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Topic : 03/13 Infidelity Aftermath

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Created on : Friday, November 04, 2005, 02:51:01 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard3

(Original Air Date: 11/10/05) Lies, deceit, sex and scandal. Dr. Phil speaks with husbands and wives who've been caught cheating — and are paying the price. Albert and Camille have been married 11 years, but she hasn't been able to trust him since his affair three years ago. Albert admits to cheating, and says he would do it again if he knew he could get away with a "freebie!" Camille is convinced he's still involved with other women, but Albert says he's not cheating. Then, Danielle and Chris were high school sweethearts, but less than three months after getting married, Danielle found herself in the arms of another man. Numerous affairs later, Danielle is pregnant with another man's child. Can these marriages survive this much betrayal?  Join the discussion.


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November 9, 2005, 9:20 pm CST

11/10 Infidelity Aftermath

Quote From: beirne

I found out 6 months ago that my husband had been cheating on me.  We are married over 30 years.  He became friendly with a woman and after a long time they began an affair which has lasted over 3 years.    He ended it when I found out, and since then he has done everything to make amends.  However there are so many questions that I have, and he is getting very tired of answering them, he says it is time to move on.  I just do not believe that he has told me the whole truth and while I do not think he is seeing her at the moment , i think in time they may meet and it will start all over  We live so near to each other.  I keep wanting to go and ask her her side of the story and then I stop myself.  What do others think, should I go and ask her or should I leave it.  I am so upset and I feel so betrayed by my husband and I want to move on and forgive but I am stuck.  I can think of nothing else but his betrayal of me and my family. H e swears it is all over but how do I know. 

What experiences do other wives have about talking to the "Other Woman" 

This man, your husband had an affair which lasted over 3 years, and 'ended' because you found out.!   What 'story' do you want this other woman to tell you, she had an affair with your husband, if this woman does reassure you that the affair is definatley over, this will not change the way that you are feeling now, hurt, lost and i presume alone. 


Your husband has had his 'fling' and now does not wish to rehash issues or discuss further details, he has no respect for your feelings and the more that he 'tires' of answering your questions the more distant he will become,  and you inturn are going to  suffer with your hurt and doubts even more.   If you wish for your marriage to survive,  you should both seek counseling, in this wy you would be able to voice your doubts and feelings, to open up to someone who is neutral and perhaps give you correct guidance in overcoming this problem,  but  your husband must be willing to be a part of this process. 


Don't  feel ashamed of seeking help,  you say that you have been married for over 30 years,  I presume that this could be one of the reasons why you are trying to be tolerant of the situation as you do not wish other people to find out,  you have nothing to be ashamed of, especially of a matter which you could not control. Don't allow this problem to swallow you, take some action so that you may find your peace. 


Personally, I would find it near to impossible to trust mu husband if he cheated on me for 1 day, let alone 3 years. 


Good luck 



November 9, 2005, 11:27 pm CST

Dump him dear

Quote From: angbow

I too am going through a newly found out about affair. As he was just busted last thursday. I was going through the checkbook looking for a check and found a receipt that had fallen out. Little did I know, that receipt would turn my life upside down. It was a receipt for flowers- a dozen red roses that had been wired to Indiana. We live in Texas and I knew I didn't receive any flowers. He is a truck driver. <---that is really not the problem. I trust when he is working, he is working. but I have been corrected. As I reviewed his bank statement which also seemed to be out in the open, I found out he had purchased a nice meal and a motel room. In the beginning he denied it. But knowing I had the proof, he had no choice but to confess. He stated that this girl---which I knew to be a friend---was depressed and he sent her flowers to boost her esteem. Said it made him "sick" after he sent sick that 4 days later, he stayed in a motel room with her...which he is still trying to deny he stayed there but he admitted he got for her b/c electricity was cut off at her home..yeah right. Oh by the way, she is married too.. So i confronted her as well, and don't be surprised here, she told me "you are crazy, I don't know what you are talking about"....Thus the lies and deceit..Then he tells me later that "she told him a couple of months ago, she is in love with him".   I was so mad, that I packed all of his things, placed them in our garage and am awaiting him to come get them.  This relationship has been full of abuse-mental and physical, lies, and now cheating. He swears he is in love with me, but how can you be so sure?  I think it is the fear of losing everything. He has never had as much as he has now. Thank God that we have no children together and this can be a clean sweep. But after going to church on Sunday, I am confused about what I should do, any comments will be appreciated. thanks
 Zero tolerance! You don't have children and you are still young enough to go forward and make a life for yourself. Dump him. Period. End-of-story. In this day and age, can a woman AFFORD to risk her health with a cheater??? I say NO, absolutely not. And that's exactly what you are doing if you stay married to a man who cheats. In this day and age with all the sexually transmitted diseases going around -- how could you ever, ever be sure of him? This guy is a dog. You deserve much better. Dump him.
November 9, 2005, 11:35 pm CST

