Message Boards

Topic : Being a Good Friend

Number of Replies: 515
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Thursday, July 07, 2005, 09:18:38 am
Author : dataimport
What does it mean to be a good "friend"? Has  someone shown you the true meaning of friendship? Share your story here.

As of January, 2009, this message board will become "Read Only" and will be closed to further posting. Please join the NEW Dr. Phil Community to continue your discussions, personalize your message board experience, start a blog and meet new friends.

August 11, 2007, 4:48 pm CDT

my comments

Quote From: snowqueeneh

I have not talked to my (ex) best friend Jin well over a year. We were friends since we were 14 - we stopped talking at 28 (wow 14 years). Basically, I was previously in a bad relationship for 6 years with a real jerk. She always popped in and out of my life and would tell me to leave him, that I derserved better. But then she started to make me feel stupid... I knew she was right but I had to make my own moves at my own pace. During this whole time she was engaged to the 'perfect' man, and had a perfect life. I thought she was happy, she put on a whole show for me (now I realize it was meant to make me feel worse). When I told her I broke up with my ex she told me her fiancee was a jerk the whole time! I found out the truth about her engagement.

Needless to say she left him and we moved in together with our mutual friend L as well. J & L started taking drugs together (cocaine to be exact). They both worked one job and spent every penny they had. I worked two jobs and saved and never took any ofthe cocaine. Then L stole J's bankcard and was taking money all the time. I kicked L out and I was not nice about it either (we both aploigized later).

Now we fast forward a bit lol We all have kids now. They are both single mothers and I am very happily married. I was raised by my motherand have no judgements about single mothers... if anything I commend them very much. Well J & L always acted strange around me. Now I will really shorten the following. They basically told me that I think I'm better than them and so on. I never ever behaved that way. I feel like I was judged just because I'm happy. I lived the life they are going through... they were both raised innice homeswith both parents and I was raised in various apartmentswith a single parent. I can't believe they would think I would ever look down on them. I'm really hurt still. I told them I don't want to talk to them anymore and like I said... it's been over a year now. They tell people things about me. It's so unfair.

Ireally think that a good friend should be there for you during the GOOD and the BAD. Both equally. A good friend does not get jealous... and if they do they say to themselves (wait a minute - this is my friend and I will be proud of them). I have felt jealous before and I caught myself. I am still very angry and hurt. I think I will read the 'forgivness' section now and move on with my life lol. No... really I will (c;

Hi, These girls arent acting like friends. Friends make you feel good to be around not bad. You havnt done anything wrong jst choose your friends better next time. They have egg on their faces because of how things have turned out...thats their problem. Good on you for not doing drugs  and good on you for leaving a bad relationship. I think that's really bi***y that she put on how happy she was with her fiance while you were going through a rough time. Forgive them and get rid of bad feelings so they cant bother you anymore. Choose wisely next time. xx
 
August 12, 2007, 12:11 pm CDT

Being a Good Friend

Quote From: jooles

Can someone please tell me what are the unspoken rules of having friends of the opposite sex when you are in a relationship? My boyfriend tries not to but has felt jealous as I get on very well with my friend and I am insecure about some of his friends. I dont mind if they are unattractive but what happens when they are not and are a little flirtatous???????? Please give me your views?
I had the same problem when I was younger.  To be honest... I stopped having opposite sex friends (and I wonder how some of them are doing to this day).  That's a hard question.  I really think that it's better to just not do it.  It makes things a lot less complicated.  It's nicer to have friends that are couples... then if they break up later on that may leave you with a mutual friend (and someone who already knows the both of you) of the opposite sex.  I don't regret not keeping my guy friends.  I'm sure they are married now (most anyway) and life is just too busy to worry or add complications.  And thanks for your repley to my issue earlier (c; 
 
August 19, 2007, 1:06 am CDT

Need advice on a friendship.... (hit the buffers)

Hello there

I need some advice over a friendship that has caused me great pain recently.

At work, I used to hang out with a friend who used to discuss everything with me, all her thoughts and dreams and we had a good time. She got a bad review and everything began to change with her wanting me to agree with her that everyone hated her. She also became more distant although I kind of accepted this. Then one morning at work she told me not to come down and see her in the mornings, her boss was looking. She also booked up a gym class so that the previously very relaxed and spontaneous lunches we had, where we would talk about all this stuff were blocked.

On the same day, a co-worker questioned where I was, and I told them I was seeing this friend. I mentioned only part of the conversation we spoke about. I came clean with my friend that this had occurred, and her reaction was a kind of paranoid shutdown. No contact except by cell phone and no contact at all the next day. I actually refused the cell only rule - I just couldn't believe it and got frustrated...

 

I believe telling her of my indecretion was right, but she mentioned this to another friend (Friend B) (I know it gets complicated), and so that other friend B is reducing contact with me.

