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Topic : 05/30 "Butt Out!"

Number of Replies: 275
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Created on : Friday, January 11, 2008, 01:07:38 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date 01/18/08) Do you have someone in your life who’s so annoying and frustrating that you just want him or her to go away? What do you do when that person is your ex and the parent of your children? Todd says his ex-wife, Nicholle, needs to butt out of his life, even though they share custody of their two daughters. He says he’s tired of her showing up unannounced, so she can be with the girls when it isn’t her time. Nicholle says Todd and his new wife, Michelle, fail to keep her informed about the girls -- like the time their little girl was in the emergency room. Both parents agree that the girls feel upset every time they have to go to their dad’s house. Cameras capture a typical custody exchange. What is the cause of the chaos? Dr. Phil points out the mistakes these divorced parents are making as he tries to get to the bottom of the threats and name-calling. Can these co-parents learn how to get along with each other for the sake of the kids? Then, meet a mother who hates her son-in-law so much, she refuses to have a relationship with her own daughter unless she divorces him. They face off for the first time in three years. Talk about the show here.

Find out what happened on the show.

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May 30, 2008, 7:41 pm CDT

I can relate to the kids!

My parents never got married, and I know exactly how the children feel.  I am now 13 and I remember pleading to my mom, "Please don't make me go to dad's house!"  My parent fought, and I had to witness my dad ans his newest girlfriend gang up on my mother.  She calls a lot, but I like to hear her voice about two times a day, even now, when I go to my dad's house every other weekend.  My father also always says hes not going to pay the child support because I never want to see him.  My mom always encouraged me to go to my dad's house, but there was always something in me that just wanted MOMMY!  The mother, Nicholle, I believe, feels scared (just like my mom) every time she has to send her kids off to their father.  One thing that made me post this blog is the video of the children in the car, where they said daddy spanks me.  I remember my dad spanking me as a punishment, where my mom handled thing with caring and calm actions.  I have sided with Nicholle one this one because I know how she feel from watching my mother go through this.
 
May 30, 2008, 8:06 pm CDT

Love not hate

This  is in responce to the mother in law that hates the fact that her daughter is married to someone that she doesn't approve of. I have a daughter that I too do not like the person she has chosen to have a baby with. I have no use for him. And I have good reason. He is a baby making idiot. He has 3 all under the age of 1. He says he didn't cheat on my daughter but, I can tell you otherwise. The best way to get along with someone that your son or daughter is with is in my opinion realize that the love you have for your child is more then the hate you have for thier signifigant other..Just because your child can't see what you see isn't any reason to abandon the relationship you have with your child. That should be made clear between your child and thier mate. You can still have a healthy relationship with your kids without having to deal with thier mate. You can set standards and hopefully your kids will abide with them.. If for some reason you have to be in the same room with them for any amount of time then you will have to keep telling yourself that you love your child that is the only reason that you are being civil at that time..The whole thig basicly means that if your child wants to keep the relationship you have together then you need to discuss the whole thing..If it is important enough for you then it will work itself out. I know that I made it perfectly clear to my daughter that she was the one and the only one that could and would prevent us from having a relationship....
 
May 30, 2008, 8:21 pm CDT

Child support

First of all, I have to say that I don't completely understand why the bio-mom doesn't have a job. I wish that would have been discussed a little, yet it wasn't the point of the show.

 

Secondly, I don't know how child support works in all states, but I doubt that Michelle's income is going to the bio-mom directly. Her money may be taking care of household expenses because the dad's money is reduced, but child support is generally based on the bio-parent's income - not the household income. So the claim that "Michelle is working her butt off so you can sit on yours" is not fair. Michelle is working to support her household. He needs to support his kids - if he was still married to bio-mom, his money would be supporting them then....he needs to view this the same as that.

 

It is possible that bio-mom is staying home with her kids to avoid paying child care, using the child support to sustain her household. I can't comment if that is "right" or "wrong". If people judge that is wrong, then they would have to consider any stay-at-home parent lazy. I think it is possible, that if she went to work, any child support she received would just go to the day care...

 
May 30, 2008, 8:36 pm CDT

05/30 "Butt Out!"

Quote From: ejsmom94

This  is in responce to the mother in law that hates the fact that her daughter is married to someone that she doesn't approve of. I have a daughter that I too do not like the person she has chosen to have a baby with. I have no use for him. And I have good reason. He is a baby making idiot. He has 3 all under the age of 1. He says he didn't cheat on my daughter but, I can tell you otherwise. The best way to get along with someone that your son or daughter is with is in my opinion realize that the love you have for your child is more then the hate you have for thier signifigant other..Just because your child can't see what you see isn't any reason to abandon the relationship you have with your child. That should be made clear between your child and thier mate. You can still have a healthy relationship with your kids without having to deal with thier mate. You can set standards and hopefully your kids will abide with them.. If for some reason you have to be in the same room with them for any amount of time then you will have to keep telling yourself that you love your child that is the only reason that you are being civil at that time..The whole thig basicly means that if your child wants to keep the relationship you have together then you need to discuss the whole thing..If it is important enough for you then it will work itself out. I know that I made it perfectly clear to my daughter that she was the one and the only one that could and would prevent us from having a relationship....

