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Topic : Spirited Kids

Number of Replies: 162
New Messages This Week: 0
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Created on : Thursday, June 30, 2005, 01:12:56 pm
Author : dataimport
Is your child a bundle of nonstop energy? Are you exhausted at the end of the day? Share advice and support with other parents of spirited kids.

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July 2, 2006, 6:16 am CDT

Please write back

Quote From: ajackson

Hello.
  This will be somewhat long. First I'll start off with saying I have three children; Zachary 4, Mikayla 2 and Allyson 8.

  I knew from when Allyson was a toddler that there was something wrong.. she was always 'bouncing off the walls'  I couldnt even get her to watch tv for two mins.  As time went on and she was in Pre K and then K - the teachers could not handle her. So i had her tested( conners rating scale and well as psychiatrist evaluations). Back then, she was diagnosed with ADHD and ODD.   So from that time till just recently she went through some medicine for the ADHD.  About six months ago she was then Diagnosed with Bipolar and ADHD and the Dr put her on medicine for both. I then after a few months requested the dr to take her off the medicine for Bipolar which was serequel 10 mg and Lamictal 100 mg(not sure of spelling of either) and right now shes taking just Adderall xr 30 mg.   I have taken her to see another psychiatrist who tells me theres no way a child can be bipolar and adhd at the same time... so I am really confused.

This has been a long struggle for my husband and I. She is always lying about everything. Fighting litterally with her brother and sister.  We can't have animals because she killed the last kitten we had. Shes very loud when she talks, when she talks its like she yells. She is very energetic.  Mornings are awful when its time for school.. that is the worse part of the day. In school she doesnt respond to the teachers sometimes when she is spoken too.. Sometimes doesnt do her work but just  sits there.  There is a lot of off the wall things she does but it would be a book for me to sit here and type it all out.   
  So basically to make a long story short... How do you punish a kid that has these disorders? I have tried everything I could think of   from time outs to taking things from her, grounding her from her favorite things.. I've been to parenting classes thinking that maybe it was me with the problem.. but that didnt help.. ive tried an award system and praise  and nothing has worked... on some occassions I have spanked her butt like when she brings harm to others such as her siblings and when I do that she laughs and says 'that doesnt hurt'.
 Just recently and I dont know the results yet.. she had a cat scan and an EEG done.   But I am seriously going out of my mind and I'm slipping into depression or something .. I am always angry, always frustraited and I feel like I never get a break from anything.  All adive is appreciated. Thank You.

Hello, I just wanted to let you know that I am a single mother of an 18 year old girl, who I knew from very earlly on,  maybe as early as 2 that there was something different about her.  She was terrible, never stopped crying, never a happy baby, always wanting and fussing and I was exhausted.  As time passed, things became worse and worse. I married when she was 7 to a get this, adolecent pshyc assistant who I thought would be able to handle being around her, shortly after I got married I got divorced, turns out he couldn't handle it unless there was a paycheck involved.  Anyway, my daughter and I have gone through so many rough times, she got into drinking, drugs, partying, skipping school, she has driven my entire family nuts and no one will talk to her.  She is pregnant and just got married, but she didn't marry the best guy.  I am the only one she has, but no matter what I do for her, she has an attitude of it's never enough and I should be doing more.  My current boy-friend and I are more than likely breaking up because he can't deal with her bi-polar and he feels he has to protect his daughter.  He loves me, love our relationship, but wants nothing to do with my daughter and soon to be grandson.    

   

I cried when I read  your story because you are living my life some years ago, my daughter laughed at me when I would ground her, spank her, yell at her.  Everyone would say, you are the parent just do this or that.  They never realized that this or that doesn't work!!!  I ended up calling the police one day and going before a judge to put her into foster care.  Everyone thought I was horrible, but it was the only way I could get her assessed and on meds.  She refussed to take them by the way even to this day.  I thought she would die violently from a drug over dose or from being with the wrong crowd, I had horrible visions and I knew it wasn't paranoia but reality that this could happen to her.  Foster care was my safety net for her to keep her alive, she has since come back and is on her own and I try to do the tough love thing, but it's hard.  good days and bad.    

   

I too am very depressed and feel that I am the one with the problem.  Everyone expects me to fix her behavior and I can't.  I feel guilty and responsible for everything she does because I was suppose to teach her better.  I try to tell everyone just because you can't see her mental illness doesn't mean she doesn't have an issue.  Everyone I've talked to said well if she were paralyzed we could understand better.  I just want peace and to be loved and to have a relationship with my daughter and my boy-friend and to have a family.    

