Message Boards

Topic : 09/25 Fireproof Your Marriage

Number of Replies: 103
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Thursday, September 25, 2008, 01:17:13 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard2

Have you ever had a horrible day at work and came home and dumped your baggage on your spouse? Or are you the type to bottle up your emotions and shut yourself off to loved ones? Police officers and firemen have to look death in the face every day. Their stress levels are so intense that 75 to 90 percent of their marriages end in divorce. This was the outcome for Ty and Wendy's 11-year marriage. Ty is a police officer, and Wendy says he brought his anger home and treated her and their three kids like they were inmates in jail. Ty acknowledges his negative behavior and wants to know how to change it. The couple is considering getting remarried, but will they feel the same after Dr. Phil tells them the five things they must do to make their relationship work? Then, get a sneak peak at Kirk Cameron's new movie, Fireproof, which explores the private battles many people who work extreme jobs face. Kirk and the moviemakers join Dr. Phil and share why they were so passionate about getting this movie made. Then, Kelly says her marriage is in trouble. Her husband of 16 years, John, recently became a firefighter, and she says she feels like a single mom because he puts more time into his job than his family. And, hear from Karin whose husband, Karl, has been a firefighter for 19 years. Learn the ways she handles her husband's intense emotions and how they maintain a good relationship. These are not the only extreme jobs that can cause marital crises. If your spouse is a workaholic and your marriage is suffering, you don't want to miss this show. 


As of January, 2009, this message board will become "Read Only" and will be closed to further posting. Please join the NEW Dr. Phil Community to continue your discussions, personalize your message board experience, start a blog and meet new friends.

September 26, 2008, 5:09 am CDT

Not Forgotten!

Quote From: kris12

I'm sorry but he didn't leave you  out. He specifically mentioned, "all first responders" several times. I'm pretty sure the category, " all first responders," includes EMS.
I know exactly where you are coming from! Everything these days is about police officers and firefighters. You should live in my household! Not only is my husband a police officer but I am an EMT and a Emergency Medical Dispatcher. They go on about them saving lives when actually it's us doing the life saving-literally!!!!!!!!!! How would they feel if after they drug that person out of a burning house, the person who is unresponsive and not breathing, if they knew it was now them that has to try and breathe life back into that person because their family member is standing there watching you and depending on you to make sure their loved one comes home from work the next time they walk out the door. Then you are unable to revive that person and their loved one is standing there with that look of hatred and dispare on their face as if you were the one that just took their life away. Try dealing with that on a daily basis Dr. Phil!!!!!! We are the true ones out there saving lives and we are always the forgotten ones!!!!!!!!!!! I loved the show and could relate to it very well seeing as how my husband and I had just had one of those blow ups right before the show.
 
September 26, 2008, 5:41 am CDT

This should include the Military also.

I feel that this topic should also cover the military. Since my husband came home from overseas in March of 07, to  me he has not been the same. No matter what I do, it is never right. Even when I do exactly what he want it is still not right. He choose my step-son over me. I have to also beg for any time and attention from him. I have tried to give him his space but after 18 months of being home, it's hard. He can yell, scream or voice his opinion. But when I do, I'm "Bitching" and he doesn't want to hear it.  I ask him if he still loves me, and he says yes. But to go by his actions you would not believe it. I am just so tried. I go to counseling by myself. Because according to him he doesn't have a problem. I think he may have PTS. Prior to him going overseas he was a vol. fireman, and a correctional officer. I feel that I am running out of choices on what to do, and I am tried of being in a marriage by myself.
 
September 26, 2008, 5:53 am CDT

09/25 Fireproof Your Marriage

My husband does not work in the public safety sector but is self-employed. I live with the stress that he brings home daily. Initially it was very subtle things he would say but has escalated to name calling and pushing, grabbing. My 6 year old daughter is picking up on it and she had brain/spinal surgery a few weeks ago - I had enough. He took away all my self-esteem, my confidence and made me feel like a nobody - well not anymore. I gave him two options, get help or end it - he choose to end it. Of course I am heartbroken that he does not wish to fight for his family but I know that he has to heal himself before he can have sort of relationship with any person again. The saddest thing about this whole situation is that we have a 6 and 2 year old - I will be returning to the UK with my 2 children to live permanently as I have no family here to support me or my children - he can't support me.

