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Topic : 09/07 Kids Caught in the Middle

Number of Replies: 88
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Created on : Friday, August 31, 2007, 10:24:49 am
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Marriage is too often a war zone with innocent kids trapped on the battlefield. Dr. Phil sounds the alarm on parents who use their children as pawns in their relationships. Vangie had a lover, Dave, for 18 years before she married him last year. There was just one small problem -- Vangie was already married! Her daughter, Danell, was forced to lie and cover up the affair, and now she refuses to accept Dave. Should Danell forget the past and make peace with her mother’s new husband, or does she have the right to resent her stepfather? Then, Denise says Bruce, her husband of 22 years, is such a bully that she left him eight months ago. She says that he badmouths her in front of their kids and tries to pit them against her. Their 14-year-old daughter, Lauren, says he’s called her a pig, a slob and a bitch and has left nasty messages on her cell phone. Bruce says he’s not a bully; he’s just preparing his kids for the real world. What’s behind Bruce’s behavior, and will he and Denise be able to salvage their relationship for the sake of the kids? Talk about the show here.

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September 9, 2007, 6:31 pm CDT

Kids caught in the middle show 9/7/07

Quote From: dbt121

Dr. Phil,  I was very disappointed with your advice to the daughter who did not want to accept her mother's new husband because of the lies her mother told about her affair with him.  Mother's make mistakes, just as daughters do.  The daughter and mother needed counseling and it seemed to me that you encouraged the daughter to continue to resist any attempts to move beyond this.  Honestly, Dr. Phil, I saw more attempts on your part to get the horrible pedophile

grandfather counseling so that he could possibly regain a relationship with his granddaughter than I did in this show.  The daughter needs to forgive her mother and her new husband so that everyone can heal. 

 Thank you viewer for your response to Friday's Show (kids caught in the middle). I am Vangie, the mother on the show. I was please to hear from someone who felt the same way I did....I have forgiven my daughter for so many things in the past especially when she was  in her teens. And like I mentioned on the show (which was taped in Janurary), she has put me thru hell with her  disrespect and mental abuse ,by not letting me see the kids somethimes.... because she still feels she wants to punish me.  (my grandkids  mean  the world to me). She wiill always make mistakes, but regardless I am her Mother I will always Love her unconditonally. Thank you , Oh by the way ,the reason I  hung  on for all those years with my ex, .....  I did it  to keep the family unit together.
 
September 9, 2007, 6:35 pm CDT

He who is without sin cast the first stone...

Quote From: idajoan

Just the idea of what this woman did with her daughter and having an affair just teaches her daughter not to trust people.  This daughter is going to get married and not trust her husband because of what her mother did.  What's been done can't be undone.  It's a shame there are so many people in this world who are so unloving and selfish to their own family - their own flesh and blood.  It the moral decay as we know it thanks to daytime soap operas and "Dallas."  I would like to hear about honest, honourable people involved in loving relationships in their marriages and with their children for a change please!!!  I'm sure they are out there some where!!  I'm not perfect but I've been committed to my marriage for 28 years and we've been through a lot together.  Big "C" committment is what's lacking in the character of people today.  Where is your committment to anyone Mrs Cheating Wife???
 Don't be quick to judge, you never know what is going to happen in your own backyard, or in your family's yard....People make mistakes in life... 
 
September 10, 2007, 8:45 am CDT

i identify with danelle.....

I don't usually watch dr phil during the day but Tivo it instead..however, this day....my sister called to tell me that our "mom" and "i " were on the stage....I rushed in and turned on the TV to find the situation Dannelle is in...identical almost to mine and my famlies.  On december 18th of 2006 my mom decided to walk out on our family...she admitted to a long affair..(she has never come clean with just how long) but we know it has been for approx seven years....she and my dad would have celebrated their 35th wedding anniversary on the 5th of august...she married the man she had the affair with the 28th of july 2007...only 3 and half short months after the divorce was final with my dad...for many months the situation was ugly...she constantly told us to get over it and move on...I am proud to say that ten almost eleven months later...we have moved on....now she is the one sad..missing the family..None of us like the husband..he is pompas, arrogant, rude, and controlling and at 33 years old I am in no postion to need a new family or new dad...I have a wonderful dad...a good life...the parallels were amazing to me and it felt good to hear dr phil say to Danelle, that she had no obligation to dave...a great feeling!  I pray for mom , I pray for her happiness, she needs to be happy or all of what she has caused this family has been for nothing....but I want NOTHING to do with her new life...I am with you danelle....take care!








