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Topic : 05/08 Is this Marriage Really Over?

Number of Replies: 936
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Created on : Friday, May 02, 2008, 01:29:24 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
When is it time to call it quits in a marriage? Jason and Shani have been married 11 years and have three young sons. Jason recently found out that Shani has been having an affair with her friend's husband. He is devastated and will do anything to save his marriage. Shani says she tried for two years to warn Jason that she needed more from him, but she says he ignored the signs. She's moved out of their house and says she's ready to move into the arms of Greg, her boyfriend of three months. What does she say is her only regret? Next, hear what Greg has to say about their relationship. Why do his comments infuriate Jason? Then, Shani's sister, Amber, who wrote to the show, weighs in. What does she have to say about her sibling's infidelity? When Dr. Phil tells Shani what he thinks needs to happen, will she take his advice? Is there hope for this couple on the brink of divorce?  Tell us what you think.

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May 8, 2008, 7:35 am CDT

Why don't men listen

Why do you. You have to spell everything out 25 times for a man to hear you? I am not in favor of what this woman is doing by any means! But again, why? She said to him you're losing me. He paid no attention to her and even just said well I heard you but it's not like you sat me down and said blah blah blah. Why do women have to?  Why can't a woman just say I'm having a hard time or I need attention or I'm not happy and a man actually listen?
May 8, 2008, 7:39 am CDT

This Reminds Me...

Wow, watching this reminds me of my father. I am 30 years old and still dealing with the emotional effects of my father's adultery almost 9 years ago. For Greg to say that it won't affect the kids is ridiculous!! There are other issues I have with my father that have nothing to do with his adultery but the fact that he passively sat by and watched our "house" burn to the ground is still hard to take. My father is now married to the woman he cheated with my mom on, whom he met at church btw! He called me a year after my wedding to tell me that he was married and going to have a baby!!! They have a daughter who will be 7 this year. I did try to have a relationship with my father and his family. My father's wife has successfully gotten me out of their lives. I have a step-sister and a half sister who I haven't seen in years. Since my father to this day has not admitted what he did was really wrong I decided it wasn't emotionally healthy for me to have a relationship with him. I tried for 2 years to no avail. Once his wife was mad at me for something ridiculous. He took me out to lunch to tell me that she was mad at me and that I couldn't see my sisters. I told him that if he wasn't willing to stand up for me, his daughter, that I wasn't willing or able to have a relationship with him. He doesn't have a backbone and she controls everything. It's sad. Wow, I didn't know I was still angry :) I have forgiven him but I now have 2 boys who he has never met. One is 4 and the other 10 months. I am hoping and praying that one day we will have contact again, I just can't allow myself to be in an emotionally unhealthy relationship with a man who justifies his actions and with a woman who helped destroy what was left of our family. I hope that Shani will read some of these posts and know that her boys are more important and that she helps write on the story of their lives. I myself am realizing the awesome and difficult responsibility of raising children. I also realize how hard it must have been for my mother and father but what my father didn't do was admit his responsibility, ask for our forgiveness or try to change his ways. He went with what felt good. I'm wondering now, does it feel so good?
May 8, 2008, 7:45 am CDT

I don't get it....


Watching this show really brought back some feeling and memories that I honestly forgotten when I was a kid. In a nutshell, my father had an affair with another woman and left my mother, my brother, and myself behind. And might I also add my brother is mentally handicap and I was 7 years old when this happened.  It was a nasty divorce and the affair was a scandal at the Air Force Base we were stationed at. My father was very selfish just like this woman who is so "in love".  Sweety, take it from a woman who lived through this as a child, had to "have" (and I say that very lightly) a relationship with the woman who ruined my parent's marriage, and had to "grow" up at a VERY young age to help my mom take care of my brother and be strong for her, please finish what you started.

Be a real woman and mom to those kids. And I can tell you as well, if Greg is saying on national television that the kids will only be affected "short-term" that should give you a BIG sign that he is not going to be there for you. I mean think about it, with a comment like that, that shows to me that if you continue to be with him, he is going to be angry when you tell him your going to spend time with your kids. Basically he is going to make you pick between your kids and him when it comes to spending time. Believe me I know because my father's mistress was the same darn way when he would have my brother and I over for visitation. It just got the point so much that she didn't want him around us that she told him and my mother she is going to have her own kid so he will forget about us. Which did happen and when my half-sister was born....poof.  I never saw him again, I was 9 years old when that happened.

