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Topic : 09/01 Custody Chaos

Number of Replies: 521
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Created on : Friday, August 29, 2008, 11:59:43 am
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Alienation, slander, sabotage  ... These are some of the ugly extremes ex-spouses go to when fighting for custody of their children. Too often innocent children are used as weapons to exact revenge on a former mate. Melissa and her ex-husband, John, are in a heated custody battle for their 6-year-old daughter and 8-year-old son. Melissa says John is a danger to the children. She says he leaves guns and knives within their reach, and he has locked them outside in the dark. John says Melissa has violated a custody order and kidnapped their children, and that's why he wants full custody. With all the finger-pointing, who's telling the truth? Melissa's mom, Janet, says she fears John could snap at any moment, and she worries for the safety of her daughter and grandchildren. Find out what she says is her biggest regret. And, high-profile attorney Gloria Allred and the director of The National Center for Men, Mel Feit, weigh in. Who do they feel should have custody of the children? You won’t want to miss their heated debate! Join the discussion.

Find out what happened on the show.

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August 31, 2008, 8:42 pm CDT

09/01 Custody Chaos

Hi there,


A father who is allowed "private" tel calls with his son is sabotaging the son's grades by telling him that he does not have to do any homework or have good grades.   mother is not allowed to listen in or record  the calls........any ideas on how to catch him and gather evidence of this for court?



September 1, 2008, 6:32 am CDT

The abused spouse doesn't have enough protection

As I watch the show I see the fear in the mother and grandmother's faces.  I am all too familiar with that. 


 I am currently married to a man who is bipolar for sure and most like also suffers from borderline personality disorder as well.  My life is a living hell and I am very worried about the effect it has on my 5 yr old daughter.  However I am even more afraid of what will happen to her if we divorce and she is forced by the court to spend every other weekend alone with him. 


There is no protection for spouses and children from verbal and emotional abuse.  These semi sociopathic people can hide it very well.  They are adept at turning things around to make them look like a victim.  The true victims are always the children who are unprotected when they have to be alone with the troubled parent.


I applaud the woman on TV for being able to leave but as I see her pain I realize that I truly am trapped in an abusive relationship because the courts will never be behind me and my child in the event of a divorce. My only hope is that he might disappear or I find a (legal) way to move out of state or far enough away to make regular visits difficult or impossible. 


I only write this to try to gain recognition for this problem.  Children need better protection.  It seems that it is always assumed that the allegations of a given spouse are made in anger and out of spite.  I realize it is hard to determine the truth but stronger efforts to do so should be in made.

September 1, 2008, 6:40 am CDT

John the Boot Camp Dad.

I hope that Melissa RUNS & takes those kids far away from John & Divorce this guy & get's Full custody! I Lived with a man who was similar to John,had guns & one day held a shot gun to my head & said he was gonna kill me & once ur in that position there is a chance of no return with a person who's not stable. I think Melissa might have seen the real John once she got away to a safe place & opened her ears to what he was saying,what he was doing & that can be a Huge Wake Up Call!!
  I wonder if John spent time fighting in War?
   I hope whatever they do it's the best for those kids...
September 1, 2008, 6:46 am CDT

Doesn't Matter

Quote From: honestelai

I know they are young ,but they know better than anyone on the outside what is going on. Will some one please talk to the children.If there is abuse taking place in this household it needs to be stopped now before it is to late. Children are supposed to be happy and enjoy their childhood and parents are supposed to make it happen. They did not ask to be born and parents have a responsibility to take care of them  so they can grow up to be well adjusted, caring, loving, adults.  

Many children do not want to visit or spend time with their abusive/neglectful/uncaring fathers. However, the court systems forces them to, and forces you to do to so, or lose your children to their father for PAS. Obviously you have not had any experiences with CPS or the court system or you would know by now that what is best for the children is NOT a high priority of the court system; it is the dad.

You are correct in saying, "Children are supposed to be happy and enjoy their childhood and parents are supposed to make it happen. They did not ask to be born and parents have a responsibility to take care of them  so they can grow up to be well adjusted, caring, loving, adults."


But what do you do when the courts do not see it this way?

September 1, 2008, 6:58 am CDT

09/01 Custody Chaos

Quote From: catdance45

I lost my case to a narcisstic- socialpathic  man that abused my child since he was 2.

I fought the system out of my mind  for three years when I found out he was a child abuser and bisexual after 25 years - of  faithful mairriage.

I wanted to die and almost had a nervous breakdown.



He got another girl pregnant and paid child support to her for 18 yrs. and I did not know about it.

My son was abused in the system and so was my daughter.

I was the worst abused-no criminal background and a day care provider for 16 years for Hamilton County Welfare

The courts tried to put me in jail for sticking to my story and missing a few appointments during the case. They said I was crazy.

I am looking for support groups and going to submit my whole story to different attorneys to reverse my case and go after Indiana if I can. I live in Ohio now.