You're right.......the fastest way to lose your child is to attack the person they've chosen to share their life with..(for however long that lasts!) All this does is force your child to defend that person...and their decision...even when they know in their heart that this person isn't right for them!)

 

There's a good article you should read called "In-laws...and Outlaws" at www.nononsensegrammytree.blogspot.com that should give you some common sense ideas on how to deal with the situation you are in....

 

Good luck!

 
May 30, 2008, 8:42 pm CDT

EXCELLENT!

Quote From: love_to_watch

 I got divorced a few years ago and we had 1 son.  I wrote my own divorce giving us joint custody.  However, we had a trust issue with each other because we lived in South Carolina and all my family was in Ohio, and he had a habit of just up and moving.  I put a clause in our visitation saying that we had to live within 30 miles of each other until our son turned 18 so that neither of us could interfere with the others visitation rights.  We both agreed that if we had a problem with each other it would be handled away from our son.  I couldn't stand my ex's new wife and she couldn't stand me.  My new husband didn't like the agreement I had with my ex but if he wanted to be married to me he had to accept it.  One thing me and my ex understood was that our son was not a game piece.  My son turned 18 this month and he is a wonderful young man with a lot of respect for his mom and dad.  And as far as child support, we split everything 50/50.  I grew up seeing my divorced parents not getting along and always putting each other down.  Just because my ex and me couldn't get along it didn't make us any less a parent.  I have always told my son what a good dad he has.  Maybe I'm just one of the lucky ones but I will never understand why people would want to hurt their children just to make the other mad.  Raising my son has been a blessing having his dad to back me on decisions and me backing him.  My son never had the opportunity to play us against each other because if it involved our son the decision was mutual.  Grow up parents, if you don't love each other anymore that's fine, but it doesn't mean that your children don't still love you both.

Good for you and your ex!

 

If only more parents would handle divorce, custody,  visitation and child support issues in such a responsible way, there'd be such a fewer number of messed-up kids.....which would make all of society so much better!

 
May 30, 2008, 9:05 pm CDT

Oh So True

I, too, am a step-mom dealing with an ex.  My stepdaughter has lived with us for 7 and a half yrs.  She is almost 17, and things have not been easy.  There is always something going on and if there isn't it is coming soon.  My husband and his ex don't even speak.  I do all the communicating if there is any.  I saw many similarities between my life and many others who have commented.  The lack of compliance in paying child support, lack of participation in school activities, the list goes on, but of course we are the bad guys.  Thankfully though, when I lay my head on my pillow at night, I can say I have done my best for my stepdaughter, and if enduring the turmoil is what it takes, I'll do it.  She is such a wonderful child, and it is hard to associate her with her mother, I won't lie, but she is becoming such a young lady now.  My only advice would be focus on the children.  You made the bad choices, and they had no say.  They are always going to love their biological parents, and they will come to love their stepparents too, if you love them more than your ego.  Things will never be perfect in these situations, but they can be doable if you are willing to lay aside your needs for the child's needs.  Now, if there is a danger in the other parents home, by all means something needs to be done, but don't create drama.  It is just plain tiring!  I won't babble any longer.  Just remember this...love your kids, create a healthy environment in your home, and leave the others to fight with themselves. 
 
May 30, 2008, 9:10 pm CDT

You GO Girl!

Quote From: love_to_watch

 I got divorced a few years ago and we had 1 son.  I wrote my own divorce giving us joint custody.  However, we had a trust issue with each other because we lived in South Carolina and all my family was in Ohio, and he had a habit of just up and moving.  I put a clause in our visitation saying that we had to live within 30 miles of each other until our son turned 18 so that neither of us could interfere with the others visitation rights.  We both agreed that if we had a problem with each other it would be handled away from our son.  I couldn't stand my ex's new wife and she couldn't stand me.  My new husband didn't like the agreement I had with my ex but if he wanted to be married to me he had to accept it.  One thing me and my ex understood was that our son was not a game piece.  My son turned 18 this month and he is a wonderful young man with a lot of respect for his mom and dad.  And as far as child support, we split everything 50/50.  I grew up seeing my divorced parents not getting along and always putting each other down.  Just because my ex and me couldn't get along it didn't make us any less a parent.  I have always told my son what a good dad he has.  Maybe I'm just one of the lucky ones but I will never understand why people would want to hurt their children just to make the other mad.  Raising my son has been a blessing having his dad to back me on decisions and me backing him.  My son never had the opportunity to play us against each other because if it involved our son the decision was mutual.  Grow up parents, if you don't love each other anymore that's fine, but it doesn't mean that your children don't still love you both.
I wish my situation was as good as yours.  I am actually the step-mom, but I totally agree.  If people would grow up the kids would have a better chance.  Unfortunately, you and your family are a rareity it seems.  Thanks for the hope you can give us all!
 
