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Topic : 03/12 Let’s Talk about Sex

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Created on : Friday, March 07, 2008, 11:34:24 am
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Over 50 percent of men and only 19 percent of women say they think about it several times a day. On the average, you do it almost 100 times a year. No, you don’t have a dirty mind – the topic is SEX! With the help of renowned OB/GYN Lisa Masterson, Dr. Phil tackles sex issues, and you might be surprised at how much you can relate! First up, Jason says his wife, Sylvia, has two personalities: Sylvia the 6th grade school teacher and Sylvia the sex maniac. Can the couple find a happy medium with what goes on in their bedroom? Then, Robin and Tom have been engaged for four years but haven’t set a wedding date. Tom says there’s something his betrothed won’t do that’s keeping him from saying, "I do." Can Dr. Masterson help Robin rescue her relationship? Next, statistics show that nearly 10 percent of women never have an orgasm through sexual activity. Becki says she had her first -- and last -- in 1998. Could her problem be biological? Be there when she hears her test results after a full examination. And, meet a couple who says they have sex up to six times a day. Is there such a thing as too much? Plus, Dr. Masterson answers your most embarrassing questions about sex. Join the discussion.

Find out what happened on the show.

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March 8, 2008, 8:28 pm CST

03/12 Let’s Talk about Sex

Quote From: susielewes

My parents are 80 and 84. My parents are also my friends, and I confide in them about a lot of things. I am 55 also, and one thing you don't really like to think about is your parents having sex, but..... my mom commented on something last time they came here for a visit, and what she said to me that day REALLY surprised me. They are still actively engaged in intercourse. My dad is still interested in visiting her in her bedroom once in a while. Mom says for her, she can take it or leave it, but Dad isn't ready to call it quits. I was amazed and delighted to hear that after being married almost 62 years, they are still IN LOVE and still MAKING love! It is wonderful!!
 My parents are only in their sixties, but I think its great (though EWWW), and yes I know I wasn't found under a rock, like my kids SWEAR they were (hehe), I hope I can still do it at their age, and so can my hubby, but if not well we'll deal with it.

March 8, 2008, 8:28 pm CST

03/12 Let’s Talk about Sex

Oh boy, here we go again....everytime there's anything about sex (whether on Dr. Phil or anywhere else) there's one sexual malady that is continually ignored.  I'm going to have to throw down the gauntlet to Dr. Phil on this one - try this dysfunction on for size. 

It's called involuntary celibacy, and it does not get the recognition (and treatment, whatever that may be) that it deserves.  There are plenty who suffer from it in one form or another (and yes, there is something known informally as "marcel" - a married person who's spouse can't or won't have sex - something that may resonate a bit more), as can be seen at this site:

This particular forum is closed, but many members (including myself) have moved to other forums that are listed there on the home page.

Shows like this upcoming one on sex are analagous to home repair shows - but just imagine if instead of a leaky roof or peeling paint being your main problem - imagine you have no home at all - and never did!  Involuntary celibacy is like homelessness - no one wants to look, no one really cares, no one wants to see or know about it - and worst of all (despite the obvious) no one wants to believe anyone can suffer from it.

Pardon me if I sound a bit bitter, but for me it's hard to care about about sexual dysfunction and other sexual problems but, when when you are homeless it's tough to care about someone's broken central A/C.
Imagine you are now in your late 30's, you were sexually abused as a child, almost raped as a teen, and sexually harrassed on and off as a young adult.  There have been times in your life where you have desperately sought the romantic and physical companionship of another person, but every single time you get blown off.  Worse yet, when what few times others have hit on you, you have panic attacks!  You're almost 38, and still a virgin - never been kissed, never held hands, nothing more than some random simple dates that lead no where. If anyone thinks that this isn't a sexual dysfuntion, then they just don't know.....

But no one cares about this sort of dysfunction.  Not all involuntary celibates have my background, in fact most don't.  But we all share a common issue - when we want sex we cannot get it - no matter how hard we try.  Some of us (not me) have resorted to prostitution to lose virginity.  Imagine having to pay to get one's first experience of sexual intercourse - I can't imagine it.   I wouldn't do it, but other than that the only way I'd get sex would be to pick up some drunk at a bar....who also might be a serial killer and then they'd find my body in a ditch.

It is my opinion that this disorder needs to have way more attention.
March 8, 2008, 8:31 pm CST

03/12 Let’s Talk about Sex

Quote From: gwarrior6


Another sex show already?  I'm glad it's dealing with adults.  I always like hearing from Masterson. she's a pretty good source.


In addition to  sexual compatibility, there might be a physical or psychological component in play.  Hypoactive sexual desire disorder or inhibited SDD-


"Inhibited sexual desire (ISD) refers to a low level of sexual interest resulting in a failure to initiate or respond to sexual intimacy [...

