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Topic : 07/28 When Sexual Styles Don't Match

Number of Replies: 408
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Created on : Thursday, April 27, 2006, 07:15:59 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 05/05/06) Do you and your spouse burn with passion in the bedroom, or is your sex life more like an ice-cold shower? Dr. Phil speaks with couples who say their sex styles just don't match. First, meet Leigh, who just wants a kiss on the lips from his fiancée, Jill, but she would prefer to bite him. Leigh says they haven't had a make-out session in the two years they've dated, but he's gotten plenty of bruises! Then, meet Christy and Ben. Christy says that with two kids, sex has become just another job to check off her list. In order to have sex more often, Ben came up with an idea so they both could get what they want. He created a sex menu called "Chez Christy" where he could order what sex act he wanted, and then pay her for it. Christy was fine with this arrangement in the beginning, but now finds herself crying afterward. Plus, a man who loves to paint his toenails, a woman who can't say any word that sounds dirty, and more! Join the discussion.

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May 5, 2006, 9:01 am CDT

some suggestions

Quote From: jennpooh

well, we have been married for 13 years. I had a hysterectomy about 10 years ago but for the last 5 years I am horrible with our sex life.we have 2 teenagers and we live in a small house and our rooms are very close together.I also gained weight over the years and I do not feel sexy at all After my surgery and being put on hormones I can't sem to get "in the mood".My body really changed after the menopause and he doesn't seem to understand. I became a consultant with Giggle Parties to try and earn money and get the inside scoop on products and buy new things to try. He flat out told me our sex life sucks.when he says wanna poke? or do you want to play with my----- 

well that just doesn't exactly put me in the mood.he wants to be adventurous and try new things but I don't know what to do... ughhhhhhhhhhhhh 

You might find it helpful to go to the website 


It is a site for woman about all the issues surrounding hysterectomies. There is a good section on sexual dysfunction after hysterectomy that would apply to your situation. 


It sounds like you also need to get your body moving.  Don't concentrate so much on the weight issue but instead on getting your energy level up.  Lack of physical exercise contributes to a low sex drive. 


Don't be content to just sit back and say, "I don't know what to do" when there are plenty of things you can try - starting with my two suggestions.  You owe it to yourself and to your husband.     

May 5, 2006, 9:11 am CDT

05/05 When Sexual Styles Don't Match

Quote From: qsommer

wow    to withhold sex from your mate is the ultimate torture.   Sex is a natural need, its not perverse or selfish self gratification.  A well balanced adult has sexual desire.  to not fulfill those need as a spouse is extremely disfunctional.   if you won't do this for him, at LEAST, allow him to find someone who will.   He should not be made to fill obscene for having his god given natural urges, I thing urges Stronger then the one that makes you eat when you are hungry.  I'm sure his buddies talk about the ' great sex ' they had with their wives/girlfriends and he has to sit mute, wondering what is 'WRONG' with him.  And that is sad.




“Not getting sex is torture?  Sex is a natural need? The urge to have sex is stronger then hunger?”  REALLY??????? Therefore what your are saying is if you are married and cannot force yourself on your spouse you should go prowling in the neighborhood to find someone else.






I know my first marriage was doomed when 3 days after returning from the hospital after having our first child, while breast feeding at 4am for the fourth time that night my ex started rubbing his hard-on on my back asking me if I was ready for a little action.  I did the duty for another 4 years.  He only touched me when he was horny and I hated every minute of it.  As long as he was getting it he did not care if I wanted to or not.  By the end of the four years my once very vigorous and healthy sex drive was completely gone.  So I guess rather then divorcing him I should have just let him prowl around the neighborhood but the problem was, my 19 year old daughter was in the neighborhood and she did not feel all that dutiful.   He hit the curb rather quickly and hard.  I'm sure when his buddies talk about great sex they had with thier step daughters he had to sit mute wondering what is 'WRONG' with me.  And the only person who might find that sad is you. 

