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Topic : Setting Boundaries

Number of Replies: 344
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Thursday, June 30, 2005, 01:21:13 pm
Author : dataimport
It's important to set healthy boundaries for and with your teen. Share your strategies.

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June 9, 2008, 1:16 pm CDT

Unbelievable behavior

I came across this video on the web!

I can not believe this girl.  Her parents need to seriously reconsider their parenting!

What do you think about her reaction? I am outraged!
June 18, 2008, 8:24 am CDT

Where Have I Gone Wrong

 Dear. Dr.Phil

Okay I have a 13 year old daughter and she honestly believes she rules the house! I mean if she walks into the t.v. room (or any room)and someone is watching t.v. or something well too bad she changes the channel with no regard to anyone. She throws major attitude toward me, my other 17 year old daughter and her step dad. I am at a lose here.When I put her to bed at 9 p.m. she calls me(SEVERAL TIMES at least 6-10 times just to rub her back, get her water silly stuff) and then it ticks me off and well the yelling begins,she I do kicks her walls, and will not settle down till she feels like it which is usually around 11 or 12 and then trying to get her to get up in the morning is impossible. My other daughter is allowed to stay up till 11 and so my 13 year old belives she can too.

My kids don't want for aynthing and I am partly to blame for this I was a single mom for a lot of years and now I ver compensate for the "lack" of things they did not have. My husband tries to step in and I just over rule him. I have created a monster here and I do not know where to go next.  My 17 year old is a totally different person she is independent, respectful, and knows the boundaries and does not push them.

This very morning I was awoken to a down out fight bwetween the two girls because my youngest one blamed my oldest one to stealing her rings...which she did not and then my 13 year old seriously stomped around the house and said she wished her sister was dead and would not miss her. I am so scared of where this is going to go I need someones help with this monster I think I have created.

Dr. Phil I took your advice at one point and cleaned out my 13 year olds room to nothing and it had NO
affect on her she just destroyed the rest of the room and said she oh  well I will get it all back and then she did get it back because I felt guilty.  My youngest daughter has my ex-husbands temper (we split due to abuse) and for the past 2 years he has disowned her no phone calls, e-mails or anything he feels it should be her that puts int he effort.


July 4, 2008, 10:19 am CDT

A brother's lack of respect and judgment

My brother has a strong lack of judgment, and has currently a severe crack and alcohol problem.  I was molested starting at the age of seven by a family member,  My brother is now staying at his house, I told him not to put the family member who hurt me on the phone, and he continues to do it.  I needed an outlet so, I called a local rape crisis center hot line, and an advocate took the time to listen to my concerns.  My brother keeps crossing the line, and I feel that I am being re-victimized.  Please provide me with a sound word of advice.

July 6, 2008, 8:46 pm CDT

My best friend is GONE!!!!

Dr. Phil: Tonight at 6 p.m. my husband boarded a plane for Kandahar Afganistan to go over there as a civilian military volunteer! I am so very proud of him on one hand and on the other I am scared to death because of all the stuff I see on the news with the insurgents, the bombings etc. This was a long dream of his and I would NEVER stand in his way with this journey he has chosen but at the same time I am scared because he has NEVEr been away from me or our girls in 7 years I mean he has never even gone a fishing weekend away, or a guys night out it has always been me and our girls, with everything. I know I am probably coming across as selfish but I do not know how to keep my family together during his 9 month tour! We have done alot of crying today and alot of silence.

Please tell me Dr. Phil how I can help our girls and help myself get through the next 9 months!!! I thank god he has only got a 9 month tour I know it could be more!

Scared, anxious and Sad
July 14, 2008, 4:59 pm CDT

no boundries with adult daughter

I am 51 with 4 adult children. I have been divorced from their father for 8 years. I recently became engaged to a wonderful man. The problems is that I have never had healthy boundaries with my children. They see me as a victim since there father was controlling and emotionally abusive. My 26 year old daughter feels like she must protect from my naivete. I have often confided in my daughter about the men I have dated. I made a huge mistake and told her about a sexual indiscretion with my fiancee. I have taught my daughter all of my life that sex should only happen within marriage. We are religious people and our beliefs are very clear that sex outside of marriage is a sin. Now my daughter hates my fiancee for what he has "done" to me. I have made it very clear that we did it together.

I realize that the bottom line here is that I never should have divulged this information to my daughter. I also realize that my relationship with my daughter is unhealthy and that I need to change the way I relate to her. My fiancee is worried about her interfering in our relationship which is completely understandable. What can I do to take steps to heal my relationship with my daughter but more importantly insure that my relationship with my fiancee is not sabotaged by may daughter?

July 15, 2008, 1:57 pm CDT

Use the control that you have. I had a similar situation with my ex. Though we were never married I had his son right out of high school and until he met his now wife, he continued to drift in and out for the first two years. After meeting her she trie

Quote From: tlheisler

I left a marriage of almost 16 years in 2001. I got married at 19 to the first guy I ever dated. Needless to say, this did not go over well with my ex. He has and continues to make my life unhappy.  


My oldest daughter, doesn't even want to have a relationship w/him. She is now 17. My now 13 year old son struggles w/to like him or not and I struggle when he is liking him. Which is not fair to my son at all.  


I have a boyfriend that moved in about 3 years ago. My ex continues to leave nasty messages, calls me names, talks about me to all (and we live in a small town). He is unfriendly to my boyfriend who is great to our children and he is still in my business and wanting to know everything I am doing. 


