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Topic : He/She Won't Commit!

Number of Replies: 787
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Sunday, September 17, 2006, 04:12:30 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Is your relationship on the rocks because your mate won't commit? Are you more like friends than partners? How long should you date someone before some sort of commitment is expected? Share your stories and advice here.

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August 10, 2009, 8:35 am CDT

Need advice-4-1/2 years and counting.

This is a complicated situation to post here in one message but I'll try.  A little background info.... my fiance is 38 and I am 46.  He's not been married before, I have and i have 2 kids both grown.  He is a pastor's son and before he met me went through a 'conversion' of sorts and does not believe in Christianity or the bible.  I was raised Catholic and have had my disappointments in the church and am not a practicing Catholic but I do believe in God. 

We've been dating over 4 years and most aspects of our relationship are really good.  We both own our own places although for the past 3 years or so he's been staying with me.  He holds onto his place for appearance purposes for his mom & dad.  His mom & dad do not know about his non-beliefs now, he's been hiding that from them for years. 

Last December he gave me an engagement ring then he freaked out over it to the point of having chest pains.  I gave it back to him obviously because I knew he was not ready.  Then recently he hinted a couple of times that I should have it sized so I did and I'm wearing it. 

I am kind of baffled by his behavior and lack of talk about the future.  He is still hanging on to his house with no indication of getting it ready to sell. I bring up the subject once in awhile then it dies out. He rarely talks about the future and I am afraid to bring it up because it might freak him out.  I myself doubt our relationship because of all this and I'm not sure what to think. 

We've had some issues along the way over his obsession with pleasing his mother because he doesn't think his dad put her first throughout their marriage.  One thing he told me in the past is that he didn't want to get married because he didn't think he could get a divorce with his family's beliefs.  Although now he said he changed his mind and he said that if he really needed to he would get a divorce. 

What should I make of this?  It bothers me and I'm not sure where to go from here.  We love each other so I'm not sure what the problem is.

August 15, 2009, 10:07 pm CDT

He/She Won't Commit!

I have been dating my boyfriend for over 7 years, i am now 26 and he 28. We both have completed college, and now have our dream
jobs, yet I can't bring up marriage without him
shutting down. He reently
bought a home of his own, ( we
live apart) and has yet to include
me in any of his plans yet I have
provided much financial support for this
new home. We get along fantastic but have had our share of arguments. I am now wondering where the relationship goes from here? Do I wait around and pray that things change, or lose my best friend and the love of my life?
August 22, 2009, 4:46 pm CDT

Saying "I love you"

I have been dating a great guy for almost two years. We get along great, enjoy doing things together, and I love him a great deal. The problem is, when we first started dating, we went way too fast, with him moving in within a month. I had recently left a very abusive relationship and I needed to put the brakes on things. When I told my boyfriend I had changed my mind, he was very hurt and pretty much shut down. Since that time we have obviously worked through those issues and we are very happy, but he won't say "I love you" anymore. He admits he probably shut down. Now, he does nice things for me, is fairly considerate, says he considers this a committed relationship, and we certainly enjoy each other's company. I could see a future with him except that I don't want to live my life without hearing these words. He says he doesn't know if he'll ever say them again. I say, I'm the same person you said this to before. In some ways it feels like a punishment. Part of me says "move on" and part of me says to stay with it and be patient. Those three words are important - I know some people say actions speak louder than words. I just want both.
August 22, 2009, 4:52 pm CDT

The list should be about you

Quote From: van1941ca

I have been dating my boyfriend for over 7 years, i am now 26 and he 28. We both have completed college, and now have our dream
jobs, yet I can't bring up marriage without him
shutting down. He reently
bought a home of his own, ( we
live apart) and has yet to include
me in any of his plans yet I have
provided much financial support for this
new home. We get along fantastic but have had our share of arguments. I am now wondering where the relationship goes from here? Do I wait around and pray that things change, or lose my best friend and the love of my life?
A guy who just bought a home of his own and has yet to include you in his plans probably isn't going to. This guy has a short list that has me, myself, and I. He probably is a great guy, but at this point in his life he has a convenient relationship. After seven years, I'm surprised he isn't thinking about a house to share - and spending more and more time with you. That's what you deserve. Make yourself your own list and put aside all thoughts of him. Write down some goals and things you would like to do just for you within the next five years. See yourself outside of this relationship and I'll bet you might be able to see there might be someone waiting around the corner who would love to have a woman so supportive and considerate. One last hint because I've been there. Stop assisting him financially and make arrangements for repayment - in writing. I know - I am $80,000 poorer now though it seemed kind-hearted at the time.
August 26, 2009, 10:40 am CDT

