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Topic : 08/08 Cheaters

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Created on : Friday, February 24, 2006, 11:27:05 am
Author : DrPhilBoard1

(Original Air Date: 03/01/06) What can you do if your spouse has a cheating heart? Rick’s wife, Kandice, cheated on him less than a year ago, and he suspects she's at it again. Is Rick just being paranoid, or is Kandice not telling the whole truth? Find out when Dr. Phil reveals what he caught on camera. Then, Arianna thought she had it all: a wonderful husband, two beautiful kids and a happy marriage ... until recently when the ugly truth came out in a shocking way. How did she find out about her husband's philandering? Can he learn to be faithful? Dr. Phil has strong words to set him straight. With a dark cloud of lies, deceit and infidelity hanging over a relationship, can you ever trust a cheater again? Share your thoughts, join the discussion.


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March 1, 2006, 4:57 am CST


Hi here to the boards....but an avid fan of Dr. Phil and his wife. Now on to the topic of Cheating....I have been reading over the posted comments and questions and I have my own opinion on this subject. Noone can say what they will or won't do until they have been in the situation...sure it's easy to say ZERO Tollerence and no turning back and such things but until you have been in that persons shoes and been in that relationship for umpteen years you trully do not know what you would do.  

I have some expirience here as both the cheater and the one who was cheated on. First I was cheated on several times by an ex of 2 years. Well he wouldn't call it cheating persay because he would leave me everytime he wanted to "try something new" and then come crawling back and me being young, naive and "in love" I took him back 9 times. Then I had never ever thought of cheating and couldn't. I met my husband and things were so different....I think the age difference had something to do with it....but anyway he had an ex who he still loved and cared for and she loved to play games with him. Anyway....about a year and a half into our relationship he cheated on me with her. Now I can not use this as an excuse to cheating on him...however what makes this more painful then usual is that I witnessed them with my own two eyes doing the dirty at her apartment. And what's more is I kind of confronted him and told him to leave and that I knew he had cheated on me with her. I did not tell him how I knew so therefore he lied to me and I went back to him. It took me nearly 7 more years before I told him exactly how I knew he had cheated on me that night with her. He was astonished and said I should have left him and that he didn't know how I could've seen that with my own eyes and stayed with him, I simply said because I love you.  

To make a long story short here....I held all that heartbreak and pain inside myself for many years....I can't even look at her without seeing what happened...I hold this against her still....I have forgiven him but never forgot and because of that I used it as a catalyst into my own devious behavior. I cheated on him...both physically and emotionally. I lied and told him I was going out of the state with a friend and her family to visit her brother who was in the military....instead we stayed at her house and had a huge party and the opportunity came and I took it and ran. Then with a "friend" I met online. Which was worse then the physical cheating because I was starting to have feelings for him....I have hurt him so much and we are still together.  

Because of all the pain and heartache we have gone through and been able to survive we are stronger today, and our love for each other is that much more unbreakable.So to all who say " Once a cheater always a cheater..." That's not always the case. Some do cheat just to satisfy some sick sexual need they have, some out of compulsion....some to hurt and others because they are caught up in a moment and immediatly regret what they did. ( hubby ) When he cheated with his ex she told him to stay the night and he didn't. He told her that no way could he and what they did was just wrong on so many levels and that it never should have happened and she got mad at him. Because she wanted him back and this was a game for her that needless to say she lost. Just because he cheated on me and I him does not mean it will happen again.  

There is life after cheating. There can be a happy successful marriage after infedelity. There is such a thing and finding true love after going through something so horrible. I know because while we loved each other for the first several years it wasn't until we had a truth talk and layed everything out on the table that we started to fall "in" love with each other and discover how wonderful love and marriage is and can be. 

Try to work things out but if you trully can't let go it's not going to work. As far as the show...she's lying...she may not have cheated physically with this guy ( I doubt this b/c of what she says  ) but she is emotionally. If she doesn't want to be with her husband she should leave instead of sticking around and giving him false hope and causing him more pain in the end when she decided to let go. 