Are you serious?

Quote From: lvcmew1129

I just found out this past Labor Day for sure that my husband was haveing an affair and who the woman was. It was my neighbor whom one of her daughters and mine are very close friends and she lives 2 doors away.  

Our marriage hasn't been the greatest for about the last 5yrs.  I had an accident on my job (broke my wrist) and some how ended up with this nerve disease called: Reflex Sympthetic Dystrophy-RSD for short.  Most people have never even heard of it much less know what it is.  I went through so much pain at the time it was unbearable . I know that put a very big strain on my relationship with my husband dealing with my mood swings,etc. Through it all he always said "I'm not going anywhere- I love you and I am here for you". Then the early part of this year there were other things going on and I had to see a therapist because I was very depressed and almost had a break down. I needed him so bad and by this time he was just as far away as he could be. I tried to make him understand that I was trying to get myself out of this thing that I was in- fighting it hard but he could not or should I say didn't want to see it.  

Then there were times when I was put on Anxiety medication that really helped put me on the right track I tried really talking to my husband telling him how I felt and nothing. His cell phone was like his life line. He could not live without it. Always kept it by his side, if he left the house and forgot it he ran back to get it. I asked him one night if he had a woman he said no.  But I know he always stuck up for this woman when ever I would say something negative about her. Like the fact that she is a closet acoholic, she sleeps around, etc. He would always say I didn't know her and I should stop talking about her. When he would take our daughter to the movies he would take her daughter, etc.  The topper to this was this went on for 2yrs. and the 2 of them sat her daughters down and told them not to let my daughter know and if the oldest daughter had a problem with that she should talk to him. 

Well we had started marriage counseling the week before this came out. He lied of course when he got cought and the next day called me and said he had to tell me the whole truth. Since then he has said he has only spoken to her once. I checked his cell phone calls on the internet and he called her a few times right after  the last being Oct. 5th. She on the other hand has continued to call him. I have asked him why. He said he didn't remember. Then he said he told her there was no more contact. I told him yesterday I need him to tell her no verbal or otherwise cause that leaves an opening but he doesn't see it. I know he's only  telling me what I want to hear. He keeps telling me he came home, he went before the church, he wants to move on and be the best husband and father he can be, and that he only loves me .  BUT!!! There's that doubt in my mind. 

 Hopefully some day in the near future you will re-read this message you wrote. And hopefully you will CRINGE that "I need him to tell her no verbal or otherwise cause that leaves an opening but he doesn't see it. I know he's only telling me what I want to hear."

You are married to a LOSER!!! And you deserve someone you can trust -- which this guy ISN'T.

Hopefully you'll think to yourself "Did I ever care so little for myself?"  because that's exactly what's going on in your message above and in your life.

Dump him. Go forward. And don't look back.
November 10, 2005, 12:34 am CST

What a shame

What a shame it was to see such a handsome, nice man with such low self esteem.  I really agreed with Dr. Phil that Chris needs to get a backbone.  Women do not want a man that will not stick up for themselves.  I believe his lack of a backbone is why his wife was saying that she does not see him as a man, and calls him gay.  Women need a strong man.  People in general lose respect for "doormats". 

