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Topic : 11/07 Child Abandonment

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Created on : Friday, October 31, 2008, 04:17:56 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Abandoning a child is largely considered the worst thing a parent could do … or is it? As an alternative to leaving unwanted babies to starve in dumpsters and alleys, many states have enacted a safe haven law, which provides the option of leaving the child in a safe place, such as a hospital or fire station, with no questions asked. Nebraska was the last state to enact the law; and did so without an age restriction. As a result, there has been a recent spate of parents dropping off grown teenagers to the care of the state! Should an age limit be set? When Courtney, 34, became overwhelmed with caring for her 15-year-old daughter, she says she used the loophole in the law to get her daughter the care she needed. Was this an act of abandonment, or a mother’s last resort?  Next, abandoned at an airport at just 10 days old, Elizabeth was given the nickname “Delta Dawn” by the pilots who found her, and Michael, left in a trash can by his birth mother, was saved by a night watchman. Learn how their lives played out and hear the lasting repercussions of their abandonment. Then, meet Elizabeth, a 20-year-old mother of two who says she is considering giving up her daughters. Would her decision be in the best interest of the children? And, when Maria, at age 16, unexpectedly gave birth on her bathroom floor, she says she stabbed the baby with a pair of scissors. Find out what drove her to such drastic measures. Join the discussion.

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November 1, 2008, 8:11 am CDT

11/07 Child Abandonment

It is ridiculous to abandon your child or children...........There is no excuse for it. I strived with my daughter but worked two jobs to take care of her..........I never used others, or never had family at all to take care of my daughter. BUT she is a teenager now and I have done very well. She is an honor roll student and is very respectful as I have taught her, no use being vein and mean in life, it gets a person no where.  Yet, I hear these stories and I wonder why these mothers or parents cannot maintain their children. There are resources that we have out there that can help instead of leaving our children in an alley way or some building left there alone. I couldn't do that to my daughter. It would haunt me til I died. I guess some people feel they have no other resources, but THEY DO!  It is sad how our economy, etc has made it that parents can't raise their kids properly. SAD!
November 1, 2008, 11:57 am CDT

child abandonment

 I feel that if a mother can no longer take care of the child or children she should let them go to some agency that can take care of them The agencies are not all bad. My mother was an alcoholic and very sickly. I was put in an orphange at the age of 10 when my mother got sick and stayed there for 5 years. Then went to a Foster Home that I lived in until I got married at the age of 25. I was very happy at the orphange and Foster Home. I do know that all Homes and Foster Homes are not great. My mother died when I was 11 and I thank her today for putting me in the home. I was taught a lot of good values and how to live on my own. As I tell my husband of 40 years I was a woman libber long before it was in style. I think every person should stand on there own. Not every person is made to raise children.
November 1, 2008, 12:30 pm CDT

11/07 Child Abandonment

Although I know it's hard for some parents, including myself, to imagine leaving a child somewhere there were times as a child I wish my mother had given me away.  I may have had a better chance in life with more opportunities or have been able to make better choices sooner.


At 3.5 yrs old I was molested by a man my mother knew had been released from a hospital after raping another child.  She married him knowing what he was capable of doing.  I almost died.  Repeatedly my uncle and others would rescue me from cars while my mother was getting toasted in a bar.  Then she moved so far away no one could find me or help me.


The more she drank and took drugs the more she abused me.  I was locked in closets when parties were raided.  I was beaten.  Called all kinds of unbelievable names.  And all through my life she would tell me it was my fault my step-father raped me.  Over and over she would tell me that I was trying to steal her husband.  Yes, at age 3.5 years old.  My life was full of pain.  At 13 she picked out a boyfriend for me that was a man she used to date herself.  And when he wanted to marry me to rescue me from her home she made me pay her to sign the papers to let me get married.  She needed to pay her bar tab.


