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Topic : 05/04 Violent Love Intervention

Number of Replies: 299
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Created on : Thursday, April 27, 2006, 07:13:48 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
They’re slapped, beaten and bruised. Sometimes, the violence doesn’t end until they’re dead. Dr. Phil talks to women who say they are the victims of abuse and need an intervention before it’s too late. Michelle says her boyfriend, Ryan, flies off the handle over the smallest issues. She reveals that he began hitting her when she was pregnant with their son. Ryan says he can’t control his anger because his own dad was abusive with him as a child. Is it too late for Ryan to change? Then, Linda says her fiancé, Eddie, shot her in the eye and nearly killed her when she threatened to leave him. He’s now serving only four years in prison because, Linda says, she lied to the police and called the shooting accidental. Her mom, Jody, says she’s sickened that Linda still cares for the man who almost took her life. Will Linda stop loving the man who shot her and learn how to have healthy relationships? Talk about the show here.

Find out what happened on the show.

More May 2006 Show Boards.



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May 5, 2006, 11:03 am CDT

Why women don't leave

Hey, I've read through the posts and these seems to be missing.  As some of you know, I've done this d.v. work for a long, long time. 

  

If you've got a friend or family member in a violent situation, I know that it can be extremely tempting to "force" them to move out or leave.  One of the reasons that women in extremely abusive scenarios do not leave is that the risk of death or serious injury increases dramatically when a woman tries to leave her abuser, so a rational person can sometimes make the decision to take a beating rather than risk their life or the lives of their children by leaving.  (This is what most women who kill their batterers believe- that if they didn't kill their batterers, their batterers would have killed them).  If you are in an abusive situation, I am not encouraging you to stay.  However, I strongly suggest making a very careful safety plan before you attempt to leave.  If the danger is imminent, like you're worried about what's going to happen when he comes home today, then please do not go to a friend or family members unless those people are capable and ready to respond to a threat of deadly force.  Instead, seek out a battered women's shelter.  There are trained advocates can help you with safety planning.  You don't have to be in a shelter forever, but the 72 hours after a woman leaves an abuser presents, literally, an American woman's highest risk of being murdered.  So, please, please, please- if you leave- make sure he doesn't know where you've gone, at least for a little while.   

  

Also, if you are on the outside looking in, and can't understand why someone would stay, it might be worth asking your loved on if they're worried about what their batterer might do if they leave.  If they're worried about serious injury, death, or having their children harmed or kidnapped (because lots of batterers use children and pets as bartering tools), then there are people who can help them come up with a plan to avoid those dangers.  It's a number I think every person should have memorized.  The National Domestic Violence Hotline.  1-800-799-SAFE.   

 
May 5, 2006, 11:42 am CDT

Resources for those in need...or those who just need to learn more

websites           

www.youarenotcrazy.com           

www.dririene.com           

www.abnet.org           

www.womenslaw.org           

www.acadv.org           

www.leavingabuse.com           

www.ndvh.org           

www.actabuse.com           

www.verbalabuse.com           

www.lilaclane.com           

www.womanabuseprevention.com           

www.stopthehurt.com           

www.healthyplace.com           

www.drjoecarver.com           

www.endabuse.org           

www.domesticviolence.org           

www.joy2meu.com           

www.silcom.com/paladin/madv/           

also type in "power & control wheel" & "equality wheel" in your search engine.           

            

books           

"Co-dependant no more by Melody Beattie           

"why does he do that?  Inside the minds of angry & controlling men", "The batterer as a parent", & "When daddy hurts mommy" by Lundy Bancroft (also www.lundybancroft.com)           

"the emotionally abusive relationship" & "Breaking the cycle"  by Beverly Engel (also www.beverlyengel.com)           

"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward           

"The verbally abusive realationship" & "Controlling people"  by Patrice Evans           

"Dangerous realtionships" by Noelle Nelson, PhD           

"It's my life now:starting over after an abusive relationship" by Meg Kennedy Dugan & Roger Hock           

"No visible wounds" by Mary Susan Miller PhD           

            

The national domestic violence hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).              

Domestic violence centers have many free programs and help available from support groups to legal advocates. Call them.   

 
May 5, 2006, 11:44 am CDT

power & control wheel

 
May 5, 2006, 11:50 am CDT

The Left Eye/Right Eye Thing

Quote From: estherm

I record Dr. Phil a lot & yes I too noticed.  I kept rewinding & replaying trying to figure out if I was seeing things. 

cindy 

It's just the editors playing with the images.  They want to give the audience a bunch of different visuals rather than just planting the camera at one angle so the audience doesn't get bored.  They just digitally flipped that one picture and showed the mirror image - like making a photograph from the negative flipped over upside down.   Nothing sinister, no conspiracies.    

 
May 5, 2006, 12:23 pm CDT

05/04 Violent Love Intervention

What is this world coming to? What is wrong with these people?
 
