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Topic : 06/28 Family Troublemakers

Number of Replies: 197
New Messages This Week: 0
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Created on : Friday, February 10, 2006, 12:50:54 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1

(Original Air Date: 02/17) Too many of us have a relative who stirs the pot. Meet a family who feels held captive by their youngest daughter, Marcie. Russ and Cheryl say every day is tension-filled because Marcie's "Jekyll and Hyde" outbursts have them living on the edge. Russ and his oldest daughter, Carrie, issue Marcie an ultimatum. Then, Amy and Leesa believe their mother, Myra, is the quintessential "drama queen." They say her overbearing behavior and sharp tongue make family gatherings a living hell! Find out the New Year's resolution Myra made that rubbed her daughters the wrong way. Talk about the show here.

 

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February 17, 2006, 2:54 pm CST

This is where I am ... hope it helps you.

Quote From: wyohos

That family was either on their best behavior or not even close to as horrible as my in-laws are. And at least they all cared enough about each other to show up and go on tv with it. My husband and I have tried more than once to get the family together to talk things over....and no one even shows up. We have tried one on one meetings, and again, no one shows. They just want to tell everyone they run accross how horrible I am and what a looser I am and how our marriage is never going to last. I think this show may have helped some people, but I think Dr. Phil needs to do a show with people who's family members behave that way (or worse) and will not come to the table and try to work it out. How do you explain to a child why grandma, grandpa and the aunties hate mommy? What about hollidays or family get togethers? Do you go and try to be part of the family and be involved, and go home feeling worse for having attended? What if you would rather not? At what point is it OK to protect yourself and your feelings and our children and just not have any contact with those people? 

I can understand what you are going through.  I used to love the Holidays, and now I fear them.  My husband and I have distanced ourselves from his family in hopes of healing ourselves.  We have heard the insults, judgements and the lies enough.   

  

MIL and SIL have been the instigators, and now with their lies in order to cover up previous lies, they have FIL and BIL jumping right in the mess.  We have heard the "excuses" that they think justify in some sick way their behaviors and words.  Well, enough is enough.  We have been threatened, lied to, talked about sworn at, insulted, and bullied more than we can handle.  There is a line that they crossed.  I could never believe the words that come from them.  My husband must have been hard wired differently, b/c he is NOTHING like his family.  It was impossible to have a conversation with them.  You cannot have a conversation with an unreasonable person.  I really don't think they know the difference from their lies, and what is the truth. They cannot even see that the words have consequences, or  even CARE that what they have done has hurt people.  It has really spiralled out of control once we stood up for ourselves, and said you cannot treat us this way.  Perhaps you are lucky your inlaws didn't show.  Hopefully that is a sign they at least have some amount of acknowledgement for what they have been up to. 

  

I do know that I am lucky to have a husband like I do.  When SIL said terrible things to him about me, he really knew we were doing the right thing.  I guess that is their "las straw".  The threats and Bible beatings didn't make him accept their behaviors, so they tried to show him what a terrible person I was.  No son or brother would ever stand up for themselves, so I must be brainwashing him.  I don't know what the aim of that was, but it really show my husband that distance IS a good thing.  It all seems to be a cycle that they dont want anyone to break. 

  

And some people will unfortunately WANT to see you FAIL, and as sick as that is, they deffinately DON'T want to see you HAPPY.  I have seen a lot of that. 

  

As often as this happens, there should be some type of national support group.  We can share our experiances and help one another.  I know it would be cheaper than our therapist!  :-)  I don know the books TOXIC INLAWS, and HOW TO HUG A PORCUPINE, THE DANCE OF ANGER and also EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL have helped me.  I know my family is NOTHING like this, and these books helped me to understand more about my in-laws. 

  

Good luck to you! 

 
February 17, 2006, 2:57 pm CST

Life is short

It did not seem that the people in both discussions were willing to get their problems solved, it seemed that they wanted to talk and be heard and be right.  

Whatever happened to "Honor thy father and thy mother... It did not say if they were right or wrong.  But...if you can't talk and get the issues solved then stay apart. 

  

People forget that are supposed to love each other and they forget that "Love is never having to say you're sorry". 

 
February 17, 2006, 3:13 pm CST

Advice of COncern

The remark that to end fighting - Just refuse to participate - I find weak as the person seeking the conflict will often escalate the pressure  until a fight does break out. Yes it is a choice but I think you should have added that stating that you can refuse to cooperate and if it escalates simply excuse yourself and go elsewhere while things cool. I have seen this interaction and it does occur. Overall I greatly like Dr. Phil's approach  and as an expert in deception I find statement analysis very useful in watching the show.


 
February 17, 2006, 3:15 pm CST

you have a point

Quote From: Mandylionn

  

        There were not excatly willing too listen, they'll carry on, can't see the one daughter changing at all, she doesn't shut-up long enough too listen!   

I know Marcie was hurt by various things that happened in her family, but I too felt that she was not even willing to listen to what anyone, including Dr. Phil had to say.  She interrupted nearly every sentence that anyone else was speaking.  I hope that for the whole family's sake that they can get help AND  LISTEN to eachother so that the sessions are productive.  Meanwhile the parents need to stop enabling the disrespect....even though Marcie was hurt by her parents in the past, she is now an adult and needs to act like one.
 