I reported the abuse just once in school and they gave my mother a 3 day warning they were coming to the house.  She was the perfect mother in front of them.  You see as a child my mother taught me lies about my life also so that if I ever told anyone the truth, half of what I told them would be lies.  So I would look like the one that was wrong.  She had told me that I had a brother who died in a fire.  That never happened.  So when I told them about him, since he didn't exist, she told them I made things up.  They believed her and not me and I was beaten badly after they left the house.


It took me a lot of years to become who I am today, now 45 years old and a much better person.  But I lived on the streets at age 15, because I only married at 14 to get away from her.  I worked hard to find my real father and went back to school at 16 and spent the rest of my life working to be a better person. 


In my 20's I called my mother one day and told her if she never talked about the past, neither would I.  I still lover her.  I just believe she was sick.  I forgave her because I think it's what was best for me.  Anger only hurts the person who is angry.  Holding grudges have the same result.  I wasn't hurting her - she was at bars getting drunk to forget her pain.  By letting go of mine, it released the pain so I could move on with my life.


I have 2 wonderful children who's lives were much better.  No abuse.  We were very poor as I started young as a mother at age 19, but my children always had what they needed and most of all they were loved.  Not spoiled, but loved dearly.  For me they were a gift because I was never supposed to be able to have children because of what happened to me when I was very little.


It was always my dream to be rich so I could adopt a lot of children.  I envied families I saw on shows who had adopted many children.  I lived in a trailer in my younger years so wouldn't have had the room.  Today I have a nice home, a wonderful husband, but still don't have the money to afford to adopt.  It's a shame that adoption costs as much as it does, because I could afford to care for a child properly, I just can't afford the expenses for the adoption itself. 


My husband and I hear all the time on the news of people leaving their children somewhere.  Often we wonder during these hard times we are in economically in the world how the states will be able to afford to care for these children.  We both wish we could adopt.  My children are now grown and we have a lot of room and a nice home to raise children.  We are looking into foster care, but I'm not sure I could deal with children coming in and having to let them go.  That's something I'm searching my heart and praying about now.


Children need loving homes.  I think we would see less child abuse and death if there were more open ways for girls to give up their children when they feel they can't do it themselves.  And I think we need more education about parenting. 


A friend of mine took in her cousin's children for 2 years - I helped her every day as it was a lot of care with her own children.  Her cousin would come to the house and we taught her how to cook and care for the two little ones.  I still remember the night her father had called my friend for help.  She had abandoned her children and ran away.  The baby laid in a crib full of vomit.  The kids clothes were all dirty.  They were both in dirty diapers.  No food - no nothing for them.  I helped pick up all their things and put them into garbage bags to get them to her house.  We cleaned them up and the next day went out and bought them all new things from thrift shops and consignment stores to get them more established.  Once we found their mother we got her the help she needed and although it took 2 years of her coming twice a week to learn how to care for a home and children, she later became a wonderful mother.  It was a heart breaking experience for us all when we let them go and a little scary too.  But we are greatful we had the opportunity to help.


I learned in life, "Everything for a reason", so I accept what happened to me as a child, because maybe through my pain I have been able to help someone else - maybe even a few someone's.  But children shouldn't have to feel such pain.  They are precious gifts. 


So honestly, if your out there pregnant or with children and feel you can't care for them, seek out help.  It's out there.  But don't hurt the children.  There are many who would love to have a child.  Although I have 2 children, I also lost 2 in miscarriages.  And I would give most anything to have more children that I could give for more.  It doesn't make you a bad person to let them go.  But killing and beating children won't make you any better for keeping them.  Do the right thing.  There are places to help you learn to care for them if that's what you need.  And so many ways to give them up if that's what you need too.

