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Topic : Teens and Sex

Number of Replies: 621
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Created on : Thursday, June 30, 2005, 01:22:25 pm
Author : dataimport
How do you talk to your teens about sex? Share your story.

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January 30, 2008, 2:38 am CST

Teens and Sex

Quote From: kellylyn1113

I am so upset. My son had his first sleepover at his friends house this weekend and one of the boys stared talking about sex and they ended up exposing themselves to each other. I want to have a talk with him about sex but I don't know what to say. What is too much and how to say it. PLEASE can someone help me?

Well I wouldn't over react, He is still a child without the standard you have obout sex. He is just comming over to the adult world. The exposing themselves is more out of curiosity then anything else.


As far as talking about sex please look on the internet. many sites help you with that. just as a caution do not read abstinance only sites! they contain faulty information. a few posts before you someone gave a link of a good site btw... so read a few posts here...

January 30, 2008, 2:40 am CST

Teens and Sex

Quote From: marjoeg

       From the time i was a little girl Sex was kept a secret . Because in my day kids were seen and not heard.  As a little girl i was molested by my grand father but did not know what was happining to me. Did not tell my mom or any one ever.  and as  a teen i wasn't allowed to date told to keep myself together. and not wear lipstick or allow boys to be arnd me. Why i did not know. and when i did run away and tun my step dad in for rape i was punnished for it. And my mom denied it. I have suffered all my life over sex. and i can tell any one it isn't funny . I believe because my little and big brother saw my grand father doing this to me and my cousins. they thought it was ok cause we never told . Also for a mom to say its the girls fault and the system to also punish her for it . only leads young boys to think that all girls are wrong and. I know my brother use to follow me every where i went and after all these years i know why he thought it was ok . I never said or did nothing about it and he saw it and was watching . Even got a wipping from my grand father so he wouldn't say any thing, All kids should be aware of what going on and then they won't be hurt. Sorry I finally got it out . mMY brother is dead now both are my mom and my grand father. But till now i never said any thing. Crazy huh . Mabey there is away to handle this.
Wow that is a terrible story. It is very unfortunate that your family kept silent like that. I find it brave that you finally dare to write about it. I hope you still have a good life and that you are at peace with yourself
February 1, 2008, 6:17 pm CST

Teens and Sex

Quote From: jenoc99

Just because he bought the computer with his own money doesn't mean he should have free reign of the internet. You are 100% right to be concerned that his porn habit could lead to him disrespecting women and feeling that sex is no big deal. He is only 15, of course he is going to deny that he has a problem!! But you are the mother, you must take this matter very seriously and contact a therepist for him and tell that person the whole story, including the underwear incidents. The underwear wearing, soiling, and hiding in itself is a complicated issue that he needs professional help for. If you don't make him go to see a professional, you are denying him the opportunity to become a healthy and well adjusted adult. He isn't going to want to go, but its up to you to make that non-negotiable. You've got to get tough.

Absolutely right!  You have to step up and be the tough parent.  It's not pleasant, and he'll likely say he hates you, but you have to be strong and do the right thing.  He might hate you for the short term, but in the long term, after he's gotten help for these issues, he'll thank you for loving him enough to do what was right. 


Be strong, and hang in there!

February 7, 2008, 2:34 pm CST

teens & sex

 Dear Dr. Phil,

 I do not understand parents (mothers) who do not know about their kids and pregancy.

When I was 16 my mother woke me up one morning and said to me "your pregant arn''t you?"  Isaid

"I don't know". She took me to the doctor and he said "I don't know". I was, but it was way to soon to know but my mother knew.  Gods Bless Her. You have to pay attention to your kids and when you don't stuff happens to them and not always good.  I was lucky. My father was heart borken but stood by me. I kept my baby with the help and support of my parents. Today my child has a Bachelors degree and two Masters. I could'nt be more proud.


February 9, 2008, 7:16 pm CST

Healthy Sexuality

This post will be my thoughts on (teen) sexuality. I will write it so that I can refer to it in future posts. It would also be interesting to start a debate about it so please give your thoughts on what I write down.


xx oet Gäöl


Sex education

when to start?

the proper age I think is as soon as possible but no later then age 12.

