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Topic : Giving and Receiving Support

Number of Replies: 843
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Created on : Thursday, July 07, 2005, 09:08:39 am
Author : dataimport
What is the best way to support those you love who are coping with depression or grieving a loss? Post your tips and share support with others.

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March 19, 2007, 3:42 pm CDT

NO FEELINGS AT ALL....NUMB

Over the last 30 days I have lost an uncle, an aunt, and my father.  My father had been ill for almost 5 years and mother and myself along with a wonderful skilled nursing facility looked after my dad everyday.  Mother would go in the mornings for breakfast with him and  I would go in the afternoons to have dinner with him.  Several years ago he had a stroke that took his eye sight and he had no movement on his left side.  The first 2 years he knew who we were and every visit was a blessing.  The last 2 years he drifted back in time to the 50's and sometimes he would be with us, but we would just go to where ever he was in his minds eyes.  Alot of the subjects we talked about was before I was born.  I've always been thankful thru this entire process (as I watched my father leave us a little more each day) that he was never in any pain.  The strongest pain medication he had to take was 1/2 of a Darvocet and as needed something for anxiety (which was very rare) All of the aids loved him dearly as we did them.  Mother and I were with him the evening he died.  My mother is 73 yrs of age (I am 50 with a husband of 23 yrs and an 18 yr old son)  Just when I thought that my very active mother was going to get to spend a little time resting and do some traveling with me..... the day after we buried my dad my oldest brother went into complete kidney failure. He was hospitialized in the room next to where my dad had passed just days before.  Mother and I have always been very close as well as our family.  So again we are looking after my brother who is 53 and has been put on complete disability.  Dialysis saved his life for now, and he has been placed on the national donor list.  We moved him into my mother's (she would have it no other way) I own and operate a sub-contracting business and moved my family and my office into one of our own rental properties from a 140 acre farm. By doing this I was 5 minutes from my mother's home and in walking distance from the facility that my dad was in. My husband and I have always wanted to build a home on this farm (which is 30 minutes away) and move my mother in with us.  We are now in a situation that will not allow this. My brother is on dialysis every other day and his sessions start at 6.00am thru 10.00 each visit. We alternate .....one will take him and the other will pick him up. He is not able to drive and has lost 90 lbs so far.  Mother and I both tend our homes and our family everyday of our lives and my husband and son have been so understanding.  I get up at 4:00 am everyday to be sure that my husband and son have everything they need from meals, laundry, and house keeping.  Mother does the same, but we've always worked as a team she and I.  She is my very best friend.  Over the last 5 years our social life has taken a back seat and I know without a doubt who my true friends are.  You know the ones you can call and pick up right where you left off even if you've not seen them in 2 years or talked with them in 6 months.  My husband and I lost our oldest son in a car accident 11 yrs ago and we're well aware of just how fast life can change.  I may leave this earth before any of them, but I have a feeling that just will not go away.....the odds of loosing my mother and my brother are not in my favor.  I've done counseling and still continue with it as much as I can.  I've just gotten to a point in my life where I am numb.  Nothing excites me...nothing upsets me...I just go thru the motions everyday and put that smile on when I see any of my family members.  Talking with my husband.....I've decided to slowly shut my business down.  It is not our main source of income, but has helped mother out when she would run into an un-planned situation,and also provided monies for my son who is attending our community college.  I do not regret any of the decisions that I've made over the last 5 years, but do wonder IS THERE LIFE OUT THERE (OTHER THAN SICKNESS)  In my heart I know that there are families in this world that have gone thru so much more and feel like I should not feel the way I do that I do not have the right...after all I am healthy.  There is guilt, lonliness, and fear.  I worry that I am in a deep depression.  (taking my life has never crossed my mind. i've seen too many people fighting to keep theirs) I know that it is not normal to just have your feelings shut down, but so far I've had no relief or answers as to why I feel this way.  I think that if I actually took the time to grieve  the loss we've endured over the last 30 days that I would probably stay in bed for a week if I could.  I also know that this is not an option for me.  Our schedule is so full that I'm in bed by 8:00 at the latest every evening.  It is not a sound sleep..2 hours here an hour and 1/2 there and at 4 it's time to get up and get busy. Any feed back...advice...would be appreciated.  I just want to feel alive again.  (Giver Of Care)

