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Topic : 12/23 Real Life: Heart Shattered

Number of Replies: 176
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Created on : Friday, September 12, 2008, 01:17:09 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 09/16/08) Are you prepared for the unexpected? Life is not a success-only journey, but when you're faced with difficult days, you don't have to become a victim. In his new book, Real Life: Preparing for the 7 Most Challenging Days of Your Life, Dr. Phil teaches you how to prepare for a crisis before it arrives, and how to get back to better days. One of the most challenging days can come the day your heart is shattered, especially if you experience a loss. Amber says she was living the perfect life. She and her sisters dreamed of marrying a man like their dad and having a great relationship like their parents'. She says they were totally blindsided on Father's Day when their dad told their mom he wanted a divorce. Hear their emotional story and learn what you can expect to feel when you lose something precious to you. Plus, find out Dr. Phil's action plan to help you get through the difficult period. Then, Sylvia is a mother to 4-year-old twins and is seven months pregnant. She was married to a Marine sergeant for seven years who tragically lost his life —  not on the battlefield — in a car accident when he returned home. Now, each day is a battle for Sylvia. Dr. Phil shares his action steps for grieving, in an effort to help the mourning mom move forward. Today, Sylvia is struggles to pay for her basic necessities. Don't miss Dr.Phil's amazing surprise for her! Talk about the show here.

Find out what happened on the show.

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September 17, 2008, 2:29 pm CDT

To Sylvia

I don't know if this will help at all, but I felt that I should share some thoughts with you.  I know you're angry with God right now, and I do understand your feelings.  I woke up this morning with three thoughts to share with you.  If his truck had not rolled into the lake, he may have suffered a slow, agonizing death if the truck was not visible from the road.  Another possibility is that he would have survived in only a vegetative state the rest of his life.  Although it seemed especially cruel upfront, perhaps the drowning was actually a blessing from God to end his misery and not add long-term, exhausting misery for you and your sweet children.  My heart aches for you.  I pray that better days are ahead for you and your beautiful children.
September 17, 2008, 5:02 pm CDT

Dr. Phil hit the nail on the head!

Dr. Phil wrote the book I wanted to write!  When my husband of 13 years blindsided me with divorce, I went through all of the emotions he detailed on the show.  I guess what I want all people in similar situations to know is that the negative feelings do not last forever.  When Dr. Phil said, "You WILL laugh again" to the woman who'd lost her husband, I screamed out, "YES!"  I remember the first time I laughed after my divorce.


Life today is so good.  I went back to school (I'd been a stay-at-home mom for 9 years) and discovered that I am stronger and more capable than I ever thought I was.  Ladies, you are too!  You can do this!  Make a conscious decision to pick yourself up and see this change as an opportunity to grow.


God bless you all, and you GO Dr. Phil! 

September 17, 2008, 5:15 pm CDT

You are in my prayers

Quote From: trevajo50

My beautiful daughter was killed in a single vehicle roll over June 20, 2008.  I have 2 sons in the Army and thought I had made some mental preparations for the possibility of the death of a child.  I was so wrong. I have very little memory of the last few months. Because I own a small restaurant/bar with my sister and sister-out-law, I have had to "pretend" I am doing OK just to keep the business going.  Genevieve was 22 years old.  She had just bought her own home and was trying to "fix it". She saw the good in everyone.  She was not just my daughter, but my best friend.  We talked 2-3 times a day.  I miss her so, I find it hard to breath.  I am afraid that my marriage will not survive this, because I don;t see how I will survive this.  I did not get to hold or see my daughter after the accident.  Her body was crushed and she had to be identified by her small tattoo on her hip.  My husband and her 5 brothers went to the coroners, they felt I should not go. I have been the one to have to handle the aftermath of her death, her house, her belongings.her  insurance and her ashes.  My mind will not let me remember her.  I cannot recall anything.  I look at pictures, but there is no memory .  Is my mind completely broken???  Help me understand. 



I don't think anyone can ever be prepared for the death of a child.  I just ask you to be kind to yourself.  Take care of yourself.  Let yourself heal.  Your mind is not broken; you are aching. 


