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Topic : Sex

Number of Replies: 1104
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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:03:20 pm
Author : dataimport
Are you getting enough? Maintaining the sizzle? Or just too tired to even think about it?

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October 17, 2007, 6:06 am CDT

I don't know

I have never done this before, but I have no one I can talk to. Any advice would be great...

 

Just last week my husband and I went to a couples workshop in AZ. The only issues in our 7 year marriage were his anger and my nagging. We thought of this trip has kind of a mini vacation away from the kids and something that could bring us closer together. The 1st two days were fine and then it went down hill...way down hill. The therapists were trying to see how easy it was to trigger his anger, they had this planned and we had no clue it was coming. We had two of them leading the group a male and a female. My husband and I were called up and the man tried to trigger my husbands anger by making a rude comment, the woman backed him up and boy did it work. But my husband yelled at the woman and not the man. He pointed out that he was the one to trigger him, but he yelled at the woman. Shortly after that he then asked my husband a series of questions..."have you ever been sexually abused" "did your parents expose you to sexually material at an early age?" "did your father abuse you or your mother?" he answered no to all. BUT then he asked my husband such an off the wall question I just couldn't believe it! "Have you ever had a same sex relationship?" and he answered "yes". I could not believe it. What?! We have been together for 8 years and never, ever, in a million years would I have guessed. E V E R. I felt sick. So very sick. I just sat there, like a deer in headlights, I froze. We took  a break for lunch, and I just didn't know what to do, say, think, feel, or act. I asked him all the questions I felt I needed answers to. He told me it was 11 years ago, he would have been 18, he was in an online chat room, he went to a mans apartment, had sex, and that was it. Now I should be fine, right? It was in the past. It has nothing to do with me or us. Right? I wish I felt that way...All I can do is think about it. I am still so shocked. I can't talk to family or friends. I just can't. I feel like our whole marriage is a lie. I think back to when we 1st met, he always says it was my "booty" that attracted him. And even his porn his Brazilian Anal. He only seems to get excited by those things. He swears that he felt gross and ashamed by it and that never would he do it again. He said he was planning on taking it to his grave and that he can't imagine his life without me. But I just can't stop thinking about it. I want to believe him and at the same time I want to run...

 

 

 
October 17, 2007, 1:55 pm CDT

High sex drive meets lack of sexual attraction

Never crossed my mind I'd go down this path, but extreme problems call for extreme measures. Any advice would be superbly appreciated. I'm new to this forum and have read about 60 pages without finding a post I can relate to in its entirety.

Without further due, my problem is I cannot bring myself up to make love to my wife. On the other hand, I have fantasies with about 8 out of 10 other women that cross my eyesight each and every day (at work, on the train, on the street, at the grocery store...everywhere, anywhere, anytime!).

While I love and respect my wife very much and consider her a very good person and excellent mother of two (we're both 35, with a toddler and an infant), I was the kind of guy that could never commit to the same gal - hence I had many sexual relations before marriage and would grow bored out of one and right into another. My sex drive is warp-like and I am obssessed with large breasts. So much so much I've had to relieve myself pretty much on a daily basis (yes, I'd rather masturbate than make a move on my wife). Even more so, it's gotten to the point that it hurts when summer rolls in and women dress more casually.

I began to realize this was a matter of lack of sexual attraction, however, my love for my wife and my children would never be compromised in the form of extra-marital actions. Still, I always wondered if I'd hold true to these words if that opportunity came to me and not the other way around. I don't want to find out.

All in all, I'm looking for help. Is there a way to fix sexual attraction or lack thereof?


 
October 26, 2007, 1:17 pm CDT

Feeling weird about interaction with husband

Okay, so the other night my husband and I go out to a party.  I drank quite a bit.  We come home, and I crashed - hard.  So he could get some sleep, he went to sleep in the guest room (we do this occasionally for sleep's sake).  Anyway, about 15 minutes after I fell asleep, he comes into the master bedroom and starts trying to make out.  He's being very intense, while I am completely dead to the world.  And being a total bear when I'm asleep, I tell him no!  I'm asleep!  So he then jumps angrily out of bed, turns on all the lights, gets lotion, comes back to the bed, and then sitting back on his ankles at the head of the bed, he proceeds to masturbate over my face.  I'm still 95% asleep (and drunk, to boot), but I wake up a little more.  At first I wasn't even totally aware of what he was doing, and I just asked him to turn out the lights.  Then I woke up a little more, and I dunno - it felt so wrong.  It really disturbed me.  He continued until he finished, and then he jumped up and left the room to go back and sleep in the guest room.  I don't want to be a prissy b***h, but I just felt used.  And now I'm having a hard time getting over it.  We talked about it the next day and he said he felt like a scumbag.  But I still am not feeling right about it.  So my question is: am I being unreasonable?  Is this normal?  Should I force myself to relax a little?  It just felt so disprespectful.  And I'm so unattracted to him right now.  How do I make myself feel attracted again???
 
