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Topic : 07/27 Fighting Styles

Number of Replies: 166
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Created on : Thursday, April 27, 2006, 07:07:11 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 05/01/06) Dr. Phil’s guests say they fight so much that fighting has become the only way they know how to communicate. But is there a right and wrong way to fight? Kim admits that she’s a screamer who often uses profanity in front of their kids. Her husband, Mike, says he’s a cerebral fighter who retaliates by calling her “mental” and “psycho.” Kim has reached such a boiling point that when she goes at it with her spouse, she throws the phone and smashes up picture frames! Can this couple learn to put down the gloves and call a truce? Then, Belinda’s screaming and hitting caused her husband, Gerald, to move across the country just to get away from her. Cameras caught the chaos when Gerald returned home in an effort to sort out their issues. Will reconciling with Belinda be the biggest mistake of his life? If you’re a feuding couple, don’t miss Dr. Phil’s Rules for Fighting Fair and talk about the show here.

Find out what happened on the show.

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May 1, 2006, 8:48 pm CDT

eating phobia

Hi im Lin from New Zealand  

I have had an eating phobia since the year 2000 due to a choking inserdent which has caused weight loss, low immune system causing infections, anemia, ect...  

This has been hard trying to keep myself alive eating baby foods and drinking alot of milk drinks. i have been to a nutritionist, counselling, hospitals and nothing has done any good.  

it takes me an hour or so to eat 2 eggs and some potato for example.  

Dr Phil i dont know what to do any more ive tried everything as far as the mental heath and nobody can provide the right help i need.    

Please can you help or have any surrgestions. thankyou  

   

Lin


   

 
May 1, 2006, 8:52 pm CDT

Great advice for non-abusive relationships.

Quote From: mommaof1

Ya know couples fight everyday,Married or not. It is how they bicker or fight. I love the philosophy Dr Phil says; use I-messaging and sandwiching ,Use a sentence that doesn't sound so hateful like "'I feel when you ignore what i am saying you don't care." Instead of Screaming out 'Why aren't you listening to me @@#!". My boyfriend ans I do fight but we both take deep breaths and get our emotions out. We have a son and don't want aggression reflect on him.Also try to start out with something positive to say then an negative remark follow up up with another positive. If all you can do is say negative things about your spouse. I think you are going down hill. I do believe that the couples who say they never fight ... they must have some issues of their own in their closet. a fight is good every once in awhile. Thasts what makeup sex is for... lol also you might see how much you appreciate your spouse. don't let the little things drive ya nuts. And don't dwell on the past. Thank God every day you do have and look forward to the futureGOD BLESS ALL 

OTOH, I once had a passive-aggressive boyfriend where I did all those things you said in your first couple of sentences & told him my needs.  He went & did the exact OPPOSITE of what my needs were.  He didn't care about my feelings or needs.  Your advice is great, but only when the other person genuinely cares about you & has your best interest in heart.  For passive-aggressive abusers, telling them your needs only gives them more ammunition to hurt you. 
 
May 1, 2006, 9:44 pm CDT

Enough Is Enough

After watching the show today and seeing Kim and Mike, boy it was like looking in the mirror.  What people don't see is how it all comes to this.  My example is while I was pregnant with our daughter (at my 6 month mark) he had been drinking and was pretty intoxicated.  He crawled into bed that night and wanted sex, I told him no I had to work in the morning and wanted to go to bed.  I also told him that the smell of the Whiskey made me sick to my stomach.  Any pregnant women knows that certain smells are just unbearable and you would like to vomit.  Numerous times I had asked him to brush his teeth because of the smell he refused.  Back to the dreadful night.  I said no to sex, he got mad and kicked me and pushed me out of bed.  I had a few choice words for him and the evil night started.  I should've called the police, but I didn't.  It has taken me a long time to come to grips with this and have found myself living in a lie.  This is where all the fighting really starts.  At first I was pretty passive and just let him do as he pleased.  Then I started standing up for myself and he didn't like that one bit.  Fighting got worse and I ended up losing all respect for him.  I am to the point that I hate him and everything that he stands for.  I also have an 8 yr old from a previous marriage and it makes me sick to my stomach everytime he hears us fight.  I get called the infamous B#(%* word, and I am crazy and mental, F^%*(%$ Stupid and everything is my fault so on and so forth.  I have decided that it is time to end the crazyness and am seeking leagal council and will be filing for divorce.  I can no longer take to constant fighting and the drinking.  I have two beautiful children to think about and my emotional stability.  If I don't do something to protect myself now, I am afraid of what might happen the next time I say NO!  Please if this is happening to you or has happened end the craziness and think of yourself first....it will all work out in the end and everything happens for a reason.    