May 5, 2006, 9:28 am CDT

Excuese me

Quote From: carysmum

What I want to know is how come its always the men that seem to want it more? Whats wrong with you women out there???? I have recently had my first child and my sex drive never changed throughout preganncy!!! My fiancees did however and it has never picked up again. Im frustrated to no means. I feel like he thinks hed be sleeping with HIS mother. I have discussed it with him, and he has the same blase attitude I think most women take on. "Its just sex" or "I dont feel like it right now" I mean come on. If all men are the same, then why is he so different? And NO, he is not having an affair!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Whats wrong with you women out there"  


This was an extreemly irreverent of you.  I think you could have made your point with out putting people down.  I understand that your frustrated by your situation.  Frankly you might work on your communition skills including listening and you might just start to understand what is going on with your fiancees.  If you want something from someone in order to get it you have to change the behavior of the person you see in the mirror when your brushing your hair.   

May 5, 2006, 9:40 am CDT

05/05 When Sexual Styles Don't Match

Quote From: purplepain

I have never ever ever ever understood how some men can have sex with their wife when they KNOW that their wife doesn't want to.

How can that possibly be enjoyable? Then add in paying for it? SICK!

And I am just as stunned by a woman who would bite the man she says she loves.  She seems to think it is cute or something even after he has told her he doesn't like it and asked her to stop.  How can THAT be ok with her?  


I could see role playing a prostitute and john as a hot lil sex game.  We role play lots of different fantasies for fun. It only works when it is actually fun for both of us.  I think using a fantasy game to manipulate your spouse into having sex when she doesn't want to is a mistake.  His focus should be on giving his wife time for herself so she can get become more healthy and rested.  Then he needs to look at ways to ensure they BOTH enjoy their sex life.   


Why in the world would he want to make her submit to anal sex if she hates it? It's just like that biter chick-that isn't love!  What is wrong with these people?? 

May 5, 2006, 9:41 am CDT

05/05 When Sexual Styles Don't Match

Quote From: davis33

I am 22 yrs old, my boyfriend is 23 yr old. He is diabetic...which I think is related to his low sex drive. We are also is a loving, healthy committed relationship. We have been together for 5 year and we live together . This has been a problem that I discussed with him for over a year now...Nothing has changed! I  know he loves me but I get so sexual frustrated. I feel rejected..unwanted...SO...I feel like i crave attention from the opposite sex. I would never cheat on him....but I am getting to the point where I don't know whether the relationship is going to sustain this. I asked him to talk to his doctor...he was reluctant...said he would...but he hasn't made the appointment yet. Should I give him an ultimatatum to talk to his doctor or I am leaving? How long should I wait for him to get around to making this appointment? I am very anger at the situation because I feel like he is ignoring me and hoping I will just get over it. Obviously it isn't that important to him, because if it was....It would already been dealt with. I am not willing to give up there a happy medium?

It is possible he is not going to the DR because he is afraid the DR will tell him there is nothing he can do and that will leave him.  So he keeps putting it off not to frustrate you but to keep you just a bit longer.   


Unless you can assure him that what ever the DR says you love him and are commited to him then I cannot imagine he has any incentive to give you bad news.   


Also the man has a medical problem that affects his sex drive and your are feeling rejected and unwanted?  Would you be happy with non-sexual attention?  The more presure you put on men the more they avoid it.  Fear of failure can make little peter very limp if you know what I mean.  You need a non sexual physical relationship and try to be happy with that.  Take off the presure and you will probaby hit a happy medium faster then with ultimatatums. 