October 26, 2007, 1:41 pm CDT

lack of affection

E and I have been married 7 years, but for the past 2 there has been no kissing, no affection and no sex. When I asked him what was wrong he told me to be patient, that was 2 yrs ago.  My patience is long gone.  We now live basically as roommates.  I miss my husband.  The odd thing is that we get along so well and we love to joke around, but that is not enough for me.  It seems as if he no longer feels the desire to feel the closeness of a human body, at least not mine   .  Im sure there is something else going on but i haven't a clue.  As far as cheating on me, I doubt it because  he is always home with me.  HELP!!!!!!!!!
 
October 29, 2007, 12:20 pm CDT

long ago

Quote From: lindzr1

I have never done this before, but I have no one I can talk to. Any advice would be great...

 

Just last week my husband and I went to a couples workshop in AZ. The only issues in our 7 year marriage were his anger and my nagging. We thought of this trip has kind of a mini vacation away from the kids and something that could bring us closer together. The 1st two days were fine and then it went down hill...way down hill. The therapists were trying to see how easy it was to trigger his anger, they had this planned and we had no clue it was coming. We had two of them leading the group a male and a female. My husband and I were called up and the man tried to trigger my husbands anger by making a rude comment, the woman backed him up and boy did it work. But my husband yelled at the woman and not the man. He pointed out that he was the one to trigger him, but he yelled at the woman. Shortly after that he then asked my husband a series of questions..."have you ever been sexually abused" "did your parents expose you to sexually material at an early age?" "did your father abuse you or your mother?" he answered no to all. BUT then he asked my husband such an off the wall question I just couldn't believe it! "Have you ever had a same sex relationship?" and he answered "yes". I could not believe it. What?! We have been together for 8 years and never, ever, in a million years would I have guessed. E V E R. I felt sick. So very sick. I just sat there, like a deer in headlights, I froze. We took  a break for lunch, and I just didn't know what to do, say, think, feel, or act. I asked him all the questions I felt I needed answers to. He told me it was 11 years ago, he would have been 18, he was in an online chat room, he went to a mans apartment, had sex, and that was it. Now I should be fine, right? It was in the past. It has nothing to do with me or us. Right? I wish I felt that way...All I can do is think about it. I am still so shocked. I can't talk to family or friends. I just can't. I feel like our whole marriage is a lie. I think back to when we 1st met, he always says it was my "booty" that attracted him. And even his porn his Brazilian Anal. He only seems to get excited by those things. He swears that he felt gross and ashamed by it and that never would he do it again. He said he was planning on taking it to his grave and that he can't imagine his life without me. But I just can't stop thinking about it. I want to believe him and at the same time I want to run...

 

 

It was a long time ago he was still a kid and experimenting and if he was going to take it to his grave I think he was ashamed of it. Well what ever you do dont run its not worth ending 7 years of hard work for something that happened when he was 18.
Hope this helps
 
October 29, 2007, 12:28 pm CDT

Sex

Quote From: klgoodrow

I don't have a problem with my husband watching and masturbating to it. I have caught my husband a few times. To me people have needs. If I am unable to help him with those needs then I rather him go watch some porn and take care of himself instead of going outside the home and having an affair. There are some times that we will watch porn together. Sometimes porn can show you how to spice things up in the sex department. Plus by knowing what your partner is into you can learn what it is you need to do to have a better sex life with that person. Sharing something together makes it better. Your partner is not your child. You don't have to right to tell that person what he/she can or can't do.
I so agree
 
November 5, 2007, 10:05 am CST

something to check out

Quote From: lindzr1

I have never done this before, but I have no one I can talk to. Any advice would be great...

 

Just last week my husband and I went to a couples workshop in AZ. The only issues in our 7 year marriage were his anger and my nagging. We thought of this trip has kind of a mini vacation away from the kids and something that could bring us closer together. The 1st two days were fine and then it went down hill...way down hill. The therapists were trying to see how easy it was to trigger his anger, they had this planned and we had no clue it was coming. We had two of them leading the group a male and a female. My husband and I were called up and the man tried to trigger my husbands anger by making a rude comment, the woman backed him up and boy did it work. But my husband yelled at the woman and not the man. He pointed out that he was the one to trigger him, but he yelled at the woman. Shortly after that he then asked my husband a series of questions..."have you ever been sexually abused" "did your parents expose you to sexually material at an early age?" "did your father abuse you or your mother?" he answered no to all. BUT then he asked my husband such an off the wall question I just couldn't believe it! "Have you ever had a same sex relationship?" and he answered "yes". I could not believe it. What?! We have been together for 8 years and never, ever, in a million years would I have guessed. E V E R. I felt sick. So very sick. I just sat there, like a deer in headlights, I froze. We took  a break for lunch, and I just didn't know what to do, say, think, feel, or act. I asked him all the questions I felt I needed answers to. He told me it was 11 years ago, he would have been 18, he was in an online chat room, he went to a mans apartment, had sex, and that was it. Now I should be fine, right? It was in the past. It has nothing to do with me or us. Right? I wish I felt that way...All I can do is think about it. I am still so shocked. I can't talk to family or friends. I just can't. I feel like our whole marriage is a lie. I think back to when we 1st met, he always says it was my "booty" that attracted him. And even his porn his Brazilian Anal. He only seems to get excited by those things. He swears that he felt gross and ashamed by it and that never would he do it again. He said he was planning on taking it to his grave and that he can't imagine his life without me. But I just can't stop thinking about it. I want to believe him and at the same time I want to run...

