Message Boards

Topic : 04/07 Broken Trust

Number of Replies: 132
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Thursday, October 23, 2008, 01:01:37 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 10/27/08) A recent Reader’s Digest poll ranked trust as the number one crucial quality for a happy marriage. But what happens when trust between spouses is broken? Deanne and Brian have been married for 12 years and have four children between them. Now, due to alleged lies and infidelity, divorce is just a signature away. Deanne says that Brian has had multiple affairs, inappropriately touched his stepdaughter’s friend, sent messages to other women and seldom wears his wedding ring. Brian says that’s all in the past. He blames Deanne’s long work hours and his previous alcohol abuse for his straying, and says that if those two things remain under control, he thinks their marriage can work. Deanne’s daughters, meanwhile, have conflicting opinions. Find out whose side they’re on. Will this family remain divided? And, can and should this marriage survive? Speak out!

Find out what happened on the show.

As of January, 2009, this message board will become "Read Only" and will be closed to further posting. Please join the NEW Dr. Phil Community to continue your discussions, personalize your message board experience, start a blog and meet new friends.

October 27, 2008, 8:00 pm CDT

Kindness, forgiveness, and love... try it, you'll like it.

Love is unconditional or it's not love.  If you understand that then trust can be repaired. If you are hard of heart and incapable of truly loving someone then trust is immaterial. I have been reading a lot of angry, hostile, and obdurate comments on this board. If you are so inflexible and weak that you cannot forgive then you don't deserve anyone in your life. People are not perfect.  They make mistakes. Would you want to be forgiven and given another chance to prove yourself? I know I would. Would you want to be defined forever for a single event in your life that you regret with your whole heart? Once a cheater always a cheater! Once a bitter, implacable, heartless harpy always a bitter, implacable, heartless harpy. It will be hard going for quite awhile. There will be tears, fears, and drama, but isn't it worth it? If you think not then it has never been worth anything, and you have bigger problems. (This all supposes that the love is reciprocal, and it's not an ongoing problem).
 
October 27, 2008, 8:06 pm CDT

10/27 Broken Trust

Quote From: batlover

My husband and I were both "players" when we hooked up. He much more so than me.

He "played" after  we married, I have not.  I will never forgive or forget.. but at my age (60) I can wait a while... things have a way of working out in the long run.  Guilt free is a wonderful and powerful place to be. I spend time with my kids and grandkids, work out, travel, shop, read, hang out with friends, and basically do what ever I please. 

He on the other hand...jumps when the phone rings, looks out windows, hides his phone, runs for the mail, lies pathologically, drinks too much and takes 12 medications daily to stay alive. 40 years of  trying to juggle worlds has taken a huge toll. He would never admit it but he has become the old stud horse that can't even find its way back to the barn. Tee-hee  Oh ya... he has to be nice to me..not just out of guilt but because he just might need a strong, capable and familiar care giver.  But, pay backs a bitch and I am guilt free.

My situation is different but still related. If I were younger, it would be about the children. Now, its all about me!!

Northwoods Diva

You are really scary... and kind of sad. Why did you put up with all this? Didn't it occur to you that you could have spent your life with someone that loved you? Your husband may have found someone that he loved. Two lives are ruined. I feel so sorry for you both.
 
October 27, 2008, 8:21 pm CDT

People Do Evolve

Quote From: kittty56

OK, I can tell again, that you are young. Once a cheater, always a cheater. They're men and that's all they have on their minds. Good luck on rebuilding your trust.

I couldn't disagree with you more, and I say that because I'm living proof.  When I got married back in 1974, I was 19, immature and selfish.  I had no real idea what marriage and commitment was really all about.  I was unfaithful pretty much the entire time during my 17 year marriage.  My conduct during that marriage was shameful and dishonorable.  After the separation and divorce, something happened:  I grew up and matured.  I looked back on the pain my wife endured when she learned of my unfaithfulness.  No one deserves that.  I waited 11 years before I got married again.  Being unfaithful was never an option.  I would never want to be responsible for ever putting anyone through that kind of pain again, especially someone I love.   There is no roving eye.  No lusting for other women.   I'm totally in love with and am committed to my wife.  To this day, and until the day I die, I'll harbor personal guilt for my despicable actions. 

 

So to suggest that a person can't change is to suggest it's impossible for any person to learn, grow, and mature as they go through life.  What a sad and chaotic place this world would be if that were indeed the case.  The majority of people are learning and growing from their mistakes all the time.  Unfortunately, there are some that don't.   

 
October 27, 2008, 8:31 pm CDT

Not Passing the Sniff Test

It wouldn't matter if my wife's male friend was gay or gelded, there would be absolutely no way I'd stand for my wife heading off any where, especially to the town that crows, "what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas," on her birthday or any day of the year.  The husband should have put his foot down when this "tradition" first visited their relationship.  He should have started a new birthday tradition, like taking his wife to a nice hotel or house in the mountains for the weekend.  It would have been interesting if Phil had offered them both polygraphs, especially that wife.  I suspect there are some soiled sheets buried in her closet.
 