A diagnosis of hypoactive sexual desire disorder refers to a persistent or recurring lack of desire or an absence of sexual fantasies"




"Physical illnesses and some medications may also contribute to ISD, particularly when they produce fatigue, pain, or general feelings of malaise. Hormone deficiencies may occasionally be implicated. Psychological conditions such as depression and excessive stress may inhibit sexual interest.


Commonly overlooked factors include insomnia or inadequate amounts of sleep, resulting in fatigue. ISD may also be associated with other sexual dysfunctions, and sometimes may be caused by them. For example, the woman who is unable to have orgasm or has pain with intercourse, or the man who has erection problems (impotence) or retarded ejaculation, may lose interest in sex because it is commonly associated with failure or is not very pleasurable."


It's difficult to put a definition on "too much sex", as there are people who just have a really high libido and how high is "too high"?  I can't find an exact amount that is too much- it depends on the situation and that person's partner's sex drive and compatibility.




 To be honest, I saw this show and thought "Thank Goodness" this is dealing with adults, I don't think I could deal with another board like that one.
I like Dr. Masterson too, she's very informative and down to earth and these shows do tend to be fun to watch.
March 8, 2008, 11:29 pm CST

Sexless marriage

I thought it might be interesting to make a contribution to this topic from another part of the world, the Netherlands. My husband and I have been married for almost 25 years. We met when I was 18 and he was 21. Our sexlife was great for the first few years of our marriage, but now, after 25 years, it's gone to pieces. The last time we had sex has been 7 years ago. It wasn't me that lacked interest in having sex, it was him, in a period of my life that all I wanted was to juice up our sexlife, that by that time wasn't too active anymore, all he did was reject me. I found out he had problems getting an erection, and tried talking to him about it. But everytime I brought the subject up, he felt reluctant talking about it. I suggested he went to our doctor, but he kept telling me there were no problems. I knew better though, because on the few occasions we did have sex back then, I noticed he just couldn't get an erection. Well, after about a year I stopped talking about it, and so did he. Now, 7 years later, we do sleep together, but sleep is all we get, there's no sex and hardly any intimacy. It was 5 years ago that I started seeing someone else. A man that had the same problems in his marriage. We see eachother about once a month, and I don't feel guilty about it. I think I have a right to meet my physical desires. We like eachother, we are close friends, and enjoy sex together. We don't consider our relationship a threat to our marriages. It made me wonder about sex and marriage though. Sex for me is a great way to relax, to forget about everyday issues, to me it's a physical need that I feel everybody has a right to experience in a way that makes you feel happy, whether it's once a day or once a week. AND whether it's with your husband or with someone else. Now, five years after I met my lover and dear friend, I'm in a position that I have more men in my life that feel the same way. Some call it polygamics (don't know if this is the correct translation?). Over here in the Netherlands people are much more relaxed towards having a 'free' sex life. Not everybody of course, but I meet people that feel the same way all the time. Though I'd like to discuss it with my husband, I keep it a secret for him, knowing he'd be hurt. I love my husband, that's out of the question, but as he can't or won't give it to me, and isn't willing to cope with what might be a simple physical problem, I feel I have the right to satisfy my sexual needs. To me, sex is a very important aspect of my life, and if my husband feels different about it, that's okay. I cannot change him, I can only accept the situation as it is and find my own way of coping with it and seek solutions. As Dr.Phil always says: you can't change what you don't acknowledge. As long as my husband doesn't acknowledge his problems, I nor he can change them, right? I'm happy with the life I live, my lovers are, and my husband is as well. To me sex is a wonderful way of relaxing, and I'm not bothered by guilt. I think if more people should feel that way, the divorce rate wouldn't be as high as it is now. The restriction we laid upon ourselves of having sex solely withIN a marriage, should be reconsidered I think. In my opinion marriage is great but shouldn't be so restricted. Why aren't we allowed to love and care for others also in a fysical aspect? Men and women aren't 'designed' that way, I'm deeply convinced about that.
March 9, 2008, 7:11 am CDT

03/12 Let’s Talk about Sex

Quote From: lifepath12

 I don't believe there is such a thing as too much sex as long as both parties have mutual feelings over the times a day or week to have sex. I haven't been with many partners in my life but they have all been different to the degree of how many times a week they wanted it. I may be somewhat different from some women as I was okay when it wasn't that often and am absolutely fine with my partner now who wants it every day and even more than once a day if possible.
Whatever works for your relationship as long as both agree is fine. It's when one wants it many times and the other only wants it rarely that problems begin.
I do wonder if the number of women who don't have orgasms is higher than stated at 10% as I have met many women who have admitted they have never had an orgasm? I am thankful that hasn't been my problem but I do know that unless I am truly in love with the other person, I for some reason can only have a real orgasm then. The emotion of love itself is a very important component to how often I want sex, how I feel about sex with my partner, and how free I am willing to be.


         You aren't alone.  When my partners asked me what I wanted, sexually, they never understood how important feeling loved is.  I didn't myself, until the first time "it" happened.  I'm not picky.  I just wanted to be loved and cared for.   

