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Topic : General Advice

Number of Replies: 831
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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 04:43:59 pm
Author : dataimport
Share advice and support with other parents of pre-teens and teens.

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December 3, 2005, 2:40 pm CST

General Advice

Quote From: rasfour

any thoughts??????
if everybody is on the same page and same rules apply at both homes. If I was to get a divorce I wouldn't have it any other way.
 
December 3, 2005, 2:46 pm CST

Holes in your head

Quote From: ashxox06

Im an average 17-year-old girl. Im a cheerleader, work at Hollister, and pretty much defined as "preppy." I listen to rock music. and i love the clothing style. but i dont dress like it really. ill occasionally accessorize with a studded belt or Vans/Converse shoes. i think lip piercings are cute. and i want one. i know how my mom feels about lip piercings/tattoos. but i brought it up to her anyway. and she just got really upset about it and said No. I told her how i felt about it and she asked why i was "leaning in that direction?" Its not a direction. im not changing my whole lifestyle. im not going to give up all my preppy clothes and become a hardcore punk rocker. Its not like that at all. in fact, i love my clothes the way they are and would never change them.  I dont think she understands that its common in my generation. its not "gross" or "weird" its just jewelery that happens to be on your face. she says the scar wont be good for the professional life in the future. but in fact, the scar isnt that noticeable. and i think i can live with it! i know i wont have it forever. i just want it now while im young and its common to have one. shouldnt i be able to make my own decisions about what i want done to my body? I'll never have another chance to have something that i want badly like this ever done for the rest of my life. How do i persuade her to let me get it done? any suggestions?
As a parent, I think piercing are gross. I just don't understand what is "cute" about putting holes in your face. What is going to happen when u get older or bigger and that hole starts to droop or get bigger. You won't be able to have a drink without leaking  LOL  Don't do it Mom's know best !  Try a fake one No permanent craters
 
December 6, 2005, 12:58 pm CST

AFTER HIGH SCHOOL TEENS

What do you do with your teenager once they've graduated high school and all they want to do is party and sleep all day? I've tried just about everything including taking off of work to drive him around job hunting.  

 
December 8, 2005, 2:02 am CST

Party's over

Quote From: wendidu

What do you do with your teenager once they've graduated high school and all they want to do is party and sleep all day? I've tried just about everything including taking off of work to drive him around job hunting.  

If your teen graduated in June and here it is December and your teen is still partying it up, then there's a two word answer: "Move out!"  

  

Kids who really want to work, work. My son had his own business going at 14, worked throughout high school, and my daughter did the same. The two younger ones can't wait until they are old enough to have a "real" job and have to be content with odd jobs and babysitting for now. The reality is that if my kids wanted spending money, they had to earn it. I'll supplement, but cash for pizza, movies, concerts, CDs, gas, car insurance should be something that kids pay for, or at least contribute a certain portion.  

  

I haven't had your problem because it's just inconceivable to me. But if I did, I'd do the tough love thing and cut my kid off. No cash outlays, no special foods that you know he/she loves to eat, no car, no gas, no pay-per-view, nada. 

  

I love my kids dearly and hate to be hardcore, but my job is to prepare them for the adult world. And that's a world where most people have to earn a living.  

  

But here's the nice side byproducts of "reality childrearing:" My kids routinely stop to pick up groceries. They call me to ask if I need anything when they are at the store. The two older ones delight in picking up the check at a restaurant. They'll call to ask if I want anything when they're in line at a drive through. Also, they pay for their own cell phone, school books and supplies. We pay for their tuition and fees. They don't have to pay rent at home or pay for food but they have to behave like the adults that they are. They help with laundry (my son does most of it for all of us), cooking, cleanup, driving the younger ones, and still have time for their own friends and for each other.  

  

Every retail outlet and restaurant is hiring holiday help now. Many holiday jobs can become permanent with good performance. 

  

Unless your teen has a bona fide physical or mental health issue (and you should always consider this) I'd say, "No way buddy, not in this house." It's really not fair for your teen to place this kind of stress on you.  

 
December 18, 2005, 6:32 pm CST

Please HELP!! I'm not sure what to do.

Hello, I need some advise on what to do about this situation I'm in. I have been taking care of my ex-boyfriend's 15yr old daughter for  a little over a year now because he is in prison. She can't get along with her mother so she had asked if she could come to live with me, other wise she would have been sent to a foster home or detention home. I took her in and had gotten custody of her. Well, in the last 6 months she has been very disrespectful, skipping classes at school, constantly late for school, she has been lying to me, and is even trying to hook up with a 30yr old. I could go on and on with things she is doing wrong. I try disciplining her (groundind, taking things away) and she looks at me as if to say "Who the hell are you, you aren't my mother".  