  

God Bless You All  

 
May 1, 2006, 9:45 pm CDT

Someone help me 2 understand!

Hi all! 

I am 22 years old.  I was with my fiance for three years.  We got engaged last november and this feb 15 he left me with no warning while I was at school.  We faught alot like this.  I watched dr phil today and bawled because it seemed so familiar.  While I was growing up I had a lot of problems with weight.  I am very insecure and worry about rejection and not being loved.  While with my ex I was harrassed mulitple tiems by a girl he had been with and she almost caused me to quit school.  I got depressed and in 4 months I gained 50 lbs.  All together over the course of the time I was with him i gained 72lbs.  I became really unhappy with myself.  I thought I was ugly.  I would catch him looking at other girls..(skinny, blonde girls that I wanted to be)  and it made me feel worse. I hated nudity because if i was nude I wouldn tbe waht anyone would want...and this escalated into fighting a lot.  I didnt want him to look at other girls, wanted to know what he was doing on his computer all the time (7hrs a day or more! while i went to school), i didnt want to watch movies with him that had nudity, it got to where he thought i was controlling, maybe I was in that aspect but I didnt ever feel appreciated or godo enough and it was hard so we faught and then one day he up and left.  He blames me for everything but there is so much more to it! after three years he just left and doesnt love me anymore he says.  I love him so much and want to know how to move on and get over it...someone help! 

 
May 2, 2006, 12:26 am CDT

Honesty

Quote From: brandittt

I felt similar feelings, I believe, as Kim.  My husband and I do not fight very often, but when we do, it is a big one.  I feel like I have to have the last word in and that brings regret.  I hate doing it..and sometimes wish I had a sock put in my mouth.  But I always have to have the last word.  But it seemed as if Kim was very furious about things that happened in the past.  I am really bad about that too.  HOW DO YOU OVER COME THE PAST?  For example, I found out that my husband has a problem with looking at pornography and other women.  I found things on the computer.  At first, when confronted about it, he denied it.  Then confessed, but the story always changes.  Well we have dealt with that.  He is doing better by not doing anything that would tempt him.  Just recently, however, I found a strange business card in his wallet (not snooping) and his response, as always, was he didn't know.  Has no idea where he got it.  How can I move on with the future when he cannot confess to things of the past????  He gets FURIOUS when I tell him that he does know where he got it or where the e-mails come from, he adamantly denies knowing anything. 
Sounds like you have a big trust problem going here.  You on your end need to grow up and find another way to get past having to have the last word.  I think when we do that its a immature reaction.  LIke it makes us right or something.  As for your hubby...I'd take a good look at your life together.  I don't care if my hubby looks at porn occasionally but he doesnt hide it or lie about it.  Anytime someone starts lying or being secretive its time to call them on it and if thats how they want to live...get out.  No one should feel the need to live a lie with their spouse..if they do then what are they doing together?? Its sure not because they love and respect the other.
 
May 2, 2006, 12:30 am CDT

I could really feel belinda's pain

      It has been four years now that the relationship I had been in for ten years ended. I too was like Belinda. I was always angry and hot tempered but I was the one that ended my relationship. The way I  have always have done.  Now I don't have the anger and fighting but then I have no one to fight with. I just can't seem to feel anything any more. Everyday I pull away from one more friend and one more family member. I find now I just don't like anyone. All people get on my nerves and I can only stand them for a short time. I am so confused to why I feel this way? Because I am really so very lonely. People like me even love me and I just can't stand them. I know I had a bad childhood with my parents drinking and fighting constantly. Yes I was abused just about in every way, But so have other people and they are not like me. So what's wrong with me that I can't let anyone love me? I know I could use therapy but I just don't have the money or Ins. for that kind of thing. I have been trying to change and do things different. I lost 130 pounds and stop drinking and now I've bought patches to stop smoking. I have started taking classes at a Jr college to get back to work after a job injury that disabled me. But still I keep getting farther away form the people I love. Why do I dislike being around people so much? I really just don't know what to do if there is anything I can do.  