I could continue to tell you the suffering I had to deal with over the years because of that family. And the heartache my mom had to go through, but I'm not going to. Because honestly sweetheart, another person shouldn't have to tell you their pain because of selfish parent. You seem to be a smart woman with a good head on her shoulders and if Greg really, truly, undoubtedly loves you, he will understand what you have to do.
May 8, 2008, 7:49 am CDT

Shame on You.

Quote From: karma5145

Shanni should be ashamed of herself. When you choose to have kids they must come first. Sex isn't everything. If he will cheat on his wife and kids he'll cheat on you too. WAKE UP!!

Shanni can't have her cake and eat it too. But she should have talked to him. But maybe she should have tried to fix it now. It takes two. Greg should also know better also. But i think they should just get a divorce and move on.

May 8, 2008, 7:50 am CDT

I feel so bad for the whole family!!

Quote From: getrealtime

Thats like inviting the wolf into the hen house, friends husbands are not out of bounds for her, so good luck with that!!!Maybe you should keep in mind that she is a human that needs love and affection no matter what line she needs to cross.
This is so sad and Shani's feelings are all too real. I am a 33yr old married woman  with two children and have been in her shoes and people are so quick to judge but my heart cries out for her. (and her family) I can understand the loveless marrage when she spoke of her attemps to get her husbands attention I felt like she knew me and my past. I chose to let my affair go, It was the hardest thing I have lived through!!  I didn't want to live anymore. If the man loves her he will give her the time and space even if she don't think she needs or wants it. I decided to find a recovery based church and have been attending for two years and I'm not saying it was or is always easy, I felt like my heart was being ripped out!! I am still with my husband he has not changed much as a husband BUT I have I have come to realize the NO man was desighned to fill me. Only God through his son JESUS can do that. We can only give love if we recieve it from him same with fogiveness we can only forgive because we have been forgiven.. I don't want to preach but. Jesus has changed my order and list of marital needs.  I will pray for Shani, her husband the children and the boyfriend.. I wish I could talk to her and be an ear and someone to encourage her, not got get back with her husband but to find herself, because I know with an affair you lose you!!
May 8, 2008, 7:59 am CDT

ToShaney on the show airing 5-10-08

I wish I could talk to Shaney on the phone to tell her what I went  through.  My husband and I have benen mmarried 22 years.  When we met  he was married and had 4 children and I was married and had one child.  It has been a very hard 22 years.

May 8, 2008, 8:04 am CDT

I have a friend in EXACTLY the same position

   I have a friend in EXACTLY the same position.  She does not know that I know, although I think she has a feeling I suspect her of this.  In fact, she has basically dumped me and our other best friends about 4 months ago.  I tried talking to her but it went nowhere.  After wracking my brain to try to figure out why, I suddenly realized it was because I was getting to close to the truth.  I am appalled at what is going on.

   We were all close as couples, including the couples involved in this situation.  We spent tons of time together and even travelled together.  The only thing that was always so awkward was that my friend absolutely dissed the wife of the guy she is now involved with.  It was really bad.  She used to say THE WORST things about this woman and it was totally obvious that she did this bc she viewed this woman as her "competition".  Bizarre, I know.  But then when she dumped all of us and had no other way of hanging around the guy that at the time was merely an out-of-control obsessive crush, what does she do?  She befriends this poor woman and becomes like BFF's with her.  This poor other woman doesn't have many close friends, and was totally thrilled at what she perceived as a genuine friendship.  It was heartbreaking to watch this sick maneuvering.

   While you never know what is actually going on behind closed doors, I feel like I know my friend well enough that I would have had some clue if things were so horrible.  I basically spoke to her every day for 5 years.  it got bad though the past 2 yrs, bc all she wanted to talk about was how much she hated this woman, or to dissect even the slightest thing this guy did or said.   I even told her a couple of times that this was coming across like she had a crush on him-- an accusation she obviously denied.  I think her big issue, subconciously, is that she has no life-- she is bored and has no interests.  Her youngest child left home two years ago, her husband does all the cooking, and she is not involved in any outside activities at all- no clubs, no sports, no activities, nothing.  Her pasttimes were talking on the phone, and fantasizing about this guy.  And maybe some shopping, internet surfing and hair appointments.  I think she was looking for an escape to a new level of excitement, bc she never really had any complaints about her husband.  And he's a really great guy, at least from the outside looking in.