October 27, 2008, 9:01 pm CDT

10/27 Broken Trust

Doctor Phil:

 

          Just a comment.  I watch your show all the time and just wondering

 

why "the shoe on the other foot" isn't brought up more.  If people

 

would consider the repercussions of their actions if they were in the

 

same position, the world would be a better place.  Regardless of Brian's

 

actions, how would she feel if he entertained going to Reno with another

 

"woman friend" on his birthday? 

 

               

 
October 27, 2008, 11:28 pm CDT

No trust here

I met a woman who in the process of divorce.  We had fun together and enjoy spending time.  She moved out of her place into another house.  I stayed over for a few nights then over the next few months was never asked over.  Her soon to be exhusband would go over there often.  I even went over there and found AXE deodorant on in her room.  It was gone the next time we went there so i planted a bottle of mine right in the living room.  she asked if it was mine and told her yes.......never seen it again.  her husbands mom moves to the mainland she moves out of this place into his moms house........i ask why not get another place and she says dont get between me and the kids.  she talks about wanting to get married and a ring.  well we go to a reunion and i look thru the pics on my camera and there were a few pics of one of her friends at the beach in her towel....didnt think much of it.  well after we broke up i bump into her and there on her towel is her friend tanning himself with the daughter sitting there.  Hmmmm just like i was at one time.  well then i put the pics and stuff together and i got it.  by the way after we break up.........all of a sudden she moves out!  wow i asked her for months!  theres more and yes i know im an idiot........................UGH!
 
October 28, 2008, 3:25 am CDT

Drunk Drivers should not be allowed to drive

Brian is a danger to society. He should not be allowed to drive. He admits drinking and driving. Stop this individual from having a license. He is not to be trusted. He only thinks about himself he is a danger to every American. He chooses to put people's lives in danger. Repeat: he chooses therefore he elects to possibly do harm to others.

As far as Deanna goes who cares. This was a total waste of time for everyone.
 
October 28, 2008, 5:58 am CDT

10/27 Broken Trust

Quote From: efffy_

I can tell you are bitter, and your radar isn't working.
 Not bitter at all , just have been there and my radar is alot more acute right now at 52 than when younger.
 
October 28, 2008, 6:04 am CDT

10/27 Broken Trust

Quote From: duckman82

I couldn't disagree with you more, and I say that because I'm living proof.  When I got married back in 1974, I was 19, immature and selfish.  I had no real idea what marriage and commitment was really all about.  I was unfaithful pretty much the entire time during my 17 year marriage.  My conduct during that marriage was shameful and dishonorable.  After the separation and divorce, something happened:  I grew up and matured.  I looked back on the pain my wife endured when she learned of my unfaithfulness.  No one deserves that.  I waited 11 years before I got married again.  Being unfaithful was never an option.  I would never want to be responsible for ever putting anyone through that kind of pain again, especially someone I love.   There is no roving eye.  No lusting for other women.   I'm totally in love with and am committed to my wife.  To this day, and until the day I die, I'll harbor personal guilt for my despicable actions. 

 

So to suggest that a person can't change is to suggest it's impossible for any person to learn, grow, and mature as they go through life.  What a sad and chaotic place this world would be if that were indeed the case.  The majority of people are learning and growing from their mistakes all the time.  Unfortunately, there are some that don't.   

 Very good for you. I know that just in my experiences, that has always been the outcome. So by reading your comment, I'm sure it is possible. Congrats and good luck to ya !!!
 
October 28, 2008, 7:40 am CDT

respect your hubby or wife

iJust read most of your stories and it see that trust on both side was not there. I had a cheating hubby and he not living with me now. But I learn that relationship is teamwork. if there no teamwork it going to fail . It not a one person show doing all the work for the other person.In some case we all need to sit and look at what is going on . ok this guy cheat on me . why he did that  due to I fail to give him the attention he wanted.

we all like getting attention and if we don't get it  of casue we make a scene to get it .  

What casue the cheating is when that person want to have you and you are busy doing other things like work or taking care of children. .. list can go on. If you give your hubby  or wife spend time alone and not  yelling and fighting  you would see they have no need to cheat on you.How many of you  pick a fight over the little silly things. it all come down to this . How would you like to be respect  is how you  treat others. if you going to yell and fight no wonder the relationship will fail. if you and not home all the time guess what  you are going to make it  fail. trust is a part is how you respect the other person in your life that is going to work.Please one this there is no such thing a prefect marriage  without a fight here and there. But is how you respect the person is the way you want to be respect. My case I never took notice of my hubby and guess what he walk out .Yes we had huge fight over the silly thing that turn out to be my faults. due to I started them.

So if you think of getting married  then think of this can you cope in a teamwork relationship if you say no then do go there .to all those feel that want out  sort out yourself and work on what you can change .You can't change the peroson you married to  but you can change yourself

 
First | Prev | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | Next | Last