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Topic : Betrayal

Number of Replies: 232
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Thursday, July 07, 2005, 09:19:05 am
Author : dataimport
What do you do when a trusted friend stabs you in the back? Give them a chance to explain? Or end the friendship?

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August 5, 2006, 12:54 am CDT

Losing friend over a boyfriend

I'm posting because I feel like I am losing one of my best friends to a new boyfriend of hers.  They started dating 3 months ago and since he quit his job (about a week and a half ago) I've hardly seen her at all.  She used to spend every moment that she could with him before, also, but he had a job that took up a lot of his time so I still got to see her.  We used to spend time together several times a week. 

 

It really started to bother me this last week because we made plans to spend the afternoon together one day and when I called her that day and asked her when she wanted to come over to spend time with me, she said she didn't know and that she would call me and let me know.  Then, after I waited all afternoon to hear from her I tried calling her.  She didn't answer, and then she finally called me late in the evening to tell me she had been with her boyfriend and asked if she could see me then.  I said okay and I later found out that she only came to visit me because her boyfriend left to hang out with other friends and she left in the middle of a get-together when a few friends came over later because he had gotten home and she wanted to see him again.  I didn't bother to call her because I was pretty sure she'd be with him until two days later and she called me to spend time with me...I found out that again her boyfriend had gone out with friends and she again left to see him immediately when he called her to tell her he'd come home.  I feel like I'm being used to keep her company when her boyfriend can't be around and that she wouldn't take even a minute from the hours of time that she sees him every day to come spend time with me.  I have also tried to ask if he would like to go on double dates with her and me and my husband so that she could still spend time with him but he never wants to (he's not very social).  And not only does she spend very little time with me now, but she does not talk to me anymore.  She says that she can share more with him than anyone and is very closed off to me.  It hurts because I have been her friend for over two years and never once in that time betrayed her trust, and I want to be there for her as a friend and I want her to confide in me.

 

Also, I am very worried that she is not in a good relationship but am afraid to tell her because whenever anyone even so much as hints that she and her boyfriend might not be together forever and get married she gets very upset.  She's a very sensitive person and I am afraid to hurt her.  It's not that I think that the guy is a mean person, but I don't think they are a very good match.  He is a Mormon and very conservative, while she is liberal and the last person I would expect to see in a Mormon church (or any other church for that matter).  Even though they have only been dating for a few months, she has already had many fights with him because he wants her to convert to Mormonism.  He is also pushing her to marry him very soon (in the next few months) and he told her he loves her on the second date and started talking to her about marrying her around that time.  I thought that she would tell him to slow it down but she says she likes it because he is making her feel "safe".  I am afraid that because this is her first real relationship and because she has had some very rough experiences with guys that she is going to commit to him because she is desperate for a relationship.  But they don't agree on anything from politics to religion and neither is willing to compromise or budge.  I think that both of them would be happier with someone that shared their views.

 

Finally, the way they act around eachother when I do see them is very worrisome.  Not only is it annoying and uncomfortable for everyone around them, but they make out and grope eachother in front of other people constantly.  They don't seem to talk to each other much and when they do, it seems very superficial (they only joke around with each other).  In fact, they were making out and acting like this even at my wedding (where I had this friend as my maid of honor) and I have been having guests for weeks comment to me that they were all over eachother, that it made them uncomfortable, and that they were acting like they are silly high school children.  I just get the feeling that the relationship is very fake and superficial.  They both are keeping a hope alive that the other will change:  he hopes that she will convert to Mormonism, while she thinks that now that he will be finally going to college that he will become more liberal and open-minded.  However, they are both so stubborn that I don't see that happening and I feel they like eachother for what they think the other person could become...not what they are.

 

I am very hurt and am not sure if I should confront her or give my friendship to others that would want it.  I don't know if I would have ever been her friend if I knew that this is how she treats her friends once she finds a guy.  If anyone could give me any advice I would really appreciate it.