Ok sorry I wrote a novel. Just wanted to share my expirience....hope it helps someone and doesn't cause too big of a wave for those who disagree with me...afterall it is only my opinion... 


March 1, 2006, 5:17 am CST

getting over it isn't easy

Quote From: trooperbug

I recently found suspicious evidence that my husband of 22 years may be cheating.... again. He moved out of our bedroom in December into the spare room, but wouldn't say why. He's been verbally abusive since last summer and I couldn't take it any more so I left to stay with friends in Dalls for two weeks after Christmas. He called every day I was away with our daughter. Go figure.The credit card bills showed parking fees at the airport and a seafood restaurant charge on Valentine's Day. He gave me nothing for Valentine's day, just wished me a happy one. The evidence I found was on the passenger side floor of my car that he's been using to drive to work. It was a small red satin heart with "I love you" on it. Neither my daughter or I had been in the car all week since Valentine's Day. It was as much as finding a love letter in his shirt pocket the way I found out about the other affair. Previously, he had conducted a cybersex affair that included phone sex with a married woman he'd met through work. He swore up and down he'd go to counselling and try hard to be a family, but we didn't finish counselling and we never learned why he conducted his affairs online in the first place. Obviously, that continues to be his problem. Now, he's been verbally abusive, angers easily and tries to blame and call me names as if he's trying to justify his infidelity. I've got his number, though. I'm so crushed that he changed so radically after the birth of our daughter 14 years ago that I hardly know this is the man I married. Although I have that image in my mind and love it, I realise now, he's not that person any more. I doubt very much that he'll get over his denial and face who and what he really is. I'm feeling the loss intensely now but I hope I can get over it so I can move on with my life. All advice on how to do that is welcome!
It's been 13 years since I saw with my own two eyes my husband sleeping with his ex. I stayed with him and we're more in love now then were ever were. I still haven't gotten over it and never will and as a result I cheated on him. But though I haven't forgotten about it I have forgiven him, and he has with me too. I still have times when I lie awake and think about what I could've done that night differently instead of just standing there looking in her window in complete shock with my jaw on the floor...and my heart in a million peices but I try to push that aside and not think about it too much or I get worked up .....instead he and I talk a lot...communication is a big key to success in marriage I believe. Now as far as a gap of how long between cheating? I am not sure how I would react if it happened again now. I do not believe that " once a cheater always a cheater" idea applies to everyone who cheats...those who have done it do so for several different reasons. Though yes it does apply to some of them. If you have the evidence in front of you though you need to ask yourself what you need to do for you. What is best for you and your daughter . If counseling didn't work the first time you could always try it again but why didn't you finish? What is both of you or him? Maybe individual counseling would work better for all over you and then transition into group therapy? Maybe speaking to if you are religious someone at church would help. Or to a close friend. Or as a therapist advised me once...write him a letter...get all your hurt, anger and emotions out on paper....and you never ever have to give it to him. Burn it, tear it up, bury it, lock it away, throw it in a river's up to you but I find that writing helps me if I can't talk to him for some reason. He may never get over his denial but you can only work on yourself and your daughter. You need to take care of you before you can take care of her. And thosee are the most important things in your life especially if he has become abusive in anyway. Best of luck with all you do in your life!!
March 1, 2006, 6:18 am CST

