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Topic : Sex

Number of Replies: 1104
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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:03:20 pm
Author : dataimport
Are you getting enough? Maintaining the sizzle? Or just too tired to even think about it?

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April 1, 2008, 8:40 am CDT

At Witz end

I have just joined and have read so many posts by others on the sexless marriage.  I have been married almost two years now and this is my second husband.  I have one adopted son, one son from my previous husband and one son with my current husband.  Divorce is not an option for me because I love my husband with all my heart.  He is in every way the perfect guy.  Except of course in the bedroom.  I have examined our relationship and have even approached him with suggestions and they have all worked........each for about three months.  However none of them changed the number of times we have sex.   So far this year we have had sex twice.  I have tried every thing except therapy only because the closest therapist is over four hours away and that is not feasible with jobs and kids and gas prices.  This message board is my last hope.  Like so many of you, I too am the one you initiates the sex.  My husbands head hits the pillow and he is out like a light.  And on the rare occasion he doesn't fall asleep right away it's like his man land is not connected to his brain.  Crude, but I can play with him for 15 to 20 minutes and I give up because I get physically tired of trying.  This is how it has been for the last 13 months and I honestly think I'm slowing slipping into some type of depression.  I remind myself on a daily basis to live each day for my kids and try to remind myself to do something nice for me too.  But I can only do so much to my hair, I have to many shoes and purses and makeup has become more like work.  This may sound wrong but  do find some comfort in the fact that I'm not alone in my situation but what makes this whole problem the worst is that I can be sitting right next to my husband in the comforts of our own home and feel so utterly alone.  That is the most crushing to me.  So if anyone out there has found little things that work or anything that works please respond.
 
April 1, 2008, 4:41 pm CDT

Sex

Quote From: twoxslonely

I have just joined and have read so many posts by others on the sexless marriage.  I have been married almost two years now and this is my second husband.  I have one adopted son, one son from my previous husband and one son with my current husband.  Divorce is not an option for me because I love my husband with all my heart.  He is in every way the perfect guy.  Except of course in the bedroom.  I have examined our relationship and have even approached him with suggestions and they have all worked........each for about three months.  However none of them changed the number of times we have sex.   So far this year we have had sex twice.  I have tried every thing except therapy only because the closest therapist is over four hours away and that is not feasible with jobs and kids and gas prices.  This message board is my last hope.  Like so many of you, I too am the one you initiates the sex.  My husbands head hits the pillow and he is out like a light.  And on the rare occasion he doesn't fall asleep right away it's like his man land is not connected to his brain.  Crude, but I can play with him for 15 to 20 minutes and I give up because I get physically tired of trying.  This is how it has been for the last 13 months and I honestly think I'm slowing slipping into some type of depression.  I remind myself on a daily basis to live each day for my kids and try to remind myself to do something nice for me too.  But I can only do so much to my hair, I have to many shoes and purses and makeup has become more like work.  This may sound wrong but  do find some comfort in the fact that I'm not alone in my situation but what makes this whole problem the worst is that I can be sitting right next to my husband in the comforts of our own home and feel so utterly alone.  That is the most crushing to me.  So if anyone out there has found little things that work or anything that works please respond.
The closest therapist to you is 4 hours away? Where do you live?

The problem with your question is that you are making this your problem to fix. It's not your problem, it's his.

You should see if this therapist that is 4 hours away can do conference calls with the two of you.

But you aren't the one who has a problem, it's your husband.
 
April 1, 2008, 5:37 pm CDT

Sex

Quote From: rainpainrain

While that might be true for you that isn't true for everyone and from everything I have ever read it's not true for MOST people.

Most people do want to have a sex life, and being in your 50's isn't as old as you are making it out to be! My goodness! I know a LOT of people in their 50's who feel sex has new meaning and freedom. They have the house to themselves again, they are past silly superficial worries that hang people up in their 20's.

No offense meant, but you have been married for 36 years and you still feel the need to suck in your gut or having perfectly soft skin? I have been married just under 9 years and I am past that...our sex life has evolved past those things and it's more about connecting our bodies and experiencing a physical culmination of joy. And we do that when I have hairy legs sometimes! LOL

It's not right to belittle sex just because you don't enjoy it. And for goodness sakes! You are only 53! Not 89!!!!

