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Topic : 06/28 Family Troublemakers

Number of Replies: 197
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Created on : Friday, February 10, 2006, 12:50:54 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1

(Original Air Date: 02/17) Too many of us have a relative who stirs the pot. Meet a family who feels held captive by their youngest daughter, Marcie. Russ and Cheryl say every day is tension-filled because Marcie's "Jekyll and Hyde" outbursts have them living on the edge. Russ and his oldest daughter, Carrie, issue Marcie an ultimatum. Then, Amy and Leesa believe their mother, Myra, is the quintessential "drama queen." They say her overbearing behavior and sharp tongue make family gatherings a living hell! Find out the New Year's resolution Myra made that rubbed her daughters the wrong way. Talk about the show here.

 

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February 17, 2006, 5:39 pm CST

Marcie is a brat

Like many kids I see today, Marcie has a sense of entitlement that she pukes all over her family.   I have a 22 yr old daughter that did that too and guess what, I turned her off for a while.  A few months later she is a lot more thoughtful in her response to me.  Not hearing from me on her birthday or Christmas did the trick. I love her but I don't have to be a doormat for anyone.  Marcie is old enough to go live somewhere else if she doesn't want to respect the feelings of her family.  Thow her butt to the curb and let's see how stupid her family seems then.  I'm embarrassed for her.  She's just spoiled.
 
February 17, 2006, 5:53 pm CST

Judgmental Family

I have a brother who's abused drugs for his whole adult life - and I understand.  I have an uncle who's drunk himself silly - and I understand.  I have a sister who is spoiled - and I understand.  I have a cousin who got pregnant - and I understand.  I have a mother who married at 16 to have me - and I understand.  I have a dad who divorced my mom when I was 6 - and I understand.  I have a brother who's girlfriend died suddenly - and I understand.  I have an uncle and aunt who's marriage isn't the best - I understand.  I am divorced - and we both understand.  But now when I'm in such a state in my life, no one is there for me.  What happened to my family and the support I thought I was entitled to by being a family member?  I have literally been sitting alone in my own dispare for nearly 8 months now with a family who seems to have judged me and have literally left me.  Question:  How much consideration should another family member give to another before they give up on you?  Answer = they should never give up on you.
 
February 17, 2006, 5:59 pm CST

Yikes...Myra!

I was shocked by today's show (and I watch every day).  Myra is downright scary!  I don't know what caused her to be so bitter and unhappy...that was not brought out, but when she said that 2006 was going to be Myra's year and Dr. Phil said that was the same for pretty much every year! Wow! If she had said that to me and I were as frustrated as her two daughters, I think I might have said Okay have it your way, backed off ENTIRELY and given her that year all to herself to see how she likes it.  Maybe with some distance, LONELINESS and time to think about things she'd realize that the ATTITUDE had to go.  I hope that the counseling offered helps this woman!   

           Dr Phil: How do people become like Myra???? What causes this kind of bitterness? 

           I am blessed to have come from a loving family, so I can only guess at what I'd do.  All for now.  

 
February 17, 2006, 6:00 pm CST

She is soo Spoiled

I cannot beleive the way she treats her family , life is so different these days , kids can walk all over you and their is nothing you can do , you can take things away but they say oh well.. I would be so grateful to have parents like her's. She cannot use her mom's past as an excuse for the awful things she has done to her family. Her parents need to let her go and say you know what your how old it's time to move out starting living the real world maybe then her eyes will open up. She gotten to many things handed down to her time  for her to act her age.
 
February 17, 2006, 6:32 pm CST

Maintain the relationship or not?

Quote From: kimputing

I too was looking for ways to handle the 'relationship' with my mother. I'm with the others here have said, "that could have been my family on the show today!" I first began my interest in this website because I was looking for answers to this type of family situation. My research on this site last year led me to believe that my mother is most certainly a passive-aggressive individual who will always argue - just to be right and in charge. It's been about a year now since I stopped reacting to her. I am so grateful that we do not live near each other as we're 8 hours by car. I used to call her once a week, now I call once a month and let her say what she wants and do my very best to answer any of her questions in a manner that won't anger her. The sadness of having a mother who is this type of person is so hard to live with. To survive my own emotions, I try to imagine that the mother I want is dead and the mother I actually have is a distant friend or relative. It helps me emotionally. Instead of dwelling on her and what could or should be, I dwell on how I can be the best mother I am capable of being to my own children. I can either be like my mother or learn from my mother. I choose the latter. 