03/01 Cheaters

I've been married for 23 1/2yrs. to a man i thought was my soul mate. About 4 yrs ago i lost my dad, and i was having the worst time getting past the grief and my husband was so good to me during this time, so i thought. Always worrying about me day to day, and understanding i had days i didn't want to deal with issues about my loss, so he would let me have my time(so i thought). Feb. 2005 i learned by one of my children that he had been cheating and kept no secrets from our children. They (all 4 grown daughters) walked around with the guilt of not telling me their dad was cheating on their mom. When it all came out he had been with this other girl (she was 21) for nearly a year, i started questioning myself, like what did i do? what didn't i do? Things like that. When confronted he did not lie, and seemed to be very sincere about wanting to repair the damage he had caused in our marriage. We were still having some issues (i couldn't let the affair leave my thoughts) but i still trusted  him with everything i had. In November 05, i asked him to leave so we could make sure that we did want to work on things. He left and we talked things over and he wanted to make a fresh start. Once again in Feb.2006 i noticed things like he bought a new cell phone and would always go outside to talk to his "friends". So i started checking his phone for calls in and out and found a text message that simply read "So sweet but so...." when i asked him what is was about he became angry and short and told me i was over reacting. Then one night i was driving home from our daughter's house and everything hit me like "God was hitting me in the head" I busted in our bedroom door and confronted him. This time he was denying and lying, until i told him i was going to call her, then he broke down and told me he was with another woman and had strong feelings for her but still loved me. (crazy huh) I have been with this man longer than I lived with my own parents, so i am scared and would of done anything to keep him even after this, until i read Dr.Phil's topics and thoughts on cheating. Now i am scared, i have never been single and all i have ever worked for was retiring and enjoying our senior years alone. How do i still love him? How do i not have anger to him? Why am i comforting this man that has killed my soul and spirit? What in the heck do i do? I have always been the person that said "no way,  I would stay with a cheater". Some advice i gave huh? Someone tell me I'm not crazy, I'm not alone. I don't have the first clue of being single or how to even live alone. Let me say this "this post has actually helped me say thing I didn't think I could say to myself".
March 1, 2006, 6:41 am CST

Cheating on my husband

The first 10 years of our marriage, I cheated on my husband.  I have always loved him but I grew up in a house where cheating occurred regularly, and I thought that was just how married couples are.  For 3 years after I married my husband, I kept asking him did his parents beat on each other and cheat on each other and he would tell me no, but I still thought that as soon as we left the beatings started. 


I cheated so many times and we were separated 3 times, the 3rd time was for 10 months.  We got back together on our 10th anniversary when he jacked up one of the guys I was laying.  We got back together, made a "contract" between each other.  He still wanted me, and I had always loved him but I came to understand how you SHOULD treat a spouse, with respect and love. 


I have never cheated on him in the last 20 years, and we will be celebrating our 29th anniversary this August.  I finally had his child 8 years ago, and we are living the life that maybe we should have started out with, but I was incapable of giving.  I think he always hoped that I would "grow up", and he waited.   


Now that I am a good marriage partner, I constantly find myself trying to give him more of everything, like "what can I do to make my husband happier".  I should have always felt that way but now I really go out of my way.  On those days after working full time, going to college online, taking care of our daughter, cooking and cleaning, when I feel like I could just drop dead, I still have that in my mind to do a little extra on the back end of this marriage, because he did a whole lot extra on the front end. 


The other thing in my mind is that when I stand at the grave, I want to know that I have done everything I can to make my husband happy and satisfied, no regrets.  I think you can make up for things, cheating can be forgiven, but the offender has got to be so committed to making restitution!  I don't think my husband got a raw deal at all - he has a devoted wife, partner, lover, caregiver, friend, etc.  We don't think about it often, and as time goes by, it becomes a dim memory that I don't try to resurrect but have never denied.  I don't rub it in his face, and he doesn't often bring it up either.  We have moved on. 

March 1, 2006, 6:52 am CST

Whats with all the cheating?

I was only able to watch one show on this topic, and i found myself wanting to respond only to find that i couldn't even find my post on another thread.  The response to this topic is huge.  Largely because many have had experience with it and can identify with the people on the show.  Most people who have posted are angry, why?  Is it that bad out there that one can't find what they want and need?  I'm talking about a co commited relationship with a high level of respect trust and Love yes Love...  I'm seperated and almost devorsed and have been looking to start new freindships.  And the sense is that women my age are mostly jaded, suspisious, apprehensive, and the list goes on.  What has happened to our Generation?  