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September 10, 2007, 3:15 pm CDT

to vangie

Quote From: my2cents2

 Thank you viewer for your response to Friday's Show (kids caught in the middle). I am Vangie, the mother on the show. I was please to hear from someone who felt the same way I did....I have forgiven my daughter for so many things in the past especially when she was  in her teens. And like I mentioned on the show (which was taped in Janurary), she has put me thru hell with her  disrespect and mental abuse ,by not letting me see the kids somethimes.... because she still feels she wants to punish me.  (my grandkids  mean  the world to me). She wiill always make mistakes, but regardless I am her Mother I will always Love her unconditonally. Thank you , Oh by the way ,the reason I  hung  on for all those years with my ex, .....  I did it  to keep the family unit together.

I am the daughter of a mother who has done the exact same thing to her family.  I do not wish my mom any Ill will or unhappiness...I love her wish her all the best...however, my happiness and my childrens happiness is also important...I cannot LOVE her new husband and I cannot condone what she has done...she taught us to abhore divorce, to cling to what is good and right and then at 58 she tore our family apart after a long affair..I love her will always love her will never withold my love from her..but out of love and respect for me wish she would stop expecting me to love or even deal with her new husband...the man she cheated on my dad with...I agree that people do things wrong and i too put my mom and dad through some things as a teenager..I just don't think it is fair to compare that rebellion to a situation like this..my mom did that to me and it only caused a deeper wound and you are right.... we all need forgivness...God is good...but sometimes it is hard especially when feelings are raw...and it is something so delicate...give her time..love and understanding..and if things never change accept her for what she is and who she is..your daughter...I totally identify with all of you...i pray for you and want danelle to know she is NOT alone..I thought for many months I was the only one in the world going through something like this..so good to know other families are experiencing something similar.

take care

momtothreeIl

 
September 10, 2007, 10:55 pm CDT

never give up on your kids

Quote From: melone123

I was married to a man who was physically and mentally abusive for 23 years.  He was married 2 times before and had 6 other children.  We had 3 together.  Nothing I did was ever good enough.  He brought up and held against me everything I ever did since I was concieved.  He tried to seperate me from my family, held me down and choked me because I had dated someone he knew, held a knife to his 11 year old daughters throat because she protested us.  If I went grocery shopping I had to hold my head down and never meet anyone eye to eye. Called me names constantly.  I had jobs that he ruined because he wouldn't quit calling.  Humiliated me in front of people, borrowed money $38,000 from my father, tried to steal from my mother and estranged us for almost a year.  Would never let me take birth control, accused me of affairs and said he saw me kiss someone that I never did, almost made me believe it - untill I called them and told them what was going on and they agreed he was crazy.  Would never let me go to school.  I helped raise his other children, dealt with the other wives (who he cheated on) and abused the same way.  None of his other children talk to him (except one) one is dead because he was so abusive and fought with that childs mother he couldn't take it anymore.  He tried to do to the other wives as he is doing to me.  I thought they were wrong because I was brainwashed.  No more. 

I ran and thought I could get my daughter later.  The things that happened with the divorce, because I was diagnosed with post traumatic stress is so extensive that I couldn't write it all.  So I am going for full custody now.  But he has them so brainwashed that no matter how much money i give, no matter to what extent I go to to be there for them.  They are so badly damaged that I am at my wits end as to where to go or what to do. 

Anyone want to talk, advice - I would love to hear it.

Melanie Smothers - melone@myway.com

Thanks

Melanie your children are in those minds somewhere, they really are there and no matter what he does or what he tells them they do want to be with you, dont give up on your kids bcuz it is difficult, i offer you humble release listen to independance day by martina mcbride...i think...i spent three years of tears and fighting before i finally rec'd primary placement of my son who is now 13 and certainly has grown to have a lot of his fathers qualities that caused him to lose in court. Even after he is home with me the battle still rages on in my sons head ...the only comfort we can give a child is an open heart and a safe place for he/she to let their gaurd down if only for one moment....as a parent who has walked in your shoes and shares some of your past with you it is hard as hell but worth every tear.
 
September 11, 2007, 12:58 pm CDT

Kids caught in the Middle.....