Nancy  

 
May 2, 2006, 1:12 am CDT

Amen

Quote From: flthomcat

How sad that you felt the need to "sell" a book here.  

  

As a teacher in the 90's, EVERYONE with problems was diagnosed with ADD or ADHD. And it still continues today. For you to diagonose the male guest from his 15 minutes of T.V. fame is RIDICULOUS.   Dr Phil has plenty of experts (medical and otherwise) on staff and there to assist him with his guests. I'm sure he's checked out his guests long before they've even appeared on his show. Give the good doctor more credit!!! 

  

I, too, must have ADD because I'm frustrated with your post, I can't seem to concentrate on anything else, I'm moody and anxious, I am distracted, I have a bad temper and...drum roll, please...I OBVIOUSLY have "Oppositional Behavior" when it comes to your post:)  By t he  way, I didn't notice an abbreviations after your name...you know, the ones that identify you as a doctor! 

You couldnt have said it any better.   I'm so tired of everyone saying anyone that can't deal with life should be drugged and have ADHD.  I'm sure there are some that TRULY have this but in my opinon its over done about 90% of the time, especially if you're a single parent...and I fell for it too.   BUT NO MORE!!!
 
May 2, 2006, 2:40 am CDT

Abused Guys

Gerald and the men who've posted that they  feel the same:  There are a lot of men who are in your shoes. I once was.

Try to remember that to many people of both sexes YOU are the villian. That is a central error which poisons and distorts our society.  It is a great wrong which infests and pollutes all of society. You are not at fault for her bad behavior nor for social contempt for abused men.

Those of you in the US may look for help and for it to be coming soon. Women who abuse may also, in the US, look to service to stop being abusive to be coming in the next few years. The group RADAR are, as we type, lobbying your congress and senate for an end to institutional contempt for abused men. It looks like they may well win.  Canadians face a MUCH longer wait as the men-are-scum people have an immense and overwhelming hold on Canadian politics.

If we are to have a free and fair society, we must end social contempt for males and social support for a woman's right to be abusive. This is a hard fought fight, but one we must win.
 
If you would, please call your local DV service and ask for therapy/help. YOU may not need it. That said, asking creates the buzz which is badly needed to help those who have REAL and immense needs. They will almost certainly throw some contempt your way: Almost all do to abused men. That said, be taking a bit of flack you make a very small change in the system, which over time spreads throughout the system. This leads to the changes we need. Without change, we will go on lossing children to abusive families.

And to the women who support a woman's right to be abusive:  SHAME! Shame on you.
 
May 2, 2006, 2:56 am CDT

A personal note on fighting styles

This is  a second marriage for my wife and I. In the previous marriages we put up with our respective spouse's  bad behavior ... especially their  abusive fighting style.

Now, my wife and I do not fight. We TALK! We talk slowly, we do not blame. These two things make a difference which is startling. Life is peaceful and clam. This, this is a good thing!

I do not understand why anyone would talk to their spouse in a way which would be forbidden in a business conversation!  Oh I know, I know, the intimacy between healthy spouses (spice?) is also forbidden in a business conversation ... yet the central point remains. Manners are required between spouses.

Have those of you with fighting problems tried the kitchen chair method of resolving fights?

Get two kitchen chairs. Place them facing each other. Sit in them so your knees are touching. Hold hands. One makes a point, the other repeats the point using their own words, then makes his/her own point. Back and forth it goes. This method forces a couple to concentrate on the other as a fellow and close person. The kitchen chair method is quite good at improving communication.
 
May 2, 2006, 4:18 am CDT

These people are just sad

Quote From: mom2ajcody

Just to sum up in a sentence, its easier that way.  I know exactly why she is doing what she is doing.  Being a stay-at-home mom you have no money (sorts) and depending on how much the husband makes, you can't get any support, believe me I have checked into myself.  Don't criticize if you don't know the situation, not that much different than woman who stay in an abusive relationship!

This episode was just sad.  My husband and I disagree on things but have never resorted to name-calling and screaming and hitting and all the nonsense these people were demonstrating.  How childish!  Grow up!   

 
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