Oh no, I would not belittle sex. I always loved it when we did have it. I just meant that if you love someone and they can't perform as you would have them, why push?For some people it doesn't hold the spiritual meaning of freedom, or physical joy. 

Some people can never get over the superficial worries of their bodies. With the media pounding on us day after day, to look a certain way, it  makes it incredibly hard to.  At 53, unless you go into debt, you certainly can't change your body either, unless you have a huge amount of disposable income. 

But truthfully, I believe neither of us were physically ever really attracted to each other anyway. I think it was our minds and ideas that attracted us to each other. He has always been attracted physically to darker skinned women as sexual. I don't fit the profile. We are of white european descent.  His parents are German and after the children were  born they stopped having sex as they were Catholic as well. When the children left home they didn't even share the same bedroom. I'm sure that has something to do with his ideas. My mother and father were lovers until my father passed away.

Anyway, I'm happy for those people who still connect on a sexual level, I just think at my age I'm not very sexually desirable.

 
April 1, 2008, 11:11 pm CDT

Sex

Quote From: crazydogs

Oh no, I would not belittle sex. I always loved it when we did have it. I just meant that if you love someone and they can't perform as you would have them, why push?For some people it doesn't hold the spiritual meaning of freedom, or physical joy. 

Some people can never get over the superficial worries of their bodies. With the media pounding on us day after day, to look a certain way, it  makes it incredibly hard to.  At 53, unless you go into debt, you certainly can't change your body either, unless you have a huge amount of disposable income. 

But truthfully, I believe neither of us were physically ever really attracted to each other anyway. I think it was our minds and ideas that attracted us to each other. He has always been attracted physically to darker skinned women as sexual. I don't fit the profile. We are of white european descent.  His parents are German and after the children were  born they stopped having sex as they were Catholic as well. When the children left home they didn't even share the same bedroom. I'm sure that has something to do with his ideas. My mother and father were lovers until my father passed away.

Anyway, I'm happy for those people who still connect on a sexual level, I just think at my age I'm not very sexually desirable.

I understand what you are saying...I just really dislike the idea of people being complacent with unhappiness....makes me really sad.

I truly can appreciate where you are coming from. My husband and I have a great deal of intimacy in our conversations. We are driven by intellect together more than sexuality.

But if you are truly happy then I am not going to condescend to you by saying "I'm sorry for you." because that is just insulting! LOL

Honestly, if you are happy, then that is all that matters to me! I just like to speak up if I see someone unhappy. Life is too short...
 
April 2, 2008, 5:18 am CDT

Deep in rural america

Quote From: rainpainrain

The closest therapist to you is 4 hours away? Where do you live?

The problem with your question is that you are making this your problem to fix. It's not your problem, it's his.

You should see if this therapist that is 4 hours away can do conference calls with the two of you.

But you aren't the one who has a problem, it's your husband.
I live in a very remote rural area surrounded by farmers so must of my fustration is taken out by running through corn fields.  It works sometimes...LOL   Let me explain a little better....the last time both my husband and I went to our Dr. and I brought up the fact that our love life isn't going anywhere and our Dr. suggested he take the little bule pill but that is the farthest thing from his problem, it's just has a mind of it's own but his is usually sleeping.  So the Dr. suggested that he may be sleep deprived or chemical imbalance.  So when my husband saw the Dr next, the Dr. explained my comcerns and blood work was drawn and well we went through the process to find that he is just fine.  Of course after that  I felt like a nypho but o well.  Last night I did feel confident especially after getting this off my chest at this message board, so I took a shower after dinner, fixed up my hair, put on light make-up and proceded to try and woo my husband.  At last to no avail.  The therapist doesn't do conference calls because of the HIPPA law, believe me I've asked.  I understand your advice that this is his problem and not mine, but after what seems like constant rejection I am at a loss when it comes to what I do next.  Other than voicing my concerns, trying to set romantic encounters and letting him get all the sleep he may need, I feel like I have tried it all.  Thank you though for responding, it is greatly appreciated.
 