Quote From: momtothreeinil

I am the daughter of a mother who has done the exact same thing to her family.  I do not wish my mom any Ill will or unhappiness...I love her wish her all the best...however, my happiness and my childrens happiness is also important...I cannot LOVE her new husband and I cannot condone what she has done...she taught us to abhore divorce, to cling to what is good and right and then at 58 she tore our family apart after a long affair..I love her will always love her will never withold my love from her..but out of love and respect for me wish she would stop expecting me to love or even deal with her new husband...the man she cheated on my dad with...I agree that people do things wrong and i too put my mom and dad through some things as a teenager..I just don't think it is fair to compare that rebellion to a situation like this..my mom did that to me and it only caused a deeper wound and you are right.... we all need forgivness...God is good...but sometimes it is hard especially when feelings are raw...and it is something so delicate...give her time..love and understanding..and if things never change accept her for what she is and who she is..your daughter...I totally identify with all of you...i pray for you and want danelle to know she is NOT alone..I thought for many months I was the only one in the world going through something like this..so good to know other families are experiencing something similar.

take care

momtothreeIl

 Dear momtothreeII
I understand and respect your input...but a 1/2 segment is only what I got to tell the whole story. I am Vangie...Mom on the show. I didn't mean to compare her rebellious behavior to my PAST situation, I certainly to not expect for her to have a relationship with my current husband. The problem here is that she continues to bring up the past and chastises me constantly about my past. She was married at the age of 23 and expecting a baby on her wedding day. I forgave her for that. How to you weigh fornication & adultry?
Another thing is my husband and I got baptize and we are not belivers in Christ. (not excuse for my sin) But we have been forgiven by God..How long takes it take before I get to see my Grandchildren.. Even if it is in her house? She has power over me and only uses me to do favors for her...remember this was tape the begining of this year. I do thank you for praying for us...But I have to move on ...By the way..she is seeing someone else outside of her marriage..she blames me for this too. I feel people our responsible for there own actions otherwise we would all be blameing someone else for our choices...Pray for her marriage too, she has 3 kids, she is now 29yrs old now...Please everyone read this...Thank you...Vangie, anyone out there ask me any questions, i would be glad to anwer. God Bless! Like a mentioned before I stayed with my ex to keep our family together, which my 20 yr. old Thanks me. Has forgiven me, but remembers a healthy and happy famile that took vacations together and spent the mose memorable holidays..Danelle is justiying what she is doing in her own marriage with the past.
 
September 11, 2007, 3:27 pm CDT

THANK YOU

Quote From: mpc333

Dear Grandma,  I totally understand how you feel.  I was brought up to "respect my elders".  The kids these days treat their parents like crap and feel they are "entitled" to everything and will give nothing and everything is "out fault" not theirs.  I hope I will not be in the same position as you are years from now, but I woud not be surprised if I am.  I just wrote another email to Dr. Phil pleading for his help to resolve this issue, and I hope to hear back from him or his staff.  I am just so heartbroken and it is SO TOTALLY WRONG THAT THE CHILDREN ARE IN THE MIDDLE.  Bless you and your patience with all of this.  I keep a little toy magnet (a chipmunk) next to my bed which is the last thing my granddaughter gave me.  I kiss it every night before I go to bed and every morning when I wake up.  I am having a lot of trouble letting go.  I try to pray for my daughter thinking that it will help me - but I guess I expecting too much too soon.  Best of luck (to both of us).  Fondly - another grandmother

Dear Grandmother,  I appreciate your thoughts and appreciate your answering.

I wrote a long letter to you the other day, but was disconnected before it would send.

I put a pic on here of the 2 youngest.  I do wish you best of luck also, but feel it will take more than luck for the children, I know are being hurt by her and so many guys coming and going.  I wish I made copy of what I wrote to Dr.Phil, but plan to write again.  Sincerely, ColGrandmaOf6@aol.com

 

 

 

 
September 11, 2007, 6:42 pm CDT

thanks for you reply

Quote From: my2cents2

 Dear momtothreeII
I understand and respect your input...but a 1/2 segment is only what I got to tell the whole story. I am Vangie...Mom on the show. I didn't mean to compare her rebellious behavior to my PAST situation, I certainly to not expect for her to have a relationship with my current husband. The problem here is that she continues to bring up the past and chastises me constantly about my past. She was married at the age of 23 and expecting a baby on her wedding day. I forgave her for that. How to you weigh fornication & adultry?
Another thing is my husband and I got baptize and we are not belivers in Christ. (not excuse for my sin) But we have been forgiven by God..How long takes it take before I get to see my Grandchildren.. Even if it is in her house? She has power over me and only uses me to do favors for her...remember this was tape the begining of this year. I do thank you for praying for us...But I have to move on ...By the way..she is seeing someone else outside of her marriage..she blames me for this too. I feel people our responsible for there own actions otherwise we would all be blameing someone else for our choices...Pray for her marriage too, she has 3 kids, she is now 29yrs old now...Please everyone read this...Thank you...Vangie, anyone out there ask me any questions, i would be glad to anwer. God Bless! Like a mentioned before I stayed with my ex to keep our family together, which my 20 yr. old Thanks me. Has forgiven me, but remembers a healthy and happy famile that took vacations together and spent the mose memorable holidays..Danelle is justiying what she is doing in her own marriage with the past.