We then had a heart to heart and I was described as reckless, pushy in terms of maintaining contact - (which I regarded as saying this was almost harrassment) - and she mentioned my other friend B also had thought that I was pushy too. As I grown man, I fighting to hold back the tears on all fronts. I try and maintain contact with a lot of people, and I had mentioned to her that the gym class and the "dont see me in the mornings" ultimatum had "blocked" our friendship. I got the impression previously that she was jealous of the friendship that I had with Friend B, and mentioned my indescretion to affect that relationship negatively. By saying I was pushy, she is suggesting that I leave that person alone too. I feel weak and vulnerable. Its my turn to think no one likes me!

 

During our heart to heart she saw how very upset I was (couldn't speak) and in the end said nice things, and we have made a date for lunch in about four weeks. After being specific about the date during the heart to heart, she did suggest a closer date - but I have to admit, I think she might be doing that because I got upset, a kind of U Turn - it was still a couple of weeks away...

 

Thanks for any help / suggestions

 
August 19, 2007, 3:42 pm CDT

Dean

Quote From: deanoboy

Hello there

I need some advice over a friendship that has caused me great pain recently.

At work, I used to hang out with a friend who used to discuss everything with me, all her thoughts and dreams and we had a good time. She got a bad review and everything began to change with her wanting me to agree with her that everyone hated her. She also became more distant although I kind of accepted this. Then one morning at work she told me not to come down and see her in the mornings, her boss was looking. She also booked up a gym class so that the previously very relaxed and spontaneous lunches we had, where we would talk about all this stuff were blocked.

On the same day, a co-worker questioned where I was, and I told them I was seeing this friend. I mentioned only part of the conversation we spoke about. I came clean with my friend that this had occurred, and her reaction was a kind of paranoid shutdown. No contact except by cell phone and no contact at all the next day. I actually refused the cell only rule - I just couldn't believe it and got frustrated...

 

I believe telling her of my indecretion was right, but she mentioned this to another friend (Friend B) (I know it gets complicated), and so that other friend B is reducing contact with me.

We then had a heart to heart and I was described as reckless, pushy in terms of maintaining contact - (which I regarded as saying this was almost harrassment) - and she mentioned my other friend B also had thought that I was pushy too. As I grown man, I fighting to hold back the tears on all fronts. I try and maintain contact with a lot of people, and I had mentioned to her that the gym class and the "dont see me in the mornings" ultimatum had "blocked" our friendship. I got the impression previously that she was jealous of the friendship that I had with Friend B, and mentioned my indescretion to affect that relationship negatively. By saying I was pushy, she is suggesting that I leave that person alone too. I feel weak and vulnerable. Its my turn to think no one likes me!

 

During our heart to heart she saw how very upset I was (couldn't speak) and in the end said nice things, and we have made a date for lunch in about four weeks. After being specific about the date during the heart to heart, she did suggest a closer date - but I have to admit, I think she might be doing that because I got upset, a kind of U Turn - it was still a couple of weeks away...

 

Thanks for any help / suggestions

This is a really unbalance relationship Dean, I am sorry but it really is. And the balance of power and control is not in your favor at all. Your "friend" is making all the choices, based on her needs, wants, desires. What she said about friend "B" may or may not be true, but in all honesty it really was not her place to be speaking for someone else, it is up to freind "B" to share her feelings with you not your other friend.

It sounds like both of these individuals are not compatiable friendship material.

You, may very well be right that she is jelous of any freindhsip outside the bounds of the freindship you have with her, if that is the case it is not you who is being possesive and controling, it is the opposite.

Honestly, you sound like a really nice person that places value on friendships, however, it is nto being recipocated, you are being hurt, and when that happens it is time to back away, and seek out freinds that are more in tune with you and want a balanced and healthy relationship.

There are many people that would cherish a friend that actually liked to be with them and be true freinds and not hurt feelings or place conditions and strings on the freindship.

I encourage you to become available to those people, that are more compatiable to you, and let  these two women go, back off hun. I'm thinking they are playing a game with you, and it can become ugly, especially if they do slap you with a harrasment charge, they are so not worth it!

Back off and stop any unecassary contact with them other than job related contact.

Like I said you sound like a likable person, and there are people out there who will appreciate your friendship, however, these two women are not them.

This sounds like a really dicey situation, and I am afraid that these two women really do not have your best interest at heart, again I really encourage you to back away and set up some clear boundaries.

Keep in touch, and wishing you some peace and serenity, and wishng that your real freinds will hurry up and let you know who they are hehe =).