November 1, 2008, 12:49 pm CDT

My Sister

My sister is 18 yrs younger than me She is Going to be 20 this Month and I am 39 In Jan . I got Pregnant after trying for what seemed like forever and we finally did get pregnant 5/06 and Had our Beautiful son 1/07 on my Birthday !!  My Sister ends up Getting Pregnant same time as me and Runs away at 17 with her 17 yr old BF and it was A Nightmare . I tried so Hard to get her to do the right things in life, school and she is very Smart always wanted to be a Teacher Well drops out of school and We track her Down and Find her 5 Months Pregnant and wants to have the baby with her not my  1st Choice of a BF for her . She Is soon to have her son and calls me asking if she should give him away or Not sure she wants to be a mother . Just so confused ! Her BF decides They have to keep him and there Relationship from the start has been hostile .Well the Police get called and SS takes her son after the 2nd time they were called . My Parents and I get him back and she moves back Home . Never seemed to have a Bond with him which has been hard for  me since I love my son so much and Do not understand Why and How she can be so Distant to him . My Mom has been raising him since he was 6 mo old my sister would and has been more like a Sister if that than a Mom . She ended up in July going to work and never Coming home again Ran away . It has been 6 mo and she Finally came back wanting to try to be a Mom . I pray she does But I do feel these moms do Not have a Bond with there child never truly wanted them in 1st Place . I love my son so much and could not Imagine Not being there for him or ever leaving him . My sister did leave him with Family but she ran away as fast as she could go from him . I have helping my Parents when i can Buying him clothing and taking him when I can . He is a sweet Heart and it not his fault he was brought into this world by 2 Parents that are so unsure of him  . We love him and he will always have a Home if his Mom does this again . I pray she does not !! As a Mom myself I guess I do not understand How Women can do it .
November 1, 2008, 1:06 pm CDT

Say N O to sex now.

Say  N O to sex  before male responsible for baby says   N O to both of you... [abandone you]


Say   N O to sex now. Raising a baby alone is tough  tough tough...


Say   N O to sex now  so baby/child/adult does not abandone you because times were so harsh...


Mother has been  abandoned...

November 1, 2008, 1:13 pm CDT

On the other side

I'm from the other side of the tracks......the one who could never have a child of my own. Back then we couldn't afford to adopt, nor could we afford fertility clinics or any other option. Now, we could afford it but we're too old to do either. No one would accept us as adoptive parents and our (my) health isn't good enough anyway. But I'd like to say that all those babies and small children who've been killed by uncaring, or scared, or ashamed parents  could have been the answer to prayer to so many couples like us. Let's be honest here....some people are just not cut out to be parents. Frankly, I've seen many who do have kids and it's obvious they shouldn't. Sadly, there are even some in my own family. But give them up......oh no........what would people say? Giving up your baby is such an issue that people are ashamed to do they don't. But they don't raise them either, the kids raise themselves. Our world is getting worse by the day by "unraised" kids who are now grown and following in their parents footsteps and having children they are not really raising. The adults aren't happy and neither are the kids. I very much support a way for people to give away those innocent babies they don't want. But on the other hand, yes, there should be an age limit. This should not be a way for a parent to "dump-off" an unruly teenager.

Unfortunately there is not an easy answer to this whole problem. Every parent should have parenting classes before giving birth, but those classes need to continue through the childs life because you don't stop parenting when the child is 2, nor do you suddenly know how to handle the rest of his/her growth.  Adoption should also be an easier process so more people who truly want to have children can have them. Yes, I know.......not all adoptions are perfect either. It's a sad, sad world.
November 1, 2008, 1:37 pm CDT

response to Saslyte

Saslyte....You said, "My husband and I hear all the time on the news of people leaving theirchildren somewhere.  Often we wonder during these hard times we are ineconomically in the world how the states will be able to afford to carefor these children.  We both wish we could adopt.  My children are nowgrown and we have a lot of room and a nice home to raise children.  Weare looking into foster care, but I'm not sure I could deal withchildren coming in and having to let them go.  That's something I'msearching my heart and praying about now."