For example, he never takes the kids...he calls up and asks my son to go to the mall. WHY? Because he drove by, saw that we were doing something to our deck and that I had a new car and he wanted to know what was going on. So it cost him an XBOX game to find out from my son why we had wood in the yard and if I bought or leased my new vehicle.  


He showed up at my daughter's football game (cheerleading, not playing!) on Friday after they have not spoken for several months, confronted her in front of her team on the track and said hi stranger...she told him to leave and she did not want to speak to him. He smelled of alcohol. He continues to say and do things that he has no recourse for.  


He drove by my house one day and I was gone w/my boyfriend in his truck and we were gone for the entire day. He kept driving by and thought I was home alone so left a message stating how it must suck to sit home all day by myself while my boyfriend is out f**king someone else. And he is proud of doing these things.  


He lost his job of 29 years recently for a racial comment at work. He calls me (and we don't speak) to let me know he can't pay child support. He also let the kids insurance go and I found out by a billing mistake that they had no insurance for  3 weeks until I added them to mine.  


I am so sick of this...feel like there is no end in sight. Any advice?  

July 24, 2008, 11:38 am CDT

I need help with my son

I have a 15 yr. old who has been a thorn in my side since the day he turned 3.  He has hurt me, my mother and plenty of others.  He has cost me daycare and subsequently, jobs so that eventually, it was just easier to use public assistance and not work.  He has been expelled for various reasons, numerous times.  He has abused our cat by putting him in the freezer and dryer *for just a minute* something he claims my 7 yr. old told him to do.  He doesnt use drugs but he just wont NOT mind and obey.  I ask him not to get up in the night to play video games and he does it anyway.  If I remove them, I am basically punishing my younger son for no reason.  I've caught him masturbating in a vehicle I used to have and there was an incident of possible window peeping in a town we used to live in.  The youngest child says je catches him doing *nasty things* in his room and that the oldest even put his mouth on the youngest.  I've told his father and he does nothing but *have a talk with him* and things stay just as they are.  He goes away every summer for 3 weeks and comes back and things are just the same.  I am sick and tired of being sick and stressed over it.  I've taken him to counseling and nothing comes from it.  What do I do???
September 17, 2008, 8:21 am CDT

Messy Room Beyond Belief

My 14 year old daughter is a slob. She leaves her clothes all over her bedroom floor and almost never hangs them up or puts them in her drawers. She had 2 girlfriends over night and they were all walking on top of her clothes! They had to-there was no floor showing. She also has books, papers,posters, markers, make up, etc. all over her bedroom floor and nothing organized. I told her I will not be buying her anymore clothes,etc. if I don't see her taking care of what she has. She says ok and continues to be the same. Then one day before she knows I might be going shopping she picks it up and wants me to take her shopping for clothes. If you saw pcitures of her room you would not believe it. I have read many books on teens saying to ignore their messy bedrooms. I am wondering what others think of that, and would like to hear from others what has worked for them to get their teen to keep an organized bedroom!
September 17, 2008, 6:01 pm CDT

Teenage Son

I am going through a separation and eventual divorce from my husband.  I have a 15 year old son who was a very good child but has turned nasty and mean.  He has become lazy about his school work and very mean and rude to me.  On occasion he has told me to shut up, ignored advice about studying, and has abandoned his former friends.  Help.  He spends time on the computer, cell phone, xbox or anything else but he won't study or help much around the house.  I don't know what to do.  Please help!

September 17, 2008, 9:11 pm CDT

13yr old son tells me he doesnt care

Dear Dr Phil


If a 13yr old boy looses all motivation to do things what is a parent to do?  My 13yr old son is starting high school next year yet for the past 4weeks he has refused to do his reading and book report. He has no previlages left, he comes home from school and if i even mention his reading he goes into his room and goes to sleep.


He was diagnosed by the school as having a reading disability and since then he has been told he only has to do so much, less than everyone else, so he thinks its all very easy. My 11yr old daughter is 1 grade behind him and she feels a little hard done by. Yet, my son is the first one to try and make out he knows something when he realy doesnt.


He has even given up trying to work harder. He goes to school to play with his mates he reakons. The rest he dont care about. I have even been told by his teachers not to Push him to do his work. This I dont understand. No wonder he is bored with school, he has nothing to challenge him as far as I can see. I have tried to get him to take more responsibility for his actions, or lack there of which has ended in no TV for days, no going out, no playing games, no computer. Yet has never been very materialistic. He doesnt have friends over and he acts like he is the bees knees.  His personality is beautiful, towards the outside world. This i feel is partial our fault as this is what we modeled  for years. As we learn better we try to do better. But is it too little too late?


He doesnt want a job, he doesnt want to strive to be anything or anyone. I KNOW he can do. He has been doing karate for 3yrs and learns moves there after only seeing them a couple of times, he picks that up quickly. He can read, becausee i have sat with him and heard him read. Other homework he is more than happy to complete, the reading and book report he just refuses.


After all that story, are you able to suggest something that we can do at this moment to help him see that beauty in reading. I LOVE to read, I read all the time. His father is similar to him, he can read but not very well, but he cant see the story or the msg in the reading. Then they both get frustrated and give it up. They can read instructions but my son does not understand what he reads.


Ok , i know i will write more if i let myself but if you need more please feel free to ask me. I am getting desperate as we come closer to the end of the year and the begining of his first year of highschool.


Please help us motivate him to see how wonderfull life is and much of a previlage it is to be here.




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