drama rama

My boyfriend and I were together 2.5 years. We moved in together about 6 months ago. He encouraged it and he even wanted to buy a house together. Now he is freaking out saying that it was peer pressure to move in together. He says that I'm perfect for him and he deeply loves me however he doesn't want a relationship. He says that his parent's relationship is very unhappy and he doesn't want marriage. He says that he hates confrontation and has not wanted to tell me that he didn't want to really move in together, etc because he didn't want to hurt me. He also says that he wants to plan out his financial and educational aspects before he commits to a relationship. These all sounds like a confused boy that is making up a ton of excuses. My dad always has told me that boys will S___ or get off the pot. I need to learn how to move on. We aren't married but we have bought many things together and to move on feels like an unofficial divorce. Blah I'm 29 and I feel that is something that happens when you are 19! I have learned a lesson, I won't move in with someone till they are talking about committing for the long haul!
August 31, 2009, 5:53 pm CDT

Fiance wants to be Polygamous

I wasn't quite sure what board this should go in, but my girlfriend said she wanted us to have an open relationship.

We are 23; this is my first relationship;  she has had a number of relationships before.

I began dating my girlfriend about 2 years ago, and I asked her to marry me 9 months into our relationship. No official date was ever set due to financial issues, but about 6 months ago she decided to call off the engagement because she was upset that I wanted to get my career on track before going through with a wedding because I want to be able to provide for her because I feel it's important for the man to be well, a man.  It was quite a blow to me when she took off her ring, but I don't blame her since I should have been completely ready before I asked her to marry me.  We still talk about one day being married and having children however.

Over the last year, we have been arguing more and more about pointless topics.  She has been very depressed and she has dragged me down into a depression of sorts as well with constant comments of how I'm not a man and how I can't function in the world and I don't know anything.  Never-the-less I love her so much that I can't walk away from her, I want to get her out of her depression and live a happy married life with her.  We have recently purchased an apartment together, so it is a VERY serious relationship.

She has friended some people in the last year that have open polygamous relationships with their partners and she would like us to try that kind of a relationship.  It was originally brought up 6 months ago and I told her I wasn't really comfortable with the idea because even if I had her permission to sleep with others, I still feel like it's cheating and so I'm extremely morally conflicted.  She had an open relationship with a past boyfriend of hers, but it ended due to their miscommunication and not having proper ground rules to follow for a successful open relationship.

She just recently admitted to me that she finds me very boring and that she needs to find stimulation outside of our relationship by being intimate with other individuals.  She feels she has lost her self-identity by being with me for the past 2 years because I'm not a social party kind of person whereas she is.  I'm very introverted and shy and prefer to stay in with one other person intead of going out with a group.  She doesn't find me sexually attractive or intellectually stimulating anymore.  I've asked her to come to a relationship councellor with me, but she refuses due to having 2 past relationships end because the psychologist told her partner that she was a negative influence and they would be better off without her.

She feels I don't really know myself because my growth was stunted due to my parents being WAY too overprotective of me, which I completely agree with.  She says she knows me as well as I know myself, but she knows her ex-boyfriend 1000x more even though she dated him for less time because he was much more developed emotionally and knew who he was.  She says that this is the best relationship she's ever had because we can communicate so well with each other, but that our love is a very stable static boring kind of love.  She wants a more passionate rollercoaster kind of love.

I am very much considering trying the open relationship thing because I feel that it's the only option (other than us breaking up), but I'm extremely scared and confused and not sure how to make it work for us.  I do feel it will be beneficial because it will give me a chance to share myself and discover myself more with other people since I've only ever been with my current girlfriend.  And she'll be able to get what she's missing out on in our relationship from other people.  Some ground rules we've discussed are that our home is for us only (no outside relationships there), we are 100% open and honest about who and what we are doing with other people, we are upfront to other people about our open relationship status, we ALWAYS use protection, we spend quality time with each other, and if either of us wants to end the open relationship status, it's over, period.  I'm just so torn on what to do because I can't stand to see her go when I know we could have such a perfect forever-relationship.  I'm also really scared that I will become jealous because I know she will have no problem connecting with and finding other partners, but I am extremely fearful of connecting with people (she is the only person I've ever opened up to and trusted) and I have a very difficult time dating (it seems impossible to me) so she will be having plenty of sex on the side, but I will not be having any, which defeats the purpose of doing the whole open-relationship thing.  I just need some support and advice.
September 1, 2009, 10:36 am CDT

Need advice

I am 33 and dating a man the same age. We have been together for over 3 years. The topic of marriage comes up occassionally, but his answer remains pretty consistent. He is never sure if he is ready or he simply does not know if we should get married yet. I have been pretty patient and have no other complaints. We have a good relationship for the most part. He comes from a family full of divorce and multiple marriages. There is no real role model for him, and I have tried to be understanding. We have discussed all of this many times, and yet there does not seem to be any movement toward marriage. I am just torn with what to do next.
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