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Topic : 07/27 Fighting Styles

Number of Replies: 166
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Created on : Thursday, April 27, 2006, 07:07:11 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 05/01/06) Dr. Phil’s guests say they fight so much that fighting has become the only way they know how to communicate. But is there a right and wrong way to fight? Kim admits that she’s a screamer who often uses profanity in front of their kids. Her husband, Mike, says he’s a cerebral fighter who retaliates by calling her “mental” and “psycho.” Kim has reached such a boiling point that when she goes at it with her spouse, she throws the phone and smashes up picture frames! Can this couple learn to put down the gloves and call a truce? Then, Belinda’s screaming and hitting caused her husband, Gerald, to move across the country just to get away from her. Cameras caught the chaos when Gerald returned home in an effort to sort out their issues. Will reconciling with Belinda be the biggest mistake of his life? If you’re a feuding couple, don’t miss Dr. Phil’s Rules for Fighting Fair and talk about the show here.

Find out what happened on the show.

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May 1, 2006, 5:03 pm CDT

All is fair in love and war

For the 1st couple- the man: Does being an  anal retentive hypocrite make you or your wife feel special every day? the woman: Eventually you're going to have to hang up the past and confront the future by telling him "look, you're not doing a damn thing to help, so either shut up or do something proactive!!" and try to compliment him on his achievements. You both need to focus on doing family activities for your daughter. 

For  the 2nd couple- the man: how would u like it if she talked to men on her cell phone in front of u? If u want her, then what r u thinking? 

the woman: you create your own environment- remember that and either be proactive and positive and get him to stop talking to other women or give up on this ghetto man, u can do better!! 

  

 
May 1, 2006, 5:10 pm CDT

Thanks for bringing that up, Judy.

Quote From: judyblue22

I agree. Mike just laid back and picked at her so he could call her nuts.  What a pathetic man.  And did you see him talking to his son-"Your mother doesn't care that you've been sitting with that load in your pants for half an hour."  like he is incapable of changing a diaper?!  Why even have children if you don't want to look after them??  

  

I agree with you that Dr. Phil missed the mark on this couple. Mike needed to hear that HE had a problem and he didn't. He wasn't told to stop gambling. He wasn't told to help out some with the kids. She was just told to "grow up"...well sheesh, how's that going to play out when they get home?  How often is Mike going to bait her with "grow up"? 

Mike was aware for a half hour that his kid needed a diaper change, yet couldn't be bothered to change a diaper.  He'd rather let the kid suffer as more fodder for his mind games to turn the kid against Kim, & to guilt & anger Kim.  It's bad enough to play passive aggressive mind games against your spouse, but to drag your kid into it:  pathetic is right!  This guy has a HUGE problem!  Dr. Phil picked up on his condescending obvious verbal abuse, but not on the pattern of passive aggressive abuse, nor on Mike's gambling/financial problems.  Every day that Kim stays with him, this hurts her child, her self esteem, & her soul.  The sinking feeling she gets when Mike pulls up in the driveway is a big clue that Mike is Mr. Wrong.
 
May 1, 2006, 5:11 pm CDT

exposing your children to arguments

Quote From: rascals3

I disagree about keeping arguments behind closed doors.  If the fighting is out of control that is one thing, insults and name calling shouldn't be going on anyhow.  My only point is that kids have to know that disagreement between spouses is absolutely normal, they should see the compromising, and that things are worked though.  To leave this out creates an unrealistic view of marriage.  I guess this is also the opposite extreme from the show, fighting so discreet it seemingly doesn't exist.  I suppose as with most things there is a balance.

i don't know how you raise your children but i am not going to expose my 9 month old to arguments i have with my husband.....a disagreement is alot different than an argument or fight and if they are children they shouldn't understand what marriage is and whats normal in one...they are too busy growing up to worry about things that they won't experience until much later in their lives so yeah as a parent you balance what they need and don't need. 

my son and his well-being is paramount to anything else going on...period!  