Please write back, moniquebarlow40@yahoo.com  

   

Take care and you are NOT alone.  

 
July 2, 2006, 6:26 am CDT

bi-polar kid and failing relationship

Hello, I wanted to ask if anyone out there is having problems in a relationship because they have a bi-polar child?  I am struggling with feeling guilty, sad and very depressed because for the last 18 years, I've been a single mother of a daughter with bi-polar (or so they say).  Brief history:  From very early on I knew there was something wrong with my daughter, maybe as early as 2.  She was never happy, always crying, wanting more and more attention, never slept really, just very difficult, always getting into trouble.  Everyone would say that I wasn't parenting properly, I never disiplined her which was incorrect.  I tried the light handed route at first, time outs, sitting in a corner, grounded to her room and she would laugh at me and dare me to do more.  Then I would get so angry I would spank her butt and she would laugh even more.  As she became a teen, she would cut school, meaning, never go, her teachers told me I needed to quit my job to walk with her to each classroom.  She got into drugs, not boys, but men, she drank constantly, she stole my car when I was at work, she would destroy property if I tried to keep her home.  The list goes on.  I tried to have a few relationships, but who would in their right mind deal with that?  She is now pregnant, married recently, and on her own.  Her and I have good days and bad days.  I tried the tough love thing, she was staying some place that wasn't the best and kept asking for help and I had to say no.  It broke my heart, but I had to do it.  I  currently live with someone who loves our relationship, he is a great guy, but he can't handle her being a part of HIS life, so how do you handle that?  Do you give up once again your happiness because of your daughter who is 18 and on her own or do you just bite the bullet and let him go?  I've lost a few significant relationships over her behavior and I have to say, it's not right.  I love her with all of my heart, but I can't keep doing this anymore.  When do I get to start being happy and living?
 
July 3, 2006, 6:45 am CDT

spanking?!

  Does anyone else have this conflict in their house?  We have a very spirited boy who is nearly 3.  We also have a 1 month old daughter.  Lately his behaviour has gotten really defiant and rude, and I am sure it is mainly regression and a bid for attention due to her arrival.  I am an ECE (early childhood educator) with nearly 14 years experience, so I like to believe I have some idea what I'm doing.  So my approach is to tighten the reins and give him more positive attention.  My husband feels it is time to move on from all that "ECE time-outs and crap", and start spanking him!  I am adamently opposed to any form of physical punishment!  I always have been, and he knew this before we were married.  I knew he was not opposed to the idea, but we had discussed it before marriage and I thought it had been settled.  The problem is that he only suggests this option when our son is being over the top terrible and he is so frustrated and angry he can't cope anymore.  He seems to be developing some anger control issues and it scares me!  He thinks the methods I insist on using like time-outs are not working because it's too lenient (ie in his view, not harsh enough).  I have tried telling and showing him that you don't have to be harsh to be firm and to get kids to listen.  In my entire life, I have never hit a child and I have always managed to find a way to get them to cooperate!  My own son listens better to me than to his father, and I admit to giving him a few too many chances on many occasions.  He is now to the point of, in an angry moment, saying he will leave us because "he's tired of being prevented from disciplining his own kids".  I have reminded him that it is the law which prevents it and that we could lose the kids if he follows through with his threats!  I have also told him in no uncertain terms that he will not be hurting these children as long as I have breath in my body!  I told him I would leave with the kids if it ever did happen, and sadly, I meant it.  It would break my heart to remove them from their father, but if it means they are never hit again, I'd do it in a heartbeat.  I think my husband knows that, which is why it hasn't happened so far.  He also knows I'd leave if he ever raised a hand to me, too, so why would I tolerate hitting the kids?  Does anyone else have this kind of conflict in their marriage - where one parent insists on spanking and the other is fiercly against it?  How did you resolve it?  Can you comprimise on such an issue?  How?  Ok, we'll spank, but only with a feather?  How about Daddy's allowed to spank, but Mommy won't?  I know what Dr. Phil would say about spanking, but what I need to know is either how to convince my husband that there are other ways that do actually work (when he is so stubborn about trying because it might mean he doesn't know everything!), and how to resolve this major conflict in our  marriage so it doesn't rip our family apart?  I don't know if Dr. Phil ever visits the message boards, but I'd love his input too!  I'm desperate to keep  my family safe and intact!
 
July 3, 2006, 8:48 am CDT

Spirited Children

Having watched many programmes with spirited children,it made me want to go to that family and spend a week with some of these children. 

Electronics seem to have become the babysitters in many homes and quality time spent with these children seems to be a thing of the past. 

