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Topic : 05/04 Violent Love Intervention

Number of Replies: 299
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Created on : Thursday, April 27, 2006, 07:13:48 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
They’re slapped, beaten and bruised. Sometimes, the violence doesn’t end until they’re dead. Dr. Phil talks to women who say they are the victims of abuse and need an intervention before it’s too late. Michelle says her boyfriend, Ryan, flies off the handle over the smallest issues. She reveals that he began hitting her when she was pregnant with their son. Ryan says he can’t control his anger because his own dad was abusive with him as a child. Is it too late for Ryan to change? Then, Linda says her fiancé, Eddie, shot her in the eye and nearly killed her when she threatened to leave him. He’s now serving only four years in prison because, Linda says, she lied to the police and called the shooting accidental. Her mom, Jody, says she’s sickened that Linda still cares for the man who almost took her life. Will Linda stop loving the man who shot her and learn how to have healthy relationships? Talk about the show here.

Find out what happened on the show.

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May 5, 2006, 9:43 am CDT

Thankyou for the clarification...but...

Quote From: DrPhilBoard3

Some viewers have raised questions about the injury suffered by Linda, who appeared on the Dr. Phil episode “Violent Love Intervention.” They have noted a shot of Linda in which her injury appears to flip to the other side of her face.

  

 

  

 

As part of the effort to make a show that’s as visually interesting as possible, Dr. Phil producers will occasionally flip their video footage. The technique very simply creates a mirror image of the actual footage and is used often throughout the television industry.

  

 

...it seems that too much emphasis is being put on which side of her face was shot, not that she was shot !
 
May 5, 2006, 9:52 am CDT

05/04 Violent Love Intervention

Quote From: merlin2002

I didn't see this show as I'm in South africa and we only get to watch it 6 months later. : ( However I would like to share my sentiments on Dr. Phil being "too hard" on the abuser. Even if an abuser is an abuser because of past abuse, how can that EVER make it right for him/her to abuse? Surely this just leads to more potential abusers growing up and abusing, (through the abuser abusing others and them becoming abusers too)? Isn't this maybe how we have reached this DV Epidemic in the first place? The abuser does not need sympathy...he/she needs to be PITIED into an anger management programme or whatever other treatment or programme to stop him/her from abusing again! We all need to learn to take responsibility for our actions or to suffer the consequences! We've all been abused somehow, somewhere in our lives...yet we all don't become abusers because of it! I applaude Dr. Phil for creating a public awareness and making a National TV example of NOT ACCEPTING and Condoning Domestic Violence. Let's pity the abuser, and let's hope he/she can end his/her own cycle of furthering the abuse through taking the responsibility of his/her past actions and future actions to come!

Oh Keith...you are the coolest. Why can't there be more men in the world like you and Dr Phil? :) You do me proud. 

Love always, 

Sylvia 

 
May 5, 2006, 9:59 am CDT

The issue...

Quote From: cocoamomma

...it seems that too much emphasis is being put on which side of her face was shot, not that she was shot !
Not that the Dr. Phil show would do this, but this apparent discrepancy obviously raised the question in some viewers' minds as to whether or not this girl WAS shot or it was just a makeup job for ratings; that's why it was raised as an issue at all.  Relieved to hear the explanation.
 
May 5, 2006, 10:10 am CDT

Glitch on the show

I record the Dr. Phil show everyday, and I noticed a glitch on the show.  In one section of Linda's interview, her injured eye was on the left side of her face, but the rest of the time it was on the right side of her face.  Did anyone else see this?  I even pulled my husband in the room to look.  We rewinded the program over and over, and he noticed the same thing.  What's going on here?
 
May 5, 2006, 10:15 am CDT

Do NOT expose the kids to this

For the life of me I just don't get how anybody who was living with an abuser can even THINK of allowing their child to have contact with the abuser.  I don't give a damn if he had years of therapy, medication, or devine intervention, you don't take that chance with your child. PERIOD.  That is NO father as far as I'm concerned. A child is better off with NO father than a creep who would hit, beat, or otherwise abuse his wife.  The woman who said 'he is a great dad' is sadly delusioned.  Of couse he APPEARS to be nice. That's how they operate.  You will never forgive yourself is something happens to your child or he grows into the type of person his father is and thinks it's OK to abuse women.  if that were me, I would have a restraining order PERMANENTLY, move out of town and get on with my life without that creep.  Only a pathetic, needy, can't-stand-on-her-own woman would expose a child to a creep like that.  I'm embarrassed and ashamed of my own gender.
 
