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Topic : Abuse

Number of Replies: 27088
New Messages This Week: 0
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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 04:59:59 pm
Author : dataimport

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August 3, 2005, 11:01 am CDT

To Mouser...

Aha… the stress you endured as a youngster by being a high achiever is EXACTLY why this is such an issue for you.  I understand more now. 



That doesn’t mean hubby is right to place that kind of burden on a 5YO! though.  I do think kids do need high standards but a standard that is TOO high will crush a child’s spirit because he can never achieve it.  So I would ask – is there a balance?




My rules for whether to voice my opinions/feelings and set boundaries regarding my kids are these -  Health, Safety, Emotional well-being.



If something is happening the jeopardizes the health of my kids, I step in.


If something is jeopardizing their safety, I step in.


If something is harming their emotional wellbeing, I step in.



Stepping in may require going through Hell and back too.  Doesn’t matter.  I have to do what I think is the right thing for my kids.



So, from where I’m sitting, you are doing what any prudent parent would do.  It may very well undermine hubby’s authority, but when what he is doing is damaging, you can’t just sit idly by.



With that said, I also believe in choosing my battles.  With my Ex it was extremely tough to set boundaries because he had little intention of honoring them.  So when I went to battle over an issue I needed to be prepared to go to war.  Too much war in the household also harmed my kids.  I waited WAY too long to leave – but there were reasons I stayed.  In hindsight I would have stayed gone the FIRST time I left the Ex.



As far as hubby’s need to be right, I can hear the good ‘ol doc now, “Do you want to be right or do you want to repair this relationship?”




From the sound of it, you are recovering from abuse and you are much further along in your recovery than most first-time posters.  GOOD FOR YOU!!



But I do want to repeat that you can let go of his negativity and self-pity and not allow him/his mood to drag you down if you want to.  Difficult? Yes.  Impossible?  No.  If I did it, you can.  Hubby can get HAPPY in the same pants he’s mad in.  It’s HIS choice.  That doesn’t mean you have to be unhappy when he is, because he is or because he wants you to be.  He can NOT control you if you don’t let him.  




I might say that hubby’s pouting is not necessarily an attention-getting mindgame, although it sure could be, it’s more likely a mindgame of manipulation.  You are seemingly being punished for asserting YOUR VERY VALID RIGHT to a happy life.  He can TRY to punish you, but you sure don’t have to let him succeed.  And I don’t think you are overall, but you are still having power struggles with your abuser which tells me you either still have some lessons to learn and/or need some more tools to take good care of you.



So in addition to boundary setting which you appear to have a good handle on, I suggest you practice the most wonderful art of “Letting GO with Love.”  It helped me.



I LOVE your plans about working from home!  I am VERY PLEASED to read that you have worked on your education!  These things tell me that you do take your happiness seriously.  They tell me that you have embraced that FACT you’re your happiness is YOURS and you are taking REAL steps to improve your situation. You keep doing that in spite of all the “sourness” that gets thrown your way and you WILL succeed! BRAVO!!



Since you mentioned a merry-go-round, I can say that abuse is a cycle – even verbal/emotional abuse.  There is a tension building phase, an explosion and a honeymoon phase – sometimes all in the course of a few minutes or hours.





With that written, know this…  When you stop playing the game, the game stops.



If you find that you are stuck on the merry-go-round, that also tells me that you are not finished with your recovery. 



Thing is… Recovery can take a while.  For me, it took 12 years to stop my victimization and sometimes I need a refresher every now and then so my own bad habits of peace-keeping and rescuing don’t get the best of me.  I also had about 6-7 DIFFERENT sources of support when I was at my worst.  Those included: family, friends, 3-4 support groups, and 4 different counselors.  ALL of these things helped.  The SINGLE BEST thing I did to heal was counseling.



Your recovery is your first priority or should be.  Once you are stronger, you will have the strength and insight to work on relationship repair or decide whether that’s worth it.



Sounds like you still have work to do; so when you can, go BACK to counseling ALONE.