May 5, 2006, 12:58 pm CDT

Violent love intervention-charming abusers

Quote From: naturesgir

I think plenty of women, myself included, fall victim to the "charming" man who seems to promise a life of a happiness; what a thrill it is to be swept off our feet (and that's just what they do) by a handsome, charming man with everything going for him!!!  Then once we've slept with him and bonded (as women do with their lovers), we're in deep and it takes a lot of dislodge that initial impression of the Wonderful Guy; we'll wait years to get him back to what he was in the beginning.  I don't know that we're necessarily "already pathological" to be attracted to these charismatic people -- I'm talking now about narcissistic men, whether physically abusive or not -- or to believe what turn out to be lies.  We don't know till we know, and then we're hooked; their "charm" can be a powerfully addictive drug.  However, I definitely agree that their modus operandi is "crazy-making" and you end up not knowing if the failure of the relationship was his fault or yours.  We definitely need more education on dealing with (avoiding) narcissists.  Can you shed more light, grandma?
The clue here is............What traits in that person did you find so compellling and charming?  Often, those that I counseled found the batterer attractive because they were really into the macho image, his or her sense of humor, or the person matched their perceived "tall, dark and handsome" ideal image of a guy.  Does he remind you of your dad, or of a past date you were in love with before?  I could go on and on, but I'm sure you get the idea.  We tend to fall for or be attracted to "types" of people.  If you keep choosing the wrong kind of person, there is a reason for that.  Only you can uncover that reason and it will probably not be done on a message board.  You need ot talk to someone if that is what you have been attracted to.  Is it their initial air of confidence?  Are they strong, and do they initially make you feel safe or make you feel loved?  Be especially careful if you ever think that someone you are dating is the ONLY one who loves you.  That is probably not very true.  Did someone else abuse you or hurt you in your life?  Explore all of these questions with someone on a crisis hotline or in a private counseling relationship with a licensed clinical counselor if you have concerns about that, please.  I'm not able to get on here very often, but will try to check to see if you respond.  I do care about you, and I don't even really know you yet.  Be aware that many batterers are not narcissists, and may not have any psychosis - - other than an inability to control their own anger.  They may function very well in other areas of their lives.  When they get mad at others in the outside world, that type of abuser will not punch a boss, or a cop that has sited them for speeding; but they will go home and hit their own mate.  That is the difference between someone who is violent with every one and someone who has a family violence problem or a person who abuses his or her date. 
 
May 5, 2006, 1:09 pm CDT

When they get out

Quote From: jules1037

I 'm one of the 911 dispatchers that took several calls the night Linda was shot and spoke to her "loving" fiance. The 911 calls/tapes are very chilling. I can't believe that she lied to the deputies to cover up for him after loosing her eye, but unfortunately it happens all the time.
The sad part is that when these guys get out of jail or prison,I bet he will still blame her for the 4 years,like she still made him do it in the first place..... I didn't realize a woman would still cover for a guy who tried to kill her... that is an eyeopener. The scary part is that if he comes after her again when he gets out, he could not only harm her but her family,roomates or innocent people kiving with her that may think he is long past history. I hope she relocates before he gets out . I really hope her counselling goes well and the surgeries and whatever type of rehab they have her in. She has the ability to do a lot with her future and  let us know how it goes for her. PS> The guy eddie looked like somebody from the sopranos...:>)
 
May 5, 2006, 1:09 pm CDT

05/04 Violent Love Intervention

Quote From: Pleasance

Well, lets see---your comments give some clues. 

  

YOU SAID " that red-headed woman had it coming." 

  

Is that part of your belief system? 

  

Toward women? 

  

What else do women have coming to them? 

  

What is your belief system? 

  

  

I believe that women should NOT be abused by their boyfriends and they should simply just LEAVE THE RELATIONSHIP if it's getting out of hand. 

  

I was always taught that girls were gentle and I could never lay an aggressive hand on a girl. 

Women need to be treated with love and kindness, not violence. Violence doesn't solve anything in a relationship. It only leads to more problems and abuse and violence. 

 
May 5, 2006, 1:18 pm CDT

Distracting.

Quote From: DrPhilBoard3

Some viewers have raised questions about the injury suffered by Linda, who appeared on the Dr. Phil episode “Violent Love Intervention.” They have noted a shot of Linda in which her injury appears to flip to the other side of her face.

  

 

  

 

As part of the effort to make a show that’s as visually interesting as possible, Dr. Phil producers will occasionally flip their video footage. The technique very simply creates a mirror image of the actual footage and is used often throughout the television industry.

  

 

I hope the Dr. Phil producers will note that a portion of the Dr. Phil audience finds such playing around with the video footage distracting, particularly in certain situations such as an injury to one side of the body.  Such manipulation of the image is counterproductive to the message Dr. Phil wants the audience to receive.  The situation is dramatic & "visually interesting" enough without the flipping.  

 
May 5, 2006, 1:26 pm CDT

How do I help a friend????

Long story short, I was with a guy when I was 17 who was very verbally abusive and hit me once but his friends were there and tackled him to the ground.  I got out. We have a child together. When my daughter was 10 months old he began dating another girl, me and her get along great. They’ve been together for 4 years now and also have a child together. I had suspected he was hitting her along with his usual verbal abusive and she finally told me yes after he admitted to being on meth for the last 2 years.

I’ve been as supportive to her as possible, she is staying with her parents now but is going back and forth with him, saying he’ll never change (since he won’t go to rehab or anything)  but still staying nights over there saying it’s hard b/c they have a child, yeah well I know I’ve been there. She’s had so many bruises and when he gets out of control there’s no stopping him.

I’m pretty sure the only reason she keeps going back is b/c she’s scared as I was once. It took a few times of leaving him to stay away from him. I had to make it so he didn’t want me anymore and even still he made my life hell for the next year after I had left.

Is there any way to get through to her that he might snap not only on her but also their child? Any advice??? 
 
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