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Topic : 05/30 "Butt Out!"

Number of Replies: 275
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Created on : Friday, January 11, 2008, 01:07:38 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date 01/18/08) Do you have someone in your life who’s so annoying and frustrating that you just want him or her to go away? What do you do when that person is your ex and the parent of your children? Todd says his ex-wife, Nicholle, needs to butt out of his life, even though they share custody of their two daughters. He says he’s tired of her showing up unannounced, so she can be with the girls when it isn’t her time. Nicholle says Todd and his new wife, Michelle, fail to keep her informed about the girls -- like the time their little girl was in the emergency room. Both parents agree that the girls feel upset every time they have to go to their dad’s house. Cameras capture a typical custody exchange. What is the cause of the chaos? Dr. Phil points out the mistakes these divorced parents are making as he tries to get to the bottom of the threats and name-calling. Can these co-parents learn how to get along with each other for the sake of the kids? Then, meet a mother who hates her son-in-law so much, she refuses to have a relationship with her own daughter unless she divorces him. They face off for the first time in three years. Talk about the show here.

Find out what happened on the show.

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January 18, 2008, 8:28 pm CST

((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))

Quote From: strem102106

Maybe this time my message will be posted.

 

My name is Michelle and I am the wife involved in this story. I appreciate all (almost all) of the comments left by others. I now realize how many people are involved in similar situations. Todd, Nicholle, and I went on the show with the hopes of being able to be better parents to the children involved.  When we first left the show we thought that it had been a complete waste of time. We didn't think that any of it did any good. What we didn't know was that the advice that Dr. Phil had given to us would stick with us even after we returned home.  After we got home, Todd, Nicholle, myself, and Jim (Nicholle's fiance) got together with no kids around and spent a substancial amount of time talking about the Dr. Phil experience. We all decided that we needed to shape up. We knew that we had hit rock bottom and that if things were not settled immediatly they would get worse. That was the point that we all finally realized that we needed to grow up. We all knew that the only people that were getting hurt in the situation were the two kids. None of us wanted to hurt them anymore, they had been through enough.

I am very happy to report that Todd, Nicholle, and I have worked together to put all differences aside. No more battles, no more cops at our houses, no more name calling.  We all work together to be the best parents that we can be to the girls.  There are no more fights between us all and the girls are much happier. They both are very excited to visit both mommy and daddys houses. They have even commented on how happy they are now that mommy and daddy don't fight. They have that right. Shame on us for taking that away from them in the beginning. You have to want to change. We all desperatly wanted the change, we were too stuck on hating each other. We will never have that time back, but what we will have now are two very happy girls with two sets of parents that love them very much and care enough to want to make a change for them.  

Nicholle and I have started our relationship over from scratch. We communicate very well together now, so well that sometimes we call just to talk, even if it has nothing to do with the kids. We get together for coffee and look back on everything and are so glad that we are no longer that way. We share information about the girls no matter whose week it is.

 What a blessing in disguse the Dr Phil show was, it was an answer to many prayers. 

To those of you with similar problems:

Please work out your differences for the sake of the children. Like Dr Phil said, be their hero. I can't tell you how much happier these girls are, and all it took was for all of their parents to get along. You have the power to change the situation, do it! Don't waste time in doing it. Use our testimony as a tool, know that there is hope.

 

Michelle, Todd and Nicholle,

You have been blessed~

I am so glad to hear things are now good for the children and the adults.

 

I am the mother of Nick Markowitz, my son was kidnapped and murdered in 2000.

 

The movie Alpha Dog kind of tells the story, as best as they could without legally talking to us about it. My step children lived in such chaos, going back and forth with all those stupid games. It was so unfair. Don't get me wrong I tried to settle it down, work it out with his ex but for what ever reason it never lasted.

 

May you all have many good memories to put into your hearts, and into scrapbooks!