 
May 1, 2006, 5:11 pm CDT

05/01 Fighting Styles

Quote From: jojo5623

Me and my fiancee have a one year old, and he was also married before. He is also 11 years older than me. Well one day his daughter called him up and asked him if she could come live with us, she is 14. Of course daddy says ok. well all of a sudden she starts picking at me for every little thing I do, she has called me names and I try not to lash out, but she does know what shes doing, and then I maybe say some stuff  that I shouldn't, Well anyway me and my fiancee fight about this all the time, he takes her side ALL THE TIME, no matter what she does and says its ok,, shes a kid he says, well everything is my fault, and i mean EVERYTHING !!!!  my mouth , my attitude, etc. we try not to fight around her, but it doesn't work, we are down stairs and she is upstairs, and she can hear everything we say, At this point in my life i dont know if I want to be with him, cuz of her. We also have issues with him belittling me, and she of course hears that, so when she gets mad then she calls me a b_ _ _ _ and tells me where to go,, my fiancee has a real problem with calling me names and everything is my fault all the time,, and also If I dont do it , it doesnt get done. and Im sick of it!!!!!!!!  He is never at fault with anything, his daughter either. what ever she does and says its ok!! He always says Be the adult, and I have tried, but I cant handle it anymore    HELP !!

I just read your message and tears came to my eyes as it was like reading my own life story.I'm 21 been married for 3 years to a man much older than me (not exactly by choice). Anyway we have a beatiful 2 years old daughter.Everything was fine until I came to live in this country about 2 1/2 years ago.He, like your financee has kids from a previous marriage and without even consulting me or even informimg me brought his overly spoiled and rude 7 years old child to live with us.THE END OF OUR MARRIAGE.I believe we argue the same way and say  the same stuff as you and your financee does.Except that this child is a boy.He walks in the bathroom while I'm taking a shower pulls the curtain, looks at me -naked of course- and says "Oh" and walks right back out, or has tried several time and succeeded a few at touching my private areas,or one occasion when he thought I was asleep he lift-up my dress and was looking up.I've tried many things but somehow his mother,father and grandparents thinks that I'm the problem.How could that be so - I don't know.Needless to say that inspite of the fact that I'm the one who cooks,wash and clean-up for and after him and even taught him to bath himself at age 7, he turns around and say the most rude,disrespectful,embarrassing and hurtful things to me.He called me a retard just a few days ago.Of course his father don't help cause he does the same.He demands that his father sleeps with him,that he sits in the front seat of his fathers van and I sit in the back,if ever we go to the movies he must be the only one sitting next to his father,etc.On top of that, the minute I think to say anything to this child about his behavor my husbands starts to argue with me asking if I think I'm perfect or if I was perfect as a child,leave his son alone he's gonna parent him not me,or on some occasions hit me because I had something to say to this child about his bahavor.Just a few months ago he head-butted me and broke my nose because I treaten to spank his son if he continues to tell and encourage my daughter to disobey me and to "do whatever she wants and eat whatever she wants".   

 When it's all said I'm still here confused,depressed,lost,alone,without any family or friends,without a job or any money,cannot go to school because my husband refuses to pay for day care,cannot get if free or subsidized because HE makes too much of money,cannot pay for it myslf because it would mean saving my money for 2 1/2 months to pay for 1 month.Then of course apart from having no-one to keep my baby my husband takes a full day off from work whenever I have an job interview to ensure that I don't go.   

I can go on and on and on but I wouldn't  but I must say that you're not alone in this and also whatever help you may find please feel free to pass the info on to me. My email is lillahi77@yahoo.com.  Thanks and good luck.   

   

 
May 1, 2006, 5:19 pm CDT

Shame on you

Dr. Phil thanks for setting them parents straight about fussing and fighting in front of their children i think they are selfish and irresponsible. They forgot about the most important people (the children) in that house they didn't deserve to have to live in such an atmosphere. That Mother should start being one and take her pathetic arguments to the garage or for a walk in the woods. 

Thanks you Dr, Phil for being a voice for the children in these sick relationships and /or marriages we need more professionals like you.  

I am indeed one of you BIGGEST fans in South Georgia.  

God Bless You and Robin, 

 
May 1, 2006, 5:20 pm CDT

A story about yelling in front of the

Quote From: carriemi

I am 32 and my dad was Kim.  My dad was even Mike because of his high expectations. 

  

Kim & Mike - please let my story been your wake-up call 

  

My siblings and I were in the middle of all fights between my parents.  I still do find myself trying to stop my dad from screaming at my mom.  If I had to tell you what one thing I remember most about my childhood it would have to be my dad yelling.  It's not the family trips, the summer swims, school, friends, snowball forts, or games.  It's the yelling.  I don't know what he yelled about most days.  I don't think he does either.  I also remember my dad calling my mom names like stupid, lazy and dumb and bit%$.   

