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Topic : 08/21 Anatomy of Abuse

Number of Replies: 618
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Created on : Friday, May 11, 2007, 02:29:26 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 05/16/07) What would you do if your spouse belittled you and threatened your life? For women who have ever endured verbal, physical or emotional abuse in a relationship, Dr. Phil helps break the silence. Amy says her husband, Lee, is volatile and dangerous. She says he has choked and kicked her, and even held a knife to her throat! Lee’s mother, Sandy, says Amy and Lee argue constantly, but they’ve never been physical. How does she react when Dr. Phil plays a tape of Lee confessing his abusive ways? Then, Amy’s parents, Cynthia and Stan, fear for their daughter’s life and don’t think she’s providing a safe environment for her kids. Amy says she loves her husband and wants her folks to butt out. What does Dr. Phil think? And, Lee joins the show via satellite because he’s on probation for a domestic violence charge, and cannot leave the state. He admits to having anger issues but says he’s working to control them. Can Lee change his violent ways? Is it possible to rebound from being with an abuser? Tell us what you think.

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May 14, 2007, 4:18 pm CDT

your kept guessing all the time, a ploy

Quote From: flstepmom

Verbal abuse is how it starts then it progresses to physical.  Those marks do not always show either.  I my case he pulled my hair and hit me in the head anywhere my hair covered.

He was unfaithful and came home with things I had to be tested for.  Thank God nothing affected me medically.

Emotional abuse is worrying about if you are saying the right things, being careful in everthing you say.  The stress caused by that is tremendous and you have to know it affects your health.  Are you eating too much or not eating at all? 

Think about what your children are learning.  Is a daughter learning to find that same kind of man, is a son learning to be that kind of man?

I always thought staying is the womans place, it is biblical.  BUT< BUT!! It is a true deal breaker if abuse is involved.  Read Ephesians 5  the husband is to love his wife like Jesus loved the church. Believe in that or not it is a powerful statement.

Be careful and move carefully.  They like to make everything our fault.  We women have to own what we should but  it is not entirely ours.  If someone loves you, you love the way he says your name, the way he looks at you.  You love the things he says to you and the encouragement he gives you.

 

I believe I recognize the same abusive behavior that I had experienced in my last marriage. My husband used to keep me on eggs...so to speak, regarduing any decisions i made,thought of etc. He is frustrated and to keep his distance he Volunteers.( otherwise if he did not...he may become violent). He strives for verbal pats on the back because deep down he knows he is handling it wrong.In blocking you he is trying to gain more control of the outcomes...perfection?

My ex used to say repeatedly"that HE was the only one who would love me the way he does"...yeah he ggot that right...he was abusive. I have regained my confidence by leaving that rrelationship before it got worse, and before my children copyied his behavior.I lived in terror then.

It has been 15 yrs since I broke off...I moved 500 miles away, and kept no contact with him( he was not the father of my children...as they were just teens then).

I make all decisions now, and my children are grown up and have graduated etc. They periodically mention the husband( not there dad..husband but husband #2). and wonder "WHY" I took the abiuse? They are happy now and have successfully married wondrful husbands.

I see now "How" the abuse happened...I was very vunerable and felt unloved...he provided the feeling of being loved...until we actually married...he  then saw me as "HIS" possession!

You are a good person worthy of a loving husband...you just have to "Find"  the right one.

 
May 14, 2007, 4:28 pm CDT

this is what makes abuse

Quote From: oldladygillen

Can someone tell me what makes a person "abuse" someone they love?? If they did not grow up in an abusive home and it was not what they learned why do they abuse?? My son's father grew up with 2 parents and I know his parents were not abusive. The only thing i have noticed is that his mother put his older sister first. Even to this day his sister and her girls come first and my son and his dad get the push off. Like at Christmas, the one grandaughter had to spend Christmas eve with her dad so grandma changed the "normal" Christmas eve supper to Christmas eve lunch, just for her. never mind her son and grandson had plans already for lunch My son's grandpa don't step up to grandma, why i don't know yes she *itches a lot and claims she will divorce and take the family farm but that is as far as it goes . Does he get abusive because he is frustrated or because he feels he has control then?? I don't understand because I grew up with a VERY abusive father/drunk father and I refuse to drink because I am afraid i would act like him and i can't see hitting someone i love. i'm not saying i have not thought of cracking my kids butts b-4 Please tell me...........................................