February 17, 2006, 3:15 pm CST

mother

                                        I wanted Dr.Phil to yell more at that second controlling mother w/ the two daughters. Why do they even bother w/ that whiny, complaining drama queen? Because she's their "Mom"?? She herself said she wished she would have never had children ,,,if that isnt nasty enough to stop talking to her than what is.
 
February 17, 2006, 3:15 pm CST

How Sad

Quote From: rdslots

 I have lived under the assumption for years that my family was/is the only dysfunctional one.  The previews were scary because that could soooooo easily have been my mother on the screen.  The worst thing I recall mine telling one of us was,  "you should've been one that went down the toilet."  We grew up fully aware of several miscarriages between the births of the three of us.  I never realized, until I had a child of my own, just how vicious my mother is.  I would sooner cut my tongue out before I'd say such a thing to my daughter.

I hope that life shines beauty, serenity, love and happiness upon you and your siblings.  Remember it's not you never was............it's her ........... 

Chin up, 

  

fredi 

 
February 17, 2006, 3:16 pm CST

It does work

Wow, did Dr. Phil evoke old memories.  I had an aunt who was an expert family troublemaker.  My sister and I decided we would not have that in our branch of the family, distanced ourselves from her poison and learned how not to fight.  We did just what Dr. Phil recommended.  Sometimes you have to walk away or 'turn off your ears' but if a troublemaker is ignored all the drama and adrenalin the troublemaker enjoys is turned off too.  It seemed my aunt was jealous of everyone else's joy and tried to destroy it, even with her own kids.  Now that I am more mature I realize she must have been a miserable human within herself. 

 
February 17, 2006, 3:31 pm CST

Family Trouble Makers

Quote From: clhuber72

I can understand what you are going through.  I used to love the Holidays, and now I fear them.  My husband and I have distanced ourselves from his family in hopes of healing ourselves.  We have heard the insults, judgements and the lies enough.   

  

MIL and SIL have been the instigators, and now with their lies in order to cover up previous lies, they have FIL and BIL jumping right in the mess.  We have heard the "excuses" that they think justify in some sick way their behaviors and words.  Well, enough is enough.  We have been threatened, lied to, talked about sworn at, insulted, and bullied more than we can handle.  There is a line that they crossed.  I could never believe the words that come from them.  My husband must have been hard wired differently, b/c he is NOTHING like his family.  It was impossible to have a conversation with them.  You cannot have a conversation with an unreasonable person.  I really don't think they know the difference from their lies, and what is the truth. They cannot even see that the words have consequences, or  even CARE that what they have done has hurt people.  It has really spiralled out of control once we stood up for ourselves, and said you cannot treat us this way.  Perhaps you are lucky your inlaws didn't show.  Hopefully that is a sign they at least have some amount of acknowledgement for what they have been up to. 

  

I do know that I am lucky to have a husband like I do.  When SIL said terrible things to him about me, he really knew we were doing the right thing.  I guess that is their "las straw".  The threats and Bible beatings didn't make him accept their behaviors, so they tried to show him what a terrible person I was.  No son or brother would ever stand up for themselves, so I must be brainwashing him.  I don't know what the aim of that was, but it really show my husband that distance IS a good thing.  It all seems to be a cycle that they dont want anyone to break. 

  

And some people will unfortunately WANT to see you FAIL, and as sick as that is, they deffinately DON'T want to see you HAPPY.  I have seen a lot of that. 

  

As often as this happens, there should be some type of national support group.  We can share our experiances and help one another.  I know it would be cheaper than our therapist!  :-)  I don know the books TOXIC INLAWS, and HOW TO HUG A PORCUPINE, THE DANCE OF ANGER and also EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL have helped me.  I know my family is NOTHING like this, and these books helped me to understand more about my in-laws. 

  

Good luck to you! 

Be glad that you see his family. I have had problems with my sons and do not see them at all for the holidays. I miss them, but they do not want to talk to us about anything.
 
February 17, 2006, 3:33 pm CST

Rejoice in the Rejection

How? Wow, where to start! My mother is three times worse than the one on the show...and she admits it! Everyone in our family is intimidated by her, including her third husband. I've been the primary target of her rage since I was a little girl and she abandoned me. Even after our reunion, she's gone through phases of not speaking to me for years at a time. We're on the two-year mark of her latest rage episode now.  You can overcome!
 
February 17, 2006, 3:36 pm CST

I totally understand Amy and Leesa

I totally understand where Amy and Leesa are coming from. I have a mother who loves to start trouble by calling each of my brothers and telling each one of us a different story.  My mother does not know where the truth ends and the lies begin.  Due to the fact that I'm the only family member living near them, I usually get the brunt of the problems and my life seems to be an open book for the entire rest of the family.  I liked Dr. Phils advice to just disengage. After last thanksgiving, when my mother told me in front of our family "she wished she could kill me or I would just die" I did just that. I have finally made the decision to not enable her to continue to treat me this way. It has been a long couple of months, but I believe she is finally getting the picture, and things are hopefully going to be settling down for good soon. 

  

  

 
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