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Topic : 07/27 Fighting Styles

Number of Replies: 166
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Created on : Thursday, April 27, 2006, 07:07:11 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 05/01/06) Dr. Phil’s guests say they fight so much that fighting has become the only way they know how to communicate. But is there a right and wrong way to fight? Kim admits that she’s a screamer who often uses profanity in front of their kids. Her husband, Mike, says he’s a cerebral fighter who retaliates by calling her “mental” and “psycho.” Kim has reached such a boiling point that when she goes at it with her spouse, she throws the phone and smashes up picture frames! Can this couple learn to put down the gloves and call a truce? Then, Belinda’s screaming and hitting caused her husband, Gerald, to move across the country just to get away from her. Cameras caught the chaos when Gerald returned home in an effort to sort out their issues. Will reconciling with Belinda be the biggest mistake of his life? If you’re a feuding couple, don’t miss Dr. Phil’s Rules for Fighting Fair and talk about the show here.

Find out what happened on the show.

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May 1, 2006, 6:36 pm CDT

05/01 Fighting Styles

Quote From: dp4mk1

Dear Kim,  

I just finished watching the show and I completely related to you and your situation.  Some of the things that you said; I have spoken word for word.  Just in case that you see this message board, I wanted you to know that you are NOT alone and you're not the only one who feels that way:)  I hope that you find peace and satisfaction within your marriage.  Best of luck!  

Thank you so much for your positive response. I know the show was definately an eye opener for me. I know I did not show my emotions on tv however there have been too many times I have done so behind closed doors. It brings tears to my eyes to know that I helped someone else too. Thanks for the support and best of luck to you...
 
May 1, 2006, 6:56 pm CDT

in the shoes of Gerald

I have been married for nearly 35 years and have been separated for a year now. I can related all too well with Gerald and Belinda's story. I was Gerald and my wife was Belinda -- name calling and cussing and escalating to slapping, and kicking, and threatening me with a knife. After several incidents of violent angry outburst and physical abuse I said "no more" and moved out. My wife, after a year of counseling says she wants to reconcile; yet, in spite of apologizing for the abuse, continues to blame others or situations for the abusive behavior. I have told her there is no way I can even think about joint counseling until she truly deals with the abuse and the blaming. She has also hit and slapped our grown daughters in the past as well. My youngest daughter has a strained relationship with her mom while our youngest daughter has been sucked into the middle of her mom's and my issues by her mom. In spite of being abused by her mom as well, she thinks I am being mean for standing up and saying "no more abuse" and for finally filing for divorce.   

   

   

 
May 1, 2006, 7:04 pm CDT

Blinda is my ex fiance

Blinda describes my ex fiance almost to a T except for the physical abuse. She, my ex, was always trying to level or/and control me, she has a simular past, but I do not know it all, we broke up and got back together at least 4 times. Sadly to say last I talked to her, a month ago, she was in denial that this was affecting our life together, and has left me for the socialization she finds with her 2 widowed girlfriends. Now that I am apart, many things are clear, she has no male friends, cannot understand why I have female friends, that are just friends. So many times she tried to belittle me, and I let her do it. but as with all relationships, I have to own up to my part of this too, I tried to learn good boundaries, but sometimes I failed and would apologize. she said, this is what her first controling husband did, its a patteren, and feared I would be a contoling person. What I learned about me, is that trying harder, loving harder, and not allowing her to be accountable for herself, did not work, all I would do is stuff my hurt and then let it out in a louder voice, telling the truth , but not in a nice way. I work hard every day at changing me, cause I want to. But for my ex, all I can wonder is if she shall ever get help, her councelor, as last I knew, had not reconized this problem. and both put the blame on several other things in our past. I pray the she gets help, and someday , shall live a fuller life, yes I want back with her, but I also just want her to be a whole person again, with or without me. I just care, but she had broken it off final, a month ago. While I learn to move on with out her.  

 
May 1, 2006, 7:13 pm CDT

Help Me Understand

I would not talk to my friend the way that these couples "communicate" with each other.  Why in the world would you be so completely rude and disrepectful to the person you are suppose to be in love with?  If my husband EVER spoke to me the way Mike and Kim speak with each other I would be gone.  Immediately - gone.  So why?  Why do you stay?  Don't tell me it's for the children, you are doing them no service by modeling such awful, ugly behavior.
 
May 1, 2006, 7:22 pm CDT

It's so annoying when..............

It bugs me when people say to Dr. Phil," Well, that's why I came here," or " Yeah Dr. Phil, that's why I'm here" and give 'em a snobby look. We all know you came here for your reason!
 
May 1, 2006, 7:56 pm CDT

soem fgihts are good.