My husband has obvious problems with stress, financially, emotionally, physically and he agrees that he would call me names or say nasty things to hurt me - I am now severe anxiety medication and he is walking around as everything is fine.

Dr Phil is right - he contaminated our relationship which in turn caused me to pull away from him. I do not want to save this marriage anymore - I want my girls to have a positive "blueprint" of what a father should be and that wants to be around.

I will definitely be recommending he sees this movie - maybe then it will open his eyes as to what me as his wife and his children have dealt with over the past few years.

Good Luck to everyone who manages to get through this - stress is a horrible thing and things can escalate quickly. I am glad I have found the strength to do something about it now - for the sake of my two girls.
 
September 26, 2008, 9:28 am CDT

Too Much Blame on Husband

I am a Dr. Phil fan but I have to say he was too focused on the husband's "problems." This guy's wife showed no appreciation or understanding for the husband's stresses and what he was doing for his family. I wanted to give her a copy of Dr. Laura's "Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands."

Dr. Phil should read a copy too to remind him of the husband's needs.
 
September 26, 2008, 11:37 am CDT

Fireproof

Thank you, Dr Phil, for highlighting marriage. Especially thank you for talking about Fireproof.

It was great to see the Fireproof creators on the show. They are great people making a difference in society. Their other movies (Facing the Giants & Flywheel) are excellent and life-changing. Flywheel has definitely helped me improve my life.

My wife and I have seen Fireproof. It is an excellent movie! Everyone should see it this weekend.
It will help your marriage (it helped ours!). And help support these great people making extraordinary  movies.

Thank you

For more info:
Fireproof - http://www.fireproofthemovie.com/
Flywheel - http://flywheelthemovie.com/
Facing the Giants - http://www.facingthegiants.com/home.php
 
September 26, 2008, 12:12 pm CDT

You forgot one main issue

I feel that there is another issue that wasn't touched on during the show. 

I have been married for 14 years and my husband has been a fire fighter for 10 years.  At work, my husband and his co-workers are really thought of as heros by the community. Everyone loves a fire fighter right?  Kids wave and look at them with awe, women of all ages look at them as hero's and they are hit on and even flashed on a daily basis. Their egos cannot help but be inflated from this - I think.  Then they walk in the door and guess what? They are regular guys to us.  We don't always welcome them home with awe and treat them like hero's.  To us, thank god their home - the baby needs changed and the toodler needs a bath and when you have time can you fix the kitchen sink?  THIS is a major problem.  In the movie clip the husband was yelling at his wife and not feeling "respected".  I think that a lot of that is a very, very common and that it should be the other way around.  When fire fighters (and other responders) are at work, they are respected and looked up to, even if they spent their day watching tv.  I am not trying to disregard what they do. I feel that they risk their lives and are not paid enough for it and are, in fact, very special people.  I do love my husband but because I don't continue to feel "wow, you're a fire fighter, aren't you such a hero", our marriage is failing. I just wish he could be the regular guy that I fell in love with when he's home.  No wonder he wants to work all the time.  Wouldn't you if you had your ego stroked there and were a regulr guy at home?

 
September 26, 2008, 1:40 pm CDT

EYE OPENER

Wow!! This show was really great. Recently my husband, a deputy sheriff, responded to the horrific Metrolink train crash. I don't know how he can see what he sees and manages to keep work at work. He will come home and talk about his day, but he is not angry or grumpy about it.  This train crash has been a real eye opener for our family. I think the kids and I never REALLY understood what a day of work could mean for him. He has been talking to me about his frustrations related to the crash. He wants to spend his "down time" thinking about soccer games, dirtbike riding, camping, etc. Unfortunately, he is haunted by this day. His down time is spent flashing back to the crash and those poor people. He often wonders if the people he helped survived. In a chaotic situation like this there is no time to get names and numbers of victims. Many of them can't talk anyway. My husband wonders "Did they have a spouse?" "Kids?" "Are they going to be ok?" Then he has to go to meeting after meeting about the crash and how things were handled. He is reliving it everyday. So when everything in the media dies down, we need to be aware that our heroes (men and women) are going to carry these gruesome pictures and worried toughts with them for the rest of their lives. Our three girls and I have been awakened! We had been blind to these realities because of all the funny stories and silly questions he is asked daily that he shares with us. We were all shocked to hear what he did and saw. I will NEVER forget going out to greet him after this very long day and seeing the blood stains on his shirt. I am lucky this is all I had to see. We are amazed by all of our heroes. Thank you.