April 3, 2008, 9:07 pm CDT

almost ready to leave over lack of sex

Hi everyone.  This is my first post.  I've read so many of yours that I don't feel like I'm alone in saying I am tired of being sexually deprived and having my sexual advances toward my husband turned down time after time.  I am 22 years old, my husband is 24 and  we have have been married for 4 years now.  We have had ALOT of problems and I mean ALOT!!!  I have left him several times and it seems like he just doesn't get the message.  However please don't think me shallow, the reasons I left him before were for the lack of sex only because it seemed he could give more attention to other women than he could me.  I know me going back probably told him that he could do what ever he wanted and was probably a mistake but I didn't want to give up on my marriage.  There have been so many problems that it would be virtually impossible to name them all so I will just get down to the past year or so.

January 2007 we decided to try harder to make things work... Then February he went behind my back and joined the military and I had no idea he was going to do so until a recruiting officer called me and asked for my personal information.  I wanted him to do what he had to do to make himself happy and not hold him back even though I was very upset as we had both agreed from the beginning of our marriage the military would never be a problem.  I tried to talk him out of it before he signed all the paper work but my mother in law would not relent in pushing him toward a career in the Navy.  We had a nice home and a comfortable income but I think he felt inferior that I made more money than he did. But the next four months that followed except for the stress produced by his upcoming departure for the military were the best our marriage has ever know.  For once he was helping around the house and our sex life was the best it ever had been.  He left in May, two weeks later no word from him in boot camp.  I was starting to get concerned.  A few more days go by I get a phone call and he has to read this disturbingly graphic letter he'd wrote to a female recruit that he was in boot camp with.  I was furious!!! 

At that point I had told him I wanted a divorce... Though nothing had physically happened it may as well have from what he'd written in that letter.  But after months of him begging while he was in A school and him telling me that it was all because of mental pressure in boot camp and blah blah blah.... I just decided he was immature and that I would try to work it out.  November he finally came home and things between us were great but in December we moved to our first duty station by January his ex from 6 years before we got married started calling again and had been a nagging part of many of our marital problems. He stopped calling her but not until I happened to find her phone number in his phone when I went to call my mom because my phone was dead. But even before this our sex life was starting to deteriorate.  We only have sex on weekends if I'm luck and I'm just tired of initiating all the time.  He always says he's too tired but I work a full time job, do all the cooking, cleaning, shopping and everything else!!!  This has been going on so long now that I'm starting to resent him and am getting to the point where I don't care if he's here or not.  I dread coming home and seeing him knowing I have to avoid him so not get aroused then have my attempts to seduce him smashed like an unwanted pest. When we do have sex its more like he's doing a chore than enjoying it.  I simply can't understand how his sex drive vanished so quickly and I don't believe the crap about being too tired and all that because I used to work 80 + hours a week and was still able to preform.  I don't believe he's cheating because I can't find any evidence, he doesn't have any physical disorder to prevent him from preforming, so I'm just at wits end.

My question is simply this, is it just me or is it time to pack my bags, cut my losses and go back home and move on?  I feel just as alone with him as without him and every day I die a little more inside from feeling undesired, unappreciated, and mostly undersexed.  Every day my love for him is fading more and more... What can I do?

 
April 5, 2008, 12:06 am CDT

Sex

Quote From: naenae1218

Hi everyone.  This is my first post.  I've read so many of yours that I don't feel like I'm alone in saying I am tired of being sexually deprived and having my sexual advances toward my husband turned down time after time.  I am 22 years old, my husband is 24 and  we have have been married for 4 years now.  We have had ALOT of problems and I mean ALOT!!!  I have left him several times and it seems like he just doesn't get the message.  However please don't think me shallow, the reasons I left him before were for the lack of sex only because it seemed he could give more attention to other women than he could me.  I know me going back probably told him that he could do what ever he wanted and was probably a mistake but I didn't want to give up on my marriage.  There have been so many problems that it would be virtually impossible to name them all so I will just get down to the past year or so.