Also there is a difference between your recovery and repairing your relationship with hubby.  Your recovery is KEY to YOUR happiness but it may also require that you either redefine/renegotiate your relationship with hubby because he is still, at a minimum, manipulative, controlling and self-entitled or end it all together. Repair requires that you guys meet in the middle and sometimes that is NOT healthy for a victim of abuse.  Also part of the KEY to your relationship’s recovery is figuring out whether you have a partner you can work with.  With my Ex, I eventually figured out that I didn’t, even though everyone else could see it, I had to figure it out for ME.  You will have to figure out whether you have someone who is capable and willing of being a TRUE partner.



Good news is… you are well on your way and you WILL get the clarity you need to decide what is best for you and your son.



I do think you need a bit MORE help (support), maybe some MORE tools (i.e. education/counseling), so I’ll dust off my booklist and post it.



August 3, 2005, 3:51 pm CDT

Hang in There

Quote From: lsforls

I know I did the right thing.  She is gone now.  I knew I could not ignore this, bury my head in the sand, retreat to my room & cry, or try to fix it!!!!!!!!!  I tried for more than 20 years to fix her father with no success!!!  I am not about to try to fix someone else!  Separating the 2 was the first priority.  I wanted my younger daughter to feel safe in her own home again.  She deserves at least that much!  A has picked on S since they were children - always threatening to hit her if she didn't do what she wanted.  They are not children any longer!  A is old enough to know better!  You're right, she blew it!  She had a wonderful chance to get back on her feet again here in her childhood home.  Had me snowed into believing that she herself was abused & suicidal.  Sad that she used my own past against me!!!  She knows that I feel used by her - I told her several times that I felt she "played" me to get here.  She was supposed to have a job BEFORE she moved in here but she didn't - lead me to believe she was at the end of her rope so I would let her come jobless!  Borrowed the money for the 3 months she lived here for "board" from friends.  Played games on the computer all day instead of properly taking care of the 3 year old OR looking for a job!!!  


I also tried to teach her to keep her hands to herself since she could talk!!!!!!!!  At 22, it's obvious that I didn't succeed!! 


I also think that her telling me she would have to live in her car was just another play for sympathy!


I'm a survivor & still trying to get my life back on track - NO - I don't need the added stress & drama!!!  Had enough of that to last a lifetime!!!  Doing well otherwise.  


Thanks for your reply!!!  God Bless - LS  >.< 

Hang in there, I will have a good thought for you


August 3, 2005, 4:00 pm CDT

Realgood2U, has many post on how to

Quote From: mouser4

J: I found Realgood2U but what I found had mostly to do with infidelity. Do you have a link? My primary concern now is for my son. I know that if left unchecked, my hubby’s antics will damage him. But my son also loves and dotes on his dad. Somehow I keep intervening and hoping he will get it, but I won’t wait forever.


Q: I do know perfection is a load. I was a high achiever in school, and had great anxiety over excellence. Over time and with maturity, I learned fear of failure doesn’t make you excellent, it holds you back. I don’t want my son burdened with those anxieties. When the hubby starts pulling his act, I do call him on it. He tells me I am undermining his parental authority and gets mad. I tell him browbeating isn’t proper parenting. I keep telling him, I am not just taking his crap, but he is on a self-pity trip when he isn’t crabbing.


I think I am fairly informed on what emotional/verbal abuse is, but more knowledge can’t hurt. I have some support, but yes, I could use more on this subject specifically. My sisters and friends do help. Otherwise, my family likes him; he is helpful and personable around others. He is much like his mother as are many of his siblings, having to run things, having to be right, to be better than others.


With the counseling I did receive, I learned about my own self destructive thinking patterns that allowed him to get to me in the first place, and I think my head is on pretty straight under the circumstances. This is just an exhausting struggle. His negativity and self-pity are tiring. At times I think he hears me and then we go backward. When he tries to push responsibility for his misery on me, I push it right back, but he is stubborn.