 

I was sad to hear that 75-90% of our type of marriages end in divorce. I tell my husband often how surprised I am that he never brings work home in a negative way. I don't know how he doesn't , but he doesn't. Some of the things we do may help others. When he comes home he says his hellos and goes up to change. I follow him at this time (sometimes with a glass of his red wine) and we talk about our days briefly while he undresses. If he had a tough day we talk a little longer. I think this may help him unwind and be ready to put on his Daddy hat. Another thing that I think helps is that he will call the girls into the family room occassionally and tell them about something that happened that may pertain to them or their age. This allows them to learn consequences of poor decision making and inadvertently helps them to understand what Dad does everyday. This gives him the respect that he has earned and deserves without having to play cop at home. We also punish TOGETHER. If any of our daughters are to be punished I let them know that I am waiting for dad to come home and we will discuss things. If we decide to punish, we go do it together. If it is just a talking to, we do it together. Big decisions we also do together. This keeps him connected to the kids and the family. Another way that he stays connected is he asks me what I have planned for my day. He is not being nosy, he is staying up on what we are up to. This way he knows what to talk to the kids about. "How was that Spanish test?" "How was soccer practice?" "How did everything go at the doctor?" It really works. For men and women. Even for dual income marriages. It may seem like a lot at first but when it becomes part of your routine, it really is easy. People in the work force, especially high stress jobs that require odd hours and a lot of overtime need to stay connected. Nobody wants to come home and feel left out or not know what everyone is talking about. I would imagine that you would feel very lost. We have learned together and we do watch Dr. Phil (can't you tell. LOL) Most times we agree with Dr. Phil. Sometimes he can be harsh but is is usually deserved. He has some great ideas and it's Ok to say "Hey, Dr. Phil said to try this." You really have nothing to lose.

 

The posting about the fact that Dr. Phil did not talk about women in these high stress careers touched me. I agree that it was in poor taste to not represent our women heroes. I do want to say that I know from watching this show for years, that Dr. Phil is a HUGE supporter of all of our heroes, men and women. He especially admires women who "Do It All". He has had many women in high stress jobs and life challenges on his show. I cannot apologize for him but I will say to these women that you amaze me! I take my hat off to you. Our men heroes are some of the most amazing, selfless, people and in my book they deserve the highest level of respect. I thank all of you sincerely. To our women...I catch myself saying often..."How do they do it?" High stress career, kids, grocery shopping, laundry, parent teacher conferences, pta, soccer practice, football, dinner, homework, "time" with honey, etc., etc., etc.. This, I will never be able to grasp. You women are awesome! My hat goes off to you!!! Yes, I am aware that many men take care of these duties as well. So before you get upset and say "hey, I do all of that stuff too!' I want to say the same to you. You men are remarkable. I am married to one of you!!!

 

To the couple on this show. I want to see you make it. I really see something there. I want to say...please listen to Dr. Phil. I know that you both have ownership in the demise of your marriage. You HAVE to forgive. Not forget. Forgive. Learn from the mistakes, lies, anger, and hurt. It is going to be hard but you cannot go forward if you keep the past hanging over your head. You have to make a promise to not bring the past up in future fights. You need to really stick to that. It is poison and you won't be able to reconcile. Try to talk...not fight. You are both allowed to have your feelings. There is no right or wrong feelings. There yours and yours alone. They can't be taken from you and you can't be told that they are wrong. this is for you to decide. If it's not working then try something else, then be honest with yourself. Could you have been handling things wrong since this other way is working? One final rule that I swear works and I wish everybody would stop.  "DO NOT NAME CALL, CUSS, OR BREAK THINGS." If you feel it coming...go for a walk. I swear you will calm down and it won't seem so big. Be willing to apologize if you need to. We have gotten to the point where we don't even name call jokingly (ex. butthead, when being playful) we felt that this would create a habit and it would intensify with really bad names during a fight.