 
August 11, 2006, 2:28 pm CDT

RE

Quote From: suvluve

My name is Jane and I have this really great circle of friends,or so I thought.
One of my girlfriends "Sally" has  suddenly begun singling me out and treating me as though I am a child. She talks down to me and at times when I am talking she shushes me or gives me the "talk to the hand" sign.

 

Last week my friends had a surprise party for me and instead of buying me a gift,"Sally" latched on to another person's gift because she said "I didn't want to drive 45 mintues to the party and also have to come up with a gift and card".
Then later I find out from others she didn't really want to come to the party but she was convinced (more like brow beaten) into coming.

 

 It really "hit home" when she planned a weekend retreat for everyone and I wasn't invited,my friend "Jill" told me in confidence that Sally said (vehemently) " Jane is NOT invited,I DO NOT want her there".  I am at a loss as to what I should do..I can't confront Sally as "Jill" told me this in confidence.. so I've just been going a long with everything,hanging out with my friends and acting as though I'm clueless.

 My husband says as a "neutral party" it appears to him as though "Sally" could possibly be working an angle to eventually remove me from the "circle"  of friends but, why would a grown woman pull such a stupid high school prank,and why me and not someone else in our group of friends?? I have been nothing but kind and caring and a true friend that has been there for her through everything. 

 

Ask her staight up what her problem is.  The reason that stupid high school pranks are so effective is because high school girls tend to "just go along with everything" rather then stand up for themselves.
 
August 13, 2006, 12:35 pm CDT

being betrayed

Quote From: jennigal

Found this site during a google search -- surprised and not surprised about it. Wonder what Dr. Phil would say

See Link
 I lost my husband in February.  February 8th and I buried him the day before Valentines Day.  For Valentines Day I got his funeral bill (what a present ha ha).  He had an old will and even though we were together for almost 21 years we were only married almost 5 years.  His oldest daughter was the executrix of his will.  She told me the day of the funeral that they would take the insurance money and I could have the house.  I was not living in the house we were living where I worked six hours away.  I was attacked the last of April and was in the hospital for two days and three days later I got a letter from an attorney that his oldest daughter was wanting me to move out and move out the furniture and clean up the place they were going to sell it.  I was working 6 hours away teaching and I had used up all of my sick time for Jim and they were taking money out of my check to pay for a substitute because I had used up all of my sick time for Jim.  His two daughters in California was writing me and asking how I was doing.  Then because I blew up and wrote to them how nasty it was of them they quit writing e-mailing.  I called his one sister and she said that because of my daughter she thought it was all right for them to through me out into the street.  My daughter had been in jail because of identity theft she did on my husband.  She got out and I am letting her stay at the house to mow the yard and pay the utilities on the house up there. We were paying utilities at both places because of Jim and going to his doctors up there where we used to live.  They had not doctors down here that had his medical history for a while.  I just feel so betrayed by his family.  I have done absolutely nothing to them.  If it had not been for me they (his daughters) would have put him in a nursing home.  As it was they got $5400 a piece from their dad from his insurance.  Their dad paid for his own funeral.  They did not put a dime in on it.  I have never done anything bad to his brothers and sisters.  He has 9 living.  I am an only child and have three girls.  None of my girls will have anything to do with me except the one that got out of jail.  I feel so alone and scared that I am going to be living out in the street.  I am trying to get back to our home.  I feel so relaxed up there not worried about someone coming into my house to beat me. I have hired an attorney but he says they have 5 years. So I have 5 years of hell to go through wondering what is going to happen next.    I am hoping that one of the school systems will hire me up there but I don't know.  It is hard to get a job at my age.  There is discrimination to people over 40 and 50.  I just had to get this off my mind.  My husband isn't here to talk to anymore. 
 
August 14, 2006, 4:28 am CDT

I wanted to let you know..