 
March 24, 2007, 3:45 pm CDT

Don't know what to think

I am 39 years old and for my entire life I have been haunted by the same thing.  The need to have physical contact with females.  Let me be very clear.  Not in a sexual way!!  For example, I remember in 2nd grade I was sitting in my desk and the girl behind me just used her finger and wrote my back. And it made my whole body tingle.  If my teach put her hand on my head and patted my head I felt like that  If I go into a grocery store and the cashier grabs my arm, I get that feeling.  And it is like I seek that feeling all the time.  It is what drives my life so often.  I so often want to just "cuddle" with my girlfriend because in that moment I feel whole and at peace.  I was accepted.  But that doesn't happen all the time so when I don't do it, I feel empty inside many times.

 

I don't know what to do about it.  I am actually even afraid to tell peopel because they will think there is something wrong with me or I am twisted.  I really am not.  I had no traumatic thing happen to me as a child other then when I was 2 my mom had a nervous breakdown and had to go to treatment for six months, so I was put in a foster home with two of my other brothers.  I don't know if at that age that somehow effected me.  My mom is not a touchy, feely person.  So I almost never remember her hugging or kissing me.  "I love you" was something never heard in our house.  My mom was a very, very good mom I think and I thought I had a great childhood.  But obviously, in 2nd grade I had issues with it.

 

So if anyone can relate or has any suggestions, I would greatly appreciate it.

 
April 6, 2007, 6:29 pm CDT

Giving and Receiving Support

i dont understand...its like people dont ever want me to try
 
everytime i try to tell someone something i want to do they say i wouldnt be able to do it like for example  i said i think i want to be a surgeon then my friend was like well medical school is hard you wouldnt make it then i said...thanks she was like ya and you dont respect teachers or anything (and i do, im 14 btw) its just that it seems like the only time people listen to what i have to say they are telling me i cant do it...it seems as if im just complaining about nothing but its like no one takes me seriously...some other people said my life was perfect so i need to stop complaining because there was nothing to complain about..but they dont know what my life is like at home no one does..because no one understands me and no one listens to me unless they are telling me i cant do something because im not smart enough or good enough
im sorry i just had to rant to some people that might care and listen

~Tessa~
 
April 6, 2007, 6:38 pm CDT

Giving and Receiving Support

Quote From: tesstess0606

i dont understand...its like people dont ever want me to try

everytime i try to tell someone something i want to do they say i wouldnt be able to do it like for example i said i think i want to be a surgeon then my friend was like well medical school is hard you wouldnt make it then i said...thanks she was like ya and you dont respect teachers or anything (and i do, im 14 btw) its just that it seems like the only time people listen to what i have to say they are telling me i cant do it...it seems as if im just complaining about nothing but its like no one takes me seriously...some other people said my life was perfect so i need to stop complaining because there was nothing to complain about..but they dont know what my life is like at home no one does..because no one understands me and no one listens to me unless they are telling me i cant do something because im not smart enough or good enough
im sorry i just had to rant to some people that might care and listen

Tessa

Tessa, I am sorry that everyone in your life is telling you that you can't do anything!   Never let ANYONE ever tell you that you can't do something!  Not ANYONE!!  If you have the passion to do something, then you CAN ACHIEVE IT!!  All you have to do is set your mind to it & make a plan to make it happen.  I recommend trying to see the new Will Smith movie 'The Pursuit of Happyness'  (yes Happiness is purposely misspelled)   You can read a summary of it here...

 

http://www.blockbuster.com/catalog/movieDetails/264707

 

It is a great story of a REAL MAN who overcame great odds!  You can too!

 

Never give up on your dreams!

