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Topic : 09/23 Before You Do

Number of Replies: 116
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Created on : Friday, September 19, 2008, 05:23:49 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Every day, you make simple decisions as you go about your life, but once in a while, you're forced to make a big decision that has the power to change your life forever. When it comes to these big decisions, is there a way to know if you're really making the right choice? Dr. Phil is joined by Bishop T.D. Jakes, author of Before You Do, to arm you with the tools you need to make great decisions you won't regret. Sabrina and Bruce have been married for six-and-a-half years and have three small children. Bruce says there's no affection in their marriage, and Sabrina says they're constantly at each other's throats. To add to their misery, two of their children were born with medical problems, Bruce recently lost his job and their home was foreclosed. Should this couple stay and try to make it work, or part ways? Bishop Jakes weighs in with his five-point decision-making plan. Next, what would you do if your sibling needed one of your kidneys to live? Josh, 21, was diagnosed with kidney disease and needs a transplant. His brother, Tim, is most likely a match, but he can't decide if he wants to make the sacrifice. Find out why Tim says this is the toughest decision he has ever had to make. And, meet a couple who wants to get married, but there's one problem: She wants kids, and he wants a vasectomy! What does Dr. Phil say?

Find out what happened on the show.

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September 22, 2008, 2:14 pm CDT

I already did

I wish I had thought a little more about my decision last Friday when I kicked my significant other of 7 years out of the house.  His sister came up from Tennessee Saturday to get him and I now wish I hadn't made that decision.  Thing is...he is a bit like Casey Anthony in that he has 2, 3 and 4 on the list of anti-social behavior.  His lies always surround two things.  The number of hours he has worked/his pay and vicodin and beer.  He has a very addictive personality, but I do love him and he does tolerate a lot of crap that I dish out.  We are still talking, but I look forward to seeing the show and seeing what the Bishop and Dr. Phil have to say.  I feel so weak, yet know that I make bad decisions regularly and may need some help with this one.  At least he was working two jobs and helped me take care of the animals and my son... who is now 15 and this is the only 'Dad' he knows.  Aaaaargh...I feel like I am going nuts!
September 22, 2008, 3:36 pm CDT

On kidneys and children

Donating an organ is something that does need to be thought about carefully. There is nothing wrong with taking time to think about it. We don't know the relationship of the brothers. What if there is some serious dysfunction there? There are members of my family I wouldn't give body parts or anything else to. Even if they get along fine, it is ultimately the brother's decision, nobody can force him to donate. To the ones who say, "What if it was you; what if the shoe was on the other foot?" I personally would not EXPECT anyone to put their body in danger for me. If they offered, I would accept graciously and be forever in their debt, but I would not act like a brat if they refused.


About the kids or no kids......when are people going to start talking about this BEFORE the wedding? Actually, if you are dead-set on your decision, you should bring it up shortly after the first date. That way, if you meet someone with an opposing goal, you can part ways before things get too serious. Children are a dealbreaker. There is no compromising. I hope Dr. Phil will tell those 2 they need to break up.

September 22, 2008, 4:42 pm CDT

To have/ to have not

I really don't think that the last couple should get married if they are already in dispute over having children.  That is a no-brainer to me, one or the other is going to end up resenting the other party in the marriage.  I know of 4 people who 'accidentally' got pregnant to save their marriages, they all failed.  A child, house move, holiday will not save or resurrect a marriage.  Only the people contributing to the relationship can resolve any issues that are held within it. 

As for making decisions, I go with what feels right at the time, you can tell if you are making the correct decision for you by how your body reacts.  If you think 'I should walk away' then go, if I had listened to my gut feeling, rather than being persuaded to make some decisions - I would have saved myself a lot of heartache.

September 22, 2008, 9:02 pm CDT

09/23 Before You Do

I'm a teen mother, and wife. While my husband and I were dating I've sensed an immaturity about him, and didn't really think anything of it, because I was always told by people close to me that "Boy's mature slower than Girls." But as our marriage progresses, I've been getting really angry and frustrated with him, now that we have a 6 month old son, and another on the way it seems like his decision making skills just isn't improving. I'm starting to regret getting married to him, not because I don't love him but because, we're too young, and jumped the gun on married life. I love my husband and my family. How do I ease my husband into a more mature way of deciding for certain events and factors in our daily lives, without being a nag, and without pushing him away?

September 22, 2008, 9:06 pm CDT

I was also a kidney donor

Quote From: firemans12

I am surprised to read that Tim has to think about donating one Kidney to his brother John.      My mother was diagnosed with kidney failure and out of her 7 kids I was the only one that matched, I did not hesitate to make the decision, considering that I had just had a baby girl, my mother is the love of my life  and so is my daughter, she is now 10 years old and as healthy as can be.    


My mother on the other hand has been healthier than every member of the family and very much active at 65 years old with her kidney of 9 years old (my kidney).    I encourage Tim not to hesitate and give life to his brother John.   I would be devasted to know that I can give life to a loved one and continue to live with one kidney and find out that a member of my family died because I had a hard time making the decision.    Just know that it is such a wonderful feeling to give life to a loved one.    


I would be lying if I told you I was not scared, but that did not change my decision to go ahead with the transplant.