May 30, 2008, 9:27 pm CDT

Step-moms are people too!

Quote From: witaness

I was shocked to read such an unenlightened position on this board!

 

Please remember that this woman married a man with kids and an ex-wife.  I don't know, but somehow or another, I don't think he surprised her with them.  She knew that there was a bio-mom in the picture.  I don't believe that she is attempting to marginalize the bio-mom.

 

Additionally, you should remember that the children are in her house twenty-six weeks out of the year.  She may not be the bio-parent, but as someone who has a vested interest in whether or not her family works -- she must parent the children to some degree.

 

Children don't ask for a lot of things that we force on them.  For example, dentist visits, teachers who make them sit down and do a hard assignment and be quiet, brussel sprouts, are all things that children -- as a rule -- didn't ask for in their lives. 

 

To expect the stepmother to maintain a role as the father's wife without any interaction with her stepchildren is unreasonable and could be detrimental in the long run.  Among stepmothers, it is called disengaging and is done, usually, as a last resort. 

 

Finally, she may not be the mother of those two little girls, she is going to be the mother of their half-sister.  This woman, the stepmother, has a valid and legitimate right to be with her stepchildren and involved in their lives.

As a step-mother, I have to say thank you. 

 
May 30, 2008, 10:17 pm CDT

Mom needs a hobby or a man

She needs something to fill her time. She is totally dependent on her children, without their presense she loses all identity so she gloms onto them like gum on the bottom of a shoe. What little the girls said was obviously coached. Mom wants to control where they go, what they do, what they say and who they get along with and the same for her  ex and his life.  

 I'm a mom and I was a single mother for years so I'm not biased on the father's side. But I too would like to know why this woman isn't working/ Why when she only has her children 2 weeks out of the month does she not work, why is Dad paying any child support at all? I understand Dr Phil's point that this shouldn't be an issue. It is what it is. The mother made a point to sneak a comment in about it being the judge's decision but it isn't. All she has to do is agree to a reduction or elimination but she so obviously fights both.  That's a new one, a stay at home mom who dosn't even have her children at home anymore than 2 weeks every month to be at home with.

The father does have to stop letting bitterness about this sneak into his relationship with his girls but it's one more reason to dislike this mother. She makes us all look bad and I'm embarrassed to share a gender and status.

I dislike anyone who uses their children and she so clearly does so. She has no intention of taking Dr Phil's advice because she has still not accepted responsibilty for her roll in this mess and she is the instigator. Dad may not be perfect but this woman is a passive/aggressive manipulator and exceptionally controlling. Her daughters will one day hate her, it makes me so sad for the children. 

 
May 31, 2008, 3:49 am CDT

"Butt Out"

All the parents should have an active part in the children's lives. However, the step parent is responsible for making sure the bio parent is not left out or uninformed of any event in the children's lives.

 

I am in this type of situation with my ex. When I had full custody he could see our daughter any time he wanted or call, his parents would come by to visit and all occasions were celebrated together. He or his parents didn't want to take her without me because they were afraid to change her diaper or feed her.  I wanted our daughter to know that we could not be married but that didn't mean we couldn't get along.When I got pregnant he told me I was on my own, so I left him and had the baby. When he decided he wanted to be a part of her life I was fine with that.

 

To make a long story short (12 years) , he remarried and started  taking me to court. $50,000 later I could not fight any more and lost custody. I was given visitation Wednesday to Monday every other week. In January she was to return to my house for visitation and he would not allow her to come. She is now not permitted to talk to me on the phone or see me. I tried every legal resource but no one can help me because our court order did not give exact dates of the visits.

 

I went on Mother's Day to pick her up - his driveway is now posted with a NO TRESPASSING sign and Beware of Dog sign. I was worried he might try to have me arrested. When she came to the door, he stood directly beside her with a proud smerk as she said she hated me and that she never wanted to see me again. She said she now considers her step mother more her mother because I  was so cruel.

 

It makes me so sad that he is teaching her these things. I wish I could get help for her. Does anyone have any ideas?

 
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