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Topic : 10/11 College Chaos

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Created on : Friday, October 07, 2005, 03:40:09 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1

Sending kids away to college should be a cause for celebration, but for some parents it's a cause for worry and sadness. Dr. Phil and Robin share their journey as they move their younger son, Jordan, away to college. Next, Becky is so obsessed with keeping a close watch on her 18-year-old daughter, Molly, she doesn't let her stay out past 11:00, is constantly calling her, and has even considered packing her bags and going to college with her! Can Dr. Phil help Becky learn ways to cope without a child in the house? Plus, nine female college roommates drink excessively, fight constantly, and their neighbors call the police on them at least twice a month!  Talk about the show here.


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October 11, 2005, 2:26 pm CDT

10/11 college chaos

Quote From: wubba1108

I remember when I left for college. For alittle backstory, my parents tried for YEARS to conceive.  Ultimately, the doctors told my mother it would never be possible for her to have a child of her own.  And then, one day when my mom was already in her 40's, she passed out at work.  She thought she had an ear infection but a blood test confirmed quite the surprise.  She was pregnant...with me.  So, yeah.  I was an only child...a girl...AND the baby they were never suppose to be able to have. 


You can imagine what it was like for my mom (and my dad) when the time came to send me away to college.  If I close my eyes, I can still remember looking out my dorm room window, watching my parents walking towards their car.  My mom was sobbing in a manner I never saw again...until my father died.   


But I'm here to tell all of you parents concerned about your kids leaving the nest that ITS OKAY.  Be prepared.  'Cause your relationship w/ your children is going to change.  But it'll be a GOOD change. 


Four years after graduating, my father died of cancer.  I had moved home the last year of his life to help my mom care for him.  And, I stuck around after his death.  My mom focused, once again, 100% of her attention on me.  A year after his passing I knew I needed to move on...for both my mom's and my sake.  I got a job an hour and a half away.  Once again, mom did NOT handle this well.  In fact, she handled it worse than college. 


And I told her the same thing I'm telling you...its going to be OKAY.   


And, eventually, once everyone adjusted it was.  My relationship w/ her is different now.  She's not there to "do" for me anymore.  But we talk a couple of times a week.  She visits and I get to show her around my new home and my new life...just like when I was in college.  I've found that being away from home has opened the door to a whole slew of new topics for us to discuss.  She sends me newspaper clippings of hometown stuff she thinks I'd be interested in reading.  I send her pictures of our home remodeling projects, or daytrips I've taken.  She keeps me up-to-date on my "old world" and I get to share all kinds of stuff regarding my "new world." 


I won't say that I understand the sadness of letting your child go ('cause I haven't had to do that yet).  But don't think of it as a loss.  Think of it as a new adventure.  Your kids are going to have so many new experiences to share with you.  Funny stories about their roommates.  Interesting tidbits about what they're learning.  All kinds of experiences and adventures. 


When I left for college I couldn't cook, I didn't know how to do laundry, I had never had a checking account before.  I knew nothing.  But now, as an adult, when my mom comes to visit she find's a clean house, an old fashioned meal waiting for her, and a million adventures for me to share with her in my new life.  Heck, we took her sailing...her FIRST TIME in a sailboat, this past summer.  Once she embraced watching her child fly from the nest, it opened up a whole slew of new and exciting happy experiences for her. 


And it will for you, as well. 

I hope you are right! My daughter commutes to Syracuse University where she is an academic scholarship student in Comp Sci. I am immensely proud of her. She decided to stay home to save the money that room and board would cost. She does have a "life" and has a boyfriend, and sees her other friends. We have worked out the boundary issues - which was hard. We have to leave our home next year, and move on, and I am excited for her while sad for myself. She is all I have. I have tried to get active with friends, etc. but they are busy with their husbands and kids, and so it goes. Due to other circumstances, I can't branch out as far as I might like. So, I am praying that what you say is true and that there is hope for me! I hope your mom is happy and well. She sounds like she has an awesome daughter!
October 11, 2005, 2:27 pm CDT

college bound eldest

 My eldest just went off to college this September.  It was a sad parting, especially since I was sick in the hospital.  Fortunately, he has a good head on his shoulders and is a great kid.  Before I got sick, I was able to purchase many of the items that he would need and I was fortunate to have parents and friends and a great husband who helped in this transition.  The saddest part was coming home and seeing his room empty (and clean for the first time in a long time.)  The best part is that he came home this past weekend and will be coming home again soon.  thanks for letting me share...........