 

In_Memory_Of_Nicholas

 

Nick's Mom

Susan Markowitz

 

 
January 18, 2008, 8:47 pm CST

Butt OUT

 I can totally sympathize when it comes to not liking your son in law.  I started out loving mine, as was ecstatic when they got married.  I was there when my grandson was born and spent a lot of time at their home.  He and I exercise walked  everyday.  Then on Christmas night 2004 he went with my husband to a neighbor's house, he walked back  to our home drunk, started a fight with my daughter and when I tried to stop him from driving home drunk, he called my daughter a slut and a whore.  When he got home he called for 2 hrs and harrassed us and told me what a terrible parent I was.  Later that day he and my son were involved in an accident, my son was driving and my son in law wasn't wearing a seat belt, he got banged up and was treated and released from the hospital.  Thier marriage was rocky from that point on.  My daughter got pregnant and he talked her into having her labor induced so he could go on on a business trip.  He left 1 week after she had the baby, leaving her with a 2 yr old and a newborn.  She ended up with an infection and I had to take care of them all while he golfed with his work buddies.  They  separated in the summer of 06 he was verbally abusive and while he didn't hit her, he threw things and  put holes in the walls and he put his hand through a window. She took him back and he filed a lawsuit against my son that same year.  It is sched for court 04/08.  He is a liar, she snooped through my computer files for info for the lawsuit.  he also hit my other daughter's boyfriend in the mouth and tried to say it wasn't his fault.  He has injuries that didn't start until he filed the lawsuit.  We also found out that he cheated on her when she was pregnant with their first child.  He blamed me for him quitting his job ( I had him taken off our account, he was my sales rep at the place where I work).  Nothing is ever his fault.  We have caught him in so many lies.  We don't even bother to tell our daughter anymore.  We weren't allowed to see our grandchildren for 4 months.  We keep quiet now just so we can see them.  She says we all overeacted when the lawsuit was filed,she has also said that he filed it to teach our son a lesson, because he didn't apologize after the accident.  He hasn't been here in almost 2 yrs and as far as I'm concerned he is dead.  He doesn't have to worry about coming back to our home.  HE IS NOT WELCOME!  My husband talks to him just to keep the peace but I am done with that.  Good luck. I know how it feels. 
 
January 18, 2008, 9:00 pm CST

Butt Out

Quote From: cndrlla

Oh, here's a message for Todd:  Awww...you don't like paying child support....TOUGH!!  You're ex didn't make those babies all by herself, so you don't get to get off scott free just because you decide you don't like her anymore! There's no free lunch!

 

You aren't paying child support just to your ex, you dingbat! You are paying for your children to eat, be clothed, have a roof over their heads, medical care and all the other things that go along with having children....or maybe you'd feel better if the state took care of them and they all live in poverty on welfare?

 

I see your new wife is pregnant. I sure hope you don't get tired of her one of these days and then gripe about paying her child support, too.

 

Here's a thought: if you don't want to support your children, DON'T HAVE THEM!!

 

Man up, little boy, and shut up about the child support and all the other petty things you ALL whined about on the show!

 

You ALL need to love those children more than you hate each other....make a peaceful life for THEM and put your own selfish desires on the back burner until they are grown!

 

 It doesnt sound like Todd is complaining about taking care of his kids, how many dads even want joint custody. It makes me wonder what type of mother even agrees to joint custody in the first place.  He isnt asking to get off scott free, just some fairness in support issues. Why isnt she working? Her kids are of school age, what else does she do all day?

 

It takes two to tango so I am sure that Nicholle had something to do with the divorce. For not knowing their whole story, you sure sound angry at Todd.

 

 

 
January 18, 2008, 9:27 pm CST

I hate my daughter's boyfriend

The mom that hates her son-in-law has all my sympathy.  If the daughter loves him so much, why did they run off and elope.  I did the same thing years ago.  I KNEW that it was wrong and that my parents wouldn't approve. It felt wrong when I was doing it and it did eventually end up in divorce.  My daughter could be this mom's daughter.  She is so "in love" with this guy that she is livng with.  They aren't married yet because he is already married.  His wife is demanding a divorce and I know that as soon as those papers are finalized, my daughter will marry this idiot.  He is sneaking, lying, manipulative, and doesn't appreciate anything that is done for him.  I try to keep the line of communication open between my daughter and myself, but I can only talk to her when HE allows it.  He has isolated her far away and strands her in the house with no vehicle and only spends money on what he wants.  So I have to call his cell phone to try to talk to her.  It absolutely breaks my heart that she is listening to him instead of everyone else.  But I've stepped back and decided to allow him to cut his own throat with her.  I just wish that he would hurry up and get it done!
 