May 5, 2006, 10:23 am CDT

I'm new

Quote From: DrPhilBoard3

Some viewers have raised questions about the injury suffered by Linda, who appeared on the Dr. Phil episode “Violent Love Intervention.” They have noted a shot of Linda in which her injury appears to flip to the other side of her face.

  

 

  

 

As part of the effort to make a show that’s as visually interesting as possible, Dr. Phil producers will occasionally flip their video footage. The technique very simply creates a mirror image of the actual footage and is used often throughout the television industry.

  

 

I read in our local newpaper that someone in the audience had a heart attack and the show had to be stopped due to medical reasons.  Most likely the switched tape was due to this, before they could resume taping the rest of the show.  Just my take.
 
May 5, 2006, 10:42 am CDT

Technical issue for fellow d.v. workers

Quote From: gradmabear

I have counseled battered women for a number of years and have to say that even confident people (men and women can both be victims) can become victims.  We are so quick to label the victim as being insecure or having no self esteem.  The verbal abuse that goes on prior to the actual assault is so damaging that the confidence is eroded long before the first punch is thrown.  Studies have been done on dogs, repeatedly shocked in a cage, which show the dogs will not leave the cage even after the door is left open - - out of fear.  Violent injury incapacitates the victim and keeps him or her from leaving.  Victims also lose confidence in their own decision making, because they have been controlled for so long.  In that situation, it is nearly impossible to make the decision to leave.  

  

I told my children to immediately dump anyone they are dating if the following signs show up, because these are the earmarks of the abuser: 

  

1.  Your date is jealous of your friends or doesn't like your friends.  Leave quickly and do not see them again if he or she tells you that you are forbidden to see your friends. 

2.  Your date does not like your family and gets mad if you spend time with them.  Batterers try to isolate the victim from his or her family and support systems. 

3.  Your date thinks you should dress, wear your hair, wear your make-up or no make-up a different way - - or critiques how you look negatively.  Good dates should build you up, not put you down. 

4.  Your date criticizes you.  People who like me do not criticize me! 

5.   You feel sorry for your date, or you think you can "fix" your date.  If you start to feel sorry for anyone you think you are in love with, you may easily confuse the emotions of love and sympathy.  Do you really love this person?  Or, do you just feel sorry for them?  The only good reasons to love someone is that you admire, respect, enjoy the company of the person, and they make you feel GOOD about yourself!  Anything else may be nurturing run amok! 

6.  Your date gets angry and blames you or your actions for his or her loss of control.  As Dr. Phil says, "You can't change what you don't acknowledge!"  The batter will not even admit responsibility for his or her own actions.  I have heard, "He beat me because I put mushrooms in the spaghettti."  "He beat me because I made him mad."  BULL!  Your date beat you because he or she could not control his or her own temper!  That person could choose to react any number of ways, but instead chose violence instead of taking a walk, punching a pillow, or any other number of acceptable outlets. 

7.  You do not know at least 10 people who can say your date's name with a smile on their faces.  People who are not batterers will have longterm, good friendships.  If they don't seem to have that, you bet your bippy there is a reason for that! 

8.  The person you are dating is giving you the big rush, such as pressing you for a relationship quickly, pushing you for sex right away, or for a commitment to them early on in the relationship (anything prior to three months into a relationship would be suspect in my book).  They want to lock you in with them before you realize how nasty, mean, or worthless they really are! 

9.  Your date even hints in a kidding way that they will hit you, or if your date physically restrains you in any way.  Controlling behavior of any kind is very suspect.  

10.  You feel afraid or feel put down whenever you are around the person you are dating.  Your date should make you feel safe, happy, and better about yourself - - or you should RUN LIKE HELL. 

  

  

FACTS:    

Calling the police - If anyone lays a hand on you in anger, they are breaking the law in this country!  There are laws against lumping people up!  GET AWAY IMMEDIATELY and call the police for your own safety and let them know what the situation is - - even if you are not sure that you want your date arrested.  They will explain the law, your rights, and be more vigilant when they pass your home.  No police officer will force you to arrest someone, if you don't want them arrested. 

  

ANGER is like an iceberg.  Underneath it is feelings of insecurity, feelings of rejection or the fear of rejection, hatred, lack of self esteem, and many other emotions. 

  

History.  Those who have lived with abusive parents are likely to become abusers or victims themselves, depending upon which parent they identified with more as a child. 

  

Family violence - - unlike street violence, is a learned problem which can be unlearned.  Some very good people can have this problem, but are unlikely to change without some kind of motivating crisis in their lives.  That is another reason I was glad Dr. Phil separated Michelle from her boyfriend while he works on his control problem.   

  

Helping a friend or family member who has been victimized.  Get them making their own decisions as soon as possible.  They need to gain control of their own decisions and life to recover quickly.  Anyone who does not ask a victim what they want to do about the problem is the wrong helper for the victim. 