January 2007 we decided to try harder to make things work... Then February he went behind my back and joined the military and I had no idea he was going to do so until a recruiting officer called me and asked for my personal information.  I wanted him to do what he had to do to make himself happy and not hold him back even though I was very upset as we had both agreed from the beginning of our marriage the military would never be a problem.  I tried to talk him out of it before he signed all the paper work but my mother in law would not relent in pushing him toward a career in the Navy.  We had a nice home and a comfortable income but I think he felt inferior that I made more money than he did. But the next four months that followed except for the stress produced by his upcoming departure for the military were the best our marriage has ever know.  For once he was helping around the house and our sex life was the best it ever had been.  He left in May, two weeks later no word from him in boot camp.  I was starting to get concerned.  A few more days go by I get a phone call and he has to read this disturbingly graphic letter he'd wrote to a female recruit that he was in boot camp with.  I was furious!!! 

At that point I had told him I wanted a divorce... Though nothing had physically happened it may as well have from what he'd written in that letter.  But after months of him begging while he was in A school and him telling me that it was all because of mental pressure in boot camp and blah blah blah.... I just decided he was immature and that I would try to work it out.  November he finally came home and things between us were great but in December we moved to our first duty station by January his ex from 6 years before we got married started calling again and had been a nagging part of many of our marital problems. He stopped calling her but not until I happened to find her phone number in his phone when I went to call my mom because my phone was dead. But even before this our sex life was starting to deteriorate.  We only have sex on weekends if I'm luck and I'm just tired of initiating all the time.  He always says he's too tired but I work a full time job, do all the cooking, cleaning, shopping and everything else!!!  This has been going on so long now that I'm starting to resent him and am getting to the point where I don't care if he's here or not.  I dread coming home and seeing him knowing I have to avoid him so not get aroused then have my attempts to seduce him smashed like an unwanted pest. When we do have sex its more like he's doing a chore than enjoying it.  I simply can't understand how his sex drive vanished so quickly and I don't believe the crap about being too tired and all that because I used to work 80 + hours a week and was still able to preform.  I don't believe he's cheating because I can't find any evidence, he doesn't have any physical disorder to prevent him from preforming, so I'm just at wits end.

My question is simply this, is it just me or is it time to pack my bags, cut my losses and go back home and move on?  I feel just as alone with him as without him and every day I die a little more inside from feeling undesired, unappreciated, and mostly undersexed.  Every day my love for him is fading more and more... What can I do?

It's time to pack your bags. You are 22...you are 22!!! You are ONLY 22. Please...stop wasting your time with this guy.  Is the only "cheating" you really care about physical? I wish I could inject into your brain how I feel. I'm not that much older than you...I'm only 29, but I will tell you something.

And please listen.

The next several years of your life you are going to learn a hell of a lot about yourself. Don't let these words turn you off, I am NOT trying to talk down to you. But you are still so young...too young for this much baggage...get out. Live your life as an adult woman on your own. Make money, save it, have a little responsible fun. Take trips...seriously...this marriage that you've described in this post is not going to go anywhere...not like this.

Get out...and stay out...you say you've left several times and he doesn't get the message? He IS getting the message, your message so far is "I will always come back to you no matter what you do to me."

Go find yourself a guy who really digs the woman you are.
 
April 11, 2008, 2:11 pm CDT

What if there was NEVER sexual attraction

Hi everyone,

I'd love to hear any and all input here. Nine years ago, I married a man that I was never physically/sexually attracted to. And I mean NEVER. We always had great sex....he's a good lover. We also had a good relationship in terms of communication, etc. However, the only guys I've ever been physically/sexually attracted to are NOTHING like my husband. They are all thin, dark hair, beautiful eyes, etc. My husband is heavy, broad, light hair and beady eyes. I'm having so much trouble lately with sex because I can no longer ignore the fact that I find my husband unattractive. I don't like the way he looks, the way he smells, NOTHING appeals to my senses. I don't like the sound of his voice, his attitude, his opinions, his humor, etc. It's really bumming me out. My question is, can a marriage survive this?!!

 
April 11, 2008, 11:29 pm CDT

Sex

Quote From: angela730

Hi everyone,

I'd love to hear any and all input here. Nine years ago, I married a man that I was never physically/sexually attracted to. And I mean NEVER. We always had great sex....he's a good lover. We also had a good relationship in terms of communication, etc. However, the only guys I've ever been physically/sexually attracted to are NOTHING like my husband. They are all thin, dark hair, beautiful eyes, etc. My husband is heavy, broad, light hair and beady eyes. I'm having so much trouble lately with sex because I can no longer ignore the fact that I find my husband unattractive. I don't like the way he looks, the way he smells, NOTHING appeals to my senses. I don't like the sound of his voice, his attitude, his opinions, his humor, etc. It's really bumming me out. My question is, can a marriage survive this?!!