Hugs

Tammy

 

 
August 21, 2007, 5:09 am CDT

with the girls

 
August 21, 2007, 5:13 am CDT

with the girls

hey

  my name is safouane i'm from maroc my probleme with girls is i dont know thetechnical to stay a long time with a girls

 
August 21, 2007, 10:45 am CDT

Safouane

Quote From: safouane

hey

  my name is safouane i'm from maroc my probleme with girls is i dont know thetechnical to stay a long time with a girls

Hi Safouane, can you explain a bit more about what you mean about not knoing the technical to stay a long time with girls? Do you mean you do not know how to stay freinds with them for a long period of time? Not really sure what you mean. Maybe if you share abit more about what your problem is, it would be helpful, =).

Tammy

 
August 21, 2007, 12:53 pm CDT

Being a Good Friend

Quote From: tammy_anne

This is a really unbalance relationship Dean, I am sorry but it really is. And the balance of power and control is not in your favor at all. Your "friend" is making all the choices, based on her needs, wants, desires. What she said about friend "B" may or may not be true, but in all honesty it really was not her place to be speaking for someone else, it is up to freind "B" to share her feelings with you not your other friend.

It sounds like both of these individuals are not compatiable friendship material.

You, may very well be right that she is jelous of any freindhsip outside the bounds of the freindship you have with her, if that is the case it is not you who is being possesive and controling, it is the opposite.

Honestly, you sound like a really nice person that places value on friendships, however, it is nto being recipocated, you are being hurt, and when that happens it is time to back away, and seek out freinds that are more in tune with you and want a balanced and healthy relationship.

There are many people that would cherish a friend that actually liked to be with them and be true freinds and not hurt feelings or place conditions and strings on the freindship.

I encourage you to become available to those people, that are more compatiable to you, and let  these two women go, back off hun. I'm thinking they are playing a game with you, and it can become ugly, especially if they do slap you with a harrasment charge, they are so not worth it!

Back off and stop any unecassary contact with them other than job related contact.

Like I said you sound like a likable person, and there are people out there who will appreciate your friendship, however, these two women are not them.

This sounds like a really dicey situation, and I am afraid that these two women really do not have your best interest at heart, again I really encourage you to back away and set up some clear boundaries.

Keep in touch, and wishing you some peace and serenity, and wishng that your real freinds will hurry up and let you know who they are hehe =).

Hugs

Tammy

 

Tammy

This is a wonderful answer, and after much soul searching I have, by way of a brother who I have treated as a confidente, come to much the same conclusion.

My "friend" requested no contact except via cell phone, (which I refused), and I think on a small level assumed that I would restart contact via e-mail as she sent a one line mail of encouragement after our heart to heart, to which I simply replied "thanks". But I have not made any contact with her since then (except to put the lunch date in the diary). Maybe the silence is telling her something, she hasn't made contact again via e-mail either.

My brother and your advice co-incides. The lunch I need to let slip away - somethings come up, a team meeting, whatever, so that it doesn't happen, politely of course - no fuss. "Light and fluffy" as my brother put it. "Friend B" also needs to "slip away" politely. I did say to "Friend B" last week that I would speak with her this week via e-mail, but even prior to reading your reply, this seems like a foolish thing to do. As this week has progressed it has become more distasteful. This just really isn't going to happen.

I have another friend at work who has been very supportive - she doesn't know the whole story - and that is a good a place as any to start over, without saying another word about the matter to her.  I shall look very carefully and consider balance in a friendship before commiting too much too soon in future.

Wonderful advice, and I can't tell you how greatful I am that you took the time to write Tammy. This has meant a lot to me.

Deano

 
August 24, 2007, 10:55 am CDT

Are A Friend's Words To My Girlfriend Inappropriate?

First off I think you should know that I am a 32yo female, & I've been in a committed relationship with my girlfriend for 2yrs this month. We have had our difficulties & challenges as any couple can, & we’re trying to incorporate different techniques to help us learn about the ways we act & react to one another in hopes of bettering every aspect of what is needed for a successful relationship.

 

Currently, I have been experiencing weird feelings from a minor circumstance between my girlfriend & a friend of mine that I have known for about 5yrs. I introduced her to my gf, as I have randomly done with other friends during the course of our 2yr relationship. Although now, we aren't all that close with the friend anymore, as my schedule doesn't permit much for socializing as much as I once did - not to mention the friend's relocation to another city an hour away.

 

In addition to our full time jobs, my girlfriend & I both work part time at a popular local healthy foods store and on occassion we'll see the friend doing some light shopping. Therefore, it is virtually impossible to avoid running into this "friend" at one time or another.

 

Last month, the friend stopped by the store - which she doesn't get to do often b/c she's not always in the area (as I said, she moved an hour away, but comes around to visit her son who still lives here). I was not working that evening, but my gf was & they chatted quickly in line as my gf was ringing up the friend's purchases.