I have not yet sought any legal counsel, but should I decide it is time to go, I am not afraid to find it and act on my rights. As for other plans, I am working on a business I can do from home, one that uses my talents, and something I think I could really love doing. He of course, keeps suggesting low-wage entry-level type jobs. Heaven forbid I should ever be a success. He’s either discouraged or tolerated my educational pursuits.


Have I done everything? I am not sure. Some days I feel like he might be getting it, and others, we seem to be riding the same old merry-go-round of bull. Since I keep my emotional distance to protect myself, we can not be truly on the mend because he still plays to win, and will use any ammo I give him. I am just tired. The MS brings fatigue, so I don’t have the average fortitude. It is like new discipline for a child, it takes a long time for them to get you mean business, and that you won’t cave, but he got his way for a very long time. I just wish he’d grow up and get a friggin’ clue.




Realgood2U, has many post on how to protect yourself from a legal stand point. Things such as credit cards, and many things the average person going through stressful times may not think about. She post on here, and will probably read these post and give some input. She is blunt, and has no use for indidelity, so yes some of her post seem harsh. Her advice is on mark.
August 4, 2005, 7:41 am CDT

Hi DeHolland!!

I hope you are continuing your work on your recovery!


I hate to hear that you can't post -- what a pain!  Sometimes I do wonder if computers take away more enjoyment than they give.


Hope to hear from you soon!


Miss you!  Q

August 4, 2005, 11:11 am CDT

hi deholland!

hope everything is going smoothly for you and you can post soon!
August 5, 2005, 5:28 am CDT

another update

yesterday i phoned the court appointed family therapist and made an appt for the children to see him in the afternoon-he also felt it was a good idea given the weeks incidents.  i e-mailed my h to let him know.  he sent an e-mail back to me "how dare i make that type of decision regarding our children without his input and he can't be at the appt bc of a meeting and he insists on being at the childrens appts."!  I phone the therapist back and my h had already phoned him.  the therapist said that he tried to encouraged  my h to have the children come in, they needed to be seen by him, asap.  He said to me that i am the parent looking out for the childrens best interst and that he encourages me to keep the appt.  I e-mailed my attorney and she agreed i should keep the appt.  SOOOOO, i took the children to the appt.  My h showed up and dropped off an envelope for the therapist and left for his meeting.  the therapist said that the children opened up to him and he was glad that i brought them in.  After the appt, my d went to cheer, my son went to a friends house and i went to DV for a support group!  my h was at the court appointed "parenting classes" we had to attend. when i got home there was another e-mail from my h saying "your e-mail regarding the childrens appt is indictative of the problem.  you just make crucial life decision without my input.  from now into the future unless there are extenuating circumstances were i can not be reached, you need to contact my on any and all decisions concerning our children, house and pets.  you have no right to make these type of decisions on your own".  Ofcourse i forwarded the e-mail to my attorney and printed it out!  he is so sick!  In the mail yesterday I received a copy of a letter from my attoney that his attorney wrote. My h is denying any aligations/reasons I filed for my reasons for a divorce and he is asking the judge to dismiss the case.  I think that's all for now............................................................
August 5, 2005, 12:12 pm CDT

hey mars

I didn't want to go to trial either.  I thought that we were going to negotiate but it looks like now that my h is fighting every step of the way.  The only way right now to avoid a trial is if I dropped the divorce, period.  He doesn't want one and won't agree on anything at this point.  I'm kinda drained right now.............................................e-mail ya'?
August 5, 2005, 8:13 pm CDT