  

In my teens I began disrespecting my mom in the same way I saw my dad do my whole life.  I began yelling and calling her names.  I feel sad now looking back how hurtful that can be but I did it without thinking how it might affect her because I thought it was OK since my dad did it. 

  

As I moved away to collge and had one of many serious relationships I continued to yell.  I became my dad.  My nightmare.   

  

When I moved back after college and even on college breaks, I had been away from the yelling so long it took a while for me to get used to it.  To not cry when I heard it.  I still feel like that 8 year old kid when ever I hear my dad yell.  I feel small, hurt, helpless and scared and I am 32!!! 

  

Kim -please don't let my unplesant memories be what your kids remember.  Please stop the cycle now.  Because of my history I have turned toward finding a husband that was the complete opposite of my dad.  My husband doesn't yell and would die before calling me a name. 

  

Luckily for me, I saw the light while in a relationship in college.  I don't know what he said or did to change my view but I realized the yelling was really....dumb...and not worth the effort.  I now "argue" in a very respectible manner.  More like a discussion really.  In fact I really don't think my husband and I fight but rather discuss opinions.  Since we are both head strong we have to agree to disagree many times. 

  

I can't begin to express the hurt I have because of all the yelling when I was growing up.  I can't begin to express the damage it has done to my mother's self esteem but she married him not me.   

  

It got so bad when I was 8 or 9 that my older sister and I were so sick of the yelling that WE wanted our parents to get a divorce.  We even made up a test for our parents to take to tell them if they should divorce or not (no joke).  If that wasn't an outcry from us as children I don't know what was, but it didn't stop.  It hasn't stopped. 

  

Please don't do it.  When I saw your tape I felt like the child again...watching my dad yell at my mom.  It will never go away.  The fear, the hurt, the sadness but mostly the anger I have towards my dad as a grown adult for doing it to us and my mom for not stopping him. 

Once upon a time, my first husband & I were having a loud argument.  Suddenly my husband stops arguing & says, "Look at what YOU are doing to YOUR dog!"  (As if the husband didn't have anything to do with it, but that's not my point.)  I noticed our dog cowering in the corner shaking in fear.  I immediately stopped arguing with my husband & sat down with the dog, petting, apologizing, & reassuring him that everything was okay & that it wasn't his fault.  Never again did I argue in front of the dog.  (We didn't have any children.)  I'll never forgot the detrimental effect arguing had on our dog, & had he been a human child, it would also have been bad.
 
May 1, 2006, 5:22 pm CDT

this guys doen not know how good he has it

 
 
May 1, 2006, 5:30 pm CDT

I understand Kim...

I felt similar feelings, I believe, as Kim.  My husband and I do not fight very often, but when we do, it is a big one.  I feel like I have to have the last word in and that brings regret.  I hate doing it..and sometimes wish I had a sock put in my mouth.  But I always have to have the last word.  But it seemed as if Kim was very furious about things that happened in the past.  I am really bad about that too.  HOW DO YOU OVER COME THE PAST?  For example, I found out that my husband has a problem with looking at pornography and other women.  I found things on the computer.  At first, when confronted about it, he denied it.  Then confessed, but the story always changes.  Well we have dealt with that.  He is doing better by not doing anything that would tempt him.  Just recently, however, I found a strange business card in his wallet (not snooping) and his response, as always, was he didn't know.  Has no idea where he got it.  How can I move on with the future when he cannot confess to things of the past????  He gets FURIOUS when I tell him that he does know where he got it or where the e-mails come from, he adamantly denies knowing anything. 
 
May 1, 2006, 5:48 pm CDT

Doctor Phil Show.

Doctor Phil. I think fighting in front of kids is no good at all. That is the way that my Dad and Mom---- 

use to do it in front of me but no more. But however I almost ran away when my Dad and    Mom----  were fighting everyday and got really upset but again no more. See you tomorrow. Well I had bette- 

r close now. Sincerley Your. Russell


 
May 1, 2006, 6:32 pm CDT

im dont know what to feel or how i should feel

Quote From: DrPhilBoard3

http://drphil.com/articles/page/DomesticViolenceResource/
 Dr phil, please see my profile and my message on the board i posted and advise.
 
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