 

Best wishes to you both and thank you to all of our men AND women heroes that save lives of strangers while putting your own lives on the line.

 

 

 
September 26, 2008, 1:40 pm CDT

09/25 Fireproof Your Marriage

Quote From: hglass

You obviously don't get it. Your BROTHER is a Police Officer. You don't work in PS nor do you have a romantic relationship with someone in PS. Therefore, you can't grasp the concept. There is a huge difference between someone who works at Wal*Mart, a grocery store, a gas station, at a bank, a call center or anywhere else and people that work in PS. You might have a bad day at work, but it doesnt involve someone raping a child, it doesnt involve someone's mangled dead body being pulled from wreckage, it doesn't involve a house fire with people trapped inside, it doesn't involve what our jobs involve.

 

Responses like this are the idiocracy that spread poor opinions of people in PS. We are different. We go out and we serve our communities, states, and our country as first responders out to help the public. If we were selfish people who were only concerned about ourselves we'd probably be in whatever line of work that you're in. We want to be appreciated for who we are and what we do.

You obviously dont get it either.

You state that your boyfriend does not get your job either - obviously you do not have a romantic relationship with someone in the PS either.

You my dear, are no different from someone who works at Walmart, a store or whatever. 

I have worked at a large name department store and have more rough days that my husband who is an EMT, and he will be the first to back me on this.

You are a dispatcher and not in the front lines as others are and to say you  are different is so callous.

To say if you were selfish people who were only concerned about yourselves that you would probably be in whatever line of work that the rest of us work in - just shows your intelligence.

 
September 26, 2008, 1:59 pm CDT

09/25 Fireproof Your Marriage

Quote From: tarajayne

I feel that there is another issue that wasn't touched on during the show. 

I have been married for 14 years and my husband has been a fire fighter for 10 years.  At work, my husband and his co-workers are really thought of as heros by the community. Everyone loves a fire fighter right?  Kids wave and look at them with awe, women of all ages look at them as hero's and they are hit on and even flashed on a daily basis. Their egos cannot help but be inflated from this - I think.  Then they walk in the door and guess what? They are regular guys to us.  We don't always welcome them home with awe and treat them like hero's.  To us, thank god their home - the baby needs changed and the toodler needs a bath and when you have time can you fix the kitchen sink?  THIS is a major problem.  In the movie clip the husband was yelling at his wife and not feeling "respected".  I think that a lot of that is a very, very common and that it should be the other way around.  When fire fighters (and other responders) are at work, they are respected and looked up to, even if they spent their day watching tv.  I am not trying to disregard what they do. I feel that they risk their lives and are not paid enough for it and are, in fact, very special people.  I do love my husband but because I don't continue to feel "wow, you're a fire fighter, aren't you such a hero", our marriage is failing. I just wish he could be the regular guy that I fell in love with when he's home.  No wonder he wants to work all the time.  Wouldn't you if you had your ego stroked there and were a regulr guy at home?

You should read Dr. Laura's book about husbands - you will find good advice to make your husband feel like a winner at home as well.
 
September 26, 2008, 3:00 pm CDT

It is possible to survive

Dear Dr. Phil,

My husband and I watched this show with great interest. You see, he is a retired correctional officer, having been one for 23 1/2 years. The thing I want to point out is it is not always the actual activity of the job that causes so much stress. In his case it was the upper level management making decisions that were putting the officers in jeopardy. In fact, had my husband not had surgery and therefore on medical leave, he could very well be dead. The officer that was covering my husband's post was murdered by an inmate, all because the administration decided that guards should be armed, and working alone, in a hospital. We have been very blessed to have a strong relationship and have survived the years.

You had one woman who said she just gives her husband whatever space he needs. That, I believe, is a key element. And you also have to allow your spouse time to blow off steam. In my husband's case, he was a sports official. When he was in the midst of basketball season, things were much easier to deal with. The running the court was one of the most helpful things he had going.

In case anyone is wondering, we have just celebrated our 30th anniversary this month, so I have been there from the beginning. He has now retired, and working part time as a security guard, which still has its issues. I just wanted your viewers to know, it is possible to survive stressful jobs if you really want to work on it. It is worth it.

 
First | Prev | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | Next | Last