  

I just feel like screaming, I mean I have treated this girl like she was my own daughter. I have done alot for her and I feel she doesn't appreciate any of it with the way she treats me. Alot of people I know, including my own mother, say I shouldn't have to deal with it because she's the one who asked for help. I'm now feeling like I shoudn't have to deal with the "attitude" she's giving me but what can I do? Should I let the courts decide what to do with her or should I keep giving her chance after chance? Threatening that I'm gonna make her go back to her mothers doesn't do much. I have 3 boys of my own (6, 8, 11) and I have enough stress with them. Should I be letting someone elses child stress me out more? I could really use some advice because I feel guilty for thinking I should kick her out but I don't want to be treated like dirt either. 

 
December 20, 2005, 10:10 am CST

Ahh, to be 17 again...!

Quote From: ashxox06

Im an average 17-year-old girl. Im a cheerleader, work at Hollister, and pretty much defined as "preppy." I listen to rock music. and i love the clothing style. but i dont dress like it really. ill occasionally accessorize with a studded belt or Vans/Converse shoes. i think lip piercings are cute. and i want one. i know how my mom feels about lip piercings/tattoos. but i brought it up to her anyway. and she just got really upset about it and said No. I told her how i felt about it and she asked why i was "leaning in that direction?" Its not a direction. im not changing my whole lifestyle. im not going to give up all my preppy clothes and become a hardcore punk rocker. Its not like that at all. in fact, i love my clothes the way they are and would never change them.  I dont think she understands that its common in my generation. its not "gross" or "weird" its just jewelery that happens to be on your face. she says the scar wont be good for the professional life in the future. but in fact, the scar isnt that noticeable. and i think i can live with it! i know i wont have it forever. i just want it now while im young and its common to have one. shouldnt i be able to make my own decisions about what i want done to my body? I'll never have another chance to have something that i want badly like this ever done for the rest of my life. How do i persuade her to let me get it done? any suggestions?
Actually, I wouldn't be 17 again if I could! It's frought with this crazy stuff like this "who am I? Am I me, or am I my mommy's little girl?" Here's what I think: 1) what do you mean you'll never have the chance to do something you want done like this again??? I'm 35 and just got THE COOLEST tatoo right on my ankle a year ago! And guess what? I didn't have to persuade my mommie to let me get it done! 2) you said you want your lip pierced while you're young and it's common to have...LAME ANSWER!!! Who are you doing this for? The General Public? Why do you care if piercing is 'common'? If you want to be pierced, be pierced, no matter what is "common". I got my belly button pierced WAAAAYYYY back in 1993 before there was such a craze! My friends thought I was nuts. Know what? I didn't care! I had read a book about body art and decided that I thought the belly ring was distinguishing. And, for about 8 years, it was...now everyone has one! :-( 3) You said you THINK you can live with it... WRONG AGAIN! Do not EVER EVER NEVER EVER do ANYTHING THAT IS PERMANENT if you only THINK you can live with it; like marriage, child birth, tatoos, piercings, buring bridges with mommies... :-) Personally, I think you ARE old enough to make your own choice about something like a pierced lip. But attack it like a science project: research it first. Find some pictures of people who had a lip pierced and then removed it; what's the scar look like? Call and see how expensive it is to surgically fix said scar... try the other gal's suggestion and get a fakie for a few weeks to try it out... and if all goes well, and you are CONVINCED you want the ring, wait a year, turn 18, and do it regardless of what your mom says; she'll have to respect the fact that you respected her wish while the law required you to do so, and hopefully, it won't damage your relationship with her too extensively... Mom's can get kinda freaky about stuff like their little girls going off and becoming their own selves... Good luck and post a picture if you decide to get it!
 
December 20, 2005, 10:27 am CST

Tough Spot! Keep at it!

Quote From: brittbaby

Hello, I need some advise on what to do about this situation I'm in. I have been taking care of my ex-boyfriend's 15yr old daughter for  a little over a year now because he is in prison. She can't get along with her mother so she had asked if she could come to live with me, other wise she would have been sent to a foster home or detention home. I took her in and had gotten custody of her. Well, in the last 6 months she has been very disrespectful, skipping classes at school, constantly late for school, she has been lying to me, and is even trying to hook up with a 30yr old. I could go on and on with things she is doing wrong. I try disciplining her (groundind, taking things away) and she looks at me as if to say "Who the hell are you, you aren't my mother".  