When they are 12 or younger they are still pretty innocent. When waiting only a year they get a lot of information about sex which isn't always true. Friends often tell things they heard from older kids among each other. They can't however tell what is true and what is bragging for instance.

It also helps them strengthen their persona so that they feel confident to say no to a boy or girl if they do not want to have sex.

another benefit of starting early is that you create an open atmosphere in which the child will be more forthcoming when he/she does have a relationship, which makes it easier to keep an eye on them.


what to say?

Well I am not really a fan of teaching abstinence (see below) but you can talk about that if you want. BUT you can't talk about abstinence alone, this is in fact dangerous!!!

The most important thing is to see what questions your child has by it self, this will give you insight in how far he/she is developed and what he want to talk about.

At age 12 you can talk about:

  • protection during sex: always use a condom and if possible also the pill for the girl. You can get pregnant when you have sex for the first time. How you use a condom. How you use the pill and when it can be ineffective.
  • STD's Teen pregnancy: of course you couple this with the previous topic.
  • What sex is: It is an activity done by two people who love each other etc.
  • When: The average first time is around 17 years of age I'd say most do it between 15 and 19 or so. That you have to love someone and you should not be pressured into it. That he/she has to feel ready him/herself and that it is okay to wait a little longer. First time most often is preceded by a relationship of 3 months.
  • Anything the child asks you: they have a lot of questions so do answer them.

what kind of atmosphere

Be sure to make it an open conversation which is relaxed. take your time for it and be focused. Also avoid the impression that you want to keep it secret.

For instance my father closed the curtains when he talked to me about sex. probably because it was getting dark but I thought that it should be kept secret. When talking about sex keep in mind that it is something very big in the mind of a child, so the smallest things can be picked up and become more then you wanted it to be.

Do not force the talk though try to keep it a natural conversation.



I must say that I do not believe in the myth of abstinence until marriage I will try to explain why in the following paragraphs.


Why did it start?

Abstinence until marriage is a very old custom. It started because of money, not because of the bible Koran or Torah (seems less divine already doesn't it). Long ago when the father died all his belongings went to his son. It was therefor important that his son was his otherwise he would give his belongings to his neighbours kid.


Nowadays of course we willingly adopt children, go to sperm banks, care for children form a previous marriage etc. Also inheritance is not from father to son anymore but is divided between charities, the children, other family, friends and so on.


Also women had to pay a bridal treasure when they got married for the family this was a big investment so again making it important that the man new that it was worth it. Nowadays we don't have bridal treasures anymore so also this argument falls away.



Also we have to take into account that the age of marriage has gone up considerably while the age of puberty is going down. When this was introduced women where married of when they hit puberty and men had to be able to care for a woman. So in practice that meant women married at age 12 and men age 16 to 18 or so. nowadays that age has risen to the late twenties.


It is therefor unnatural for teens to wait so long the biologic age and the age of marriage just varies to much nowadays for most teens to wait so long. (more then 10 years difference nowadays!!!)


What is marriage worth?

Nowadays we want our children to wait for their true love before having sex. So we say wait until marriage, but is that the true love they seek? In short: no. If you consider that 1 in 2 marriages end in divorce then you could say that waiting until marriage has definitely lost its effect. It is therefor better to say that he/she should wait until it feels right at that moment and not until some arbitrary date you set.


Isn't it more romantic to wait?

Well no, I've heard a lot of first time stories and all contained the following lines: It was awkward. I was very tense. It wasn't the best time.


Also important is to consider that sex in a relationship is important. Or better yet: it isn't when the sex is good but when it is bad it is very important. Sexual compatibility is very important, breakups have happened because the sex is bad.


Why do we still adhere to the rules dreamt up in (pre)historic times?

Well that we can attribute to the Victorian era. It is a bit strange though we have let go of so many things from then but abstinence we keep.

I mean the Victorians considered women to be less then men and quite frankly didn't allow a women to walk down the road without her man by her side. Women almost where the same as a fancy vase!

