show yet, but I just wanted to say a couple of things about online dating. I've been giving it a go for the past couple of years now, but I have currently decided to try to meet someone in more "conventional" means. However, I have met some really nice guys online. Of course though, after talking to them online, we always met in person. I think looking online for someone is a good way to know who's out there too. I don't go to the bars (I try to stay as far away from them as possible), I don't go to single dances, and I'm not part of a church or any other organization, so how else would I meet people? Sure, I have friends who have male friends, but all their male friends are either attatched, or not looking. So I think there's nothing wrong with trying to find someone online. I know many people who are happily married to someone they've met online. You just gotta be careful about it though. I mean, obviously if and when you do meet the person, NEVER meet at their place or privately. ALWAYS meet them in a public place, like a coffee shop or something. And NEVER give your address over the net or anything else that's personal. Because you really don't know who you're talking to. I've had guys who, within the first few minutes of talking to them, they get all sexual on me. I just tell them goodbye, and I block and delete them. Obviously guys like that are not interested in getting to know me as a person, so why should I get to know them as a person? Anywho, I'm just going on and on here. Oh, I also wanted to say that eharmony does not work. I put in my profile once, and it came up saying something like, "Sorry, there is no one matching you. Please try again later." Something like that. It made me laugh actually. LOL. I guess I'm just too unique to find someone like me on that site! Now, if only I can find a guy who's profile came up with the same messege.. hmmmmmm.....:P
November 11, 2005, 10:52 am CST


Quote From: whois333

I'm 33, I've been single, no dates,etc. for over 7 years!  I was with my daughters' dad for almost 5 years, then we broke up when she was 2 1/2 months old.  I've been single ever since! 

I'm sick of waiting for something to fall into my lap, because believe me, it DOESN'T HAPPEN!! 

I'll be 50 and alone at the rate I'm going now, and I dread my daughter growing up because I don't know how I'll live having to ramble through life totally alone.  All my friends went away to school, or met their spouses while I was w/ my daughters' dad, so I pretty much wasted the 'prime' years being with him.  Now everyone is married and having kids, so I guess I"ll have to wait 5-10 years for people to start getting divorced before I'll be able to find an available guy who's not a drunk or psycho. 

Since I have no friends and nothing to do, how am I supposed to meet Mr. Right? 

stop crying for god's sake, you have a child, be a mother....until she's grown.  Then, who knows, you'll get to meet someone.  In the mean time, stop worrying about what you don't have and count your blessings.
November 11, 2005, 11:04 am CST


After my second divorce I almost gave up on ever  meeting someone else who would make my life full again.  I have two wonderful children and after a great total makeover, I decided to put myself out in the dating world again and actually went after what I wanted.  This person had to love children, be tolerant of my long hours, sports and other activities that my children were involved in and enjoy being together without it just leading to the bedroom.  I met this person and dated for several years and then life came at me with another blow to my ego...I began falling in love with him and also off my feet literally.  We parted ways because he couldn't handle all the medical let downs that I went through time and again.  Now after two years of searching for the reason for these falls and finding out that my whole body of bones is becoming so porous that I now walk on crutches and probably will for the rest of my life he has come back into my life and wants to work everything out.  I took him back with several conditions that he not expect any miracles in my ever regaining full use again of my feet, he tries very hard to accept this and I have come to terms with my future and am learning to do things all over again.  He agrees and now after a year doing the long distance relationship, the ups and downs of disappointments in my treatment, and the constant phone calls and emails I am in the process of heading back to him and starting our lives together. 


In our time apart, I took the time to evaluate what I wanted and needed in a partner of life.  I have had to set new goals for myself and a new set of goals that included my children (age 12 and 9). 

I have learned that I can be selfish and maybe shallow in what I wanted but after listening to the show I found I was realistic in my views.  I'm not a perfect 10 in any  way, shape, form, or fashion.  I joined several dating sites, I went to the bar scene and I talked with several guys and found out lots of information that helped me in the long run.  Most guys upon learning of my disability found ways to just be friends or just never called again.  A few guys stayed to learn the real me inside and a small fraction of them have kept in touch to this day because I was only asking for friendship not love.  I wanted to see how people would react to a person with a disability that they have no control over.  First guys want  to know is did this happen in an accident or what.  Second they are surprised that I have a great attitude in my "present condition" like I have a fatal disease.  And Finally guys can't believe that a "beautiful woman as yourself" can accept this disability as all there is in life.   


I would like everybody out there in the real world to understand I came to terms with my disabilty before I attempted to do this little study.  I was fully aware that most guys would turn on their tails and run and fully expected it.  For the most part of this study I just wanted to be the person I was before it happened to me.  I have taught my children that life comes at you with anything and everything and the world has it own views about life but just take on the attitude that when  your plate is so full that nothing else will fit on it...handle what you can and leave the other stuff for will always be there.   


Loving Life and Enjoying It. 

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