Many marriages break up when a child dies.  Please give yourself and your relationship time to heal.  Don't judge each other, as each of you will handle your grief differently.  I am so sorry you lost your daughter.  Know that someone out there is praying for you.  You won't always feel this much pain. 


September 17, 2008, 8:53 pm CDT

Loss Never Ends

Is it really possible to prepare for the most difficult days.  You really don't get it until you experience it.  What are we preparing for?  You can't escape the shock, grief or pain.  You can only hope you'll survive it when it happens.  I don't know how I could have prepared to lose my brother at age 24, then 3 years later lose my Dad.  Not only grief of loss, but anger that my brother died in a drunk driving accident.  How do you deal with the anger at the driver when he is also another brother?  How do you deal with your father drinking himself to death just 3 years later?  After the demise of my family of origin, my guilt riden brother continued to drink another ten years.  How do you prepare for a mother with alzheimers disease? Your remaining family pulls together to care for her at home until her death just last year.  When you finally start to believe in life again, how do you deal with the demise of your own family.  Divorce, an affair, and broken family after 30 years.  Is it also possible to lose your job at age 56 just 2 months after the divorce?  Loss is everywhere.  Friends,  a church family, family home, empty nest and no job.  You don't feel better in a year.  It is more like 10 years.  That's my life so far.  Wish it would be easier or better yet just stop with the loss altogether.  Maybe it's Karma.  People who survive natural disasters always say, "We've lost everything but thank God we still have our family. What have I learned?  Nothing in life is certain. No guarantees for love, marriage, health, home or job.  No guarantees on honesty, loyalty and someone who always has your back.  You just have to hold on to God, even if you can't feel him, surrender and let it be.
September 18, 2008, 8:33 am CDT


This is going to sound trite, but there is a problem to the general feel of this particular message board.  I know many of you are going through great struggles right now, and it is common and expected for you to go through anger, grief, sorrow, and agony.  However, if you continue to focus on your trials, you will never get over them.  You will drown in self pity.  Sometimes the best antidote to depression is to focus on the things in your life that you have to be grateful for, even if it is simply that you can feed yourself, clothe yourself, and bathe yourself.  If you really look at our world, you will always be able to find someone who has things worse than you in life.  When you focus on gratitude, and begin to serve others in need, you will find your sorrow replacing itself with joy.  When I have bad days it is because I am focusing on my own pain and forgetting to be grateful for what I do have.  My prayers are that you may heal from your sorrows and find joy in your lives once again.
September 18, 2008, 10:30 am CDT

Dr. Phil is right.

 Divorce brings on so many emotions, fear, betrayal, anger, insecurities... One has to be careful not to pass these negative feelings onto the children. My children were 12,10 and 7 years old when my husband decided that marriage was not for him. I was left with an empty bank account, no job and no place to live because he had defaulted on the mortgage. To make matters worse he left the Province then the Country. Not one penny was given to support his children. Needless to say the kids and I shared hard times but we managed. I eventually found a job and the kids helped by delivering papers and doing odd jobs around the neighborhood. 21 years passed and one day I received a phone call from Guyana. It was my ex-  asking for help because he was in the last stages of lung cancer. He had no money, yet he wanted to die in his country near his children. I am not an angel, far from it, because my first instinct was to hang up after asking him where he was when I needed help but my children and grand children's faces came to mind and I felt that they deserved to know their father and grand father. So I send him the plane fare and for the last two months of his life I took care of him while he renewed his relationship with his children.

Of course this is real life so there really was no happy ending. I could help him with his physical care and give him his painkillers when needed but I could not help him with the bitter regrets that plagued the last weeks of his life. He kept asking himself why he abandoned his children and missed all their years of growing up. The day we buried him I knew I had done the right thing. My son lovingly placed his hand on the coffin and shed some tears. He got to know and love his father. I knew I had done the right thing by not letting my petty revenge take over. Divorce is a separation of the parents not the children, no matter how much it hurts don't ever involve the children.










