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Topic : Love Being Single

Number of Replies: 393
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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:07:56 pm
Author : dataimport
Are you single and loving it? Share your story with other happy singles!

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August 23, 2006, 3:14 pm CDT

Love Being Single

Quote From: jordananne

This is my first message here at the Dr. Phil messageboards!

 

My name is Jordan and I am 17 years old.  I am a very good student, a good daughter, and have had a steady job since I was 14.  All of those areas of my life seem to be right on track.  My relationship life however has really ceased to ever begin.  I know I am only 17 years old, so I feel some people might not think I have a serious issue or anything to worry about, but I do.

 

My mom has had a bad relationship life for as long as I have been alive.  I love my mom more than life itself, but it is true.  She has had abusive relationships, drug dependent relationships, and just unhealthy ones.  She has now however been clean for 6 years, which I am so proud of her for. 

 

I mentioned that little part about my mom because I think it might have something to do with my problem.  I cannot, for whatever reason, get into a real relationship.  Here is how the pattern goes:

 

I like someone - - They like me back - - We start to go further in a relationship (not sexually at all) - - And then right on cue, I freak out, and try and find the nearest exit.  Every single time.

 

I wish I understood exactly why this little trigger goes off in my head and I want to run far far away.  I think that if I could control that ONE THING, I might be able to fix this, but I don't know what it is.  These boys are not bad people.  They are not druggies or mean or abusive or cocky..they are exactly what I think I am looking for..but that really never seems to factor into it.  And each time I do this, I tell myself next time, I am just going to have to SUCK IT UP and move past it.  Easier said than done.

 

Once again, I know I am only 17.  I have plenty of time in my life to be with someone.  I don't need to be married now or even be in a long term relationship if I don't want to be.  I am just tired of being so scared of even the idea.  I am a very independent woman, I know that.  I do for myself a lot and am proud of it.  I am just scared that I am never going to be with anyone for real.  If I can't figure out what my deal is now, why should I think that I will figure it out when I am 20 or 22. 

 

Does anyone have any thoughts?

You sound like a VERY mature woman even at your age! You are gonna go far girl! I agree with section8 on the fact that the examples of relationships that you have seen from your mother are waaaay to fresh in your mind. But the good thing is that you know in your heart thats not the kind of relationship that you want for yourself. So many others would have sought (I have no clue how to spell that) out the same type of guys, so you can give yourself a pat on the back for that one! You just gotta tell yourself that not every guy out there is gonna be like the ones your mamma dated. There are some really good ones. Just try to relax and not think about it so much. Hold your breath and count to 10 when you have one of your panic attacks. In with the good, out with the bad. You will be ok, you got a good head on your shoulders.
 
August 23, 2006, 3:19 pm CDT

Love Being Single

Quote From: jordananne

I really apperciate you taking the time to comment me back, and taking my post seriously.

I agree with you when you say "Women do not realize how much control, how much power they really have over men"  I know that if I don't want to do something, or be something to a guy, I just say no, and that is really the end of it.

I know, that if I put my mind to it, I could completely convince myself that I don't even need to be with a man.  At 17, I am already independent and feel lucky to have twice the confidence in myself that most of my other girlfriends have, well, in all areas of life except relationships.

On your note about developing some good friendships, I wrote on the message board because I recently met a new guy. 

He is just one year older than me, goes to college in my town, is hot (not that that is the only thing that matters, but it helps :-) ), and is just a good person.  We have hung out twice, and he has been nothing but a gentelmen.  The comments he made to me were that I was a really cool person and he loved how comfortable and at ease we were around each other - - none of that really new person anixiety.  The first time we hung out, I didn't have those nervous scared, where is the nearest exit feelings.  The 2nd time, I did get a little antsy.  That was yesterday.  Today, I talked to him (through IM) and just told him up front about what I was feeling.  I tried to explain to him what my patterns are, how I kind of freak, but that he had nothing to do with it.  He was so understanding, and said he was fine giving me my space, and we would just stay friends until I felt better or I decided different.

I guess I wouldn't mind so much being single now if I didn't have thoughts of never marrying and having kids.  I really want to have kids some day.  Not even so much the married part (but I think if I got over my fear of relationships that might change).  I am still a virgin and I am not ashamed of that, but if I can't ever stay with a guy, will I ever not be..I guess I am going into to many what ifs.