October 11, 2005, 2:27 pm CDT

college students in a neighborhood

We live in a college town. Many students live in neighborhood homes, rented or bought for them by their parents. Our city code doesn't allow for more than three unrelated people in the same home, but it is hard to enforce. So, we live next door to girls like the ones on your show today. It is not a joy. I grew up in the 1960's when everyone was "doing their own thing". Age has shown me that it is impossible to "do your own thing" without affecting someone else. So, their noise, beer cans, rats, and hours affect on our lives, too.
October 11, 2005, 2:32 pm CDT

About Rats and the Girl's drinking experience

About Rats: I am a 55 year old retired therapist. At age 40 I wanted to adopt a rodent. I researched information about hamsters, gerbils, mice and rats. Rats won. I adopted Petra as a young domesticated rat.  Dr. Phil, Rats are Great Pets. They are intelligent and very friendly. I had Petra for almost 4 years, when she died of breast cancer. I also share and have shared my life with cats and dogs. The loss of Petra was as distressing as loosing any of my other pets. Rats have great personalities and are extremely clean animals and do not have the typical rodent smell like the other rodents mentioned.  

I kept Petra in a large puppy cage and only let her out when totally supervised, due to owning several cats at the same time. So I totally understand the girls and their rat pet. It's a cute rat.  


I would like to share with the college girls on the show that many of us have enjoyed the freedoms of being on our own at college. They repeated that they wanted to get as much out of these college experiences as they could. I wish Dr. Phil would have stressed that they could have a wonderful experience, with great memories, without all the alcohol use. I'm not saying they should totally abstain, but they are definitely over-doing it. Every day of their life, even after graduation, could be filled with incredible memory producing experiences. We know a lot more about alcohol use and abuse these days than when I was in college. A habit starts by setting up a pattern of use. They certainly don't want to go there. There is such a thing as alcohol poisoning, and they may not realize that even if they did not drink as much as they usually do at one party, that the alcohol from the previous night could still be in their system. A major problem is that you don't know you've over-done it until you've over-done it. Over-doing it with alcohol could be a death sentence. That would certainly impede the ability to create fun and memorable experiences and memories.  Alcohol poisoning HAS resulted in death for many college students wanting to get the full experience of the party.  Several days or a week of drinking can damage organs. Girls, you do not want to create a pattern in your life of not being able to have a good time unless you are mentally altered. In reality that is creating an experience you may wish you could forget. Alcohol and drug addiction is not a pretty picture. You don't want to need alcohol. Using it regularly is creating just that in your life.  


When I was in college, I had a girlfriend buddy, who became a really  good friend and we'd support each other in our resisting intoxicating substances. Everyone around us had partying with alcohol a priority. Align yourself with one or two of your friends with the same goals of breaking the pattern you have already developed. It will work. My buddy and I are still friends since the late 1960s. We went on to create and remember many extraordinary experiences in our lives. Many of our other college friends got lost in addiction and some aren't around to create any experiences at all because of their alcohol and drug use.   


Enjoy ALL of your life. Just please don't create a situation where you can't deal with a sober reality. Reality has a lot going for it. Addiction is a reality that will sneak up on you, and may follow you long after you desire to leave it behind.  

October 11, 2005, 2:37 pm CDT

Ballance is Key

 I hope more people stress the importance of balance when it comes to partying and studying.  I did not study, and while I managed to graduate, my grades were not at the level that most graduate programs require.   This has made things rather difficult, as I had always planned to continue my studies, and now I don't know if I will be able to, as I have no idea how to go about fixing what I should have done correctly in the first place.  Hopefully someone who was partying as hard as I was will see that part of the show and realize that the class and study aspect of college is more important that the socialization and parties. 
October 11, 2005, 2:41 pm CDT

Only Child Left

I am watching the Dr. Phil show about kids leaving for college.  Our son is a high school senior this year and will be going off to college next year.  We have already visited a couple of colleges and pretty sure our son has made a decision where he would like to go.  It's a couple hours away.  Far enough that he will have his own life, but not too far. 


Here is our dilemma.  We agree with all the things Dr. Phil and Robin said and what the other parents said.  But we have a complication.  We were expecting to have his younger sister with us for a couple of years after he left for college.  Tragically, we lost our beautiful daughter suddenly and unexpectedly three weeks before her 11th birthday.  It has been four years. 