 

 

I am not going to try to make a big deal out of what he said, but I do want to tell you about a website that might help.  Gayhusbands.com is where you can talk about these things.  You don't have to "know" that your husband is gay first, before talking to them.  You mentioned his fascination with anal sex and that is one of the things they talk about there.  Also, some of the men will say it's disgusting or that they're ashamed, but they are attracted to men and can't change that.  It's just something to check out. 
 
November 5, 2007, 10:25 am CST

Lotoco

Quote From: lotoco

E and I have been married 7 years, but for the past 2 there has been no kissing, no affection and no sex. When I asked him what was wrong he told me to be patient, that was 2 yrs ago.  My patience is long gone.  We now live basically as roommates.  I miss my husband.  The odd thing is that we get along so well and we love to joke around, but that is not enough for me.  It seems as if he no longer feels the desire to feel the closeness of a human body, at least not mine   .  Im sure there is something else going on but i haven't a clue.  As far as cheating on me, I doubt it because  he is always home with me.  HELP!!!!!!!!!

Well, it sounds like he has no intention of having sex with you again.  Was he ever very interested in it?  I think he is just stalling so you won't leave him, leaving you hanging and waiting for some affection.  It's time to cut yourself loose, isn't it?  If you don't want to leave him, I guess the alternative is getting used to it and not torturing yourself with wishful thinking.

 

You have a roommate.  He seems to like the arrangement.  How old are you two?

 

Some guys who do that are gay and have quick sex in places where available men hang out.  Is that a possibility?  Some do it in restrooms in public places. 

 

You said you know something is going on.  What else comes to mind?  Is he addicted to porn?  Some guys decide it's easier to use porn--they don't have to deal with a real person that way.

 

Good luck.

 
November 5, 2007, 2:22 pm CST

Why, Denver?

Quote From: denver_co

Okay, so the other night my husband and I go out to a party.  I drank quite a bit.  We come home, and I crashed - hard.  So he could get some sleep, he went to sleep in the guest room (we do this occasionally for sleep's sake).  Anyway, about 15 minutes after I fell asleep, he comes into the master bedroom and starts trying to make out.  He's being very intense, while I am completely dead to the world.  And being a total bear when I'm asleep, I tell him no!  I'm asleep!  So he then jumps angrily out of bed, turns on all the lights, gets lotion, comes back to the bed, and then sitting back on his ankles at the head of the bed, he proceeds to masturbate over my face.  I'm still 95% asleep (and drunk, to boot), but I wake up a little more.  At first I wasn't even totally aware of what he was doing, and I just asked him to turn out the lights.  Then I woke up a little more, and I dunno - it felt so wrong.  It really disturbed me.  He continued until he finished, and then he jumped up and left the room to go back and sleep in the guest room.  I don't want to be a prissy b***h, but I just felt used.  And now I'm having a hard time getting over it.  We talked about it the next day and he said he felt like a scumbag.  But I still am not feeling right about it.  So my question is: am I being unreasonable?  Is this normal?  Should I force myself to relax a little?  It just felt so disprespectful.  And I'm so unattracted to him right now.  How do I make myself feel attracted again???

Denver, why would you want to "make" yourself feel attracted to him?  He's gross.  There is no logical reason to find that attractive.  What he did was disgusting, insensitive, disrespectful, pushy and definitely not attractive. 

 

Should you force yourself to "relax a little?"  Well, that depends.  In general, some relaxation is good for a person, but if you are thinking of trying to "relax" so you don't care what he has done (or will continue to do), then I would say no--don't do it.  You would be backing down on your own standards.  It's OK to have standards. 

 

No, you are not being unreasonable--not in my opinion.  No, it's not normal---NOT at all.

 

He said he "felt like a scumbag" because it was the typical kind of garbage you get from an abusive type of guy.  They know you think it, so they try to say it first, hoping you will think they are enlightened.  He is a scumbag.  Sorry if that sounds harsh, but it's my opinion.  If you have reason to disagree, let me know.  I will listen.