My ex was also a nark and passed a poly test - My son has since said he lied at age 10 and lives with his father

Help Cat




I read your story with great interest. If you find any help could you please post it here? There are MANY others like you, with similiar or worse stories, that desperately need help too. I, to, would love for some big shot lawyer to look at all our cases and help us out. My ex suffers from Bi-polar disorder and I also suspect Sociopathic tendencies as well. He can charm anyone out of anything and always puts on the act to make me and my witnesses look bad in court. Despite everything he has done, he comes out smelling like roses, I loose more parenting time and is labled the "difficult, crazy mom."


I understand what you went through and what you are still going through--trust me.

There just has to be some help for people like us somewhere.

September 1, 2008, 7:06 am CDT

My Thoughs

Honestly I think the childern should live witht he mother because the ex-husband is to unstable for those kids.
September 1, 2008, 7:09 am CDT

Custody Chaos

If I were the judge in this case I believe I would have to take the children from both parents or at least order counseling for both parents. No doubt John seems to have serious problems but Lisa has violated court orders. I am surprised they haven't already made her face consequences for this. I agree with Dr. Phil, if she has concerns for her children's safety she should go back to court. I once saw a judge change his mind instantly because he was convinced the mother feared for her children's safety. I also think her mother has had a huge influence on her and I believe she is blowing smoke our her ear when she says she has said nothing negative about their father to the children. Even if John is guilty of everything they say he is, it is not her place to interfere. I can understand her concern for her daughter and the children but she needs to not influence the children. I think they are all guilty of negative comments to the children about each other. Those poor children are probably so confused they don't know what they should do or say. I am on their side too. The people in the court system in that area need to wake up and think of the children, not theri Marine father (and being a Marine doesn't make him good) or their mother.
September 1, 2008, 7:15 am CDT

They need a plan of action

This is a broken man who is in need of immediate mental health intervention. It will do irrevocable harm to the children if they lose their father as a result of suicide.


Grandmother is off the chart with anger. Mother has a shouting board for the expression of her anger, but this only keeps mother farther away form even considering a middle ground. As much as possible, grandmother needs to be removed from the picture. Meetings between two parents to discuss rules of engagement in relation to childern should commence, followed by parenting counseling for both parents.

September 1, 2008, 7:15 am CDT

For what it's worth

What a mess...allegations like these should not be taken lightly. 
I don't know this man personally, but he doesn't appear to be dangerous, just heart-broken.  He's family, the wife he loved and his children have been snatched away.  There are probably times where he doesn't know how it happened.  One minute life was good and the next....But sometimes we're not always given the reasons why, we just have to take stock and do the best with what we are given.  To him, hang in there...find the only "person" you can really depend on.
To her...Seriously, if you think he's dangerous, what's your children's safety worth?  How much risk are you willing to take?  God forbid, but if I had children and my husband became abusive...he would never see those children again. No matter what I sacrificed.  If it's debatable about the abusive and it's more your frustration or fears, find peace. 
Then you both can stop acting like children and be the parents these children need.  Before it's too late.  
As for the grandmother, love the children unconditionally.  Let your daughter cry on your shoulder, but stop butting in.  Refuse to fight this battle for her....she married him, she made her bed.  Your job is to support, not to take the battle on.  Remember your place. When the fighting gets crazy, your grandchildren need to know that you will offer a safe harbor, free of anger and resentment. 
September 1, 2008, 7:19 am CDT

Who are the real abusers anyway

 Those two women are the mirror image of my former wife and her mother and it is the same outlandish behavior that they projected to the courts that is the main reason I have not been able to have ANY relation with my 16 yearold Daughter who I love dearly. Listening to the constant bombast spewing from GRANDMA's mouth during the show gave me instant flashbacks.

 Both of their behaviors should really be considered criminal in nature as to what they are doing to those kids by their constant degrading of their father. Then mom feels she can flaunt the law by 'CLAIMING" she is afraid and running out of state. I now from first hand knowledge that mothers get away with this and should the father try to retreive his children HE faces prosectution because it happened to me and I followed my girls mother to the state she ran off to and moved 50 miles away, when I tried to enforce court ordered visitation and sought her arrest for violating a court order, I was the one escorted away by the police.


 Due to her mom and grandmothers' Outstanding' parenting skills and their Perfect capability of being such great roll models to my daughter, she is failing school, this child had such hopes and ambitions. Now the only things that she does is sex with boys, drugs, violence and being an all out liar and a disgrace to herself.  MOMMY is too busy with her numerous boyfriends to raise her so she went behind my back and gave custody papers to her incompetent druggy mother even though I had joint custody.

 Granted I am not the image of prefection as a father, but I try my best. I take care of my 24 yearold daughter who has early onset Parkinsons, heart problems, and on an insulin pump, the child has the mental facilities of a 6 year old but I take great care of her BY MYSELF. Had my 16 year old been given the chance to be with BOTH her parents and seen and been emersed in a household where all envolved helped eachother I know for certain she would not be be living the life she is. I am so very afraid she is walking a road of ruin that I can do nothing about and the blame lies at her mother and grandmothers doorstep.

 So all these women here who feel the need to dog out this man at the drop of a hat need to get a clue. Fathers are just as capable of rearing the children alone , ESPECIALLY daughters and have them turn into responsible young adults.

 Give that man the benefit of maybe a litle doubt, because his former mother in law is a loon and needs to butt out, she appears to be the main reason for all these countinued problems 

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