For people who are affraid to be alone, my generation are doomed to be alone.  Who wants to pay the price for others behaviors, I don't.  Everyone seems to be so black and white, over protective, and stuck in the past.  Perhaps a good show would be on how to heal a nation and teach us on good relationships and how to find the relationship we are looking for, and being able to navigate through a healthy relationship, in a healthy way. 


God knows I want to find Love, However I find myself saying no to a multitude of issues that I don't want to take on.  I dont need to prove myself to someone who is stuck on other peoples issues.  I'd rather be alone then have to prove myself.  And these threads just show how prevelent our own issues color our decision making process when it comes to love. 



March 1, 2006, 6:56 am CST

cheater cheater pumpkin eater

dang- this was a good show!  I liked it a lot.  I wonder if he would do a show about paranoid guys who thought their new wife was cheating because their ex wife cheated and they carried that baggage into their new relationship.  I have that problem and I would love to prove to him how true I am.  I know my guy is not guilty and putting that on me, though, hes just a pain in the tush and insecure.  i knew what i was getting into though- I live my life like an open book, like dr phil said, and that seems to help.
March 1, 2006, 6:58 am CST

Skimom4 -- What do you Need

Quote From: skimom4

Hi all-  


I'm new to the boards.  I've been married for 17 years; have 2 sons who are the loves of my life.  Once I had my sons, my husband seemed to stop being attracted to me; although he still seems interested in fulfilling his needs regularly (wow, this is so honest!).  I'm an attractive woman, in early 40's - I work out; am a size 6/8 (depending upon the week); and a business woman in a larger metro city.  


In all of my years of marriage; I have never been remotely attracted to anyone; when approached by a man; it just doesn't "happen" for me - I think of my family; my children; and usually, I just have the "I'm Married" wall all around me.  


In fact, I was always VERY quick to judge my friends who did this......  


......until December.  


After a work meeting at a restaurant; I lingered for a moment after the meeting was over; just wanted a few moments to myself where I wasn't "giving" to my job; my home; my family; my husband.  It was selfish, but just needed a minute to think.  I was about to pay the bill & leave, when a man asked if he could sit at my table.  Again in all my years of marriage I have never allowed this......until this night.  


He had a brilliant smile; was very interesting looking; and I said ok.  He is 15 years older than me.  And married.......  


Bad move.  


So, just 2 months ago, I had this "affair of the heart".  He's married.  I'm married.  I have a husband who has become like my brother; and 2 children who would never forgive me.  I got out of this relationship VERY quickly, but my heart is still there.  Am I "once a cheater always a cheater"???  I don't know.  But what I do know now, is that I certainly am not coming from the judgement seat any more.  I am in counseling, and I feel so badly that I cannot tell my husband this.  Being honest with myself; I love how the "guy" made me feel.  I had lost myself in the day to day life of motherhood; corporate world; pta meetings, and appeasing my husband on nights he is "ready to go"......  


Did I know it was a problem?  Deep inside, yes, but I figured it would pass as time went on, and my husband & I would find each other again.  But it didn't hit me until this guy held my hand that night, then leaned in to kiss me.  And I let him kiss me.  My husband would be sooooo hurt.  I feel so terribly.  I thought part of me had died - the part that "felt" these things.  Truly, and I thought it was normal that this just dies when you have children.  But I learned that night it didn't.  


I haven't told my husband, or anyone until now about this, except my new therapist (and now all of you).  I miss the way this "guy" made me feel; but I know he is not someone I want to be with.  I'm scared by my feelings; but in every way, feel that I am just as selfish & guilty.    


I don't know what to do.  I'm hoping the show on Wednesday will help....... I will be at work, but will check the website that night to see what happened.  