 

Does he force sex on you? 

 

There is nothing prissy about wanting to stay asleep when you are asleep.  There is nothing prissy about wanting sex when you feel like it.  There is nothing prissy about not wanting a guy to sit by your head and  jack off while you are drunk and practically asleep. 

 

You told him no.  That should be your answer right there.  What did he do?  He got angry.  He turned on all the lights while you were sleeping.  He masturbated over your face.  He was punishing you and you didn't do anything wrong.  I hope you can see that this is not the way a loving, caring man treats his wife.

 

How long have you been married to him?  Has he always been this way?  Do you have kids at home?  Does he drink a lot?  Do you?  I suggest you stop drinking and keep your eyes open; you need to be aware of what he is doing.  I'm not implying you are a problem drinker.  You said it was a party, so I assume you don't pass out drunk all the time.  You don't have any other females in the house, do you?  If you do, you might want to tell them to lock their doors.

 

It's only my opinion, but I think you're married to a creep and I hope you can find your way out of this mess.    I don't mean to say you're weak for being with him or anything like that.  Sometimes, someone's ugliness pops out and we suddenly see it.  Then it's time to re-evaluate the relationship.

 

Good luck and I really hope you will write back.

 
November 10, 2007, 12:24 pm CST

Lot

Quote From: tammy_anne

Been with my husband 12 years, second mariage for us both.

I told my hubby one time when he was stupid enough to coment on this beautiful woman on t.v to me! lol

Hun, I am not an idiot i know you can appreciate beauty just as much as the next guy, but first of all, I am not a guy pal that you share comments like this with! lol

Second, you are not a gal pal, and I am not going to make comments to you about a hotty totty guy!

third, more than happy that you have great eye site, but if you want to keep your fingers intack you will keep them to your self lol.

That is figurativley speaking, he got the point.

I believe there are very very few women that want to hear their husbands priase the beauty and attributes of another woman!

Can imagin how you are feeling, honestly, my hubby thought by his openess and sharing this information that he was being a modern guy! I said what the hell is a modern guy?!

He is 63 by the way lol. He said you know these couples that talk about other people of the oppisite sex and stuff with their mates.

I said uhuh...were the hell did you hear that was the modern thing? He said he read it on the internet, that couples do that, and they talk about how sexy other women and guys are.. and stuff.

I said okies, did you book mark the site? He said he did.

He rarely goes on the computer any more, and when he does surf the internet he looks at model airplanes and stuff, lol he can build them, but surfing the internet..well that is another whole ball game. I checked the site, and deleted it from his bookmark, it was a site for swingers LOL.

Not in this life time buddy LOL.I have never seen him get so red faced before! Actually kinda scared me lol.

However, it was hubbys motivation for testing out this "openess and talking about other womens attributes, and what have you". He honestly thought by sharing this that he felt it would bring us closer, like look hunny I am telling you this to reassure you that I love you! Yes, it is crazy, but he does hear all this about men getting in touch with their femimininity, and being in touch with the women in their lives. Yea, he got it wrong, but he really didn't mean any harm by it.

Hubby has taken up watching Dr.Phil lol, he was watching girly men episode, thankfully after the show he still went out side to play with his tools and yea get my sink full of axel grease or what ever the heck that is.

The look he gave me after the show was priceless, lol, he said I think I am just going to be one of those guys they call old school. LOL

So any way, hope that helped, and cheered you up a bit, yea men sometimes get it wrong, talk to your hubby about how this made you feel, and if he is needing more attention, that really is not going to make you inclined to be lovey dovey with him.

Let him know, Hey I am the most beautiful woman in your life, Tell me how beautiful I am, not how beautiful another woman is!

Yea sometimes, the men in our lives mess up, and sometimes they get some very odd ideas.

Millions of wives have probably gone through this exact same thing you are discribing, i think there is a book out that is titled ten things men should never do, Talking to your wife or girlfriend about the attractivness of another woman is one of them lol.

However, comfort yourself with this knowledge, if he was doing more or thinking of doing more than just admiring, you can be sure he sure would not have brought her up to you :).

Hugs

Tammy

 

 

 

 

Hi tammy thanks for response.  Really odd that you mentioned model airplanes. as my husband just ordered 2 remote control tanks.  Seems he will do anything to avoid me.  Sometimes i think he enjoys complementing other women to insult me.  i never get the compliments he loves to give other women, and isn't it odd that he has not wanted to have sex with me for the past two years?  Getting a hug is a struggle. and let's just forget a passionate kiss. actually forget what it feels like.  You mention talking to him. well after 2 years of talking and being told to be patient I have finally given up.  I realize now that he just wants a friend, not a wife.  Not sure what to do, but I am convinced that he is no longer in love with me.  Oh well,I guess that's how life is.  Sincerely. Lorraine
 
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