  

I just feel like screaming, I mean I have treated this girl like she was my own daughter. I have done alot for her and I feel she doesn't appreciate any of it with the way she treats me. Alot of people I know, including my own mother, say I shouldn't have to deal with it because she's the one who asked for help. I'm now feeling like I shoudn't have to deal with the "attitude" she's giving me but what can I do? Should I let the courts decide what to do with her or should I keep giving her chance after chance? Threatening that I'm gonna make her go back to her mothers doesn't do much. I have 3 boys of my own (6, 8, 11) and I have enough stress with them. Should I be letting someone elses child stress me out more? I could really use some advice because I feel guilty for thinking I should kick her out but I don't want to be treated like dirt either. 

Hi, you said you treat her like your own but I have to question that... when (not if, but when) your 11 year old acts this way at 15, will you write in to see if people think you should send him away? You have custody. You are, essentially, her mother. Do like you would your own child...WHATEVER IT TAKES. Can you take time off work? A week? I think she would benefit from being tied to you at the hip. If you could take time to go to school with her, be with her every minute... You have been threatening to send her back to her mother... I wonder what that has done to her sense of security with your family. She probably feels horribly dispensable. Like a plastic razor, or a bar of soap. Your mother is wrong. Your daughter may have been the one who asked for help, but you are the one who committed to giving it to her. And at this time, she needs that help more than ever. Stay strong. Love her. Set boundaries, clearly state what you will accept and what you won't accept, make sure she knows her options if she crosses the boundaries. Give her some simple tasks at first and hope she fails so that you can implement whatever consequence there is. This test time will show her you mean it when you say "I will do X if situation Y happens" When put this way, you are not attacking or bossing, you are simply stating facts. And you empower HER to make the choices. "I will go to school with you if I hear you have skipped a class again." Then, when you hear she skipped a class, take the day off work, get your mother to keep the boys, and go to school with your daughter. She'll see you mean it. She'll be mortified! And you can have all the fun with it that you want!!! Dress cheesy! Act wierd! She'll do whatever it takes to make sure you NEVER go to school with her again! First thing's first; reaffirm your committment to raising this little girl. Talk with her, appologize for threatening her sense of security, and vow to work together to suceed. Talk about the things you'll accept and behaviors you won't. Then, stop DISCIPLINING her...that's for babies. Young women need to be taught boundaries, not consequences. Read Jim Fey's Love and Logic books for more. And if all else fails, please, please please, find her a safer place to live...don't just send her back to her mom as a punishment...make sure she can get the upbringing she needs...sounds like she's already got some pretty crappy background strikes against her... Good luck! I'm with you! I'm for you! I'm wishing you succeed with this one! You're doing an AMAZING thing by taking on this girl. Keep it Up!!!
 
December 20, 2005, 11:15 am CST

Ex-boyfriend's daughter....

Quote From: brittbaby

Hello, I need some advise on what to do about this situation I'm in. I have been taking care of my ex-boyfriend's 15yr old daughter for  a little over a year now because he is in prison. She can't get along with her mother so she had asked if she could come to live with me, other wise she would have been sent to a foster home or detention home. I took her in and had gotten custody of her. Well, in the last 6 months she has been very disrespectful, skipping classes at school, constantly late for school, she has been lying to me, and is even trying to hook up with a 30yr old. I could go on and on with things she is doing wrong. I try disciplining her (groundind, taking things away) and she looks at me as if to say "Who the hell are you, you aren't my mother".  

  

I just feel like screaming, I mean I have treated this girl like she was my own daughter. I have done alot for her and I feel she doesn't appreciate any of it with the way she treats me. Alot of people I know, including my own mother, say I shouldn't have to deal with it because she's the one who asked for help. I'm now feeling like I shoudn't have to deal with the "attitude" she's giving me but what can I do? Should I let the courts decide what to do with her or should I keep giving her chance after chance? Threatening that I'm gonna make her go back to her mothers doesn't do much. I have 3 boys of my own (6, 8, 11) and I have enough stress with them. Should I be letting someone elses child stress me out more? I could really use some advice because I feel guilty for thinking I should kick her out but I don't want to be treated like dirt either. 

You don't mention if you have brought this girl to a therepist/councelor?? Since her father is in prison and she doesn't get along with her mother-- probably because she is disrespectful, by the way- and she tries to date men who are much older, all of this means she needs help and she is crying out for it! The worst thing you could do would be to kick her out, the best thing you could do would be to find a professional who specializes in teenagers with these types of family issues. When you tell her where she is going, she might say she doesn't want to go, etc., but trust me, she will be glad to have someone who is an unbiased, third party, to talk to about all of her problems. The only way to get this girl to respect you is to get her to respect herself first. She hasn't been given the guidance from a parent that she needs so badly. I urge you to seek professional help before another day goes by! You could really change this girls life for the better.
 