September 18, 2008, 1:35 pm CDT

Dr. Phil saying to Slyvia

 I didn't like when Dr. Phil said to Slyvia " if you want to lay in bed and feel sorry for yourself then go ahead". The part i thought was uncalled for was the " feel sorry for yourself". To me that didn't need to be said. She ISN"T feeling sorry for herself she is GRIEVING Dr. Phil.  You said that if anything happens to your Son's that " they will have to take you to the dump". That felt like an insult and she deserves an apology from you Dr. Phil.
September 18, 2008, 6:56 pm CDT


Quote From: matinaris

I really understand what you have gone through. Betrayed, abandoned, lost, angry, and feeling pissed off. 13 years ago, I too felt so depressed I couldn't go on. I was left to raise a son by myself, without any direction on how I was going to manage, during such anger and depression. I lost everything, even the compassion from those I cared about. I really realized I was on my own, and my problems were not going away. One day I stopped thinking about how screwed over I was and decided I was going to do something about it. I had no car and no food. I felt like a laughing stock and I was clothed in shame. I had no where to go but up. So I purchased a pair of rollerblades and a jogging stroller. I decided I was going to make more money than I had ever made before, and my son would never know we were doing without. I rollerbladed 30 miles a day to work and with him in the jogging stroller to the sitter. I lost a ton of weight. And he thought it was fun. People started recognizing me and waving daily on my route, and thought I was a work out fanatic. They were inspired. I was able to gain my dignity back and it felt good to be independent and strong. In two years I made three times more money and bought a junker of a car. But it was mine. My son and I were elated. I found God, or should I say He found me. I also found out how strong I was and no one will ever be able to take that away from me. It is my story and triumph. Praise God for the days I cried because I was starving and I just couldn't put my blades on, I felt a little push and peace would come. It was alright. My son only knows me as strong. And that is pricless. God Bless You on your journey. Matina
 Wow!!!! I am proud of you and don't even know you.....what an inspiration to sylvia you will be.
September 18, 2008, 7:00 pm CDT

Real Life: Heart Shattered

Quote From: kqk1982

 I didn't like when Dr. Phil said to Slyvia " if you want to lay in bed and feel sorry for yourself then go ahead". The part i thought was uncalled for was the " feel sorry for yourself". To me that didn't need to be said. She ISN"T feeling sorry for herself she is GRIEVING Dr. Phil.  You said that if anything happens to your Son's that " they will have to take you to the dump". That felt like an insult and she deserves an apology from you Dr. Phil.
Unlike the above message, I totally understood what Dr. Phil was saying.  He was NOT being sarcastic, he was saying if she needs to feel sorry for herself, THAT IS PERFECTLY ALRIGHT.  She has a right to feel sorry for herself!  By staying in bed for a while and grieving IN THAT WAY, feeling sorry for herself, she is working through the grief!  He was, in essence, telling her that if that is part of the way she needs to deal with the grief now, then that is right for HER.  With the responsibilities of children and one on the way, and work ethic she has, she won't stay in bed that long:  but when she gets up, she will be able to move on, having gone through a portion of the grieving process.  It was not an insult, and he does not owe her an apology! 
September 18, 2008, 7:11 pm CDT

Real Life: Heart Shattered

I have "posted" before regarding losing my husband to cancer 3 years ago.  Watching today's show, with Sylvia, tears were streaming down my face.  Why?  Because I know that pain so well.  I find that I miss my husband more deeply now, 3 years later, than I ever have.  I didn't expect the extreme depth of the pain.  I fit all of Dr. Phil's "be prepared" cues, yet I am just dying inside.  I dream about him frequently, and they are always about "loss".  He's "over in a crowd", and I can't get to him; he's leaving an office to meet  a woman/in other words, he's not mine anymore.  NOT that my husband EVER did that.  We had a totally monogomous, devoted marriage, but it seems my subconscious is acknowledging that he is not mine any more; he is gone, and I can't get to him.  There are days the pain and crushing emptiness of it is almost more than I can stand, and I just say to God, "either take this pain away, or take me.  I can't stand it any more."  I am active, I laugh with good friends, have a strong faith, I am well off financially.  By all evidence, I should be ok, moving on.  I had a vivid dream a month ago that changed my life:  something just died inside of me.  I was hugging him, and I could just FEEL him next to me.  It was so real, I was sobbing in my dream, and waked up doing the same.  I hope it is not like this for Sylvia. 
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