Or what to think about masturbation? they thought that masturbation could give you diseases like blindness insanity and a whole lot of other things. We now know that masturbation is actually good and it is even encouraged by sexologists. (besides over 90% of men and a lot of women masturbate so it simply can't be bad)

Another example is hysteria which was sexual frustration in women. They thought that a woman should only come during intercourse (though 70% of women needs clitoral stimulation!) and combined with the ban on masturbation women where often not satisfied so they displayed sings of "hysteria".


Absolute waterproof

Even though you try your best, you can't protect them 100%. If they want to have sex they will. remember that you can't keep an eye on them all of the time and that they can lie about with who they are going out and to where. It is impossible to say with 100% certainty that your child is not sexually active. I once even read that in the US 75% of the parents thought that their child was not sexually active while 55% of the children said they where or had been.



Just to explain why boys look at porn. When they first become sexually active they are interested in the opposite sex. Out of curiosity they will look at porn. So don't be too alarmed when you catch your son looking at porn.

It is however important to teach him about respect for women so that he knows what is fantasy and what is real.


Age appropriate behaviour

This is what I think you will see at certain ages. I base this more or less on observations in myself and people around me. this is though not absolute and individuals might have different paths to their sexual development. keep an eye on your kid to know where he stands on this.


Age 11/12

At this age everything is funny. If it is only slightly sexual it will be laughed at. Sex is the main topic. When you ask what they are saying you will get a response like: "well you know..." In essence saying I don't really know what it is.

Relationships start forming and interest in the opposite sex grows. The relationships are traffic light relationships meaning they constantly change (sometimes from hour to hour.)


Age 13/14

relationship start lasting a bit longer and the first french kisses are exchanged. Dating begins


Age 15-19

Stable long term relationships can form. The first time often happens during this age. Also many teens 'come out' if they are gay or bisexual during this age.


age 29

The average age for marriage

February 23, 2008, 5:48 pm CST

83% of teens has seen a porn movie

(repost of topic sex:porn)

Today 21st of february Dutch channel BNN (which is govermently funded) aired the porn classic Deep Throat. In light of that an in depth news show did a survey under 2200 teens aged 12 - 24. about their porn consumption.


Here are the results and even though they are not the same for the US they might be interesting to think about. by the way some age groups are less well represented then others which might stain the results a bit.


of the 2200 people asked 82.8 percent said that they have watched a porn movie oppesed to 15.5 who did not (and somehow 1.7 percent didn't know.)


then half the guys said they had watched more then 100 movies while most women didn't watch more then 10.


Most teens watch porn to get aroused (over 50%) both men and women answered that. but also to laugh and to relax scored high.


Paying for porn is not done among teens as over 60% of teens get their porn for free over the internet. watching a DVD is a good seccond with almost 20% of teens doing that. a mhere 2% pays via internet for their porn.


A whopping 90% of teens is underage when they whatch their first porn film. 70.4% can't even have sex legally under US and Dutch law (16 is the age of which you can legally consent to having sex.) about a quater is even 12 or younger when seeing their first porn movie. Boys and girls don't differ much in their age when they first come into contact with porn.


then 53% percent of girls mind if their boyfriend watches porn without their precence while 40% doesn't mind at all.


But still teens say they are not negatively affected by porn. over 75% doesn't want to be a porn star and even 78% doesn't feel negativly affected in their body image after viewing porn.

March 3, 2008, 4:31 pm CST

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?!!??!!?!