I can't predict the future.  I can just do my best to continue in schooling, finish college, get my degree, and do what is best for me.

I think I'll stick around here..you guys make me feel much better.  That I am not the only weirdo in the world!  LOL
Sounds like you are pretty comfortable with this new guy. Also sounds like he is a pretty understanding guy. So do you feel more comfortable with him knowing that he is good with being just friends instead of worrying about a possible relationship? Don't even think about marriage or having kids right now, you just take one step at a time, all that will come later. Don't "what if" yourself to death here, just take one thing at a time, you have your whole life to worry about that other crap.
 
August 23, 2006, 6:46 pm CDT

Love Being Single

Quote From: skwirl

Sounds like you are pretty comfortable with this new guy. Also sounds like he is a pretty understanding guy. So do you feel more comfortable with him knowing that he is good with being just friends instead of worrying about a possible relationship? Don't even think about marriage or having kids right now, you just take one step at a time, all that will come later. Don't "what if" yourself to death here, just take one thing at a time, you have your whole life to worry about that other crap.
You are such a sweethart and made me feel tons better! 

I am actually going to say hi to "this boy" right now.  Usually, I find excuses to stay away, but I am just going to do it.  I know it doens't sound like much, but once I decide I am scared and run again, I usually don't go back.

I really love it here.  The support system is great!  I can't believe, seeing as I watch Dr. Phil bout every day, that I haven't come here before!

I'll keep everyone updated!  Thanks again so much!
 
August 28, 2006, 11:13 am CDT

I am single and love it.

I have been single for  the past yr. and I'm keeping it that way.

Why? because I just got out of a crazy relationship w/ someone i've been involved w/ for 13yrs. I feel as though men don't truly understand a good woman when they have one. So I want to just live the rest of my yrs. being single and raising my children.

Don't get me wrong I will always love men but I would rather just have friends now.

Thank you.

 

 

 

Narnilla  

 
September 8, 2006, 6:20 am CDT

so now what

so i took the advice given to me and i feel alot better because i have realized that just because other women are beautiful that doesn't mean that i'm not again thank you. i don't fell so bad when he looks at other women now and he has been trying not to do it around me so much and deleted the video on his phone which i did not ask him to do or even hint about so here i go thinking that he cares about my feelings, wrong. over the last few days i have noticed that there has been a lot of pornography looked up on my computerand it s always when i'm at work. i have a 13 year old daughter so i keep very close track of what sites are visited. in the beginning of our relationship this was an issue and i told him point blank that i could never be with any one who is really into that stuff. now i know that i am about to tar everyone with the same brush, it has been my experience though. i have known 4 men in my life that were into porn, 2 are child molesters, 1 was a cronic self pleaser shall we say, and one is one of the worst cheaters i've ever met. so needless to say it has left a very bad taste in my mouth. anyways a couple days ago i sat down everyone in the house and aknowledged that there was porn being looked at on the computer and i didn't single anyone out just stated that whoever was doing it better stop i was up front from the beginning and will not accept this into my life i told him that if he was the one doing it and it didn't stop he could pack his bags. when i came home from work last night and he tells me he was looking up porn and i will be mad. i stopped caring about him right there and i dont know what to do i have lost all sexual interest in him and cant even look him in the eye. i dont want to do anything for him and i have lost will to even discuss it. usually im right in your face telling whats wrong cause i want to fix it this time i dont even care if he ever knows whats wrong.

i'm very sorry about the length i didnt know how to shorten in

please reply

 
September 9, 2006, 8:47 am CDT

run away run away ....

Quote From: debgirl27

so i took the advice given to me and i feel alot better because i have realized that just because other women are beautiful that doesn't mean that i'm not again thank you. i don't fell so bad when he looks at other women now and he has been trying not to do it around me so much and deleted the video on his phone which i did not ask him to do or even hint about so here i go thinking that he cares about my feelings, wrong. over the last few days i have noticed that there has been a lot of pornography looked up on my computerand it s always when i'm at work. i have a 13 year old daughter so i keep very close track of what sites are visited. in the beginning of our relationship this was an issue and i told him point blank that i could never be with any one who is really into that stuff. now i know that i am about to tar everyone with the same brush, it has been my experience though. i have known 4 men in my life that were into porn, 2 are child molesters, 1 was a cronic self pleaser shall we say, and one is one of the worst cheaters i've ever met. so needless to say it has left a very bad taste in my mouth. anyways a couple days ago i sat down everyone in the house and aknowledged that there was porn being looked at on the computer and i didn't single anyone out just stated that whoever was doing it better stop i was up front from the beginning and will not accept this into my life i told him that if he was the one doing it and it didn't stop he could pack his bags. when i came home from work last night and he tells me he was looking up porn and i will be mad. i stopped caring about him right there and i dont know what to do i have lost all sexual interest in him and cant even look him in the eye. i dont want to do anything for him and i have lost will to even discuss it. usually im right in your face telling whats wrong cause i want to fix it this time i dont even care if he ever knows whats wrong.