 

 
April 6, 2007, 6:59 pm CDT

Giving and Receiving Support

Quote From: oh_why_me

Tessa, I am sorry that everyone in your life is telling you that you can't do anything!   Never let ANYONE ever tell you that you can't do something!  Not ANYONE!!  If you have the passion to do something, then you CAN ACHIEVE IT!!  All you have to do is set your mind to it & make a plan to make it happen.  I recommend trying to see the new Will Smith movie 'The Pursuit of Happyness'  (yes Happiness is purposely misspelled)   You can read a summary of it here...

 

http://www.blockbuster.com/catalog/movieDetails/264707

 

It is a great story of a REAL MAN who overcame great odds!  You can too!

 

Never give up on your dreams!

 

thank you im so happy that someone would listen and tell me i can do something for once...why do people always have to make eachother feel bad? i dont understand why some people dont want the best for others and for others to be happy..people can be so selfish sometimes im just happy there are people like you that think about others and help them =) you dont know how much your comment means to me thank you so much
~Tessa~
 
April 7, 2007, 2:09 pm CDT

Would really like some advice

Quote From: joanmendes

I am 46yrs old. Mother of two.  Happily married for 24 years to the same man. I have grown up with parents that are very negative about alot of things. My mother and I have found a way to get past all the negative atmosphere, this has taken place over the last few years.

 

My father however, still thinks of his children as complete assholes. I thought for many years that he was an okay guy, but he has within the past five years shown his true colors. One particular event was when he was to invite my two nieces to his home for a visit. He refused to ask my brother if he could bring them, instead he asked my brothers exgirlfriend to bring them to visit. That was very upsetting to me and both of my brothers. My brother has issues, but should be given the opportunity to share the visit with his daughters. Well, the exgirlfriend ended up bringing the children to visit grandpa.

 

Anyway, days had gone by. You have to know that expressing my feelings to my parents has always been difficult for me. I have always felt that my opinions were not important to them. My father calls on the phone, I really don't have much to say to him. He keeps asking what is my problem, why don't I want to talk? Finally after much proding by him, I express my disappointment in him for not allowing his son the opportunity to bring his daughters for the visit.

 

Well, as I had expected my father became very angry towards me and called me every name in the book. I was shocked and began to cry and told him that if he couldn't speak to me in an adult fashion, that I didn't have much more to say to him. My sixteen year old son was witness to this conversation, he wasn't on the phone, but walked into the room and saw me crying, and begging my father to stop talking to me that way. My son hung the phone up for me.

 

Now five years later, we still haven't spoken, his sister, my aunt tells me that I only have one father and I may regret not corresponding with him. Mind you he has made no attempt to contact me in all these years. So I email him. Tell him how his grandchildren are and what is going on in my life. He responds. That was okay.  Then two weeks go by and he writes to ask why haven't I responded to his emails, (haven't gotten but one)? Would I tell my brothers Merry XMAS and he doesn't know what my problem is.

 

Dr. Phil,

How long does one need to be emotionally put through badgering by their father and stepmother. I have responded to let him know how I feel. His wife is getting into the middle to this mess and I am just to the point of never wanting to have a relationship with either of them. Should I just give it to the lord and see what happens? Do I try to convince my father that I am not the evil person he thinks that I am. I'm spent emotionally over this whole thing.

 

 

Please Dr. Phil or Robin give me some advice to go on. I guess I am doing the right thing, but not sure. Do I just move forward with god and my husband's support. Or do I try to make amends. I'm always full of doubt. Life isn't getting any shorter. Please advise

 
April 7, 2007, 8:07 pm CDT

scared worried and can't stop hurting

me and my boyfriend have been together for almost six months now and i truly believe he is the one i was meant to be with. althought right now things are very difficult because i am two years older than him and right now i am working on my cosmetology liscense but he has signed up to go into the National Guard! he leaves in 3 weeks for fort leonard wood missouri for 5 months im trying to cope with him leaving me but its getting harder and harder because i know that we wont be able to talk much while he is gone. he says when he gets back he wants us to get an apartment together while he goes to college but 5 months is such a long time to me and im scared he might come back a diffrent person and not want to be with me anymore. i have never had anyone care about me the way he does but i get upset about this stuff so often in front of him and i cry about it that he is too the point where the only thing he can say is everything will be ok dont worry about it and i cant stop worrying or hurting i cry all the time now thinking about him leavcing and then him possibly haveing to go somewhere that is not safe like iraq or something i dont know what to do or how to cope with all of this he and his best friend are going together to basic but im still worried

 
April 22, 2007, 2:52 pm CDT

How do I cope...I need help!!!

