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Topic : 04/07 Broken Trust

Number of Replies: 132
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Created on : Thursday, October 23, 2008, 01:01:37 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 10/27/08) A recent Reader’s Digest poll ranked trust as the number one crucial quality for a happy marriage. But what happens when trust between spouses is broken? Deanne and Brian have been married for 12 years and have four children between them. Now, due to alleged lies and infidelity, divorce is just a signature away. Deanne says that Brian has had multiple affairs, inappropriately touched his stepdaughter’s friend, sent messages to other women and seldom wears his wedding ring. Brian says that’s all in the past. He blames Deanne’s long work hours and his previous alcohol abuse for his straying, and says that if those two things remain under control, he thinks their marriage can work. Deanne’s daughters, meanwhile, have conflicting opinions. Find out whose side they’re on. Will this family remain divided? And, can and should this marriage survive? Speak out!

Find out what happened on the show.

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October 28, 2008, 8:34 am CDT

Is This Cheating?

Is meeting an ex at a very nice restaurant to " catch up " cheating? To add to this an elaborate lie of where meeting took place ( different than actual place) met for only 45 min.( actually about 3 hours) supposedly worked after the so called brief meeting , lied about place where workmates ate lunch at supposed work site that was never attended, even to the extent of a lie about having to put change in the parking meters every 15 min while at work. When discovered spoke to ex (a person of integrity) and was told that meeting was supposed to be with my approval (which it wasn't) and that truly was "catching up "(been friends for years) and just wants to extract self from the whole situation. The ex's feelings were not respected ( only agreeing to meet if ok with me)as well as mine.  Am told that because of my insecurites(married twice ended in infidelity both times and have made it clear how hard it is for me to trust) was forced to lie because I would have flipped out. I did know about the meeting at an insignificant place for only 45 min and had come to terms with it but the extravagant lie that followed was discovered 2 days later. Feels that because there was no sex that is is nothing and yet even as the ex and I discussed it is not about sex it is about intimacy . Is this cheating? Thanks in advance for any viewpoints or insight. The ex says this behavior is not something that was experienced in their relationship. Is this an aberation ?
 
October 28, 2008, 9:19 am CDT

don't hate it's sad :-(

Quote From: kittty56

 Not bitter at all , just have been there and my radar is alot more acute right now at 52 than when younger.
...OK, I can tell again, that you are young...
      
How could you tell I was young? Since we have never communicated how was it again? You made a definite statement based on faulty judgment. You grasped the first reason you could think of to dismiss my comment that being, I am young. Young at heart for sure, open, forgiving, and willing to believe in people, yes!  You are ten years older then I am; we are hardly young.

...Once a cheater, always a cheater. They're men and that's all they have on their minds...

Your unforgiving attitude, and your statement about men is bitter. There wasn't a centimetre of wiggle room, or forgiveness in it. I would class your statement as vitriolic, and it is pretty obvious you have issues with men. Those two sentences are hardly likely to endear you to the xy set. To have a great relationship with men you have to like them. You have lumped them into the same cesspool. I love the men in my life and I would never demean them like that. Unfair, prejudiced, and dogmatic!

...Good luck on rebuilding your trust...

I have never had to rebuild trust.  It’s never been an issue. If I am unhappy, I change my life. I never blame a whole group for the actions of one. Misandry, misogyny, homophobia, and racism  are all stupid, narrow minded, and evil. Don’t let them eat you up. Trust and bitterness are mutually exclusive entities.
As an aside, there is no such word as alot.
 
October 28, 2008, 10:17 am CDT

10/27 Broken Trust

Quote From: efffy_

I have rarely seen a person that is more consistently fair then Dr. Phil. I have never witnessed what you are protesting. Are you aware that writing in all caps is considered very rude shouting in netiquette?
If you've never witnessed it, maybe haven't watched very many shows. I've been a regular watched since the middle of Season One, and I've noticed Dr Phil's bias many times. Especially when his guests are on for just part of a show. But, when he does a series, such as Dr Phil Family, Dr Phil House, Boot Camps, or Get Real Retreats, he's much more even-handed. That's why I like his "series" type shows best.
 