I have always read to my son before bedtime,and now Ive read to his children,I devise games that entail participating and also being mentaly stimulating,making paper badges for my grandsons little group of friends,taking him to the library and introducing him to books,so many things that did not cost large ammounts of money,a picnic in a tent in the garden,all easy enough things to do that dont entail money but time. 

Children are not children for long and I like their childhood to be magical and as innocent as possible for whatever time we can. 

Sometimes we need to look to the parents to see why their children are high spirited. 

 
July 3, 2006, 5:22 pm CDT

Be patient

Quote From: mizzentop

  Does anyone else have this conflict in their house?  We have a very spirited boy who is nearly 3.  We also have a 1 month old daughter.  Lately his behaviour has gotten really defiant and rude, and I am sure it is mainly regression and a bid for attention due to her arrival.  I am an ECE (early childhood educator) with nearly 14 years experience, so I like to believe I have some idea what I'm doing.  So my approach is to tighten the reins and give him more positive attention.  My husband feels it is time to move on from all that "ECE time-outs and crap", and start spanking him!  I am adamently opposed to any form of physical punishment!  I always have been, and he knew this before we were married.  I knew he was not opposed to the idea, but we had discussed it before marriage and I thought it had been settled.  The problem is that he only suggests this option when our son is being over the top terrible and he is so frustrated and angry he can't cope anymore.  He seems to be developing some anger control issues and it scares me!  He thinks the methods I insist on using like time-outs are not working because it's too lenient (ie in his view, not harsh enough).  I have tried telling and showing him that you don't have to be harsh to be firm and to get kids to listen.  In my entire life, I have never hit a child and I have always managed to find a way to get them to cooperate!  My own son listens better to me than to his father, and I admit to giving him a few too many chances on many occasions.  He is now to the point of, in an angry moment, saying he will leave us because "he's tired of being prevented from disciplining his own kids".  I have reminded him that it is the law which prevents it and that we could lose the kids if he follows through with his threats!  I have also told him in no uncertain terms that he will not be hurting these children as long as I have breath in my body!  I told him I would leave with the kids if it ever did happen, and sadly, I meant it.  It would break my heart to remove them from their father, but if it means they are never hit again, I'd do it in a heartbeat.  I think my husband knows that, which is why it hasn't happened so far.  He also knows I'd leave if he ever raised a hand to me, too, so why would I tolerate hitting the kids?  Does anyone else have this kind of conflict in their marriage - where one parent insists on spanking and the other is fiercly against it?  How did you resolve it?  Can you comprimise on such an issue?  How?  Ok, we'll spank, but only with a feather?  How about Daddy's allowed to spank, but Mommy won't?  I know what Dr. Phil would say about spanking, but what I need to know is either how to convince my husband that there are other ways that do actually work (when he is so stubborn about trying because it might mean he doesn't know everything!), and how to resolve this major conflict in our  marriage so it doesn't rip our family apart?  I don't know if Dr. Phil ever visits the message boards, but I'd love his input too!  I'm desperate to keep  my family safe and intact!
Tell your husband to be patient with your son.  My daughter was 3 when my son was born and it was an adjustment for her, too. Your son has been the center of Mommy and Daddy's world for 3 years and then all of the sudden "the baby" comes along.  It's pretty stressful for them.  I think your strategy of giving him positive attention is good, just make sure it doesn't become a habit (i.e. she gets some attention and he starts throwing a fit).  Also, make sure that your son has some positive attention that includes the baby.  Let him hold her, hold her bottle.  Have him help you with her, like getting a diaper when she needs changed.  This will give him a sense of "Mom needs me" and, in time, he'll start to realize he is still a vital part of the family.  My husband and I do spank, occasionally, but not with anything other than our hands.  And, NEVER when we are angry.  We use it more as an attention-getter than a punishment.  You and your husband really need to sit down and work out the discipline issue.  Kids pick up on the dynamic between you two.  They will play one against the other, even as young as 3.  My husband and I always stand with each other on the discipline (at least in front of the kids).  Any conflcts we have on it, we resolve in private, out of their earshot.  Please don't be fighting in front of the kids, especially if one or the other of you is threateaning to leave the family.  The kids will think it's their fault, when it's really an issue with the two of you.
 