Let me just tell you that we fostered for 5 years and had over 21 children in that time ranging in age from 18 months to 17 years. Letting them go, especially some, broke our hearts to the very core, but we survived. Now, when we look back we have wonderful memories. It's a difficult thing to do, and you also have to be aware that some troubled child could possibly accuse you or your husband of any one of a number of things that could destroy you. We came close to that and it's the reason we stopped fostering, but on the other's a wonderful, precious and rewarding thing to do. Give it lots of thought and prayer and speak to your county agency. Ask every question you can think of. If you decide to do it just remember the first 3 days are always the worst, both when they come and when they leave, so no matter how bad it gets, just get through those first 3 days before making rash decisions.

Oh yes, by the way, I stand in awe of you for the work you put into becoming who you are. I know people who suffered NOTHING compared to you and they let it destroy their lives as well as those around them. I solute you!
November 1, 2008, 2:03 pm CDT

Walk a mile in someone elses shoes

I believe that a parent should be able to drop the child off in a safe place.  I think it would be in the best interest of the child.  Not all people are capable of taking care of children.  Why did they have them?  Who knows but with all the dysfunctional people in this world, give the child a chance.  Let them go somewhere where they can be loved and taken care of.


I'm not sure about dropping off a teenager.  I thought about that myself when things got bad but I was capable of handling it.  Thank God because I love them very much.


Can we ask the question...  The state has laws protecting the child and putting the parent in a precarious position when a child is acting up.  They are told they can call the police and the parent will be prosecuted.  When a child tells a parent this and the parent is scared to do anything, whats a parent to do.


I'm really glad that some people have super kids.  Ones that don't get in trouble or try their parents.  BUT, when you are a good parent and have a child or two who act up, what avenues do you have?  Well, we can get them therapy but what if you can't afford it?


All I can say is...  Thank God I am not in that position anymore.  I wish people all the luck in the world and hope they get their children to adulthood safely.


Don't judge until you've walked a mile in THAT parents footsteps.

November 1, 2008, 2:15 pm CDT

DoctorPhil Show.

Abando Child Doctor Ment Phil. Well Well Well here we go again another round of this show. See you on--

Friday November 07th, 2008. Sincerley Your. Russell Vaanderen.--------------------------------------------------------

November 1, 2008, 5:57 pm CDT

Adopting an Abandoned Child

I cannot tell you the pain I have suffered by adopting an abandoned child.  Our son was found naked in the street with his birth mother passed out from alcohol abuse.  He was 6 months old.  His mother never came forward to take him back after the state took him away and he came to us at 26 months. 

First I never bonded with him.  Second, he began lying from the day he could speak.  He lied about everything and still does.  Third, he was completely unmotivated to do anything (i'm not kidding) - Dr. Phil, there was and is no carrot for this kid, nothing we did worked and fourth, he became a sex addict  and went into state custody for exposing himself to a 3 year old at 17 years of age. 


I became an abusive, nasty person - a side of me that I didn't know existed.  I have cried for years over the guilt and still do.  At the age of 19, he is not welcome in our home because we do not trust him.  I never experienced the "sport" things, the school dances, the prom, high school graduation and have never received a simple card, a gift or a simple spoken word for any holidays or my birthday (neither has my husband).  He doesn't know when my birthday is, nor do I think he cares.  He only takes from us and pretends to care when he thinks it suits his needs.


An abandoned child who was offered all the best things, a nice neighborhood, a college education (his money went to legal bills), nice parents (once upon a time).  We could even afford counseling which was useless because he lied to the counselors. 


I think he might have been better off with his alcoholic mother because he pissed away the opportunities we tried to give him. 


I feel sorry for abandoned kids and I don't know what the answers are, but I do know my experience is one that has hurt me deeply.  I would caution anyone who is adopting a child of an alcoholic to take good stock of who they are before they think they can fix the problem.  When we got our son they didn't know much about Fetal Alcohol Syndrome and we weren't told all the truth.   Knowing me, I would have said no - it takes a special person to raise someone that will never care about you or be able to show love or honesty. 

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