October 28, 2008, 10:26 am CDT

10/27 Broken Trust

Quote From: anxious52

Is meeting an ex at a very nice restaurant to " catch up " cheating? To add to this an elaborate lie of where meeting took place ( different than actual place) met for only 45 min.( actually about 3 hours) supposedly worked after the so called brief meeting , lied about place where workmates ate lunch at supposed work site that was never attended, even to the extent of a lie about having to put change in the parking meters every 15 min while at work. When discovered spoke to ex (a person of integrity) and was told that meeting was supposed to be with my approval (which it wasn't) and that truly was "catching up "(been friends for years) and just wants to extract self from the whole situation. The ex's feelings were not respected ( only agreeing to meet if ok with me)as well as mine.  Am told that because of my insecurites(married twice ended in infidelity both times and have made it clear how hard it is for me to trust) was forced to lie because I would have flipped out. I did know about the meeting at an insignificant place for only 45 min and had come to terms with it but the extravagant lie that followed was discovered 2 days later. Feels that because there was no sex that is is nothing and yet even as the ex and I discussed it is not about sex it is about intimacy . Is this cheating? Thanks in advance for any viewpoints or insight. The ex says this behavior is not something that was experienced in their relationship. Is this an aberation ?

I'd call it pre-cheating. His having lied suggests that he could start cheating with you, with his ex, or some other woman, in the future. And, how do you know there was no sex? Because he said so? This man ought to understand, and respect, your trust issues well enough to be honest with you. If he doesn't, I'd suggest that you move on.

 
October 28, 2008, 10:30 am CDT

broken trust

Quote From: darlenedawn

I can't trust my husband and his word or what he tells me bc he has lied and BS'd me so much--he hasn't had an affair but he does "flirt" with women while at work--which he says he doesn't.  He tells me it is for business, blah blah blah.  He is in denial of truth and when I say the truth he blows up on me.  The non-trust has grown and his lies and bs have grown. He is very selfish and manipulative.   To say the least I am fed up and contemplating leaving.  I have 5 children from 2 previous marriages and we have only been married for 6 months.   All of it affects me and has affected my children.  HIs daughter is not in the picture bc she is too good for us and hates us.  One big mess to say the least.

His life revolves around work and football/TV--or just the things he is interested in.  He could care less about anything else, especially me.  HIs "manhood" is a major issue with him too--more than I have ever heard any other men talk about.  If you don't like and aren't into all the things he is into then you aren't a MAN---football mainly!!
I watched this show and it seems to me niether of theses people need to be married to each other.She is just as much to blame as he is. go figure, I don't agree that he should be the "one" to get the worst of the blame because if she wanted a marriage, she should have made just as many "adjustments"as he was asked to do. Didn't happen tho , did it?
 
October 28, 2008, 10:42 am CDT

10/27 Broken Trust

Quote From: jamibean

i REALLY HATE THESE KIND OF SHOWS BECAUSE DR PHIL GETS OFF THROWING THE MEN UNDER THE BUS.

 

THE WIVES CAN HARDLY DO ANYTHING WRONG.

 

THE FAMILY IS 'SHAKEN BY THE HUSBAND'S AFFAIR', HOW ABOUT THE WIFE BEING A WORKAHOLIC AND NOT A 'PART OF THE FAMILY'

 

DR PHIL NEEDS A REALITY CHECK, ROCKY MARRIAGES TAKES 2 TO MAKE THEM ROCK

I've noticed this on many shows. Don't know if this has anything to do with it, but most of his production staff are women. And, maybe his wife is "easier" to love with if he 'goes easy" on the wives. I liked the way he handled Deanne, though. Brought up the fact that Brian cheated on her during their engagement, but she married him, anyway. Was spending her birthdays with another man. And, was neglecting Brian and her three kids with her workaholism. Maybe that's what broke up her first marriage, BTW.
 
October 28, 2008, 11:25 am CDT

10/27 Broken Trust

Quote From: ramair

If you've never witnessed it, maybe haven't watched very many shows. I've been a regular watched since the middle of Season One, and I've noticed Dr Phil's bias many times. Especially when his guests are on for just part of a show. But, when he does a series, such as Dr Phil Family, Dr Phil House, Boot Camps, or Get Real Retreats, he's much more even-handed. That's why I like his "series" type shows best.
I've watched Dr.Phil since he was on Oprah. He treats stupid as a gender neutral disease.
 