Sorry to enter the boards on such a disruptive note; but I'm certain I'm not alone in my feelings; and I really don't know what to do.....  


I guess for me, the bottom line is that in my entire life; I lived in judgement of others who did exactly what I did that night.  Now I'm the one being "judged".  I'm deeply humbled, my heart is a bit broken, and now I feel that I have this deep dark secret in there that my mind won't forget.  


Thanks for e-listening. I'm open to your thoughts-  


You are articulate, educated, accomplished, proud of your appearance -- yet you aren't getting what you NEED from your mate.  You said your husband "stopped being attracted to me," after you had children.  Did you come right out and ask him if this was true, or did you assume it b/c of how YOU feel/felt?   


I believe men and women seek intimacy outside of marriage  for mostly the same reason --  validation that they're desireable, sexy creatures.  For women though, a mere emotional connection can serve the same purpose, and when it reaches the physical, the woman acts based on her feelings towards the guy.  Please don't go in the "generalizations" direction.  I'm making a point for Skimom4. 


The critical statement you made is:  I miss the way this guy made me feel.   

Affairs occur, I think, b/c It's 99% of how someone makes us feel.  You want your spouse to make you feel that way, I'm sure.  And please understand, you're not alone in having this happen.  You're not being selfish.  What you are doing, is short-changing yourself by not communicating with your spouse.  There could be lots of reasons for his diminished interest in sex, other than you giving birth.   

You also said your sons are the loves of your life.  Perhaps your husband quit feeling like a priority in your life, and that you've been consumed by motherhood devotion.  Remember, you and he and God made those children.  When they are adults and moving onto their lives, you will be alone with your husband -- the man who started out being the love of your life 17 years ago. 


Your counselor should be advising you to communicate with him, or seeking counseling together.  I never ceases to amaze me that communication between men and women is like a train wreck.  Please express yourself to the man you married.  What will it cost you?  Why are you afraid?   


Good luck. 



March 1, 2006, 6:59 am CST


Rick leave her now! she is not sorry at all   and can't wait to get back to her lover. The most important thing now is your children and you. I f you stay I promise you you children will pay, I know from experience. Emotionally they will suffer  , as well as yourself. 







March 1, 2006, 7:00 am CST


Quote From: expression

 I divorced my first H,22 yrs ago over his infidelities. I saw the world as very black and white,cut and dried back it was all very "HOW COULD YOU?!!" lol,I found out,I packed the kids up and we left,never doubted it was the only thing to do.

I've since discovered (after leaving my heretofore protected bubble  of a life,lol) that the real world is full of grays and multi colored kaliedescopes,no one is perfect ...least of all ME,lol.  Even so,while I may have matured to the point of being able to understand people face temptations everyday,and that  even the best of us can fall sometimes....I still have "zero tolerance" on the issue of INFIDELITY.  I've never cheated on a partner. If I am unhappy I tell them,if it can't be worked out I leave them...but I WILL NOT cheat on them.

It may sound funny considering that hard line I have on infidelity,but I can actually  understand how  it could happen,and can even find it in my heart to forgive. Forgetting on the other hand,I know me well enough to say,can't do it.   It would still definitely be the death knell of the romantic end of any relationship..........I'm just grown up enough now not to run you over with a buick,LOL.
lol thats cute and so true:]
March 1, 2006, 7:01 am CST


leaving is hard, especially if you've been together awhile. but i guarantee, if you can force yourself to leave without every looking back, you are in effect demanding better for yourself, and better will come. it's the leaving-and-not-looking-back that's so hard. but just at first. if you stay, you're just stuck. if you suspect there's someone better, there IS. if you demand better you'll get it. i know it'd be hard, but i'd leave both cheaters on todays show. i could never get over what had happened & you can't stay with someone unless you KNOW you could get over it 100%. but i don't think either of the two betrayed people from today will leave. they're too wrapped up in it & they don't strike me as especially strong like that. i hope i'm wrong.
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