 

If someone hits another and the other lets him/her get away with it ...it reinforces that concept.

Therefore when the abuser can't get his /her way...they hit, because they giota away with it before. In other words they have conditioned you!

Change the reaction to change the abuse. And if no result...leave.

 
May 14, 2007, 4:42 pm CDT

Wrong advice!

Quote From: isewforyou

They do not change!

It always breaks my heart when a preacher makes a statement to the effect that praying for something implies that God will MAKE it happen.  GOD NEVER FORCES ANYONE TO CHANGE!

 

There is this wonderful thing called free will.  God has promised never to force humanity to obey.  God encourages and loves humanity to follow God's ways.  Each person has the freedom to choose to follow God or follow self.  God will never force God's will upon humanity. 

 

Prayer benefits the person praying as much if not more than the person for whom the prayer is prayed.  It is never God's way for anyone to be abused.  A person can choose to change.  That is the freedom God gives.  Of course, God also gives each person the freedom to leave an abusive situation.  No matter how hard it may be--it is possible.  It is still our choice to believe and accept that we are each a person of value, the image and beloved of God.

 

When preachers make spiritual promises which the individual preacher can not keep, look to another spiritual advisor for guidance.  Read, learn, think for yourself.  Don't let anyone else think for you--not a preacher--not an abuser.  Then and only then, faith belongs to you.

 

God wants you to choose what is best for you--abuse NEVER is.

 
May 14, 2007, 4:45 pm CDT

Amen to all that!!

Quote From: mollie

Although I don't get to see the show often, when I see that there is a show on abuse, I perk up.  It is a sad state indeed.

 

I've been there and have been free from it for almost 10 years now.  I must say that I wish my abuse would have been physical on some level.  Then I would have seen the brutality.  In my case it was verbal and hard to recognize.

 

I understand the pain of physical abuse but verbal abuse can be harder in many ways.  I never saw it as abuse in the beginning.  I thought this person was trying to help me be a better person.  What a crock!!!

 

I spent three years in therapy before I felt strong enough in who I was to be single, alone and totally responsible for my own actions. However, I spent almost 30 years having someone tell me I was basically worthless.  It's a very long story.

 

In thinking about the situations presented on the show, I fully understand the sick but very real possession that one person can have on another.  My mom used to tell me that according to the Bible, you should be submissive and follow your husband's rules.  She didn't have it quite right in that it doesn't always stand true. She never talked about the husband's role to love the wife as God loves his church. 

 

It's hard to break a routine that has been established, the constant ridicule and mean spirited approach making it look like that person is doing this for your own good.  I now have a hard time believing I ever fell for that junk.  But... I did and I understand the process.

 

I guess what I want to get across here is that we are all worth the best of life has to offer.  I want to tell people that they have to love themselves enough to break away from the sickness of the other person.  I admit it isn't easy and sometimes it's so hard that you can fear for your life but there is this saying: "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger."  It is true.  I think now that even though I wish I hadn't stayed so long, I am a stronger person.  I am extremely worthwhile all on my own.  I am a good person, a great person. 

 

Please break away from the destructive behavior of someone who is sick and taking you down with them.

Been there done that and am currently in the process of getting out of it.  Good advice, I'm not quite that far just yet but am working on it daily. 
 
May 14, 2007, 4:57 pm CDT

nearly boiled to death

Quote From: ceildh1

Okay, I usually pretty compassionate to the plight of abused people, NO ONE, I don't give a damn if you signed some piece of paper with them or gave birth to them, NO ONE has the right to abuse or terrorize another person.