This is BULL!  Almost everything that was said on the show i disagreed with.
I am a 17 year old that is appalled by the words that were said! talking about "we need to educate the teens about what can happen." what is this world comming to when people who claim to be highly educated think that teens don't know about sex and what the results can be?  What needs to happen is one-on-one sit downs with parent and child.  the school system has no right, first of all, to supply the students with things that basically encourage them to have sex. It's just like giving up. Anmost as if saying, "Here, if i can't stop you from having sex, don't have a child and just take this." SERIOUSLY.
     There are plenty MORE things that can happen to a teen than just a baby! Is anyone aware of all of the diseases these days as far as sex is concerned?!  People act like a condom or birth control is a miracle worker and protects them from everything. Having a baby is not a crime, it is supposed to be beautiful. Something between two people that love each other, or at least this is how i was taught.  Going out having sex for fun is stupid.  Encouraging it by giving students free condoms and birth control is stupid too.  Neither one protects ANYONE from STD's, AIDs, genital warts, genital herpes, hepititus, chlymadia, and many more. At this age having sex with random people for fun can scar  a young woman for life and she can never have children. But of coarse, giving students things to protect them form having children is all they need to worry about... HA! If you think that's true read the previous sentence one more time.
     If there is a young lady who does get pregnant, HELL NO should she have a maternity leave!  six weeks? yeah, i TOTALLY agree with the mother on the show, 6 weeks can get anyone far behind no matter how smart you are!!  The girl isn't going to want to play catch-up to get her work done.  It is NOT respecting the girl to give her these 6 weeks off, it is crippling her education. Respect is when if the girl does NOT say "no" the guy will and say, "maybe when we gat out of school" at LEAST!!! I have a boyfriend and have been dating him for a year and almost 5 months. I am proud to say not even ONCE have we had sex. Not even close. Do not tell me it is impossible. Do not tell me teenagers can't help themselves.  Do not tell me condoms are the only way to stop teen pregnancy.
       What happened to good ol' concequences for bad/mistaken behavior?  We as a nation do our young people NO favors by aiding them in their poor behavior and preventing natural consequences.  That's what's wrong with my generation now.  Well meaning parents who listen to the tripe about building self esteem instead of character set their children up for failure.  Parents need to parent , this includes sex education.  They need to let the teachers teach what they when to college for.   If a teen girl chooses to have sex she should suffer consequences- good or bad.  if she doesn't have enough self respect - that is not the school's problem.  if her parents haven't taught her any better, again, this is not the school's problem. Grown-ups should quit trying to be our friends or teenagers again.

true LOVE does not enable.
March 3, 2008, 4:43 pm CST

thank YOU!

Quote From: frances7144

 Dear Dr. Phil,

 I do not understand parents (mothers) who do not know about their kids and pregancy.

When I was 16 my mother woke me up one morning and said to me "your pregant arn''t you?"  Isaid

"I don't know". She took me to the doctor and he said "I don't know". I was, but it was way to soon to know but my mother knew.  Gods Bless Her. You have to pay attention to your kids and when you don't stuff happens to them and not always good.  I was lucky. My father was heart borken but stood by me. I kept my baby with the help and support of my parents. Today my child has a Bachelors degree and two Masters. I could'nt be more proud.


i couldn't be more happy for you. but more importantly to find out there is a mother out there who will not make excuses for teen pregnancies- and has actually been through one. i as well am astonished about the mother's who have no clue. THANK YOU!!!!
March 4, 2008, 5:28 am CST


  I  had sex at 15. I told my mother that I was planning on haveing sex with my boyfriend at the time and she reacted like she always reacts. She threw a shoe at me and then took me to the obgyn.
  I am now 25 happily married and not to the boy I gave my virginity to. I have never regret my descion to lose my virginity at 15. I think we should teach kids to respect sex and there bodies. I was well aware of every consequence to haveing sex at 15. I  went to catholic school my entire cildhood and trust me they teach every negative aspect about sexual escapades.
  When they say every teen is not capable of makeing mature  descions It drives me nuts! There are so many teens who take the time to calculate the weight of the descions they are makeing. The teens who throw away sex should be taught self confidence before they pick up a condom from the nurses office.
March 4, 2008, 8:58 am CST

pregnant teens

I am a teen mom, however unlike the couple that was on the show a while back I am earning a college degree and will be graduating this year. I also am looking forward to persuing a nursing degree. I was very upset to see teen mothers shown in such an awful way. I love my four month old daughter. She gets a bath every night she sleeps in her crib. I buy her diapers and yes I do have support from my parents. However, I am taking 21 credit hours at the local community college. I am being inducted into my colleges chapter of phi theta kappa on Wednesday. I love my daughter very much, I am so proud of her. I am though, in my eyes a good mother wether or not I am of age to have a kid. I just wanted people to know that even though what the sterotype for people in my situation is not everybody is a bad parent. There are people that come onto this show and are 45 and do horrible things in front of the innocent children. I am seventeen and my daughter is happy,  up to date on all of her immunizations, and is never hungry. I just want people to understand that even though I got pregnant at 16 I still love my daughter and I am still a good mother to her.
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