  

Our 'fights' have stopped because I have refused to let them start, as Dr. Phil suggested today. Yet, nothing else whatsoever has changed. She still lacks the self-motivation to acknowledge our birthdays on time, or sometimes even at all. She has 7 great-grandchildren. The oldest is 8 and not one of them has a memory of her because she does not send cards, call, visit, or in any other way, shape, or form, or acknowledge their existence for one pitiful excuse after another. Everything from: she can't afford it (yet she travels to visit her sisters), she's sick, she's working so hard, etc. etc. After reading about passive-aggressives, I can see that this type of behavior will never change unless something happens to her someday that causes her to acknowledge her true self. 

  

Is there any sort of 'pattern', such as passive-aggressive mothers, that tends to run in families with the type of behavior we saw on this show? Even Dr. Phil wouldn't or couldn't decide who was at fault. If those families are fortunate, the counseling they will receive will reveal problematic personality issues, but where does that leave the audience? I think the main message was to disengage rather than fight, which is great and definitely helpful, but what next? Whoever really is at fault - their behavior still continues and both conversations and family events remain something to be tolerated, not something that's enjoyed. 

  

My oldest granddaughter actually thought her great-grandmother was dead since she has no mmory of her. Not knowing what else to say, I told her that her my mother is very, very sick and that's why she doesn't hear from her. My mother is so accustomed to her self-pity and excuses, as if life is hard only to her and her sisters, that like one of the mothers on the show, she doesn't comprehend it when she is told that a friend or relative (other that her sisters) are very ill. Then she's shocked when they've died of cancer or some other serious thing has happened and gets all the colder towards us because she actually believes she hasn't been told or else she would have been more understanding or compasionate.  

  

Unfortunately, I also have a daughter-in-law with the same personality type as my mother. Everyone zips their mouth shut because she'll blow her top and even threaten never to visit again. My mother told me last year that she'll never visit us again and as mentioned, already has never visited her grandchildren or great-grandchildren, of course not on purpose - she promises to someday... So how do we learn not only to not argue with these types of individuals, but also not to enable? Especially when the result seems to be that the other individuals tell you to accept them and their personalities the way they are or else they'll have nothing to do with you? They're family! 

  

Is this when you DO say, oh well, on with my life and never mind them? What message does that send to the younger generations? Personally, I visit every other year and call once a month. My thinking is that the younger generations will see firsthand that there are all types of people on this earth and that we can't change them all and make them into caring individuals, but we can still love them, tolerate them, and move on with our lives. Any other ideas out there? 

I agree with all of your thinking. However, teaching our children to have nothing to do with someone isn't a good lesson, either. I was going to cut things off completely, but ran into another situation. My children are all grown, but when I don't call my mom in a while, she suddenly gets a partial conscience and calls my youngest daughter on the phone. What she unloads on her is not worth repeating. Although my daughter knows me better, as on stage in this episode, it boils down to 'he said, she said', and raises doubt in my daughter's mind about my actions. My mother makes my daughter feel so sorry for her that she thinks I'm horrid if I'm not compassionate. So if I call every month and visit every couple of years, I am able to tell my family (when they ask), how their grandmother is doing and since I've finally reached a point that I can tolerate and 'handle' my mother, it's better that I maintain the contact that I do. Then she leaves the rest of my family alone. 

  

Very few children are willing to fully believe that the 'offending' family member is truly so bad that there should be no contact. It would be fantastic if Dr. Phil did a show about how to address that issue with children. Children simply don't believe people are that evil, especially a close blood relative. I think they would handle it in a way similar to that of an adopted child and want to meet that relative when they get older to learn for themselves. Then they'll hear stories of that person's version of things which is certainly not good. A distant relationship keeps me a bit more in control, at least under the particular set of circumstances I'm facing. I think the answer may lie in the personality type of the person involved. 

  

Still wanting a show on people who may have different stories to tell about having an 'excommunicated' family member for many years, or better yet, for those who did what Dr. Phil said and learned to refrain from arguing, but still tolerate the intolerable. 

 
February 17, 2006, 6:35 pm CST

Whoa! Angry Mom!

Seeing Myra today on the show tonight. I thought I was seeing my own mother on TV.  I really do hope Myra gets her issues solved because I know my own mom would not even acknowlage if she had any problems. Eventhough she is one of the ones at fault I am proud of her for going to the show to seek help.  I only hope that her and her daughter's can find the peace in the family that they seek.