July 3, 2006, 6:30 pm CDT

Resources

Quote From: kensbirdie

I have a 4 yr old and a 2 yr old well my problem is that my 4 year old is in a stage where she is testing me at every coner and the 2 year old is coping her sister.  i dont know what to do anymore with my child.  i love her very much but there are days that i wish that i could stay at work so that i dont have to be around her.  she doesnt do anything i tell or ask her to do and the moment her father walks in the door she tells him all of the things i did or didnt do.  her father knows that she is trying to put the two of us against each other but it still hurts to hear your daughter constaly tell someone that you are not feeding her, that you are being mean to her. and that she doenst love you.  i know that it is a stage but does anyone know what i can do to get her to stop fighting me every step of the way????
 For all you parents, here are a few books to check out. I won't be obvious and mention Dr Phil's Family book, but it's worth a read.

"Love and Logic" and "Positive Discipline" are two similar resources for parenting concerns. There are books, CD's, plus classes and workshops in the community. Slightly different, but both come from an angle of giving choices, allowing kids to suffer the consequences of their choices, and working with kids to come up with a plan for.....all of it....from homework to chores to cufews.

The key is consistancy, a calm demenor, and picking your battles. There are lots of examples to learn from in both books. They help parents to lose the yelling and power struggles, and allow kids to grow from negative experiences based on their choices.

Kids do what works, whether it's temper tantrums, picky eating, poor grades, or fights.

And don't be afraid to get people involved. A pediatrician, family therapist, a pastor, instructors at parenting classes. There are so many resources avalible. Be strong and hang in there. It takes time and effort to change family habits. Work as a team, get a co-parent involved. Get grandparents in on the plan. Let teachers know what's going on. And have faith.
 
July 4, 2006, 11:44 am CDT

Spirited Kids

Quote From: sueellis35

I have a son that is 9.  After doing research on the computer and speaking to a psychiatrist that I was referred to, I found out that depression in boys shows up as anger.  My son was very irritated all the time, would cry for no reason at all, could not sleep at night.  This was a year ago.  I had my son tested for ADHD come to find out he did have this.  He has been on medication for a year now.  He is on Depakote for depression, risperdal for anxiety and Concerta ER for ADHD.  I tell you the turn around has been phenomenal.  I am not going to say everything is peachy king.  We have our good days and our bad days.  Today has been a challenging day....But I can tell the difference in his school work and for the most parts his day at home.  I am actually able to sit down and have a discussion with him when he acts up and not have to deal with the angry outbursts anymore.  I have to tell you my son is not walking around stoned, and he is highly intelligent which are things that most parents are afraid of when putting their children on medication.
Thanks for the tip that depression shows up as anger in boys!  Does this hold true for men too?  I have a husband who I believe may be depressed, but he isn't sad, just angry all the time.  He especially takes it out on our 3 year old son, by yelling at him and threatening spankings (which I told him he would not be doing to our children as long as I have breath in my body!).  When he is calmer and less stressed, like after a good night's sleep or a vacation, he is perfectly wonderful to our son!  And he doesn't direct it at our newborn daughter.  I will have to ask our doctor.  As to the behaviour of the 4.5 year old boy - our son can be like that too!  People keep telling me it's the age.  I am also an ECE with 14 years experience, and feel like a failure sometimes.  How can I manage so well with other people's children (even the difficult ones), and my own son's behaviour is so out-of-control at times?  I think I fugured out part of it at least.  What I know to be effective techniques as an ECE is not necessarily what I do with my own children.  I tend to have a softer touch without realizing it.   I've given extra chances with my son that I would never have given to other children, because I have that professional distance with them.  They're not MINE.  I've been inconsistent and less than firm and that has led him to try to always get one more chance etc.  He's not sure I do mean what I say when I say, "If you don't do as I ask, this consequence will happen", so he ignores me.  Recently, my husband and I have sat down to discuss a new strategy.  I have started only giving one warning about what it is that needs to happen.  ie I ask once; then if he doesn't comply, I warn him of the consequences if he doesn't do it right away; then the consequences happen.  I stick to this pattern every time, just as I would in a preschool situation.  And it's working!  It's slow, and sometimes he reverts to try and see if his old ways will still work.  When he finds out they don't, he behaves again.  I have also begun to ask him instead of telling him.  For example, I say "What do you think will happen if you don't pick up your toys like I've asked?"  Or, "You've spilled your juice.  What do you need to do now?"  This makes him think for himself what the consequences of his actions will be, so he can start to predict it better.  It also lets me know that he really does understand, and I am then less likely to give him another chance because I want to be fair and give him the "benefit of the doubt".  I have found, being an ECE is alot like being "the preacher's son".  The stereotype is that the preacher's son is the worst morally behaved, despite having a moral leader for a role model.  I find that all the ECE training in the world often goes right out the window when you have your own, and we have to be especially careful to employ the same techniques we would use on anyone else's child (even though we all feel like this is not just anyone else's child; this is MY child and he is of course, different and special!)  I'm not saying this is the case here, but it is worth considering.  It has been very difficult to admit that I may have short-changed my son and caused undue stress to my family by being too lenient with my son, but it feels good now that we are back on track!
 
