First of all I would like say that my heart goes out to Allison Quets for her continued fight with this horrible disease long after she delivered her children. Hyperemesis is a hard enough battle to fight while carrying a little one, but to have to continue to fight and be reminded of that time is horrific to me. It is sad that so many people are not aware of this disease, often mistaking for normal pregnancy issues, and that so many women do not get the help or treatment that they need, both physically and emotionally.
I have always considered myself a stable person who has been able to handle many different issues that have come to me in my life. I was able to problem solve, communicate with my husband and felt that I had the best support system around. I am a professional who works in the field of social work, and spend my days working with abused and neglected children and fighting for their rights. I couldn't wait to "grow up" and have children of my own. My husband felt the same way and after dating for six years prior to our wedding, we decided that once we were married we would begin our family.
I became pregnant with my first child in 2004, and just like many people out there, thought that I suffered from "really bad" morning sickness. I was terrifed to put any kind of medication in my body while pregnant for fear of hurting my unborn child that was so wanted. I was hospitalized numerous amounts of time for IV fluids as a result of dehydration and given many antiemetic drugs, none which seemed to work. I was then introduced to one that is often used in cancer treatment (Zofran). I feared taking it as I thought there was no way this was safe for a baby, but I was told the risks of me not taking it and continuing the battle with what I learned was referred to as Hyperemesis Gravidarum. I continued on with my pregnancy, miserable, but wanting my little girl so badly. I managed to make it through an I now have a healthy two year old.
There were many ways that this impacted our life...as I continued to suffer physically after the birth of my daughter, we began to suffer financially from the amount of medical bills, emotionally we were terrified to ever become pregnant again although we wanted more children and even one year after the hyperemesis was gone, I was reminded of it again when I was "let go" from my job at a major mental health coorporation for not making my billing goal the year I spent most days in a hospital room on short-term disability.
Two years later, my husband and I decided to try for another child as we wanted our daughter to have a sibling and we ourselves wanted another child. I didn't think that things could be any worse than the first time, and was "prepared' to be hit with whatever was headed my way. I didn't do very much research, and was unaware of the website (www.hyperemesis.org) that has now become my main support system.
I found out that I was pregnant a week before this past Christmas, only to be in the hospital dehydrated the week after Christmas. That was the first of many hospitalization I have endured as I am only 20 weeks into this pregnancy. I have been faced with several trips for IV fluids, introduced to many different drugs treatments, poked 32 times at once only to have an anesthisiologist with an ultrasound machine be able to find a severely dehydrated vein to pump fluids in until I could undergo surgery to have a Hickman Catheter (also used in cancer treatments) placed in my chest. I spent my days and nights in a dark room, attached to TPN feedings while my husband took care of our home, our finances, and most of all, our daughter. The daughter that I was not able to pick up, hold, or run around with. The daughter that clung to my leg begging to be picked up and held. I don't know if it was her tears or mine that puddled on the floor beneath us.
The tears for me have not stopped flowing, and the once stable, able to handle anything that came her way woman, was the farthest thing from that. I wasn't strong. I was emotionally and physically weak.
I was adopted as an infant, as my birthmother was only fifteen when she became pregnant with me. Growing up, I became very strong about adoption and to be honest, was very against termination of a pregnancy for any reason. Sadly, it took being hit with hyperemesis to change my views completely on something that I was once so strong about. The strong person I thought that I was, became the person that wished I could go back to November and erase the thought of having another child. I, who wanted a child so badly, secretly wished it would all disappear. I knew that I could never go through with termination, but I thought about it daily, hourly as I sat alone getting sick into a trashcan every fifteen minutes, as I lost total control of my body and couldn't even get myself up off of the floor.
I continue to be hit with physical issues throughout, but the emotional and mental toll this has taken on me is unbelievable. I have intense fears about having this child and due to being so sick, have not been able to bond with this baby, or even look forward to having the baby. I feel horribly guilty for looking forward to August so that I will no longer be sick. I feel guilty for thinking of my sickness over an innocent baby being brought into the world. I have fears of regret, fears of resentment, fears of everything.
Hyperemesis is a disease that is not known about to a lot of people, including the professionals that we who suffer seek help from. It is the most isolating disease that I have come in contact with. I can say that even the strongest of women out there who are hit with this are hit emotionally and are faced with decisions they never thought that would be. These decisions are made under horrible circumstances and are not made rationally, as no woman faced with this thinks rationally the entire time. We often feel as though we are dying, as though there isn't a way out. We are so used to being sick, and are bodies are in such a mess (physically and emotionally) that we begin to picture our whole life in this state. We struggle with taking care of ourselves, and then are faced with taking care of a newborn, or newborns in Allison's case. With this disease being so unknown, we don't know how long it lasts, we don't know the impact of it, we don't know how are bodies will be after delivery, and we certainly don't know where our emotions are going to be.
Allison is a very strong woman to continue this battle, and anyone who has been through hyperemesis can see the love she has for her children. There are so many women who were forced to make decisions that impacted them for the rest of their lives. I look at my little girl everyday and know that she is what made it worth it. I can't imagine going through it and not being able to hug my child (children), or even have them in my care, but someone else's. I hope that Allison continues this fight and that airing this show is a first step in "Getting the Word Out".