Quote From: minnehaha

 I lost my husband in February.  February 8th and I buried him the day before Valentines Day.  For Valentines Day I got his funeral bill (what a present ha ha).  He had an old will and even though we were together for almost 21 years we were only married almost 5 years.  His oldest daughter was the executrix of his will.  She told me the day of the funeral that they would take the insurance money and I could have the house.  I was not living in the house we were living where I worked six hours away.  I was attacked the last of April and was in the hospital for two days and three days later I got a letter from an attorney that his oldest daughter was wanting me to move out and move out the furniture and clean up the place they were going to sell it.  I was working 6 hours away teaching and I had used up all of my sick time for Jim and they were taking money out of my check to pay for a substitute because I had used up all of my sick time for Jim.  His two daughters in California was writing me and asking how I was doing.  Then because I blew up and wrote to them how nasty it was of them they quit writing e-mailing.  I called his one sister and she said that because of my daughter she thought it was all right for them to through me out into the street.  My daughter had been in jail because of identity theft she did on my husband.  She got out and I am letting her stay at the house to mow the yard and pay the utilities on the house up there. We were paying utilities at both places because of Jim and going to his doctors up there where we used to live.  They had not doctors down here that had his medical history for a while.  I just feel so betrayed by his family.  I have done absolutely nothing to them.  If it had not been for me they (his daughters) would have put him in a nursing home.  As it was they got $5400 a piece from their dad from his insurance.  Their dad paid for his own funeral.  They did not put a dime in on it.  I have never done anything bad to his brothers and sisters.  He has 9 living.  I am an only child and have three girls.  None of my girls will have anything to do with me except the one that got out of jail.  I feel so alone and scared that I am going to be living out in the street.  I am trying to get back to our home.  I feel so relaxed up there not worried about someone coming into my house to beat me. I have hired an attorney but he says they have 5 years. So I have 5 years of hell to go through wondering what is going to happen next.    I am hoping that one of the school systems will hire me up there but I don't know.  It is hard to get a job at my age.  There is discrimination to people over 40 and 50.  I just had to get this off my mind.  My husband isn't here to talk to anymore. 

HI-I  just wanted to let you know that I read your post and my heart goes out to you- 

I know what it feels like to help some one and they do this to you- 

I have done nothing to hurt my family or the families of the jerks I knew and I was treated like crap-

Please know I am hear if you need a friend-

Alison

 
August 15, 2006, 8:41 am CDT

re stupid highschool pranks

Quote From: raindrop21

Ask her staight up what her problem is.  The reason that stupid high school pranks are so effective is because high school girls tend to "just go along with everything" rather then stand up for themselves.

There in lies the problem. I have confronted "Sally"  about treating me as though I were a child and she denies ever doing that HOWEVER the other things for ex, the weekend retreat I am not invited to (and I am not supposed to know about) and her attitude about my birthday party was told to me in confidence,and I was asked NOT to say anything to "Sally" so if I confront her about that then I will be betraying a close friend.

 

Since I posted my original message things have gotten worse with "Sally" and I have realized I'm not being singled out, she treats everyone as if they are beneath her, but I'm the only one who sees past the pretty face and sees her for who she really is.

I've decided to treat my friends according to how they treat me... So, I cut her off ,if we go out as a group I will be "civil" towards her but that will be as far as it goes she is not worth my time. If the other girls in the group want to continue to let her make fools of them that is their  decision/problem not mine.

 
August 22, 2006, 7:41 pm CDT

lost and confused

 
August 26, 2006, 5:20 pm CDT

Not Sure How To Feel About This....