Should her parents "Butt Out", hell no they should be there for their grandchildren, who should be removed from Mom's custody until SHE gets her head straightened out and until Dad's anger is under control, she KNOWS what he's doing, and isn't this the guy that has been doing it to the kids as well ? They both ned a time out from one another, LOVE DOES NOT HURT either party involved.  By her parents butting out, she will be further isolated, and he gets a free pass to do what he will.

For the sake of her children, she should be forcing him to get help, now saying that I know she can't really "Force him to do anything he chooses not to do, that's a fact, but her children didn't sign up for this, she has a choice, they don't so yes I feel they should be removed unless and until BOTH parents get the help they need to either A) Stay together in a healthy way, or B) are able to split up and co parent effectivly.

He can change, but it will take a lot of growing up on his part, and a lot of painful and intensive therapy and soul searching to do it.  She too can change, but it will take the same on her part, but the children are the ones who are truly suffering for it, and for their sake I hope these two can get it together.

Wow - I can't wait to see this show.  Let me just tell you I was in an verbally/emotionally abusive marriage for 27 years and I would have denied while I was in it.  It wasn't until after I finally left when I had the affair rubbed in my face ("Who wouldn't cheat on you") that I really heard that abuse didn't have to be physical.  Before you judge the women who stay please understand that abusive men are very good manipulators.  My marriage started off with very little and then it started to increase little by little.

 

A counselor talks about the "frog experiment".  Two pans of water, one room temp and one boiling.  A frog is put in the boiling water and immediately jumps out.  Another frog is put in the room temp water, the heat is put on low.  The frog will "acclimate" until it boils to death.  Many women out there are about to boil to death.  I would never go to counseling or get help.  It would blow the "cover" of the perfect family.

 
May 14, 2007, 6:14 pm CDT

05/16 Anatomy of Abuse

Quote From: jrhighmath

Wow - I can't wait to see this show.  Let me just tell you I was in an verbally/emotionally abusive marriage for 27 years and I would have denied while I was in it.  It wasn't until after I finally left when I had the affair rubbed in my face ("Who wouldn't cheat on you") that I really heard that abuse didn't have to be physical.  Before you judge the women who stay please understand that abusive men are very good manipulators.  My marriage started off with very little and then it started to increase little by little.

 

A counselor talks about the "frog experiment".  Two pans of water, one room temp and one boiling.  A frog is put in the boiling water and immediately jumps out.  Another frog is put in the room temp water, the heat is put on low.  The frog will "acclimate" until it boils to death.  Many women out there are about to boil to death.  I would never go to counseling or get help.  It would blow the "cover" of the perfect family.

I wasn't trying to judge her necessarily, the point was,

Her parents KNOW what's going on, and they shouldn't do what she asks and BUTT OUT, that would make their daughter further isolated, and they SHOULD get CPS involved, he is abusing them as well ( that little girl broke my heart ), they BOTH need help, and they are getting the chance at help and they get the CHOICE, the child/children DON'T.

He NEEDS to get his anger under control, "if she'd stop talking I wouldn't have to hit her ", he's making a concious CHOICE to hit her, and she is making the concious choice to stay and allow this to esculate to the point now the child is involved.

Look I get that many women will NOT ask for help, look at what they've been doing to Jennifer on the obbsessive Love board, this is why, and on some level, many think they deserve it "If only I was a better wife ", "If only I didn't bother him after work ", if only I had dinner on the table ", so I get it.

But what happens then when he crosses the line ( and its going to happen if he dosen't get help and those kids get out ), and the child dies, accidently the next time he bangs her head on the floor, or throws her across the room ? Or, he squeezes her Mother's throat just a little too hard and a little too long ?

Her cover's been blown, and now she cannot deny it anymore, and I DO NOT advocate splitting families EXCEPT in the case of abuse, especially when its a helpless child who has NO HOPE of even remotely defending herself.

