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Topic : 06/28 Family Troublemakers

Number of Replies: 197
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Created on : Friday, February 10, 2006, 12:50:54 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1

(Original Air Date: 02/17) Too many of us have a relative who stirs the pot. Meet a family who feels held captive by their youngest daughter, Marcie. Russ and Cheryl say every day is tension-filled because Marcie's "Jekyll and Hyde" outbursts have them living on the edge. Russ and his oldest daughter, Carrie, issue Marcie an ultimatum. Then, Amy and Leesa believe their mother, Myra, is the quintessential "drama queen." They say her overbearing behavior and sharp tongue make family gatherings a living hell! Find out the New Year's resolution Myra made that rubbed her daughters the wrong way. Talk about the show here.

 

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February 17, 2006, 2:00 pm CST

02/17 Family Troublemakers

I absolutely admire Dr. Phil and his expertise, and the advice given today, was as always, exactly on point.  The second family on today's show was almost a carbon copy of my situation with my biological mom  I would have to disagree with one half of Dr. Phil's conclusion (for the first time ever) regarding the daughter who's married to the "bastard".  Dr. Phill suggested that if mom asks "where's the s.o.b" for the daughter to just say "oh, he's out in the car".  A better response would be to "ignore" the comment.  It is still about teaching people how to treat you (as Dr. Phil stated).  A mom like that will sure enough through the comment right back in daughters face because in moms opinion, the daughter is "agreeing" with the comment, which further feeds moms disease.  How do I have such insight one might ask...  

  

My brother and I were raised by our now deceased grandparents.  My mother lived on the other side of town and would come to visit.  I literally sat back and watched her chose to be very active in my brothers life, and everyone knew how much she adored him because they resembled one another.  My grandparents were "mama & daddy" and as they did better, they shared the love and spoiled my brother and me.  My mother grew resentful of this and has hated me since the day I was born.  She chose to pour her love into my brother, who was recently murdered.  She is a "NARCISSIST" and is incapable of loving me or anyone else.  She is a recent widow and I'm concerned about her, to a certain extent.  She has never had a reason to look at herself in the "mirror of life" and will swallow a bottle of pills, or blow her brains out before ever taking the steps necessary to heal herself and the remaining loved ones she has.  I have so much wisdom from God in dealing with this that she or her words can never hurt me again.  She tries constantly to hurt me, even loses sleep over plotting to hurt me, but ignoring her let's her, deal with her own miserable self! 

 
February 17, 2006, 2:01 pm CST

Thanks

Quote From: girls2mom

I have a daughter who is 14 and until a year ago, we woke up everyday wondering what her mood would be...she would get so angry at the smallest things, hit her older sister, slam doors,  use extremely foul and unacceptable language,clear the tops of tables breaking things and even banging up my car with a bat.  I took her to an intake program at the hospital and started to get her help.  She was suffering from depression and anxiety...we got counseling and put her on medication-Lexapro.  then a few  months later I had a full academic profile done on her and found out that she also is ADD and she started medication for that.  At first I felt bad having her on this medication, but she is now the most delightful 14 year old, she is normal and has her moments, but nothing extreme and went from being on academic probation to having a GPA of 3.2. I tell more people my story because I think people are embarrassed about family members who act like this but if you keep with them and find the right help....there is hope.
From all of us whose parents would rather just identify us as "bad children" than try to find out what is going on and why we were so out of control, I say THANK YOU. It takes lots of courage for a mother to take the steps you did and your daughter will be so much better off because of you.
 
February 17, 2006, 2:05 pm CST

Leesa's mother

This is  in regards to Leesa's mother... To be honest, that ladys affect was all wrong, she came across as the coldest person Ive ever seen on any talk show.  Now I dont know if she is depressed but something is VERY WRONG THERE. In fact she seemed to have no emotions, looks totally shut down and I can see how the daughters have a total inability to communicate with her.

 I think if things are that bad a time of seperation may be in order. Dont take abuse. I think it is terrible that the mother actually made comments about the unmarried daughter being overweight when she is more so herself and telling her she will never get a husband.