So we know the traumatic loss of a child.  We know that children can die even if you watch them and protect them and care for them. 


We also were not ready to be empty nesters.  Our daughter was physically challenged and needed extra care from us.  If anything, it was a relief to our son when she passed away since we had to focus so much on her due to her health problems. 


But she is gone.  And our son is now an only child.  We are excited about him going off and beginning his own life, but my husband and I are hurt as bereaved parents.  We are having trouble just getting on with life since our daughter's death, let alone trying to "rekindle the spark" and become a couple. 


I'm just curious if anyone else has ever been in this position?  Having to deal with a child going off to college and beginning their own life while dealing with traumatic loss of another child. 

October 11, 2005, 2:46 pm CDT

my empty nest

I am new to message boards and have learned a great deal about instant messaging since my nest is empty.  My oldest son left for boot camp in the air force 2 years ago and it was alot harder than college.  He was only allowed to call home very few times and his calls were heart breaking and so were his letters.  Kids can leave college and call home daily and visit on weekends.  Military is different and the whole purpose of boot camp is to break your spirit just to build you up again.  I am proud of him and who he has become.  My daughter entered college this year and now my nest is very empty.  Not to mention the loss of our 17 year old dog this year as well.  When we dropped my daughter off at school she was nervous but excited and she loves college.  She is only 17 so I was worried about her and still am.  She has made a nice adjustment and her grades are getting better hopefully as she adjusts.  I worry about all the drinking that goes on even my daughter who was a pretty straight laced kid is partying.  She says its only on the weekend but I think this is too much.  I really think there is a bigger problem here with all the partying that goes on in college.  I know how it was when I went and with all we know about alcoholism and drugs why it is still going on.  Thanks for the show Dr Phil.
October 11, 2005, 2:48 pm CDT

Right in the thick of things

Dr. Phil- 

I am a Resident Assistant in the freshman housing area for Mercyhurst College, and I am ALWAYS dealing with issues like those you approached with the party girls on your show. Even though I am female, all of my residents are guys and there are 60 of them in my building. I am constantly throwing out visitors past curfew, harassing them about cleaning up, shutting down parties, and breaking up games of beer-pong. Things are especially hard for international students who grow up in a totally different culture and then try to adjust to the "American Way." This type of situation is recurrent on every college campus, and I am disturbed at the lack of control executed by the schools, especially in freshman area housing like the one I am in charge of. 


The roommate and conduct issues that get dumped in my lap are way too much for a student with a title (like me) to handle. The schools need to get a better grip on their students before passing them off to us! Freshman guys don't want to hear some 120 pound girl tell them what to do. How does one person execute control over a whole community when the school doesn't do much in the first place? 

October 11, 2005, 2:48 pm CDT

Both sides of the story

In 1989 I left my daughter outside her dorm room an hour and half away from our home.  I cried the whole drive home.   I know how it feels to give up the control and hope you have given them the skills they need to be good citizens. 

I live in a college town three blocks away from campus.  We have lived  here since 1979 and when we moved here it was a  diverse area with older people, professors, professional people-- with a few students in between.  Through the years this area has become a haven for students to live like the young women that were on your show today.   

I am now a neighbor of several young men who party like those girls do, and I now cry every night because of someone else's college student. 

They urniate and deficate on the lawn, do not mow or clean the yard, they throw cigarette butts over the bushes into my yard, and beer bottles and cups.   People in our neighborhood have property stolen and vandalized.  When the bars close at 1 a.m. they stream by our houses back to the dorms--screaming and yelling.  They have parties with hundreds of people in and out of their houses.  The parties are posted on a website in our community and they sell cups--not beer to help pay for the rent.  I am talking about one quadrant of our town, and I could go on ad nauseam. 

Our community is not the only town that deals with these students after the parents drop them off.  It is nice that Dr. Phil and Robin don't have to be a parent every day now--but maybe someone else is---like the community where they left him. 

My daughter is now a coach with an even larger university and is appalled with how it is when she comes here to visit.  I feel that the colleges, universities, the staff, the faculties, and ultimately the parents have an attitude of denial and have lost control. 

I can only hope anyone sending their child away to college keeps close communication.  I don't want the next passed out young person I have to call the police about to be yours. 

October 11, 2005, 3:06 pm CDT

Umm Hello?

College is a nessecary (sp srry) evil. i'd rather they get this out of there system no then when they really get out into the world. Parents need to let it happen cause they are only going to benefit from it.
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