October 28, 2008, 11:31 am CDT

Marriage is not a used tissue...

Quote From: anxious52

Is meeting an ex at a very nice restaurant to " catch up " cheating? To add to this an elaborate lie of where meeting took place ( different than actual place) met for only 45 min.( actually about 3 hours) supposedly worked after the so called brief meeting , lied about place where workmates ate lunch at supposed work site that was never attended, even to the extent of a lie about having to put change in the parking meters every 15 min while at work. When discovered spoke to ex (a person of integrity) and was told that meeting was supposed to be with my approval (which it wasn't) and that truly was "catching up "(been friends for years) and just wants to extract self from the whole situation. The ex's feelings were not respected ( only agreeing to meet if ok with me)as well as mine.  Am told that because of my insecurites(married twice ended in infidelity both times and have made it clear how hard it is for me to trust) was forced to lie because I would have flipped out. I did know about the meeting at an insignificant place for only 45 min and had come to terms with it but the extravagant lie that followed was discovered 2 days later. Feels that because there was no sex that is is nothing and yet even as the ex and I discussed it is not about sex it is about intimacy . Is this cheating? Thanks in advance for any viewpoints or insight. The ex says this behavior is not something that was experienced in their relationship. Is this an aberation ?
If my husband went behind my back to do anything I would be angry, but he never would. We have a good line of communication. I don’t care who he has dinner with, and he doesn’t require my permission. I have no worries because no one can take my place. I am inferring from your post that you are ready to pounce on anything and have a fit. That infests the air, and makes it difficult for anyone to be honest, and eventually they stop caring. The fact your spouse doesn’t want to deal with your anger and baggage means there is already a big problem. You need to stop living in the past, and you had no right to drag someone into it. Go and get help for yourself before it’s too late. People in general do not like being accused, living under suspicion, or being treated like a former spouse. Your spouse shouldn’t have lied, but they shouldn’t have felt the need to either. Being suspicious, clingy, and insecure is negative energy, and it sucks the life force from everything in the vicinity. Having dinner and reminiscing is not cheating. Be honest and ask yourself why your spouse didn’t say, “X is in town, do you want to come to dinner and met them?” The common denominator in your three troubled marriages is you. Find out why before you have four, five and six. Good Luck.
 
October 28, 2008, 12:26 pm CDT

Thanks for the insight

Quote From: efffy_

If my husband went behind my back to do anything I would be angry, but he never would. We have a good line of communication. I dont care who he has dinner with, and he doesnt require my permission. I have no worries because no one can take my place. I am inferring from your post that you are ready to pounce on anything and have a fit. That infests the air, and makes it difficult for anyone to be honest, and eventually they stop caring. The fact your spouse doesnt want to deal with your anger and baggage means there is already a big problem. You need to stop living in the past, and you had no right to drag someone into it. Go and get help for yourself before its too late. People in general do not like being accused, living under suspicion, or being treated like a former spouse. Your spouse shouldnt have lied, but they shouldnt have felt the need to either. Being suspicious, clingy, and insecure is negative energy, and it sucks the life force from everything in the vicinity. Having dinner and reminiscing is not cheating. Be honest and ask yourself why your spouse didnt say, X is in town, do you want to come to dinner and met them? The common denominator in your three troubled marriages is you. Find out why before you have four, five and six. Good Luck.
I appreciate your insight and you make some very good points but are you saying that you would be ok if your husband had a very expensive meal with and ex even after complaining about how money is getting tight etc.? I had come to terms with the supposedly short visit but the elaborate lies ??? I know I have to address my insecurities but his solution to my reservations was lieing. We are going to get counseling but he did have a choice to tell me the truth or to handle things differently. I am happy for you that you seem to be well adjusted. Perhaps your life experiences have been different than mine.
 
October 28, 2008, 1:05 pm CDT

Playing Games

Deanne and Brian are an example of the games people play in relationships.  This was a good show in that it gave both sides and the way I saw, neither one is to blame, but rather both equally.  I wanted to rip Brian a new one until I heard Deanne's story.  Geeze, she's an absent parent playing the field already in her "pretend dates"...did anybody buy that?   There's only one future for these two...divorce...and the sooner the better both them and the kids.
 
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