 
May 14, 2007, 8:50 pm CDT

to limier and Mollie

Been there-done that-. I resisted being boiled- finally got out- we (children and I) got shredded by the "systems". I've got massive "burn" scars- but my children were just - boiled. Still better than ALL of us "boiled" - I think. Everyone who escapes abuse-and lives to tell the tale- is a success.
 
May 14, 2007, 9:06 pm CDT

to bluangel88 -

Quote From: bluangel88

I never actually looked at it as such. However you have hit the nail on thead (They grow their own victims.)  This would be a real eye opening series.  However, I don't feel a 1 hour show could even begin to scratch the surface. It would take months to even touch the surface.

I can see where an abuser with a family attached would feel the power to own his/her family.

And yes, in my case,  It did turn from abuse to child molestation of his own children and grandchildren.  I am happy to say he is spending 50 years in prison.  He won't hurt anyone again. 

Thank you for the wake up.

The statement "grow their own victims" actually comes from Andrew Vachss-one of my heroes ! I am not responsible for this succinct sentence- I just borrowed it ! Borrowed because it speaks volumes of truth.
 
May 14, 2007, 9:10 pm CDT

success !

Quote From: bluangel88

  I am one who has survived physical and mental abuse.  I was married to this man for 13 years.  It started off as puppy love and swiftly moved to abusive after the wedding..  I went through 13 years of living hell.  Not sometimes but everyday of my life with him.  I was either beaten, slapped, cursed, or starved on a daily basis.   Our children saw way to much.    One night I made up my mind to get out.  It was not the best way to get out, but it worked.   I got out.  I had no contact with anyone including my children for around 6 months. It was scarry.  I was lonely,  I was broke.  But by god, I got a job.  I now had money.    You can get out.  You have to take a chance.  And let me tell you.  MCDonalds and taco bell are always hiring. 

 

You have to make the decision and you have to believe in your heart.  That you can walk out with nothing and win.  I am 17 years removed from that marriage.  Yes, it haunts me still.  But I will not let anything bring me down.  I have been to the depths of hell and have risen out of it.

Your life is a SUCCESS. We have been to war- and survived ! Congratulations . (I still recognize- that some - can't-) Trouble is- some of them leave - -in a body bag - -
 
May 14, 2007, 9:13 pm CDT

to Nena-

Quote From: nenasinclair

I've lived the experience of being abused as well. I never told anybody except my best friend what was happening in my life, so when I did leave, people would question why, if it was so bad, did I stay so long? People who have never been in a controlling & abusive relationship don't realize how much power your abuser has over you. They put you down until you have no self confidence and no self worth and they cut you off from as many other people as they possibly can. Plus, because he had such a bad temper, I was terrified to leave for fear of him hurting or killing me or my sons. When his abuse start ed escalating to not only mental and emotional abuse toward myself and my boys, but also became very physically abusive with my sons, I left. He went to work early one morning, and I had a moving truck arranged, we packed whatever we could, and left. Then, he found me and begged me to come back. I refused. I'd done that once before and wasn't falling for it again. He kept harassing me, so I got a restraining order against him. Even his best friend was worried that he'd harm me or my sons as he was a very experienced hunter. He finally left us alone when he found another girlfriend ( I feel sorry for her). The damage he did to us has been lasting though, especially to my sons. It's been 3 years since we left that life of hell. I can't even think of starting another relationship. My sons are still in counselling, but have alot of anger toward me for not getting us out of there sooner.

If you are being abused, let people know, don't keep it a secret like I did. Get help and get out as soon as you possibly can!

I don't believe all men are abusive, however, but as long as my sons are living with me, I will not get into another relationship. I concentrate my efforts on helping my sons heal, and not dwelling on negativity, because that wouldn't be productive. If you hold onto all that negativity, you can't heal, you can't get on with your life. Do what you have to let it go and start living again.

Sincerely,
Nena S
Canada

I hear you. You are a SUCCESS !

                                                                   from: Sorrows - (in Canada)

 
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