I gave a kidney to my ex- boyfriend, yes ex. We were together 15 years. But later on he dumped me. I still think Tim should do it. I have 3 grown children. Yes, it was scarey, but saving a life is a wonderful thing. I would do it over again, even though it didn't turn out the way I had hoped. He is doing wonderful.
September 23, 2008, 12:24 am CDT


After 13 years of marriage I found out that my 7 year old son was ABUSED by my husband. MY DECISION to get andivorce was based on my son's well being. It was a long and hard road to travel on my own as a SINGLE PARENT. It was very difficult for me to have found out because I was ABUSED all my LIFE by my MOTHER.
I had to take my son to THERAPY which in turn HELPED me get through it. After 13 years of PAIN I took hold of my LIFE and my son took HOLD OF HIS LIFE. It wasn't Easy but YOU CAN MAKE YOUR FUTURE A BRIGHTER ONE WHEN MAKING THE RIGHT DECISION!
September 23, 2008, 12:40 am CDT


Quote From: peaches1063

I need to know how to make peace or live with my decision on being on my own again. I am married for the 2nd time to a man that has at least 2 addictions that are not good. I am about to have a nervous break down because I am tired of trying to deal with them and make things work. He sees nothing wrong with what he is doing. (At least that's what he tells me) We have been married only 7 months and it has been hell since the wedding night. I want to do right in God's eyes and would like to hear from Bishop T.D. and  you Dr. Phil and anybody else who has great advice.


Thank you,


You are going through a DIFFICULT time and when you used the word NERVOUS BREAKDOWN it concerned me. You must go for some type of help so you can make a decision as to what to do with your LIFE living with a husband with 2 addictions. Try to go
for THERAPY or going to a CHURCH GROUP to start as soon as you can to obtain HELP! Dr.PHIL has a lot of good books you could read that might help you. His list of books are on his webstite. Don't Hesitate on getting the HELP that you need. You can also e-mail Dr.Phil with your problem...maybe he can find some help for you. GOOD LUCK!
September 23, 2008, 7:46 am CDT

been there

I have been where this brother is.  My twin brother needs a liver and there is no way that I will give my liver to him because of the drugs he does.  He will not change and will continue to use the drugs and I can not see my liver going to someone who doesn't care.  He doesn't care about himself and so he will not care about the gift I would be giving to him.  It was a hard decision but I have to think about myself and understand that with or without the liver he is going to die.  I pray for a change in him daily but until he is ready to change his lifestyle, I will keep my liver and not judge those who chose to do the same. 
September 23, 2008, 8:16 am CDT

Learning to live with Kidney Disease is a difficult process

I am a woman who has been living with renal failure for 20+ years.  I remain appalled at how little family members,patients themselves, and even doctors seem to know or to appreciate about the psychological affects of living with this disease.  I have seen many many patients die, have "crashed" many times, and have had to rely only on God to just make it through each day( As do we all!).  It is not as though spending the 12 hours per week on the machine is enough, the resulting affect on the heart and mind can be difficult to deal with. Did you know that many renal patients die from strokes, muscle wasting, and the impact of depression?  Did you know that in this nation depression mostly goes untreated in the "regular" sector of our population but even more so among those suffering from diseases that have NO cure?   Well there is ABSOLUTELY no cure for kidney failure.  Many people mistakenly believe that having a transplant is a cure when in fact it is merely another treatment with it's own set of complications.
(immune suppression)  When a person is diagnosed with this disease, they may opt for hemodialysis, peritoneal dialysis, or transplantation- period!  Each of these treatment options require or demand the understanding that ultimately, we have a CHRONIC disease.  For veterans (whom our country cares so much for) our disability benefits are eliminated once we opt for transplantation as a treatment, because the Veterans Administration and our nation's Social Security Admin. treat renal patients as though they have been "cured" despite American Medical Assoc. information that there is NO cure.  Living life with any chronic disease is a challenge for sure, but those of us who are living with renal failure are truly misunderstood, and underserved.  Please help if you can to help us all to be heard and served.
September 23, 2008, 8:21 am CDT

Organ donation

Making a decision about organ donation is not as easy as it is described in some of the postings.  I worked in dialysis for years so have some experience in this.  Yes, I would like to say that if I had a loved one who needed a kidney to save their life that I would do it. 

However, a kidney transplant is rarely needed to save a life.  I have heard these statements and discussions many times.  It upsets me when I hear this discussion characterized as if it were life and death or that it needs to be an immediate decision.  Dialysis is certainly not something that someone would choose but there are difficulties in living with a transplant as well. 

I took care of patients that had been on hemodialysis for 20 years.  Also, there is an option of ambulatory dialysis that is done at home and does not involve blood.  This is usually more preferred for younger patients. 

First, a transplant is not a cure.  The patient must take antirejection drugs for the rest of their life and continue to have many health problems that they may have developed pretransplant.  A transplanted kidney is never as good as having your own natural kidney.

The potential donor may give his kidney to his brother (if he is a match) and then develop kidney disease himself or have an injury and end up on dialysis.  The fact that the gentleman has a history of not caring for his body is a huge issue.  You would think that he would treat his kidney like gold because of the sacrifice of his brother.  I have seen patients who were thrilled to get a kidney and it wasn't long before they went back to their old ways and even stopped taking antirejection drugs regularly, thus losing the kidney.  Also, a rejection could happen even if he were totally compliant.

His brother is not his only option.  He could go through the procedure of being placed on a list and wait for a cadaver donation.  This takes a while but then would also show that he has made the lifestyle changes necessary for accepting a transplant. 

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