January 18, 2008, 11:14 pm CST

Children often tell parents what they want to hear.

When caught in the middle of a battle between their parents, many chidren will try to care for the parent by saying what the parent wants to hear.  My mother hated my father and if I said I had a good time with him, she would get very angry and take it out on me.  I quickly learned to say that I had a horrible time with my dad, said he was mean to me even though it was not true.  It is possible that the father spanked the girls with a belt, but it is also possible that the girls were just saying that to meet the needs of the mom.  I doubt that Dr. Phil failed to note the children's comments.
 
January 19, 2008, 12:23 am CST

No Kidding!

Quote From: judyjudge

Pls mom stay out of your daughters marriage..Husbands come w/papers and they go w/papers.  You have to have a license to have one and  more papers to get rid of one...your child is your child forever..I know b/c my 23 yr old daughter is in her 3rd marriage and I have sill just 1 daughter and one   day your daughter might need you more than ever.
     I agree w/ you, judyjudge that Elizabeth's mom should stay out of her daughter's marriage. I know it's hard when your daughter comes to you w/ complaints about her husband, but it's normal for a young woman to vent to her mom. A mom has to be able to listen and sympathize w/o turning totally against the guy. Difficult, I know, but it helps if she realizes that her daughter will soon make up w/ her husband and see things differently. (Of course, in abuse cases, it's a different story.)
    Also, I don't know why the mom and her family are blaming Alfredo for the elopement. Elizabeth is a grown woman and, apparently, she eloped w/ him of her own free will. He did not  "take her away."  I imagine she did it b/c the family wouldn't accept him. Maybe she thought that would change once they were officially married and that was that. But instead she found more of the same -- w/her mom trying to pressure her into a divorce!
    I think it's key that the mom keeps saying her daughter used to be her "best friend." So great to be close to your daughter, but maybe they were too close? Perhaps the mom's a little jealous of her daughter's relationship w/ her husband? But trying to force a breakup will only drive the daughter further away. The only way to renew her relationship w/ Elizabeth is to accept and, eventually,  embrace her marriage. For better or worse, in modern American society, your son or daughter's spouse is not your choice to make.

 
January 19, 2008, 12:33 am CST

Child Abuse?

Quote From: oakcomifoc

I think you have hit that nail on the head.

 

This guy does sound abusive to the children.

     I also was surprised that Dr. Phil did not address this issue. Maybe the girls are exaggerating. Perhaps they are just grping about their b/c they sense it pleases their mom. But still the issue seemed to need attention. I realize Phil wanted to focus on the overall issue which was the tug-of-war between theadults, but still  this is important, too.
 
January 19, 2008, 1:03 am CST

"BUTT OUT"

FIRST LET ME SAY "NICOLLE AND TODD, I HAVE BEEN THERE AND OH WHAT A BATTLE YOU HAVE". IM THE BLESSED MOTHER OF 4, SOME CALL IT BEING A STEP PARENT BUT I DONT.  ALL TOGETHER WE HAVE 6 KIDS, LIKE I SAID 4 FROM HIM, 1 FROM MY PREVIOUS MARRIAGE AND ONE TOGETHER. MY BLESSED CHILDRENS MOTHER, WELL I DONT EVEN KNOW WHERE TO START. FROM THE BEING NEITHER ONE OF THEM WAS THE BEST PARENTS. MY HUSBAND MOVED OUT AND MOVED ON. WE STARTED OUR RELATIONSHIP AND BUTTING OUT WAS THE HARDEST THING FOR ME TO DO WHEN I SEEN WHAT SHE DID TO THESE CHILDREN. SHE USED THEM AS PAWNS FOR EVERYTHING AND AGIANST EVERYONE. SHE USED DRUGS INFRONT OF THEM, HAD SEX WITH THEM RIGHT THERE AND THE STORIES COULD GO ON. WE FINIALLY AFTER MANY DCFS COMPLAINTS AGIANST HER AND THEM TAKING THE KIDS AWAY AND GIVING THEM BACK MANY TIMES,  HIRED AN ATTORNEY AND STARTED FIGHTING FOR CUSTODY. THEY GAVE US THE FIRST TWO, THE OLDEST AND A COUPLE OF MONTHS LATER GAVE US THE LITTLEST ONES. WE HAVE NOW HAD THEM FOR 5 YRS. SHE HAS SEEN THEM 5 TIMES. SHE MISSED OUT ON THE OLDEST ONE GRADUATING FROM BOOT CAMP AND A.I.T FOR THE ARMY RESERVES, I WAS THERE. SHE HAS MISSED OUT ON THE YOUNGEST LEARNING TO PLAY THE TRUMPET. WITH THE GIRLS SHE HAS MISSED OUT ON PROMS, FIRST LOVES AND THE SPORTS THEY ARE INVOLVED IN.

