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Topic : 03/20 Abusive Love

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Created on : Friday, March 13, 2009, 02:59:40 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
They’re young, they’re famous, and now they’re shining a light on a dark subject. From the moment singer Chris Brown allegedly beat his girlfriend Rihanna on the eve of the Grammy Awards, America has been shocked and polarized by the story. How could Chris do that? And how could Rihanna even think about going back to him after what appeared to be such a brutal beating? With the help of best-selling author Bishop T.D. Jakes, Dr. Phil offers up some straight talk about domestic violence. Learn what to look for and how to stop it. First, the relationship between Megan and Kurt has been on-and-off-again for eight years, but the anger and violence has been consistently on. Megan says Kurt has beaten her, choked her, thrown her against walls, and as if that weren’t enough, Megan’s little boy is stuck in the middle, and he plays a big role in whether the couple will stay together. This relationship is at a new breaking point, and though Kurt says he wants to save it, Megan says it may be too late. Find out which direction Dr. Phil thinks they should go. Then, meet a young woman who says she put up with abuse for years and years, until a knife to the throat made her say, "Enough is enough." You won’t want to miss these stories, plus important information that just may save your life! Join the discussion.

Find out what happened on the show.

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March 21, 2009, 4:15 pm CDT

03/20 Abusive Love

Quote From: chynagirl

 I am new to this, but I was and still kind of am in an abusive relationship. I have tried and tried to walk away but he keeps sweet talking me and I go back. I know its wrong but I think I feel sorry for him somehow, and I know there is still a deep enduring love there,  Is it possible for men to change if the proper counseling and medication is involved or is it a lost cause, and I should just walk awyay forever, thanks who ever responds

There's no "kind of being in an abusive relationship". You either are or you aren't.  You know if you are, so tell it like it is and DO something about it.


What you describe is NOT love, my dear. It's co-dependent and unhealthy. Get out now before it's too late and real damage is done. It's not your job to fix him, nor are you qualified to do so.


Men are like streetcars...there'll be another one along in 5 minutes...why jump on the broken, dangerous one when there are so many whole, beautiful ones that you don't have to repair?


If you want to take in a stray, go visit your local animal least there you'll find a loving companion who will give you real unconditional love!

March 21, 2009, 4:21 pm CDT

03/20 Abusive Love

Quote From: alyce34

I was in abusive marriage for 5 years. Two son from that marriage. Remarried to a wonderful loving man. had two more sons. husband adoptive first two. The first two were loved and treated like the last two. never saw any abuse at all. only love. The first two grew up so much like there birth dad. One was and maybe still is abusive to his wife. So what I am saying is some of it is born into them. How can we change the DNA. of these people .

If I understand you correctly, you are saying that your first 2 sons witnessed the abuse that their father heaped upon you for 5 you really think that didn't have any effect on them just because you finally got out and remarried a nice man??


The parent who has the most effect on a child is the same sex parent, and the first 5 years of a child's life are the most formative. How can you be surprised by their abusive behavior?

March 24, 2009, 8:02 pm CDT

What does gender have to do with abuse?