July 4, 2006, 12:00 pm CDT

thanks

Quote From: mrsclaws

Tell your husband to be patient with your son.  My daughter was 3 when my son was born and it was an adjustment for her, too. Your son has been the center of Mommy and Daddy's world for 3 years and then all of the sudden "the baby" comes along.  It's pretty stressful for them.  I think your strategy of giving him positive attention is good, just make sure it doesn't become a habit (i.e. she gets some attention and he starts throwing a fit).  Also, make sure that your son has some positive attention that includes the baby.  Let him hold her, hold her bottle.  Have him help you with her, like getting a diaper when she needs changed.  This will give him a sense of "Mom needs me" and, in time, he'll start to realize he is still a vital part of the family.  My husband and I do spank, occasionally, but not with anything other than our hands.  And, NEVER when we are angry.  We use it more as an attention-getter than a punishment.  You and your husband really need to sit down and work out the discipline issue.  Kids pick up on the dynamic between you two.  They will play one against the other, even as young as 3.  My husband and I always stand with each other on the discipline (at least in front of the kids).  Any conflcts we have on it, we resolve in private, out of their earshot.  Please don't be fighting in front of the kids, especially if one or the other of you is threateaning to leave the family.  The kids will think it's their fault, when it's really an issue with the two of you.

Thanks for the imput!  Most of your suggestions, I already do with my son.  I agree that even if spanking is used, a child should never be handled in anger.  But how do you hit a child lovingly?  You have to be at least a little angry to do it.  I just could not stand by and watch anyone, let alone his own father, hit my child and do nothing.  It would break my heart to willingly turn him over to be hurt, not just physically, but emotionally.  The two people he is supposed to trust most in the world, and one hits him and the other allows him to be hit?  What a betrayal!  I could not betray his trust like that!  And, as I said to his father, if Dad gets upset when the child hits him, how can you then tell that child with your actions that it's ok for you to hit the child?  My rule for kids is simply this: it is never ok for anybody to hurt anyone, ever. Period.  We are working to resolve the conflict over spanking.  I think it is just my husband's frustration with our son's behaviour and our inability to get it to change, that makes him sure that spanking must, by elimination, be the answer.  I have told him that, if anything, it is likely to make his behaviour worse.  He needs to feel safe and secure and positive about himself and then he will not feel the need to act out.  If anyone else has any suggestions, I'm still open to anything that may work.  It's like adding tools to our toolbelt!  Thanks. 

 
July 5, 2006, 12:14 pm CDT

At my witts end

My 4 year old son isn't usually "spirited" He only turns it on when we're in public or with friends, which I think is the worst time to act up. His grandparents and all of my Aunts are constantly buying him new toys and trinkets. I'm not talking one toy at a time they ALWAYS get him 3 or 4 things at once. So when I take him to the store he expects to get a something not nescessarily a toy but anything. When we go into stores he constantly asks to see the toys or he screams and cries throughout the entire store. Usually I ignore it and go through the store anyway because everyone says your supposed to ignore a tantrum but he does not stop screaming until we get back to our house. Taking his toys away doesn't work because he has so many he'll just find a new favorite. We put him in time out and he screams the entire time he's in time out and says "why don't you love me anymore" and "my mommy hates me". We started time out for four minutes, if he did something wrong in time out like screaming we would extend it as long as it would take, Needless to say he sat in time out one day for about 1 hour 45 minutes because he wouldn't calm down. He threw up twice because he was screaming so hard. I try so hard to be calm and explain things to him but he either doesn't understand or he doesn't want to listen. We use spanking as a last resort punishment but that makes tantrums last longer. My friends keep telling me maybe to use spanking as a first resort, but it's never really given a good result. He doesn't share his stuff with anyone ever because he thinks they'll take it from forever and he'll never see it again. I've gotten to the point where i don't want him to go anywhere with me, but I hate not taking him. I've explained to him that he can't go places with me because he can't control himself but it cause yet another tantrum when i have to leave him. I don't know how to make him behave himself.
 
July 5, 2006, 7:31 pm CDT

Doctor Phil Show.

Doctor Phil. Kids Spirited. Are you kidding me?  Doctor Phil kids are like Gods and Childrens a like. 

I donot understand that at all. See you tomorrow Afternoon. Well I had better close now. Sincerley--- 

Your. Russell

 
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