BASICALLY BUTTING OUT IS HARD WHEN YOU KNOW IN YOUR HEART OF HEARTS THAT WHAT IS GOING ON IS WRONG. IM NOT SAYING DRAG THE CHILDREN THROUGH THE MUD BUT YOU MAY HAVE TO ASK THOSE QUESTIONS. DONT PRY OR PUT THE THOUGHT THERE. ALSO DONT STOOP TO THE OTHER PARENTS LEVEL OF NAME CALLING INFRONT OF THE KIDS, THAT WAS A BIG PROBLEM IN OUR SITUATION. LOVE THE KIDS MOST OF ALL AND LET THEM KNOW THAT WHAT IS GOING ON ISNT THEIR FAULT. SOME TIMES ADULTS CANT GET ALONG AND ITS OK. MAYBE THIS LITTLE PART OF MY STORY WILL HELP SOMEONE.

I LATER DID READ THAT THINGS ARE GREAT FOR ALL INVOLVED,,,,,, THAT IS WONDERFUL AND I BET THE GIRLS FEEL100% BETTER ABOUT THEMSELVES. GOD BLESS KIM

 
January 19, 2008, 5:49 am CST

Butt Out

I am the stepmother of 2 boys and my husband and I have custody. I understand the frustrations of the visitation and back and forth pull between the kids. One thing all have to realize is the rules are different at both homes and the other parent should not pry of what happens at one home virus the other. Unless of course there are safety issues at hand.

 

We have all the discipline, where the mother has all the fun. The kids look forward to going over to mom's and watching unlimited TV, playing unlimited video games, eating out all weekend(not a proper diet for kids fast food and soda), shopping(spending hours at stores and running wild), staying up till 2AM and sleeping till when ever. Internet access is a constant battle. We had issues in the past and now one of us must be with the kids and sitting right next to them. At their mothers, they have unsupervised access. We have to instill values, chores, tackle homework, school issues, manners, and need I go on. I am home with the boys and do not work. We decided they needed some one home, but we also do not get to SPOIL them, since we have a responsibility to teach them to be a civil, well mannered and educated part of society.

 

We often feel hurt because we are not able to purchase the things they want because mom will or we can not have the fun on the level of the irresponsible parent. We have responsibilities as parents and I hope they understand the sacrifices we made and make everyday, but at this time they are bitter to points with us.

 

I personally do not speak with their mother any longer and it has made my life much less stressful. My husband handles all correspondence due to her tampering in our life and the disrespect she has shown towards me. I think it makes it more difficult at times, but seems to work the best. Hang in there because this is not an easy situation, but it is worth knowing you have put everything you can into raising the kids the best way possible. So you take a few low blows, keep your cool and hold your head up. You are doing the right thing, no matter how angry you are at the other parent.

 
January 19, 2008, 6:02 am CST

Fractured Family

I am living the Fractured Family life.

         Jean had many perverted ideas like she was cheated when I was born because I was suppose to be a girl.  So I was rejected at birth and my salvation was to do what she told me when she told me with absolute obedience.  It was my duty to be her slave and raise baby.  I was supposed not to marry or have children because they would come between her total dominance of me.  I was to be her life long working slave as one of her sisters did for their mother.  The extended family agreed with her.  Also there was a greedy much younger brother who wanted us out of Jeans life.  Jean was mentally ill and they used that against her and us.  The same mental illness shows up in other family members also.  So the local family members circulated lies about us, failed to circulate the many good deeds we had done, and we were spurned.  I have a lot of perverted, hateful, mean spirited, vicious, family members.  They have perverted different standards for me than they have for themselves.  These lies of theirs are perpetual and going into the next generations and there is nothing we can do about it.  It has been sixty plus years of hell for me to deal with these rotten people.

 
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