 I actually wonder if these girls had faced some sort of serious emotional abuse, judging by the mother's personality protrayed on this show. There they  were at the end of the show both crying and their mother sits their stone faced. Im sorry but the lady just looking at her gave me the willies. I hope I am wrong and she was just camera shy or something else, but I think the main gist of the problem may lay with something with her. The daughters seemed liked warm hearted sincere young women. I think if someone is making you feel badly about yourself and telling you F you to your face, then it may be time to walk no matter who they are.  Honor your mother doesnt mean take abuse. I would still keep in contact but reduce it and  I wouldnt be going looking for warmth and love in a place where their really doesnt seem to be any. That lady should be happy she has two healthy grown-up adult daughters and be thankful, not everyone is so fortunate.
 
February 17, 2006, 2:08 pm CST

02/17 Family Troublemakers

Quote From: magnolia22

i love dr. phil, but i don' t think he really gets it in this case. 

  

these parents are not taking responsibility for the abuse of their children. 

  

as adults this manifests as rage and defensiveness. these parents are clearly in denial and the only way for these girls to be happy is to be far far away and disconnect from their families.  

you can't just "smooth over" or "get over" abusive relationships and i don't think dr. phil would EVER suggest that for other guests. that's a ludicrous suggestion. 

  

the truth is that these daughters are tied to their families because they are trying to resolve what went wrong in their pasts, but they need to realize these parents will not do the work that's needed to mend it.  so the only option is to forget having a relationship with their family and focus on being the wonderful, loving, intelligent women they can never be with hateful family environments. 

 I think that is the best bet too.

They need to leave and walk.

I know somebody who left home at the age of 21, to stop severe verbal and emotional abuse, she is in contact with her family today, but it was something that had to be done for her own sanity, cutting ties for two entire years.

I think that is what these women especially the last two should do.


 
February 17, 2006, 2:10 pm CST

02/17 Family Troublemakers

Quote From: donnelly

You should be ashamed of yourself for posting this publicly.   

  

That being said, Dr. Phil will probably agree with you.   

  

She may not be able to pinpoint the problems she has with you because they are so deep-seeded, and also because you have clearly shown yourself to be one of the many people that need blame to be the answer for problems.  Let your child grow, and try on a little UNCONDITIONAL LOVE for a change! 

Some people chose not to love unconditionally and chose to love conditionally
 
February 17, 2006, 2:11 pm CST

02/17 Family Troublemakers

Quote From: joy_faith

I was watching this segment of the show today and my heart went out to Marcie like no one else I have ever seen on the show. I know what it is like to be in a REALLY messed up family and be the only one with an aggressive personality and YOU are the one who is villified. While Marcie's family focussed on her bad behaviour and words, by their silence they wanted to imply that her deeds were created in a vacuum and that the family did not contribute in any way to her anger and frustration. Her words and actions, while inappropriate, were exhibited to everyone as evidence to all the show's watchers of how horrible their daughter is and how wonderful the rest of the family is for putting up with such a "bad" person. While Dr. Phil was repremanding Marcie, I saw pain, humiliation and helplessness in her face and a savage joy and vindication on her mother's. From a young age when my parents had frustrations in their life instead of dealing with the emotions in an appropriate manner it was easier for them to needle me (sometimes for days) until I would eventually lash out in pain. When I lashed out that created an opportunity for them to dump all of the emotional garbage they were feeling into a fight with me. At the end of that fight, all of the emotions that had been bothering them before were now lessened but I felt horrible for saying those things to them but also very helpless and confused because it was difficult to explain to them how exactly they were using me as an emotional punching bag. What intensified those feelings is that the emotional garbage that had been dumped on me was from the very people who were supposed to nurture and support me. When I tried to talk about my experience on what was happening, my parents would mention how much money they were spending on me as if that made it OK for them to dump on me. Because I was so unhappy at what was happening, I eventually went and sought profesional help and I was able to find better ways to deal with the frustrations and emotions. It was (and still is) a long and painful process and there have been many setbacks along the way but it has been worth it. I no longer view myself as the "bad" person in my family but instead have been able to define myself as more what I have always wanted me to be. A loving, caring person. PS - Marcie, I found that moving out of my parents sphere of influence (ie, their home) and staying financially independant was one of the best things I ever did for myself.
 This disturbed me too. The mother's look of vindication on her face while Dr Phil was turning to her daughter were very scary to me. I didnt like how Marcie was blamed for it all. No one is that upset in a vaccumn. I do think Marcie is driven to succeed and is under a lot of academic pressure--double major? {dental school} I dont like it too when Dr. Phil gets down on people in their early 20s, acting like they all should have great jobs and not be dependent at all on their parents. College does lead to extended dependence and he is not realistic about what it takes to live on nowadays. I believe that the parents resent the money they have given for their daughters education and she has been now made into a scapegoat. They use the money to abuse her. and like you, your parents would mention how much money they were spending, like that gave them permission to be rude. Marcie is probably holding on for the sake of her future, feeling trapped.
 