Good morning Dr. Phil,

I have been watching the country's reaction to the Chris Brown/Riahnna story. However, I think I have a different perspective on this than most people because of personal experiences and my job. I'm in law enforcement. When it comes to the law, an abuser is an abuser, no matter what gender he or she is. It seems to me that men are compelled to walk away, turn the other cheek, call the authorities, while the message that goes out to women is they can be abusive towards men because after all, they are the weaker vessel. Well a tugboat knows to move out of the way of a battleship.  Rihannna admitted that she had hit Chris Brown repeatedly with her fists before he hit her back. In addition, apparently, he was driving while all of this occurred. My point is, when we say to a man, what gives you the right to hit a woman, we may also be suggesting that he can beat up as many men that he wants and that women can attack and abuse men, at will, and not have to be held accountable for their actions. I work at a jail. I see this kind of thing everyday. My son dated a woman who hit him in the face with her elbow so hard that it caused deep tissue bruising to his face and tore the inside of his cheek. His inside cheek was deep purple and red and continued to bleed for at least 24 hrs. He bled like a stuck pig. He had a severe headache. I think he may have had a concussion. He slapped her back out of reflex. He didn't go to the hospital, because, undoubtedly, the police would have been called. He didn't want to risk going to jail. What's so ironic is that the next day this girl went to a wedding and apparently had no marks on her to indicate that she had been slapped. So my son must not have hit her that hard. For the next two weeks, I watched my son struggled to put a spoon in his mouth, having been reduced to eating soup and other liquids.  I saw him winch in pain so intense that his eyes filled with tears. I saw him lose weight, because he could not open his mouth wide enough to eat solid foods. My son did not press charges, nor did the girl he was dating, but my point is, you never know what another person's level of tolerance or breaking-point is and a female might just be running up on a guy who will clock her if she hits him. Now in our society, if a man attacks a woman and she hits him back with a brick, it's self-defense. If a man hits a woman back, it's a criminal act and he can be prosecuted. Dr.Phil, even you have said "If you chose the behavior, you chose the consequences", whatever they may be. Here's the thing: I think, instead of concentrating on telling men how morally wrong it is for them to abuse women, we should be telling everyone to keep their hands to themselves. After all that is what the law says.

April 1, 2009, 7:10 am CDT

03/20 Abusive Love

Quote From: micheler

I agree completely.  I love my husband and I know he loves me (though he thinks he "loves"), but he simply doesn't know how to love effectively for him or our family.  It's the saddest thing ever to know that he loves with everything in him, but it just doesn't work.  I've stayed with him for 9 years mainly because he's a good man at the core,  but his anger has adversely affected his happiness for a lifetime and everyone else he's been involved with.  He WON'T admit he's abusive!!!  Therefore, I think 9 years of trying is enough.  If he won't admit it then I can't expect anything to change.  He's left bruises from choking or grabbing or even kicking, but never "HIT" with fist.  Also, it doesn't happen weekly or monthly to this degree.  What happens regularly is his defensiveness, cursing, namecalling, and yelling.  I just wish the show would mention more about the "occasional" physical abuse.  Just because it doesn't happen every day or every week doesn't mean there isn't a problem.

I feel like I was reading about myself.  I feel exactly the same way about my husband. We have been married almost three years but the stress of it all is hurting my kids.  My oldest daughter has also been abused by him (emotionally) and developed a problem with low blood pressure that caused her to have seizures.  It took us a very long time to figure out why she was having these unexplained seizures but we have figured it out and it is partly due to stress.  Since he has been out of the house with medication and no stress by him she is improving all the time.  My daughter is in the top 10% of her class and is going to college in the fall and he has moved out of the house.  My daughter tells me all the time that she could not wait to get out of the house because of him.  This makes me sad because she is a good girl and never been a problem. 


i wish that people would talk more about the emotional and mental part of this abuse it is very hard to understand and move on.  My heart and my head are in constant battles. 


i was re-reading your quote and boy does that sound exactly like my situation.


Thank you

April 5, 2009, 11:01 pm CDT

Not always that typical abuse cycle

I was in an abusive relationship, but my ex did not isolate me, I did not believe any of his verbal abuse, and we did not have that same typical cycle that is often described in the battered wife syndrome. The problem was he was bipolar. The bigger problem was he could not hold a job, and the mental health system is so messed up that there was nowhere to put him.

Toward the end I was having to take my children to different houses to stay almost every night. I didn't know how to leave him--not because I did not have the strength, but because I was not sure how to explain to his children why their dad was homeless. I finally tricked his mom into taking him in (she refused for a long time at first), and I escaped.

It took me a while to heal emotionally from the wear and tear, and now I wonder how I lasted as long as I did in that tornado, I am still not sure how I could have done it differently, but I feel like I should have.
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