i'm very sorry about the length i didnt know how to shorten in

please reply

this is not someone who cares about you and how you feel, clearly

get out of this situation ASAP.

better to be alone than woth someone who makes you feel bad.

whenyou arae alone, you can always seek out new friends or new activities you and your daughter might enjoy.

when you are hooked up with someone who disrespects you, you are stuck, can't even seek out new, positive, fun experiences.

best of luck with everything, but i think you shoud leave or get him out of your life as soon as you can. everyone desrves a life as happy as they can make it. living with someone like this doesn't sound like it makes you happy -- get out, if you can.

 
September 10, 2006, 1:18 pm CDT

You Go Girl!

Quote From: musicallady38

I have been single for  the past yr. and I'm keeping it that way.

Why? because I just got out of a crazy relationship w/ someone i've been involved w/ for 13yrs. I feel as though men don't truly understand a good woman when they have one. So I want to just live the rest of my yrs. being single and raising my children.

Don't get me wrong I will always love men but I would rather just have friends now.

Thank you.

 

 

 

Narnilla  

Good job, way to get out and do what you need to do for yourself and your kids.  
 
September 11, 2006, 6:22 am CDT

dont want to take the easy way out

Quote From: idaisy555

this is not someone who cares about you and how you feel, clearly

get out of this situation ASAP.

better to be alone than woth someone who makes you feel bad.

whenyou arae alone, you can always seek out new friends or new activities you and your daughter might enjoy.

when you are hooked up with someone who disrespects you, you are stuck, can't even seek out new, positive, fun experiences.

best of luck with everything, but i think you shoud leave or get him out of your life as soon as you can. everyone desrves a life as happy as they can make it. living with someone like this doesn't sound like it makes you happy -- get out, if you can.

i know that i may have to leave that is what i am trying not to do because that is what i've always done. when things get rough or to deep or intimate i run. i dont want to do it that way anymore. i am not discarding what you've said, i just dont think it is completely accurate to say that he is not someone who cares how i feel 99.5 percent of the time he does every little thing that i ask. i know that he has some sexual problems, every girl he has been with has encouraged cheating and pornography and the first time that i brought it up to him he was genuinely surprised that anyone would have a problem with porn. i have done a lot of background work on him, i was best friends with his mom for 2 years before we even met so i know pretty much everything about him. if its possible he was more shut down and afraid than i am. i guess what i'm saying is that i know how to leave what i'm asking is how do i stay. most of the time we are very happy we spend a lot of time together and we laugh a lot its just that the second i feel hurt at all i shut down all emotions with him. you see i am n love with him and that is a very hard thing for me to deal with because of my magor fear of intimacy. I know how bad it hurts when someone i just really like hurts me and i can only imagine how bad it would hurt if he did. i wear my shield at all times and it is always ready to wrap around me. i just dont want to turn on the old burners and have running being my first and only option so if there is anyway that i could get some advice on how to help this relationship i would really apprieciate it. i'm almost thirty and i think its probly time that i grow up and start taking a relationship seriously for once cause it certainly isnt doing my daughter any good to see me with a new man every 3-4 months i want her to believe that there are relationships out there that work and show her that sometimes work is exactly what it takes.
 
September 16, 2006, 4:36 pm CDT

is there something wrong with me?

Hello. I am new to this board. I am 25 and been single my whole life. I think I am probably too ugly since I never had much luck with women. I am straight.  I am really shy and very quiet.  I have a hard time making friends. Will I ever find someone? Its really hard for me to trust someone these days because there is so many cheaters out there which is one of the many reasons why I was afraid of relationships even though I always hope I can find someone who can be faithful. Is there something wrong with me?
 
November 19, 2006, 7:40 am CST

Helloooo

 Anyone out there still love being single? I do!!
 
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