February 17, 2006, 2:16 pm CST

Mom troublemakers

Quote From: Mandylionn

  

        There were not excatly willing too listen, they'll carry on, can't see the one daughter changing at all, she doesn't shut-up long enough too listen!   

Actually, I thought I was seeing myself, my brother and my mom on that show!!!!!!  When my oldest was about 5 and I saw how she was beginning to react to my mom (my mom treated my daughter as aweful as she treated me and I was "reacting" so my daughter soon followed suit).   

  

My father passed away when I was 20, and I can remember when I was a little girl sitting on his lap asking why mom was the way she was . ..and he would reply, Honey, you mother has a problem she can't fix" . . ..so I grew up with that reply. . . . 

  

Once my daughter starting reacting to my mom, I made a choice . . ..I could either let it continue and be an angry bitter person like her, or I could let it go in one ear, out the other and not REACT TO IT.  I chose to no longer react and now I laugh when she says mean and hurtful things and she'll laugh as well, not realizing what just came out of her mouth.   .. 

  

Problem in , my brother is now married with children and he just can't take her at all and his wife is beginning to get mean to my mom as well?????  My brother will just not let things slide . .he always has to have the last word . . . .. 

  

The best advice Dr. Phil said, "I am done arguing with you, you can argue with yourself" and "I will not react to you anymore". . .. .... 

  

  

 
February 17, 2006, 2:18 pm CST

Thriving on drama

I have found in my experience that family members who thrive on drama tend to have control issues. They can't handle life unless they're in charge or they're in control of everyone else in their lives. They have to be center stage at all times. 

  

A member of my own family is like this, although things have improved in recent years. I honestly think because she's been unhappy with her weight for years, she's felt the need to control everything around her.  

  

In the past, I have avoided driving a car with her in it because she would pick my driving apart. The minute she got in the car, she would start fanning herself dramatically and claim she was "burning up" and would crank up the AC full blast. She couldn't just ask me to turn on the AC. If I went shopping with her, I couldn't go looking at anything in another part of a store. I had to be at her side at all times while she looked at what she wanted to see. My wishes didn't matter. 

  

Fortunately, she started a very sensible weight loss plan and is losing the weight. I can tell her self esteem is better and she seems a lot calmer. I am very proud of her. She's easier to be around and doesn't seem so obssessed with being in charge of everything around her. 

 
February 17, 2006, 2:34 pm CST

troublemakers at home

My middle child, a girl, was deeply angry with all of us.  She always had to be the center of attention, be the first to be considered, and her opinion was the only opinion. My husband and I accept the responsibility of being enablers, but I feel that the situation deteriorated into something sick over the years. We had therapy, counciling (both individual and group), and even were placed on antidepressants (me and her). It got so bad that one psyciatrist said he couldn't help anymore. I feel like we are failures in that she doesn't talk to us anymore, but since she left the house (at 18) we don't have screaming or fighting matches anymore. I worry about her and the people that she has moved in with (her boyfriend and his family). She wanted us to pay her college money to them, but we refused. How can I feel less hurt? 

 
February 17, 2006, 2:38 pm CST

for joy

Quote From: joy_faith

From all of us whose parents would rather just identify us as "bad children" than try to find out what is going on and why we were so out of control, I say THANK YOU. It takes lots of courage for a mother to take the steps you did and your daughter will be so much better off because of you.

I read your reply to another message....you sound like you have courage and faith in yourself.  I don't know how old you are but some parents never fully realize their responsibility as parents and just have children and think everything will be okay. So from your experience I hope you take away the fact that any relationship takes learning.  I tell my daughters that when they get married and have children that you have to face the bumps...most things can be resolved.  I liken it to a job....if you get a job and just sit there and do nothing, you will not succeed.  If you have a relationship (children, spouse, friends), if you don't pay attention to it and do nothing, it may sour and go away. 

Good luck to you and thanks for acknowledging my courage because I am a single mom with little financial resources so I have had to be very creative financially in getting her good help but seeing her smile and be happy is worth any debt that I have incurred because of it.  

 
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