I have an aquaintance at work who is part of my little group friends. She protrays herself like she is layed-back and friendly. But I have known her for almost 4 years and I have wittnessed her behaving like a spoiled, selfish child whom can be really toxic to people who make her angry. She has already caused 2 people to move accross the room from my group. I try to interact with her as little as possible. Here is the deal, another woman at work has started having home parties to make some extra money, she sells intimate toys and clothing, oils etc. you get the idea. When she told me she was doing this and asked if I was interested in looking at one of her books. I got a little embarrassed and told her "No thanks." Well, word must have gotten around that I was not interested. Several women at work have had her do a home party for them and the most recent person was my aquaintance. I assume she already knew that I was not interested in this sort of party because I was not invited. She invited all of my friends, even the 2 she had chased away. I heard nothing about this party until the day before. This woman does home interior, tupperware, candle parties etc, and when she is planning the party all she does is talk, talk, talk about it. Since everyone kept it really quiet I assume she told all of them that I was not invited. Even now 2 weeks later, they are still hush, hush. I am very hurt that I was not invited, I know she probably thought she was keeping me from being embarrassed. But, I think that to go or not to go should have been my decision. So, am I correct in feeling hurt and left out?
 
August 31, 2006, 5:13 am CDT

WHY

I am new to this board, but I really need someone to talk to.  I am dealing with depression, abusive husband, and so many other things that I don't know which way to turn and I don't know if I can take one more little thing piled up on me, but right now I am so lonely because I don't have no one... The one and only friend I had just threw me away in the garbage like a rag doll.  I have no other friends because for some reason I tend to push people away.  My husband says it's because I am too shy and people like to be with others that are outgoing.  My best friend, my only friend decided that she can no longer be friends with me.. To make things short, she used to date my husbands brother and now they are not together anymore.  She said that I am a constant reminder of him because I know him and therefore, she has no choice but to let me go.  We tried in the past to meet only at her house or a park, but for no reason, she stopped any communication with me again.  I recently emailed her telling her how I felt and all she could say is that she needs to stay healthy and sane for her son.  I can understand where she is coming from, but why do I have to suffer for their break up? 
 
August 31, 2006, 5:43 am CDT

Betrayal

Quote From: imadrphilphan

I have an aquaintance at work who is part of my little group friends. She protrays herself like she is layed-back and friendly. But I have known her for almost 4 years and I have wittnessed her behaving like a spoiled, selfish child whom can be really toxic to people who make her angry. She has already caused 2 people to move accross the room from my group. I try to interact with her as little as possible. Here is the deal, another woman at work has started having home parties to make some extra money, she sells intimate toys and clothing, oils etc. you get the idea. When she told me she was doing this and asked if I was interested in looking at one of her books. I got a little embarrassed and told her "No thanks." Well, word must have gotten around that I was not interested. Several women at work have had her do a home party for them and the most recent person was my aquaintance. I assume she already knew that I was not interested in this sort of party because I was not invited. She invited all of my friends, even the 2 she had chased away. I heard nothing about this party until the day before. This woman does home interior, tupperware, candle parties etc, and when she is planning the party all she does is talk, talk, talk about it. Since everyone kept it really quiet I assume she told all of them that I was not invited. Even now 2 weeks later, they are still hush, hush. I am very hurt that I was not invited, I know she probably thought she was keeping me from being embarrassed. But, I think that to go or not to go should have been my decision. So, am I correct in feeling hurt and left out?
I don't know if I can help because I am not good with words (I am a good listener though), but I do know how you must feel, feeling left out.  I have felt that way most of my life with only enough friends I can count on 2 hands.  In my own view, it is normal to feeling hurt and feeling left out.  No one wants to feel this way... We all want fit in.  Too many times I think of school and how hard it is to fit in if you are popular or wear name brand clothes..etc.  I thought it would end when school days were over, but it doesn't.  We are judged everyday.  Why do people have to be so cruel and be so judge-mental...  why can't we all just love one another instead of making one another feel not wanted...left out...   Is there anyway that you may be able to talk to this person and tell her how you feel, or do you think that it would cause more grief?  From what you wrote about her, sounds like it might not be a good idea.  Are you close with any of the others that went to this party that you could trust enough not to say a word about your feelings?  It's a hard situation to be in... I am here for you if you need me...Tammy
 
August 31, 2006, 6:50 am CDT

Betrayal

Quote From: doogie01

I was just wondering if you needed someone to talk to?  What are you confused about?  Lost?  Is there anything I can do to help?
 
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