What Dr.Phil said to Lisa and Amy was exactly what I was told to by my docter when with the similar situation with my mother. Only my mother does not think there is anythign wrong with her, but I digress. I just wish my mother had the guts to go on the show like Myra did.

I really worry about her sometimes. I know I have help but what about her?

I wish Myra and her daughters, Lisa and Amy, well i hope they get the relationship they want.
To Lisa and Amy, try to handle every negative situation with humor, it has certinly kept me in good spirits theses past few months. 

P.S...Im really not sure of what I am alowed to say of what I just wrote.  I have never done this sort of thing befor.  I don't mean any thing bad against anyone, I just wanted to share my thoughts. I was really nervious about posting.

 
February 17, 2006, 6:41 pm CST

My daughter's worst enemy

This past week has been hellacious. I have finally admitted to myself and those around me that I am my daughter's worst enemy. There isn't anything I can add to what the show and Dr. Phil said. I have accepted her abuse, I have stepped between her and her father (the focus of most of her vindictiveness), I have financed her, given her about everything possible that I could. I have put a down payment on her car, and accepted her not paying the car payments while she allegedly paid off her credit cards. I have paid for one year of very expensive college, which she has now chosen to walk away from. Last week she moved 1100 miles away, to live with her brother. She lasted two days at her new job before calling me and telling me that she hated it, hated the people and she was going to get her job back here. The hardest thing I have ever done was tell her "no" when she assumed she would be moving back home. 

  

My children know that if they are at the bottom, with no resources and no safety, they can recuperate here for awhile. I fear that my daughter (much younger than her siblings) does not have the tools needed to learn how to succeed, to move beyond the hatred and fear that she filters her life through. She spent three days in a mental facility three weeks ago on a suicide watch. When she was released, it was with orders to attend counseling, orders that she feels are ridiculous and unneeded.  Instead, she continued with her plans to move.  She is a month shy of 21 years of age--legally my hands are tied. That was the one caveat I offered to her for coming back home...if she could get her job back, she would attend counseling at least twice a week or as directed by a family counselor who is very insightful and respected. Her response was peppered with f*ings, bottom line was, "I am never coming back to live with you people again." 

  

I have had to step back, knowing that this situation may end very badly. I pray that it won't, that somewhere and somehow, she will seek the guidance and structure she needs. I also pray that sometime in the future, she will recognize that her parents are human, doing the best we can with what we have. To her, it's simply not enough. 

 
February 17, 2006, 6:41 pm CST

I just looked into my future

Today's show was absolutly scary for me. I love my 10 year old daught more then anything in the world but my God todays show showed me what i'm headed for 10 years from now. I've tried everything from taking away her toys, games, fun times with friends, nothing is working. All I get is yelling and screaming. Does anyone out there have any advice before I have to apply to the show in 10 years. I don't want to loose my little girl to being unrespectful, uncaring, dishonest, and just a down right B---. 

 
February 17, 2006, 6:45 pm CST

Sometimes you have to give up

My mom grew up with a mother that was a HUGE troublemaker. I am grateful that my mother learned that she couldn't be around her mother any more and just had to give up even speaking to her mother. It seems harsh, but when you mother holds a knife to you because you fight back or threatens to send you to a mental institution, then it's time to leave the fight and be happy with the family that you do have.  

 
February 17, 2006, 6:49 pm CST

You would be surprised

Quote From: plhatton

I was shocked by today's show (and I watch every day).  Myra is downright scary!  I don't know what caused her to be so bitter and unhappy...that was not brought out, but when she said that 2006 was going to be Myra's year and Dr. Phil said that was the same for pretty much every year! Wow! If she had said that to me and I were as frustrated as her two daughters, I think I might have said Okay have it your way, backed off ENTIRELY and given her that year all to herself to see how she likes it.  Maybe with some distance, LONELINESS and time to think about things she'd realize that the ATTITUDE had to go.  I hope that the counseling offered helps this woman!   

           Dr Phil: How do people become like Myra???? What causes this kind of bitterness? 

           I am blessed to have come from a loving family, so I can only guess at what I'd do.  All for now.  

My father is exactly the same way. It's his way or the highway. I could give you some stories that would make your toes curl. And I have tried to use the "Well I'll give him time to think about what he's doing" senario, doesn't work, still as spiteful as ever, even after the death of my mother. Nothing will ever change. I am so glad that you had a wonderful family life, but jealous as well. Everyone in this world should have the same experience. 

 
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