I think both of those couples should divorce.  I know myself that I would never stay with my husband if he cheated on me.  I say this because I saw what my mother went through when I was a child.  My stepfather cheated on my mother, whom had five children, when I was nine years old, just six years after they were married.  She stayed with him, but did not trust him throughout their whole marriage.  She constantly wondered what he was up to, if he didn't come home on time. She had many sleepless nights while he was away on business, and constantly wondered every time he was working late, or out to long.   All of that worry did effect us kids because we knew about the infidelity, and we doubted him as well.  My parents stayed married for twenty seven years, they just recently divorced.   

I personally would not want to put myself through that when there are plenty of good wholesome people out in this world that would not do that to me.  Life is to short to be miserable. 

November 10, 2005, 6:19 am CST

Lost and Confused

I've been married for a little over 9 years now. I'm a Military wife and we received orders to move so we sold the house and packed everything up and moved.  So I quit this great job that I loved and were I felt so appreciated so that I could go with my husband.  Well after a week of being at our new station my husband decides to tell me that he doesn't love me anymore and he doesn't know if he wants to stay married.  So here I am just hurt after being with this man for so long in a new place with no job and no friends.  Well a week later he was sleeping on the couch and I just had this feeling that I needed to check his cell phone.  So I go through it and at first I really didn't see anything until I checked the text messages.  I found messages from a girl we both knew at his last station stating that she loved him and couldn't wait to be with him.  So I woke him up and asked him and he admitted that he was in love with her and turned to her when I wouldn't talk to him about our problems.  So not knowing what else to do I call my mom and a few days later she came up and we drove back to her house with our 4 year old daughter.  So for about a month of listening to him tell me that he just wants a divorce so he can be happy, I start trying to move on.  I go back and ask for my old job back, then about a week later my old supervisor calls and offers it back to me so I accept.  I start looking for apartments and try to plan a future for my daughter and myself.  A few days later my husband calls and tells me that he is sorry and Love's me very much and wants me to come home.  It was the hardest decision that I have ever had to make in my life.  But, because I still loved him so much I gave up that job again and came home.  Well the first week was fine, then the next he started treating me the same.  He was distant again.  He left the next weekend to meet some of his friends in Dallas for the race, which I wasn't happy with but I didn't say anything because I didn't want to argue.  One of the friends that he met with was one of the most negative people that I ever met especially when it came to marriage.  He told my husband after I left the first time "forget about her, there are many more women in the world."  So when my husband came back I felt the same negativity from him.  A few days later he tells me that he doesn't think he could make this work because he still cares about this other girl too much to just let go.  From what he tells me is that they have never done anything more than a simple kiss the day that we left to come here.  So here I am alone again after giving up everything again to be with him.  I haven't even told anyone what I've been going through because I'm feel ashamed that I let him do this to me again.   

November 10, 2005, 6:35 am CST

Stay Strong

Quote From: true2form

I have had a really hard time getting over the affair my husband had.  I found out about it 8 months ago and I am no better now than I was then.  I also told myself that if ever any man treated me like this I would just leave, but it is harder than you think... We have 3 children and I don't want  to hurt them.  He has gone to therapy and has tried to make things better and I think he is truly sorry for what he did. It is  extremely hard for me to leave because I feel like our 17 year marriage and our beautiful children are worth a shot at holding this marriage together.  I say this,  but its all so very hard.  I feel just as betrayed today as I did the day I found out.  I am totally devastated that a person who claims to love me could ever want  to cause me this much pain.  I am so angry because I don't understand why??? Why do you jeapordize everything? Why do you forfeit your children? How do you lie and cheat to someone that has taken care of you when you were sick that has birthed your children, how do you go out and hurt them so badly?? I don't understand.  I feel ugly now and I feel like he puts us on the same level as this women, this women has come to my home and has cused me and my kids as if we did something to her.  I have never spoken to this women and I don't care to. We have had to have her arrested. We have had to get a restraining order against her.  I don't understand how he chose to spend OUR time with a person who has no morals and no values and who could harm us.?  Why would he think that she was worth more than his wife and children?? I'm so mixed up and I stay angry and I truly believe I would have done better had I left , but it is extremely hard especially when you are being begged to stay and you want your children to be happy, I feel like they are worth everything I have, funny how he didn't feel that. This woman is dirt on the bottom of my families shoes, how could he have ever put her first.  I don't think I will ever understand.  I do know that it is something that I could never do to person.  It is not in me to purposely and knowingly hurt and betray another person, and I guess thats the part I don't get, what kind of person does this?  He has also destroyed my self esteem, I have seen this women and I do not feel like she is attractive at all, in fact I think she is ugly, so does he think she looks better than me and then that makes me feel worse cause she is ugly and I never thought I was.  This situation is something I would never wish upon another person, it is awful!!!! Forgive the typing errors!!! 