   Meanwhile, to make things even worse, the guy she's having an affair with  is best friends with her husband. How he can do this to his best friend is beyond me.  I always considered this guy a little more honorable than that.  I have lost total respect for him.  These two guys are together in a weekend volunteer job, and do stuff together all the time.  The guy she's having an affair with is in a lackluster marriage of his own, so for him to end it and move on would surprise no one.  But to move on to his BEST FRIEND'S WIFE???  I don't care how much he needs affection.   If you need to seek out affection, (divorce first), then do it SOMEWHERE ELSE.  Is he crazy?  This whole thing is so wrong on so many levels, I can't even start. 

   The only slight excuse I can give this guy is that my friend absolutely was throwing herself at him and making it very clear she was "game".  If all of our friends could see this as obvious, the point could not have been missed on this guy.  Nonetheless, lame excuse. 

    I have 100% solid evidence that this is going on.  I know it was consumated this last weekend.  I just don't know what to do about it.  Should I tell their spouses?  Would doing so, make things worse?   i have been spending way too much time worrying about this.  I just wish I had no clue because this is killing me.  I feel so bad for the unsuspecting other wife who has difficulty making friends, and is being used and duped into thinking she's got a good friend, when nothing could be further from the truth.  I feel so bad for the unsuspecting husband, who is really a proud guy, because everybody knows but him.  They are making a fool out of him and everyone can see that.   He is being betrayed not only by his wife, but by his best freind.  He would be so devastated if he knew.  I feel a little bit bad for my friend, bc I think she has gotten to this point bc she had no life, and now she's about to throw away EVERYTHING.  She's already thrown away her best friends, and she's about to lose her family.  A friend of ours said, "This is not going to end well."  He's right-- that's the understatement of the century.  And then finally I feel kind of bad for the other guy (the one having an affair) bc he's a big leader of our group and everyone has totally lost respect for him, and if he knew he would be so ashamed of himself.  And I think he got here bc he's looking for an "out" from his own marriage and is either too clueless as to how to deal with it or to chicken to take that final step.

     The show today reaffirmed that this is just not right--- no matter what drove them to this point.

   Help!  What should I do?

May 8, 2008, 8:09 am CDT

05/08 Is this Marriage Really Over?

Quote From: cadidone

Why do you. You have to spell everything out 25 times for a man to hear you? I am not in favor of what this woman is doing by any means! But again, why? She said to him you're losing me. He paid no attention to her and even just said well I heard you but it's not like you sat me down and said blah blah blah. Why do women have to?  Why can't a woman just say I'm having a hard time or I need attention or I'm not happy and a man actually listen?
Losing me, means I'm thinking of walking out the door, not I'm slipping into my friends husbands bed, so i can make more people  unhappy just like me!!!!!!!
May 8, 2008, 8:15 am CDT

The children KNOW

I think she is doing the right thing in the wrong way. She should leave her husband and not stay in a marriage that there is no love. I was a child of a broken marriage. Several years prior to my parents breaking up I was telling my friends my parents were divorcing. I watch my mother put her arms around my father only to watch him push her away.  Watching this hurt deeply. It also made me a stronger person. I know I don't need any man to make me happy and I am very independent. Having said that I have been married for 34 years and love my husband. In conclusion NO ONE should stay in the marriage for the children. Believe me the children know when their parent don't love each other.
May 8, 2008, 8:17 am CDT

Jason my have Asperger's Syndrome

Part of the reason Jason has been unresponsive to his wife could possibly be that he has Asperger's Syndrome.  Men who have Asperger's are usually not much interested in sex and can't empathize with how you feel at all.  They have extreme difficulties in making their wives feel loved.  It's extremely difficult to live with a man who has Asperger's because he seems so robot-like, like he has no feelings at all. Usually these men are kind and gentle and very honest, which is why women are attracted to them in the first place. Many men with Asperger's are very successful financially because of the way their brains are wired.Asperger's is a form of Autism, and supposedly about 1 out of 250 people have been diagnosed with it.  I believe about 85% of those diagnosed are men.  You can go to for more information, and click on the My Spouse Has Asperger's tab on the left side of the page. 
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