 

Later that week, she dropped an email to my gf saying, "miss seeing you at the drug store... always makes me smile." My gf's response: "Aw how nice!  Well we are still there!  Just visit whenever you are down visiting your son. I know you gotta get him some fruit juices. Is he all about organic foods?"

 

This seemed harmless. However, the friend's next reply was hinting at being out of line: "No, those drinks are for me... I also got a few massagers... those are for my back & shoulders... MOSTLY." My gf responded with "Huh?" Then the friend elaborated with "Massagers... mostly for my back & shoulders... never mind. If you didn't get it then maybe you don't get it?" Knowing the friend's flirtacious persona, we have interpreted this as a subtle sexual connotation, which we would really rather not hear about... too much information! And what I think to be hinting at inappropriate conversation directed at someone (my gf) who is in a committed relationship, for which the friend knows this very well.

 

My gf says she never replied to the friend after receiving that. last email.

 

Then last week, the friend text messaged my gf asking if she had just had a birthday. My gf told her yes (on the 12th of August), and that we had gone to Austin, TX to celebrate, adding that she would send her links to the photos.

 

My gf finally got around to sending out photos to the friend yesterday. After viewing the photos, the friend responded via text message to my gf, "Damn you look good." My gf replied with "Aw" (she did not know what else to say) and the friend responded with "Sorry!" to which my gf simply said, "Ha!"

 

The icing on the cake was yesterday evening, when the friend emailed my gf and said, "Thanks for the hot flashes, sweat and visions of naughtiness ~ makes being single a little easier, but it also makes it a lot harder! If you ever need anything let me know ;-)"

 

My question is, even though this is presently a minor circumstance, that if something isn't said, either by my gf or myself, that it could have the possibility to escalate into a problem. I'm a strong believer of "nipping it in the bud" but my gf says she really doesn't want to deal with it, but rather just cut off all communication with her, obviously because of the uncomfortable feeling she's experiencing, and the subtle suggestiveness of the friend's comments - we're deeming it as somewhat borderline disrespect. If this fails to be addressed, what if the behavior on my friend's part continues, or worse, escalates? Even if the friend gets a hint (which is unlikely) and stops this inappropriate lack of respect to someone who's in a relationship thru her comments via email/text, but approaches my gf in the store with something else, that could be uncomfortable to the max.

 

I'm just wondering if we should address it, and if so, if it's my place to say something to our "friend," or if it should really be up to my gf to speak up to this friend. It seems to me, without dealing with the issue, the friend could construe that it not inappropriate but okay to speak like this - maybe not just to us but to others as well.

 

Please help! Thank you so much for your time. :)

 
August 24, 2007, 1:24 pm CDT

Dean

Quote From: deanoboy

Tammy

This is a wonderful answer, and after much soul searching I have, by way of a brother who I have treated as a confidente, come to much the same conclusion.

My "friend" requested no contact except via cell phone, (which I refused), and I think on a small level assumed that I would restart contact via e-mail as she sent a one line mail of encouragement after our heart to heart, to which I simply replied "thanks". But I have not made any contact with her since then (except to put the lunch date in the diary). Maybe the silence is telling her something, she hasn't made contact again via e-mail either.

My brother and your advice co-incides. The lunch I need to let slip away - somethings come up, a team meeting, whatever, so that it doesn't happen, politely of course - no fuss. "Light and fluffy" as my brother put it. "Friend B" also needs to "slip away" politely. I did say to "Friend B" last week that I would speak with her this week via e-mail, but even prior to reading your reply, this seems like a foolish thing to do. As this week has progressed it has become more distasteful. This just really isn't going to happen.

I have another friend at work who has been very supportive - she doesn't know the whole story - and that is a good a place as any to start over, without saying another word about the matter to her.  I shall look very carefully and consider balance in a friendship before commiting too much too soon in future.

Wonderful advice, and I can't tell you how greatful I am that you took the time to write Tammy. This has meant a lot to me.

Deano

So glad that i was helpful to you, i had to chuckle about the light and fluffy part your brother said hehe, very aptly put hehe.

You really are doing the right thing for yourself, and protecting yourself too!

yup the supportive freind is a great place to start. Yea, she does not to know the details of these past friendhsips, because they are in the past, and you my friend are not dwelling in the past but relishing a great furture! I am so happy for you!

Keep in touch and let us know how the new freindship is going, and if these two other women start harrasing you! Geez I hope they don't but it is a possibility, protect yourself, like i said these two women seem to be playing a game with you and I don't like it one bit.

Yea any contact they may engage, keep it light and fluffy, and short.

Stay happy, you deserve good freinds, because you are good people =).

Hugs

Tammy

 

 
First | Prev | 40 | 41 | 42 | 43 | 44 | 45 | 46 | 47 | 48 | 49 | Next | Last