What you are saying is much more than LOOKS...his opinions? His humor? His attitude? Those have nothing to do with not having beautiful eyes.

Honestly...there is much more going on here. If you'd rather talk through email feel free to email me...but there is more to this story...there has to be.

My husband has gained a lot of weight over the years, we too have been married 9 years. He's not what he looked like when we met...however the love we share transcends this. I look at him and his beauty is the memories we share, what a wonderful father he is, what a hard worker he is, the things he says, his brilliant mind, his humor, his attitude and his opinions.

What DO you love about him?


 
April 12, 2008, 9:09 am CDT

More to the story...

Quote From: PennyLane78

What you are saying is much more than LOOKS...his opinions? His humor? His attitude? Those have nothing to do with not having beautiful eyes.

Honestly...there is much more going on here. If you'd rather talk through email feel free to email me...but there is more to this story...there has to be.

My husband has gained a lot of weight over the years, we too have been married 9 years. He's not what he looked like when we met...however the love we share transcends this. I look at him and his beauty is the memories we share, what a wonderful father he is, what a hard worker he is, the things he says, his brilliant mind, his humor, his attitude and his opinions.

What DO you love about him?


You're right. There is more to the story. I met my husband after we both suffered emotionally wrenching break ups. We commiserated and one thing led to another. Long story short, he asked me to marry him and I said yes, knowing that he wasn't the right one for me. I still don't know why I did it...loneliness, feeling so bad for him because he was so sad, or maybe because he was the complete and utter opposite of the guy who left me (and, subconsciously, less likely to leave me?)

 

He looks pretty much the same as when I met him, so this isn't a situation where he's gotten "worse" with age. I've just never felt that "connection" with him (mentally/spiritually) and certainly no physical "spark" whatsoever. We don't share any views, from politics to social issues to child rearing, etc. We raised his two daughters, and we have a five year old son together, and we fought loudly and angrily about how to raise them, etc. He's always been an angry, selfish, loud, aggressive, and boorish person.

 

This lack of "connection" with him led me down a destructive path. Years of anger and resentment and fights culminated in me leaving him last March. I told him I wanted a divorce, and I started talking to and meeting up with a man that I always thought was "the one" for me. Sure enough, after 22 years of separation, this man and I fell into each other's arms and cried like little kids when we saw each other again. My heart had never felt so full. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him.

 

But my husband had other plans. After divorcing me, he tortured us. He followed us. He went after this guy. He threatened his life, his mother's life, etc. He threatened me. He told my son horrible things about us. He told my family horrible things about us (they took his side). He told everyone in our small town horrible things about us. I had to call the police a number of times. After about a year of this, I told this man that I couldn't take what was happening to my son. He couldn't either. I told him I was going back to my ex, that I owed it to my son to do everything I could to restore his home and his happiness. He admitted that he was emotionally drained too, tired of watching his back, wondering when my ex would appear around the corner and "do him in".

 

We cried and cried. We debated. And we cried some more. And finally, we let each other go. I still think about him every day. And I still cry.

 

So I went back. To my ex's credit, he has turned things around. He is attentive with me and our son. We went to family counseling for a while. I told him I would never marry him again, but that I would be willing to try and rebuild a relationship for my son's sake. He is helping around the house. His anger is under control. He really seems to understand what he did wrong and is trying to fix it.

 

But obviously it can't change who he is. As for me, I am honest with my ex about how I feel. He knows that I was never attracted to him. He knows that I am still not. He knows that I still have feelings for the other man. He is waiting patiently for me to "get it out of my system". He knows that I only came back because I couldn't stand what he was doing to our son. He says it bothers him that I didn't come back because I love him. I love him because he's my son's father. He's a hard worker and a good provider. He's trying hard. Sometimes I like him. But most of the time, I don't like the way he thinks, the things he says, his humor, his attitude, or his opinions. I just ignore it and resign myself to the fact that I am an adult, and that sometimes, as adults, we have to sacrifice what we want for the health and well being of our kids.

 

 

 
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