Not sure where to start or if this is the right forum for this...but i will try anywhere.  I am dealing with parental alienation and have no where to turn. I cannot afford a lawyer, though everyone I tell my story to says thats what we need, and I know that, but right  now that is totally impossible.  So how do I help my babies. I have been alientated from them my heir father who has brainwashed them into lying extensively about abuse. (I will not go into details, though please think the worst!) They convinced social services and the courts, though after social services dropped their case, they told us my kids were brainwashed but couldn't do anything. There was no criminal investigation, I took a polygraph and passed!!! EVERYONE says my ex is nuts and crazy and is brainwashing the kids, but there is nothing I can do...please help!!! My babies need to come home!!!
 
April 26, 2007, 10:24 am CDT

Giving and Receiving Support

Hi

 

Not sure where to begin. I am a frequent watcher of this show.  I'm a young adult with depression and anxiety for quite awhile now.    Being a male with these has been rough. 


Thank you for doing the bully shows! I was bullied in school and sure wished more was done at that point. I was hospitilized in the psych ward because I wanted to hurt myself /others. I was also locked in my room from the inside by my parents.  This is really tough to talk about.  I really do care about people and can relate.  I've been on so many different meds and have seen many therapists.  I would like to go into more details about my not so good therapy experiences, however I am lucky to have seen one therpist for quite awhile.  I'm not here to judge or to say therapy is a bad thing. I just want to feel that I'm not alone and don't want others to feel that way, know what i mean?  Loneliness is such an awful thing. 


I am doing much better thanks so much to music!  Music does wonders.  I am the organist at 2 churches and am on staff at my junior college playing piano for 3 choirs.  People are so nice there. I also sing, play violin,& percussion,&handbells.

 

Thanks so much.  I feel better. 

Hope to give and receive support,

 

Ryan

 
May 3, 2007, 10:30 am CDT

Giving and Receiving Support

I'm sitting here feeling lonely, frustrated and very tired.  My mother inlaw just left after a four day visit.  I am a horrible mother, an competent wife and and a fanatically religious person who can't get do anything well and my imcompentence is an amusing joke to those around me.  I am hormonal at present so magnify that times ten.  My church is falling apart.  My husband and I go to a very small church whose median age is mid 50's.  We are in our late thrity's and have three children 3, 4 and 9.  We are the youth of our church.  There are literally no other children in our church.  We do not have a pastor at present.  We have a used carsalesman who live 45 miles away and comes in on Sundays and Wednesdays to preach and claims he doesn't know where anything in the bible is located, but he knows it is there we can find it later.  I am a stay at home mom and have been for the last 3 1/2 years.  We were foster parents and adopted three boys.  My youngest came to us with some severe sensory integration issues and very severe lack of attachement issues.  MY KIDS NEED SOCIALIZATION AND INTERACTION WITH OTHER KIDS.  I know that.  But I committed to teaching the women's Sunday School this year.  My term won't be up until October.  Now our church is deciding to really struggle and divide itself on whether or not to have a pastor search and get a leader for our church or continue down the path of least effort and maintain until the death of the church or congregation completely.  As a younger person of the church some want me to fight the good fight and help save the church.  I am wanting to bale and get my kids into a church they can grow and thrive in.  I feel like a horrible person, but am a protective mother who knows my kids need to come first.  I still feel sad and very horrible for the church's situation, I don't want to totally detach but, there is not a shortage of stress in my life and I really don't need it from the place where you go for comfort and refreshment.  I'm in a bad place right now, but am healthy enough  to know it is temporary and I don't have it as bad as some.  Just venting to keep from going to bed and crying, If I start I'm afraid it will take some time before I quit.  I am choosing to share so that if anyone can share some encouragment and positive feedback, I sure could use some about now. 
 
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