i know exactly how you feel

Quote From: alintime

Hi everyone. this is my first time here and I am very glad that I have found this message board. I have never said this to anyone or out-loud or even wrote it on paper but I am abused..I guess it falls under emotional or mental.. I don't even know. what I do know is that it is destroying me as a person. I have seen myself change so much, I am not who I used to be. I am not who I want to be. I just am now, Like a shell of a person, with not much feeling b/c I have turned myself off to others and even myself. i have been with this person for 11 years and married for 3 we have 2 children, and a nice home. I have found over the years that we argue about the same things over and over, He always brings up the past, I am the one who is always wrong, and he wont stop till I admit that.. the last argument we had left me feeling empty. very empty, and I don't know who to turn to, I don't want to involve my family , most of my friends are to judgmental, I want to start therapy, and I am scared that he wont go b/c he doesn't think he has a problem... so sry for rambling, but I just have to get this all out. It eating me alive inside. I hate how I feel, I have trouble functioning some days, b/c I'm consumed with disappointment and fear and worry, how do I make this work and get our life's back on track. How do I find me????
you wrote almost exactly how i feel.

i have been married for 5 years and have been verbally, emotionally,
physically abused. i lost myself a long time ago because of my H.

we went to counselling last year after he was arrested cuz of physical

he got defensive so i didnt want to go anymore. it worked some.
the physical stopped. i think he got scared after he was arrested,
plus everyone knew what he had done.

then he started to gamble. and lie to me. he lost $14000 of our
money. he promised to stop. then i just found out a month and
a half ago he was doing it behind my back again. when i confronted
him, he denied it and lied to me a bunch of times until i told him
the evidence i had.

he wanted to make me out to be the liar.

he has been insecure, jealous, controlling, immature, whiney,

i am not happy and have not been.

after i found out he gambled again a month and a half ago,
and he lied to me again, i told him i didnt love him and havent
for all these years. i have just been existing and he destroyed
who i am.

i am not happy now even though he wants me forever.

i hardly have feelings for him. i really dont want to be here.
i rather be with my kids alone.

so i know how you feel.

my husband was in denial for year til recently, because i
was about to leave. but it is like.....too little too late for
me emotionally.

i just have to have the guts to finally go. i am so
miserable i can hardly stand it. i am only in my 30's
and dont want to live unhappy forever.

love isnt abuse, lying, gambling and making your
spouse feeling like they are pure trash.
August 7, 2005, 10:49 pm CDT

i am new here

Hi, this is my fist time and I am really going to try to just lay this out there for the world to see. 


I am a 21 year old wife and mother and I am currently a victim of marital rape.  This is the fist I have said this to anyone, and its hard to hear.  Please excuse my typing its 2 am in the morining and I dead inside and out. 


I have two great boys who love thier Dad and I feel like I can't leave him because they need him everyday.  I strive to look like the perfect family and to make my kids feel loved and suported and normal.  I can't take thier Daddy away. 


He is a great husband in most aspects except sexual aspects.  He recently asked his sister-in-law to sleep with him, which is tearing me apart and he rapes me while I am asleep. 


It started after our first sone was born 5 years ago.  It hurt me very badly to engage in intercourse, so I was not willing to do so very often.  After a few months of very little sex I began to wake up to my husband feeling me while I was asleep.  Within a year I began waking up naked with him preforming oral sex and now it is to the point of penetration. 


I usually woke up in the begining of the process and either ended it or engaged it simply because I felt as though it was my duty as a wife.  However after last night I came to the realization that he is a rapist. 


I take sleeping pills which do not help the situation and after taking one last night my husband completed the act while I was confused and crying.  This episode left me hurt and bleeding.  I lyed beside him in the bed sobbing for hours on end and woke up this morning with swollen eyes and a wet pillow.  My husband has not said a work to me about it today.  I finnally told him he owed me a apology, to let him know I do have recollection of the event.  He said nothing but went to sleep on the couch. 


I am so scared and so confused.  I know that this is not right but I also know there is nothing I can do because I can't tear apart my family.  All I need from this board is answers on how to cope with this, how to keep it from tearing me apart inside.  I am to the point of real illness and I don't know what to do.  I can't tell anyone I know about what is happening to me I just need to learn how to handle it better. 


Man that was hard.  The end. 

August 8, 2005, 6:29 am CDT

is this normal????

yesterday my daughter walked past her father and he goosed her butt.  She spun around and screamed at him"don't do that to me!"  and he just laughed.  I am concerned.................................................................................
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