           Hi my name is tracy  I was  Reading your story and i started to get so angry I cant believe this woman had the nerve to show up at your house!!!!   know one can tell you what you should do. Your right its easy for people to say just take the kids and leave. This is your husband you have three beautiful children and a life with him. All i can say is women are different from men. We have more emotion or something i really don't know the answer to why men think between there legs and then crawl back to where there heart takes them . I really think your husband made a big huge mistake but you have to understand something he wasn't looking for love. I bet you any money she approched him and he made a mistake. She wants what you have  She can't have it.. Look you are a  better person than she is.Don't let her make you feel bad or mess with your self esteem. She is the one with no self esteem. know matter what she looks like she is an ugly person. It's gonna take some time. I think you and your husband should take a long week-end  to cancun or somewhere and get to know each other again (no kids )  so stay strong and i hope  everything works out for you your husband and the kids.
November 10, 2005, 6:46 am CST


I hope to read a message from Chris saying he left Danielle.  I felt sick to hear the names she called him.  I would think with the way she has behaved she would avoid name calling for fear of what she may be told about herself.  Even if she did change her ways, what does she bring to that relationship?  Chris deserves someone who will laugh with him, be kind to him and just enjoy his company. 
November 10, 2005, 6:58 am CST

To Stay or Go

Hearing about spouses cheating on each other always breaks my heart.  


If a spouse has an affair and comes clean about it, does all he/she can do make it up to their spouse, there can be healing and forgiveness. That doesn't mean everything goes back to normal. Counseling and change should be part of that process. And it may take a long time to heal, as some of the messages here can attest. the case of someone like Albert or the other gal on the show who was cheating, it's clear that they don't want to change. They may say it but the repeated behavior shows that they don't.  


Albert gets upset because his wife checks up on him but then says if he had the chance for a "freebie" (I'll never think of that word the same again), he would cheat. Well, of course she's going to be tracking him! What wife wouldn't? The thing is, they're not worth tracking at this point. If your spouse freely admits he/she gets a charge out of getting physical attention from other members of the opposite sex, they're going to seek that out.  


In such cases, to stay in the marriage "for the kids" is not the answer. They don't need to see their parent treating the other parent so disrespectfully. I think it's even worse to continue to be married under such circumstances. I'm no advocate for divorce but if one of the parties has checked out, there's nothing left to fix. Without trust, a marriage is dead. 

November 10, 2005, 7:45 am CST

It is also about her!

Dr. Phil, 

You and I both know that all relationships are a mirror of and for the individuals who participate.  Yes, Albert is responsible for the choices he makes with respect to the other women he deals with in his life and responsible for the choices he makes that disrespect and dishonor his wife and family, however, I disagree w/ you when you sit there and tell Camille that this is not about her.  Of course it is about her!  It's about why she feels so inadequate as a woman.  It is about why she allows the closest person in her life to crap all over her and thinks that's the best she can do.  It is about why she will teach her sons that that is the way to treat the women in their lives as they grow into men.  She needs to take responsibility for her wounded soul and know that if she doesn't, even if Albert realizes that he needs to change and does, that her self-esteem and self-loathing will manifest itself in other ways until she herself heals.  She needs to find her "Wild Women"!  

November 10, 2005, 7:58 am CST

My Daughters in trouble

Today when I watch the show it really scared me. My daughter is a freshmen at NC State, and her boyfriend is at ECU. She has found out about 6 different girls he cheated with and he admitted it. This was before college started. She broke up with him at first, but he keeps calling until she caves in. He tells her he will never do it again, but he was just like the guy on the show so full of it. I can't say anything to her without making her upset. She beautiful and Smart ,I'm afraid he will do to her what has been done to the lady today- blinded her. What do I do? How can I help my daughter snap out of this deception.
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