  

Violence only gets worse.  If you think it won't happen again, you are so wrong.  We teach people how we will allow ourselves to be treated.  Don't wait until a date becomes angry.  Before any violence has a chance to occur, tell your date that you would never allow someone to get away with hitting you and that if they ever do hit you or threaten to hit you it will be the END of your relationship.  Then stick to that. 

I've also worked in domestic violence for a really long time.  I'm emailing you abou the so called shock-dog experiments.  While writing a paper on battered women who kill for law school, I did a lot of research into "learned helplessness"- the problem is that the advocate of that theory (Walker) didn't really do her homework.  The reality was that most dogs continued to respond to the stimuli, and that the numbers of dogs that stopped responding did not form a significant enough number to warrant extrapolation to humans.  In addition, many d.v. workers, like myself, feel like Walker later turned on the d.v. movement- she testified for the defense in O.J. Simpson's murder trial, which has made the use of her theories a little less credible.  Just letting you know it's an area that you might want to look into more because your info. is a little out of date  for example, most of the work since the early to mid 1990s has demonstrated that battered women do not typically engage in behavior that is consistent with learned helplessness, but engage in behavior that is actively directed at reducing the risk of future violence.   Again, this is just a technical issue.  I thought your list for spotting potential abusers was really good and your later clarifications very helpful.    

  

  

  

 
May 5, 2006, 10:52 am CDT

05/04 Violent Love Intervention

Quote From: mogirl227

For the life of me I just don't get how anybody who was living with an abuser can even THINK of allowing their child to have contact with the abuser.  I don't give a damn if he had years of therapy, medication, or devine intervention, you don't take that chance with your child. PERIOD.  That is NO father as far as I'm concerned. A child is better off with NO father than a creep who would hit, beat, or otherwise abuse his wife.  The woman who said 'he is a great dad' is sadly delusioned.  Of couse he APPEARS to be nice. That's how they operate.  You will never forgive yourself is something happens to your child or he grows into the type of person his father is and thinks it's OK to abuse women.  if that were me, I would have a restraining order PERMANENTLY, move out of town and get on with my life without that creep.  Only a pathetic, needy, can't-stand-on-her-own woman would expose a child to a creep like that.  I'm embarrassed and ashamed of my own gender.

Wow- having worked in family violence and seen the overlap between spousal abuse and violence to children, I understand your sentiment, but you are grossly oversimplifying things.  Spousal abuse is a factor in custody decisions, but hardly ever the deciding factor.  Most parents are left with the option of following a court-order that requires visitation or "kidnapping"  a child and being a wanted felon.   You may advocate the second option, but most people don't have the resources to leave the country or go underground, and that type of life has been described as incredibly demanding and difficult on the children.  In addition, most groups that exist to help people disappear when children are in danger deal specifically with child abusers. 

  

I do understand where you're coming from,  but most formerly battered people really have no choice about their children seeing the other parent and don't need a guilt trip about being forced to comply with those laws or about trying to make the best situation possible out of what they've been forced to do.  It isn't nearly as easy as you'd like to make it sound, and I worked with thousands of women, not one of whom I would call pathetic, needy, or can't-stand-on-her-own, who worked really hard to have decent relationships with abusive exes, because they wanted the best for their children.  It is an oversimplification to say that a child is better off with no father than with a father who is a spousal abuser.  Some children and some fathers, that is certainly true.  (And I'll add my father who abused my mother and us to that mix).  But I've also known spousal abusers who were wonderful fathers and whose children would suffer from their absence.     

 
May 5, 2006, 11:00 am CDT

I know from experience

  

  