Vangie,

I  think you are right to move on.  I will not keep my mom from my children as I am convinced that it will only scare them and hurt them in the future...so, I allow her time with them anytime she wants but they cannot be with him or in her home...we have made some guidelines and we all follow them..she is not happy with them and I am sure desires a different kind of relationship with us but this is what I can offer.  This happened to our family on dec 18th of 2006...she moved in with the man that night and continued to live with him...until they finally married on the 28th fo July...I am embarassed by her choices as she was very involved in our church and I have had to question my whole life because of what she did....

I also want to say I do believe that the Lord sees a sin as a sin...adultery is no different than any other sin in his perfect eyes...but in the eyes of imperfect people sins are assessed another way.  I have forgiven my mom...I don't like her choices or lifestyle...but that is her problem not mine.  I feel that I have come to a very healthy place in my life...I am 33 years old a mother of three small children and married for ten years to the same loving kind patient man! My life is good and I praise God for that..but I also take my job as a wife seriously, it is a job...we work on our marriage...our children are at the center of our hearts,.....only after christ!

I have not been able to get this off my mind...Your family is on my heart and in my thoughts...

You made one statement I wanted to address...you said she uses you to do favors....she cannot use you unless you allow it....set boundaries..healthy ones for the both of you...make compromises...work together.  And the most important thing is to stay true to Jesus and his word.  That is why I honor my mother...I don't have to honor her husband...her adultery..her life...just her...I love her and leave it at that.  It takes nothing to call her and tell her I love her and the kids love her.  She is missing out on a lot..her choices have put her where she is today...I don't have to punish her..she has punished her self!

My dad is a good man...and we have a close family...I know she is sad..I pray for her and just love her period.!

take care and feel free to write!

Take care

momtothree

 
September 12, 2007, 7:27 am CDT

Dazed and confused - HELP!!!!!

Well, I just sent another email to Dr. Phil & Robin PLEADING for their help with my situation.  I really don't know what to do.  I am so afraid that if my daughter and her husband make the wrong choice they may be literally "out on the street" without a home.  What do I do?  Do I continue to drain my only means of financial support and security or do I let my daughter and son-in-law (and in turn my grandchildren) fend for themselves?  I am feeling guilty, but also used and violated.  I love my daughter - NO MATTER WHAT SHE SAYS OR DOES - SHE IS STILL MY DAUGHTER and her security is a priority to me, but I also have to look out for myself.  Am I to continue to drain my only security and means of support so they can have a new house - just to make sure my grandchildren are OK - or do I make them own up to their responsibilities and tell them I won't make any more payments?  I'm just so confused.  It is definitely selfish on their part to expect me to continue to carry the full burden while they take vacations, make improvements on their current home and expect me to put my own security in jeopardy by continually bailing them out.  My son-in-law has a great job as a Financial Advisor and I'm sure makes MORE than a decent salary (especially if they are attempting to buy a new home), whereas I am on disability with a fixed income (my income is less than $2,000 a month) carrying over $5,000 a month in expenses on the properties that my son-in-law an I own jointly. Again, my son-in-law has not paid a single penny in over 2-1/2 years and he is the primary borrower.  WHAT SHOULD I DO? I have been asking my son-in-law (via email) for financial help to at least cover the "short fall" on a monthly basis, but now that we STILL have vacant properties I just can't pay it on my own anymore.  Do I cut off my nose to spite my face and continue to drain my only security or do I just stop paying and let the chips fall where they may?
 
September 13, 2007, 3:23 pm CDT

09/07 Kids Caught in the Middle

Quote From: shrimpety

it is interesting that after all that Vangie did, everything she put her kids through that she thinks that somehow now that she married her boyfriend that the slate is wiped clean. she clearly does not get how what she did was abusive and cruel. she seems to be very selfish, self centered and immature using religion as a sheild for accepting responsibility for her bad behaviour. i wouldn't want either the mom or step dad around my kids.
 Funny how so many "born-again Christians" show no evidence of re-birth. The Bible does say that being born again is necessary for salvation. But, the Bible also defines the evidence of this re-birth. I've seen it in many people. Those who usually keep quiet about it. Rather than spouting religious buzz-words every time they're called out on their behavior. I think Vangie is fake. And, doubt she has any idea what being born again really means.
 
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