December 22, 2005, 1:19 pm CST

Help With 15 Year Old Boy

I have a 15 year old boy.... He used to be sweet, loving, caring.  For the last year or so give or take he has become a terrible monster.   He refuses to let me touch him, conversations if you can call them that consist of me asking questions... How was your day, what did you do in school etc and the response is usually fine, nothing, or the same as yesterday when you asked me.  The child is rude, disrespectful and has a snappy come back for everything we say to him.  The child is also fond of leaving me letters about how parents should act, and that I have no right to disipline him for lying, drinking, experimenting with drugs and not listening... The not listening is a big issue in our home.  He does whatever he wants... He also feels that we should let him do whatever he wants whenever he wants. He is also great at not taking ownership for the things that he does.  For the last couple of months he has been hiding out in his room and the only time he comes out is when he's hungry, has to use the bathroom or to make some snide comment to me or his step-father.  It seems to me that he acts out more so when ever there is a holiday coming up or a special occasion.  We spent the week before and the week after my birthday giving each other the silent treatment.   Now we are at odds yet again probably the 6th time this year.   He has announced to me that he could care less about xmas its a time to celebrate god, Jesus etc.  Which is funny because he usually announces himself as an athiest.  His mood swings are another problem.  One moment he can be joking around with us or sitting watching a movie with us and the next he ruins it by making some nasty comment about whatever.  And the child is incredibly spoiled thanks to his great grandmother.  He tries to get away with everything but is so bad at it he usually gets caught.  Just wondering if other people are having problems like mine and any suggestions in correcting it would be appreciated.   

  

Mom pulling her hair out 

 
December 22, 2005, 3:23 pm CST

WHOAA!! Chop off my head!!

Quote From: kritasim

Hi, you said you treat her like your own but I have to question that... when (not if, but when) your 11 year old acts this way at 15, will you write in to see if people think you should send him away? You have custody. You are, essentially, her mother. Do like you would your own child...WHATEVER IT TAKES. Can you take time off work? A week? I think she would benefit from being tied to you at the hip. If you could take time to go to school with her, be with her every minute... You have been threatening to send her back to her mother... I wonder what that has done to her sense of security with your family. She probably feels horribly dispensable. Like a plastic razor, or a bar of soap. Your mother is wrong. Your daughter may have been the one who asked for help, but you are the one who committed to giving it to her. And at this time, she needs that help more than ever. Stay strong. Love her. Set boundaries, clearly state what you will accept and what you won't accept, make sure she knows her options if she crosses the boundaries. Give her some simple tasks at first and hope she fails so that you can implement whatever consequence there is. This test time will show her you mean it when you say "I will do X if situation Y happens" When put this way, you are not attacking or bossing, you are simply stating facts. And you empower HER to make the choices. "I will go to school with you if I hear you have skipped a class again." Then, when you hear she skipped a class, take the day off work, get your mother to keep the boys, and go to school with your daughter. She'll see you mean it. She'll be mortified! And you can have all the fun with it that you want!!! Dress cheesy! Act wierd! She'll do whatever it takes to make sure you NEVER go to school with her again! First thing's first; reaffirm your committment to raising this little girl. Talk with her, appologize for threatening her sense of security, and vow to work together to suceed. Talk about the things you'll accept and behaviors you won't. Then, stop DISCIPLINING her...that's for babies. Young women need to be taught boundaries, not consequences. Read Jim Fey's Love and Logic books for more. And if all else fails, please, please please, find her a safer place to live...don't just send her back to her mom as a punishment...make sure she can get the upbringing she needs...sounds like she's already got some pretty crappy background strikes against her... Good luck! I'm with you! I'm for you! I'm wishing you succeed with this one! You're doing an AMAZING thing by taking on this girl. Keep it Up!!!

Ya know, maybe your right. Maybe you should question that. Maybe I thought that I could handle it and I thought that I was doing some good keeping her out of the system. And IF my sons are to act like selfish, disrespectful little brats when they are in their teens, there will be serious conciquences. But I'd like to think that I have brought them up better than that. Yes, they can be little devils BUT they do respect me and what I say goes. Now on to other things, setting boundries, oh you can believe I have many, many times and it goes in one ear and out the other.I have tried talking to her, it doesn't work, I have tried yelling, that doesn't work. NOW WHAT? I would think that if I were her, I would be grateful for what I do have and I would be thanful to the person who gave it to me. But that's just my opinion.  You can question me on that too if you like. You seem to think that I just want to get rid of her,  if that were true she would be gone by now and I wouldn't be asking for help. 

 
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