March 9, 2008, 7:23 am CDT

I could use some help on this subject of SEX

Hi me and my husband have been married for almost 3 years and the sex is great, however he wants to have sex everyday sometimes two or more times a day and I don't.  He has a very high sex drive and when it comes to my libido, well it's just not there!!  How can we try to come to a happy medium between two people who are so totally different when it comes to sex?
March 9, 2008, 9:21 am CDT


Marilyn Van Derbur, a native of Colorado, is one of four daughters of a prominent Denver businessman who is now deceased. Her father was on numerous boards and committees, was honored with buildings named for him, and was president of "all the college fraternities in America." Both parents were active volunteers, donating time and money to culture and civic organizations.


Marilyn's earliest memories of her father are of him entering her bed after dark. What came next was repressed for decades until Marilyn realized that her father had committed incest from the time she was five until eighteen, an estimated six hundred times.  All the while, her mother knew. Marilyn tells about her split between the "night child" victim in contrast to the "day child" over-achiever.  Anyone reading her story might experience envy for all the fame and fortune that seemed to come to her so easily and effortlessly.



Miss America By Day: Lessons Learned from Ultimate Betrayals and Unconditional Love by Marilyn Van Derbur


Switching Time:  A Doctor's Story of Treating A Woman with 17 Personalities by Richard Baer  


How to Journal for Therapy:


Healing Anxiety and Depression (7 types of anxiety and depression) by Daniel Amen and Lisa Routh OR Getting Help:  The Complete and Authoritative Guide to Self-Assessment and Treatment of Mental Health Problems by Jeffrey Wood



Marilyn's mother would often state that she had the "perfect marriage" and Marilyn was told that she was "blessed by being born into a perfect family." Marilyn was crowned Miss America while she was attending the University of Colorado in 1958. 


Marilyn suffered from physical symptoms including insomnia, tics, anxiety, and panic attacks. When her body and mind rebelled against the constant travel, she experienced full body paralysis, yet doctors found no organic cause. What else might Marilyn be rebelling against? To find the answers she had to search her mind and spirit.  The physical symptoms she had endured were a manifestation of the connection between child sexual abuse and adult ailments. 



Hope it helps!


March 9, 2008, 10:23 am CDT

Can SEX be on an intellectual level?

My s/o and I have both been totally different as far as sex drive from the first day we met 5 years ago.  I am the female in this relationship and my sex drive has always been strong and his once a month if I'm lucky!  I've never had to live feeling so unwanted, he isn't the touchy feely type of warm guy (why am I with him good question!), no hugs, no kisses just words of affection and dedication.  I believe the reason we are together is not sexual it is intellectual.  We liked one another at the very beginning and still because we both are on the same planet let's put it that way when we have conversations and communicate.  That part is fine but when it comes to sex he just isn't a physical type of man.  I honestly was taken aback by him during our very first date because after the date all he did was walk me to my car, kiss the back of my hand, told me how much he enjoyed my company and can he call me again?  Have ever heard this HECK NO!  This made him different.  He did not do the typical come back to my place or your place.  Or your so HOT baby I'd love to get my hands on you routine, he was an actual gentleman,  Those I did not think existed anymore because when I dated I got the let's go you hot mama scenario and not the gentleman.  I liked the gentleman much better and we had "intercourse" of the brain let's put it that way.  The physical part I miss so much, but I can't get through to him that he does not meet my needs.  It almost seems like he is like a little boy discussing the subject when I bring it up.  Plus when sex actually does happen, it is so basic and ordinary that I don't even like it with him.  He is of the mindset that the man is the one to be satisfied and if the woman does so be it but it is up to HER to accomplish it.  WRONG.  There is my dilemma.  I would love to hear your take on "intellectual intercourse" and about 6 times a year physical sex.

Thank you.

March 9, 2008, 11:09 am CDT

too dry...

Quote From: photogal66

I had a complete hysterectomy in 1997 (10 1/2 years ago). I am a married woman with a husband I really love and that treats me well. After my hysterectomy, I lost all interest in sex and it has actually become very painful to have intercourse because of my extremely dry vagina. I have tried everything! I couldn't be on hormones for very long as I have a history of breast cancer in my family. I have tried herbal remedies, a kind of hormonal sponge, and nothing seems to work. Even testorone doesn't work. What can I do? My husband misses this aspect of our marriage as do I. What can we do? Thanks for your help.


I had this problem too (when I was married) for the same reason.  We used a LOT of KY jelly!  Sometimes we had to stop and use more, but managed.  Hope you find help.


March 9, 2008, 3:27 pm CDT

I agree

Quote From: derevna33


         You aren't alone.  When my partners asked me what I wanted, sexually, they never understood how important feeling loved is.  I didn't myself, until the first time "it" happened.  I'm not picky.  I just wanted to be loved and cared for.   


I agree.  I'd rather have quality (or feeling loved) than quanitity any day.

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