         I can definately see how the woman would still think that she wants to be with this man that shot her.  This man has twisted her mind to think that he is all she has.  That he does violent things with a cause and effect additude.  Abusers cause their victims a tremendous amount of damage mentally and emotionally before the physical side ever enters the picture.  It is so hard to explain a victims side and how they see things because the abuser always puts the words in her mouth for her so to speak.  He makes her believe his justification on a level that noone would understand except the abuser and the victim.  Its their special " bond" to know one another and secretly know the real intentions behind eachothers actions.  Something as simple as this example:  My abuser would lie about staying up all night.  I would clean the kitchen before I went to bed.  He would come to bed with me, but I would always be the first one asleep.  I would wake up sometimes and notice he wasnt in bed, no big deal, he just couldnt sleep or something.  I would find dishes in the sink  when I woke up that werent there when I went to bed.  So he had something to eat in the middle of the night.  I would wake up at 5:30 a.m. when he would finally come to bed.  So I have proof that he was awake all night.  But yet he would lie about ever even getting out of bed.  So I start wondering why he would lie about this.  Its nothing tolie about.  I dont mind if cant sleep or something.......he must be doing something behind my back that he doesnt want me know about.  That is where my thought goes.  This goes on and on and I try to catch him doing something wrong.  But Inever do.  So I am sleep deprived, feeling paranoid, and constantly thinking only about him and what he is doing and why.  Which makes me vulnerable to confusion because of the lack of sleep.  Makes me feel like Im doing something wrong with my paranoia because it doesnt make any sense to lie about something so simple.   And takes my mind to him.  I forget about my need for sleep and my need to trust myself when I think something is wrong (because I thought he was doing something wrong, but never found evidence, except the lie about him not sleeping) and Ive poured a lot of energy trying to find out why he would lie about this perfectly normal thing all people go through of not being able to sleep.  When I confront him with evidence that I know he hasnt been in bed he confesses.  But only with the evidence, where as before he would deny it.  So this says I have to prove everything to HIM.  Again taking away focus from me and putting it on hm and taking away time that could be devoted to something much better that finding evidence on him just to get some simple truth.  But the fact that it is such a simple small lie of something not of much worry to me I let it go.  Do you see how many ways this one simple lie has affected me?  Imagine now that everything escalates.   He obviously just didnt want me to worry about his lack of sleep that is why he lied the first time.  It was for me the lie. The truth is that he did all this to get you to focus on him.  Put yourself aside temporarily.  But eventually, all you end up doing is focussing on him and losing yourself almost permanently.  Your whole world and life has been focussed on him for a long time and you dont even know who you are or what you want out of life or a relationship anymore, but you do know who he is and what he wants.  And he can still make you happy, very happy at times, so he must know something about you, you dont even know anymore.  You know how to make him happy, but not yourself.  He knows how to make you happy but you dont.  It gets so much more twisted than this.  But this is only one simple scenario of an abusive relationship.  The abuser draws everything out of you to serve whatever need/needs he needs fullfilled and he feels entitled that you are the one who provides it for him.  Even when he shows love and affection, it is only to make his self feel something.  Whether it is that he is a good boyfriend, that he is loving,(which he may not feel about hisself after he hurts you, so he apologizes and shows affection so he feels better about hisself) or whatever need it may be that he need to feel.  He is not showing you love to make you feel loved.  He isnt even thinking of how it makes you feel only how it makes him feel and how it makes him look.  Whether it be he looks truly sorry, looks like he really does love you, looks like he feels guilty.  The end result is an emotionally confused, mentally confused person who thinks that pain is acceptable if only it helps relieve their emotions and mental anguish.  Because when the physical abuse happens whether it s often or not it actually awakens the victim for a minute before all the twisting starts again.  And the victim actually learns to twist their own minds helping the abuser do his job because it makes for less verbal, emotional,mental, and physical abuse.  If you set your mind to think like theirs for the most part you know how to keep him happy, but that is ever evolving because he always needs more.  Even when the abuser is gone because of seperation or whatever, he is still with his victim in her head.  There is no escape until the victims way of thinking comes out of his way of thinking.  During an abusive relationship alot of times the victim is made to be and do whatever he needs her to be or do.  So she has made that a priority in her mind out of self defense.  When he is physically not there she still feels that he needs her so much in order for him to survive even maybe.  She is not thinking about what she needs because he does that for her.  She needs him just as much as she thinks he needs her.  It takes a whole lot more healing to erase that than it does to implant that.   

 
May 5, 2006, 11:02 am CDT

A 'privilege' to abuse? I think not.

Quote From: awfulcute

You are speaking as though bullying people is a privilege. 

  

When a child is damaged at birth it causes family-wide frustration.  No one knows what the "evil" influence is. They are all caught up in it and chaos rules. 

  

Everyone on earth is capable of losing their tempers. Everyone, no matter how lovely their lives are.  Damaged kids are blamed as if it's their faults. They bring out the worst in everyone.  

  

There are many reasons for discord in a family. I'm saying that Ryan's family has both. His father's short fuse and this short fuse which has been triggered by Ryan's doctor-caused birth injury.  

  

I would be interested to hear what his mother can tell us about her birth experience. 

Your Demerol explanation is nothing less than an excuse.   

  

Yes, we can all lose our temper.  The difference is what we 'choose' to do when that happens. 

  

How do you explain the multitude of abusers on earth prior to the discovery of Demerol?   

  

Blame the doctors.  Blame the women.  Blame the drugs.  Blame society.  Blame whatever you want.  Until abusers take responsibility for their actions, and people stop giving them excuses, this tragedy will continue. 

 
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