May 5, 2006, 9:44 am CDT

Too Tired

  How do you find new ways to approach sex ?  I'm tired of the same old thing, but I don't know what I want.  I've gotten so turned off by the foreplay that I use the excuse that I'm too tired.
May 5, 2006, 9:56 am CDT

Sex IS a job for some women

I've read all of the posts about this show that will be playing in my city today.  I'm going to watch it but I couldn't help but post a comment of my own.  I've been married for 17 years and, for the most part, am extremely happy.  All but the sex.  Both my husband and I were virgins when we got married so neither of us had a CLUE what sex would be like OR if we'd like it.  In some ways I feel like I got robbed because , of course, he LOVES it and I hate it.  It's very much a job for me and always has been.  My dream marriage would consist of all that we have minus any form of sex.  Of course his would be all that we have and sex twice a week.  I feel horribly that I can't just pretend to like it.  In the past I've tried a few things. I've pretended to like it.  I've told him that I'm NEVER going to want it but I understand that he needs it so if he wants to do it he can.  He knows that for the most part, I'm just laying there waiting for it to be over.  My guilt over this has always been great because he's the most amazing person I've ever known.  We have 4 wonderful children and an amazing life.  I just wish I could make myself want to change the whole sex thing.  I hate it, I'm never going to like it or want it but this marriage just isn't about me.  I give in other areas that I hate too, like gallons of laundry and dishes coming out the wazoo so I realize that I could just "push through the burn" about sex but it's very intimate for him and I don't want him to feel like I'm just putting up with it.  But that's the reality.  I have NO clue how to change it and given the choice, I wouldn't change my sex (sexless) drive.  I like how I feel about sex but it's not working for us.  He's such an amazing person.  We've gone months and months without having sex and he's NEVER angry or hurtful about it.  He patiently just waits for me to be ok with it.  I just wonder if I'll ever get why God created men and women sooooooo differently about sex drives.  I hope he doesn't get so frustrated with me that he looks somewhere else for his satisfaction but I guess if he did, I couldn't blame him. is such a long post.  Anywho.......I'll be open to any suggestions or comments.
May 5, 2006, 9:58 am CDT

05/05 When Sexual Styles Don't Match

Quote From: lucky24

But it might not have to be this way!!!!  


Please convince him to get a check up.  This is something that a physician may very well be able to help him with. Even though he appears to be in good health, there may have been a drop in his testosterone or some medication he takes causing his lack of sex drive.  It is not too late to get to the bottom of this.  Please don't just resign yourself to living like this without at least trying to get some help! 

I agree!  Lack of a sex drive in a man can be a symptom of health problems-particularly a low testosterone level.  A simple blood test of the amount of free testosterone in his blood can diagnose this problem.  Low testosterone increases the risk of heart disease and can cause a host of personality and physical problems.  It can be treated with a simple topical gel applied daily. 


There are other health problems that cause a loss of sexual desire that are even more serious, especially in women. It can be a symptom of ovarian cancer.  Ovarian cancer is called "the silent killer" because women often have no clue they are sick before it is too late to treat. Some other symptoms are: 

  • abdominal swelling or bloating
  • fatigue
  • vaginal bleeding or discharge
  • changes in urinary or digestive system (urgency in urinating, changes in bowel movements, gas, indigestion)
  • pain during intercourse
  • back pain

One in 55 woen get this disease-it isn't rare. 

May 5, 2006, 10:06 am CDT

05/05 When Sexual Styles Don't Match

Quote From: dolfinlady

  How do you find new ways to approach sex ?  I'm tired of the same old thing, but I don't know what I want.  I've gotten so turned off by the foreplay that I use the excuse that I'm too tired.

Why not share a book-like the Joy of Sex or the Karma Sutra? There are other kinkier books too-like "Different Loving" or "Come Hither a Commonsense Guide to Kinky sex".  Reading something like that together might make both of you more adventurous :) 


One . 

May 5, 2006, 10:07 am CDT

05/05 When Sexual Styles Don't Match

Quote From: dolfinlady

  How do you find new ways to approach sex ?  I'm tired of the same old thing, but I don't know what I want.  I've gotten so turned off by the foreplay that I use the excuse that I'm too tired.

Why not share a book-like the Joy of Sex or the Karma Sutra? There are other kinkier books too-like "Different Loving" or "Come Hither a Commonsense Guide to Kinky sex".  Reading something like that together might make both of you more adventurous :) 


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