Ya know couples fight everyday,Married or not. It is how they bicker or fight. I love the philosophy Dr Phil says; use I-messaging and sandwiching ,Use a sentence that doesn't sound so hateful like "'I feel when you ignore what i am saying you don't care." Instead of Screaming out 'Why aren't you listening to me @@#!". My boyfriend ans I do fight but we both take deep breaths and get our emotions out. We have a son and don't want aggression reflect on him.Also try to start out with something positive to say then an negative remark follow up up with another positive. If all you can do is say negative things about your spouse. I think you are going down hill. I do believe that the couples who say they never fight ... they must have some issues of their own in their closet. a fight is good every once in awhile. Thasts what makeup sex is for... lol also you might see how much you appreciate your spouse. don't let the little things drive ya nuts. And don't dwell on the past. Thank God every day you do have and look forward to the futureGOD BLESS ALL 

 
May 1, 2006, 8:18 pm CDT

Kim I am JUST like you

Kim,  I just wanted you too know that I am just like you, and everything you have said on the show, I could have said word for word!  My husband feels that he is always right, and everybody has to prove to him that he is wrong.  With that he, whether or not he means to, he has the same condescending attitude towards me.  I had a job from the day I turned 16 right up until September 2001 where I walked out of my job, as I couldn't handle all of the pressure any more.  I felt that I was to do everything, full time job, full time mom, call in sick to take care of the kids when they are sick, and he never had to do anything more than go to work.  Since I quit and was a stay at home mom up until Jan 1 of this year, I always felt that he was superior to me, as it was always his way or no way, to the point  that I don't trust any decision I make, on ANYTHING.  I ask his opinion on how to decorate my boys bedroom, what type of dvd player to buy, anything you can think of.  I couldn't handle being a stay-at-home mom with having no contact with adults, and with him basically working 24 hours a day, and never getting a break unless I beg for one and plan for it.  I was always coming and going as he pleased to the point of getting up in the middle of a television show and getting ready to leave again.  If I wanted to do something, I had to "ask" if it would be OK to go over to a friends house, to go away with my mom, otherwise I had to always have the boys with me.  (He would never admit to doing it, he doesn't think that is this way)  So, at the beginning of the year, after being off work for 4-5 years, I went back to work, for him.  Now working for him, when I make a mistake, I feel even lower than I ever did before, and in the past four months, I have asked how I am doing, and he doesn't ever say a positive thing, just "well I dunno know", "fine I guess".   

  

I feel just like you, not Validated, looked down upon, and just not good enough.  My definition of validated is just as small (or big) as being made to feel like an equal in the relationship, not someone who needs to ask permission for everything. 

  

Kim, I envy you for your husband being willing to take the help, I just wish that I could get my husband to parenting classes, marriage counseling, whatever.  Just know that last statement is NOT minimizing your situation in the least!!  Kim I feel your pain!! 

  

Jodie 

 
May 1, 2006, 8:22 pm CDT

05/01 Fighting Styles

Quote From: kathcar

I would not talk to my friend the way that these couples "communicate" with each other.  Why in the world would you be so completely rude and disrepectful to the person you are suppose to be in love with?  If my husband EVER spoke to me the way Mike and Kim speak with each other I would be gone.  Immediately - gone.  So why?  Why do you stay?  Don't tell me it's for the children, you are doing them no service by modeling such awful, ugly behavior.
Just to sum up in a sentence, its easier that way.  I know exactly why she is doing what she is doing.  Being a stay-at-home mom you have no money (sorts) and depending on how much the husband makes, you can't get any support, believe me I have checked into myself.  Don't criticize if you don't know the situation, not that much different than woman who stay in an abusive relationship!
 
May 1, 2006, 8:23 pm CDT

Message to Kim and Mike...

aKim and Mike please don't give up hope - you both seem like good people who love each other and your family.  Please investigate the possibility of either one or both of you suffering from Gluten Intolerance.  Phil's own mentor Dr Frank Lawless is well versed in the affects of gluten and other dietary sensitivities to individuals and the dramitic affects that they have on a person's life.  Before changing our diet drastically to eliminate gluten completely - we experience vicious fights similar to both of yours.  By only eliminating gluten...and nothing else....the intensitiy and the duration of our fighting has turned around to such a point that its not an issue any longer.  Please for the sake of your children take 10 minutes to investigate this issue...Kim seems to be from a Scandinavian decent which is a group a people that are severly affected by Gluten.  

  

3 Million Americans have celiac disease, but most don't know they are carrying a genetic auto-immune condition.  The most common presenting symptom is fatigue which is almost universal and varies in severity. Gastrointestinal symptoms tend to predominate and may include: gas, bloating, diarrhea or constipation, heartburn and abdominal pain.   

  

http://www.clanthompson.com/exp_doctor.php?status=show_qa&coded_question_id=7&coded_category=General%20Information&coded_category_id=1  

  

  

  

Here is another great source from the Australian Medical Journal regarding the effects of gluten....  

  

http://www.mja.com.au/public/issues/180_10_170504/dug10818_fm.html  

  

Best Wishes,  

  

Nick  

  

  

 
May 1, 2006, 8:31 pm CDT

05/01 Fighting Styles

Quote From: rascals3

I disagree about keeping arguments behind closed doors.  If the fighting is out of control that is one thing, insults and name calling shouldn't be going on anyhow.  My only point is that kids have to know that disagreement between spouses is absolutely normal, they should see the compromising, and that things are worked though.  To leave this out creates an unrealistic view of marriage.  I guess this is also the opposite extreme from the show, fighting so discreet it seemingly doesn't exist.  I suppose as with most things there is a balance.

Oh how I agree with you on this!  I too, believe that kids need to see that just because people fight, doesn't mean they will leave, or that people don't love each other, I think this really is the healthy way to show kids the true life behind a family.  Kids need to know that people can disagree with each other without the world ending, if kids never see parents fighting, but then all of a sudden there is an arguement that just got out of control and this is the first time kids see it, there world really would be shattered. 

  

 
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